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    Scarlett111's Avatar
    Scarlett111 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 8, 2018, 06:17 PM
    I am writing a story about a zombie apocalypse. Is it good so far?
    I woke up in someone's bed. Was I dreaming everything? "Ethan?" I asked. I was still feeling drowsy and everything was dizzy. I saw a figure over me. "It's me, Ethan," he said. I sat up. I saw my hand. It was wrapped in some big white bandage. It hurts so much. "Where are we?" I asked. "You were bleeding badly and had a piece of glass stuck in your hand. Plus, you were attacked by a Dead. We found this house and got you bandaged up," he replied. "A Dead?" I asked. He nodded. "Mom said that's what we're calling them," he said. I nodded. "You fainted," he said. "You were asleep for 2 hours." "That's a long time," I said. "Mom said that you were in pain and had a panic attack at the same time. She said that when people get scared so much and are hurt, they aren't strong enough to take it, so they go away to sleep. Like you did." "Oh." Mom then entered the room. She smiled at me. "Hey, you," she said. "Hey," I said. "How are you feeling?" she asked me. "I'm fine." "Okay. Ethan, let her rest." He nodded and started making his way out of the room. I saw my book bag and the corner along with my packing bag. I saw the two chips there too. "Wait," I told Ethan. I pointed to the chips. He walked back and grabbed one bag of chips. "Thank you, Krist," he said. "You're welcome," I replied. He walked out of the room. "What time is it?" I asked Mom. "It's nine forty-seven," she replied. I tried to get up but my hand was weak and the cut made it worst. When I used my strength, the pain came. I fell back down. "You're still weak," she said. "Rest a little more." I looked at her and said, "But I'm hungry." She got up. "I'll bring you a sandwich. Is that good?" I nodded. "Okay." She walked out the door and into the kitchen. I stood up and slowly made my way to the door. I saw everyone in the living room. Or what I thought was the living room. Dalia noticed me and ran towards me. "Kristina!" she yelled. I put my hand on my right ear. I don't know if she yelled or if my ears were weak. "Dalia," I said. She threw herself on me and I almost fell backward. Dad came in and took her off me. "Slow down, Dalia," he said. "She's still weak. You don't want to break her back." He looked at me. "You need to be in bed resting," he told me. I shook my head. "I'm fine," I said. He carried me and sat me on the couch. Mom came in and gave me a small flat plate with a sandwich on top. She then looked at Dad and said, "She's strong and wants to be with her family." I nodded. "Yeah," I said. I grabbed the sandwich and took a bite out of it. I don't know if I was hungry or if it was good, but I ate it fast. My Mom took the plate for me. Mr. Harrison told all the parents, "I need to talk to you all." All of the grown-ups went into a small room. Ethan looked at me and I nodded. I knew that look. It meant, "I'm going to hear what they're talking about. He slowly started making his way towards the closed door. He stopped when we all heard a cracking sound. I think he heard someone opening the door because he ran back to the couch quickly.
    DustPan's Avatar
    DustPan Posts: 3, Reputation: 2
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    #2

    Nov 24, 2018, 02:17 AM
    Good flow although you need to work on your grammar and sentence construction. A lot of Ideas stated are unnecessary, try to go DIRECT to the point for some ideas. Another thing is you keep writing I and I and I over and over again, you can link the sentences so that the ideas become more cohesive and one. For example:

    [ "dialogue..." I said. He nodded "dialogue..." He said. ] can be written like this: ["dialogue"] I said. He nodded and then responded "dialogue." ]

    If this was your first time writing it, try to revise it and check for errors and mistakes. :)
    Scarlett111's Avatar
    Scarlett111 Posts: 4, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 28, 2018, 07:13 PM
    Thank you. I will try to to make it better. Also, it is my first time writing.

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