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    mbyrne230's Avatar
    mbyrne230 Posts: 35, Reputation: 2
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    #1

    Apr 14, 2013, 06:39 AM
    Why has he changed?
    Hi, I have a good working relationship with a male work colleague and still do. Btw I'm female in my forties. I've noticed lately that if I express an opinion about him that's complimentary he exaggerates the behaviour and that's negative he stops the behaviour. He's turning into a bit of a yes man. I thought it was unusual but now he's contacted me a couple of times usually over the weekend, outside work and invited me to play online poker, not with him, just to play it. Does anyone have an idea of what's going on. I've tried asking him but he just gets embarrassed and changes the subject. Then the behaviour cools off for a while but then starts back up again. Maybe a man might understand him and could tell me?
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,292, Reputation: 7691
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    #2

    Apr 14, 2013, 06:44 AM
    Sound like he likes you, but is too shy to come out and say it.
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,813, Reputation: 5427
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    #3

    Apr 14, 2013, 07:34 AM
    Does he know you very well at work, i.e. do you work together fairly often or deal back and forth with each other over work issues?
    mbyrne230's Avatar
    mbyrne230 Posts: 35, Reputation: 2
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    #4

    Apr 14, 2013, 08:40 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck View Post
    Sound like he likes you, but is too shy to come out and say it.
    Hi Fr_Chuck, thanks for answering me. I have to say that it never occurred to me that he might be attracted to me. You see, we're both married.

    He knows that I'm very happily married. His wife had cancer and when she recovered a couple of years ago they also got married.

    Though I have to say I don't think he's as happy as he pretends. I had a strange conversation with him a few weeks ago. He asked me if my husband kept me happy. I replied yes, very happy as I'm sure your wife keeps you happy. He said no comment on whether she kept him happy but that he kept her happy. I just walked away.

    Another weird thing, one day I left work early to meet my husband for lunch. My work was done for the day so I didn't come back into work until the next day. A week later my work colleague started asking me all these questions about why didn't I come back and said I thought you were just meeting your husband for lunch. By then I'd almost forgotten that I had even met my husband for lunch.

    But it never occurred to me that he could like me in that way because he knows I'm happily married. Do you still think he likes me even though he knows this?
    smearcase's Avatar
    smearcase Posts: 2,392, Reputation: 316
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    #5

    Apr 14, 2013, 11:22 AM
    Still sounds to me like Fr Chuck is on the right track.
    Do you supervise him?-- question based on your saying he is becoming a yesman.
    mbyrne230's Avatar
    mbyrne230 Posts: 35, Reputation: 2
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    #6

    Apr 14, 2013, 03:26 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by smearcase View Post
    Still sounds to me like Fr Chuck is on the right track.
    Do you supervise him?-- question based on your saying he is becoming a yesman.
    Hi Smearcase, no I don't supervise him. We work together as part of a team. He just seems to value my opinion lately.

    He praised my work a couple of times in front of our work colleagues recently too. But he's not as friendly towards me when we're alone. He's more formal then except for the time he was quizzing me about meeting my husband.

    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Does he know you very well at work, i.e., do you work together fairly often or deal back and forth with each other over work issues?
    Hi Wondergirl, you probably saw my answers to other replies so that's the situation. To answer your question - yes we work together every day as part of a team.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #7

    Apr 14, 2013, 04:05 PM
    I'll take a somewhat wild guess that he is looking for an affair. (We have to go by what you write, so the overall tone of each scenario isn't there.)
    That he makes his wife happy, but no comment on whether she makes him happy, says it all pretty much.
    Maybe cancer has taken it's toll on her desire for sex.
    mbyrne230's Avatar
    mbyrne230 Posts: 35, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Apr 15, 2013, 07:22 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    I'll take a somewhat wild guess that he is looking for an affair. (We have to go by what you write, so the overall tone of each scenario isn't there.)
    That he makes his wife happy, but no comment on whether she makes him happy, says it all pretty much.
    Maybe cancer has taken it's toll on her desire for sex.
    Hi Joypuly, sorry for leaving stuff out before but if I was to write every detail it would take forever.

    If that's true about him looking for an affair it's disappointing. I thought he had more respect for me than that. Also he must know it would never happen.

    After reading what you posted I spoke to a good friend of his in work. She's closer to him than I and he talks to her about his home life and personal stuff.

    She said she doesn't know why he's behaving like this. She's noticed it too, but she reassured me that he's definitely not looking for an affair. He would never cheat on his wife. It's not in his nature. All of which means I still don't know why he's acting weird around me.
    smearcase's Avatar
    smearcase Posts: 2,392, Reputation: 316
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    #9

    Apr 15, 2013, 02:14 PM
    Any chance of alcohol or drug abuse, gambling addition etc? I have to mention that because in my experience (personal and work over many years) I saw unexplained behavior many times and I finally learned to consider these kinds of problems and if I had realized it sooner, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble especially as a supervisor.
    Are there cutbacks in your workforce that would make him fear for his job?
    mbyrne230's Avatar
    mbyrne230 Posts: 35, Reputation: 2
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    #10

    Apr 15, 2013, 03:16 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by smearcase View Post
    Any chance of alcohol or drug abuse, gambling addition etc? I have to mention that because in my experience (personal and work over many years) I saw unexplained behavior many times and I finally learned to consider these kinds of problems and if I had realized it sooner, I could have saved myself a lot of trouble especially as a supervisor.
    Are there cutbacks in your workforce that would make him fear for his job?
    Not that I know of. I just checked with his friend and she says no problems. She's friends with his wife too.

    Thanks for trying to help. I think it's just going to have to remain a mystery. I hope he's OK. I'll just try and be there for him as a friend. That's all I can do.

    Thanks again for replying.
    mbyrne230's Avatar
    mbyrne230 Posts: 35, Reputation: 2
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    #11

    Apr 27, 2013, 01:30 PM
    Why Has He Changed?
    Hi, I asked a question before using this title. I'm hoping that the people who answered me before will remember because there are more developments and I was looking for advice please.

    Brief outline: Both me and guy I work with are married to other people. My marriage is happy and he knows this. We've always had a great working relationship and I don't want to lose that but I might have already.

    He recently started flirting with me making up to me and even sent me the odd message here and there outside work.

    I didn't mention before that he's gorgeous (a 9 out of 10, I'd be a 6 out of 10). Stupidly, it never occurred to me that he could be attracted to me, mainly because we're both married but when I asked my question in this forum about why he'd changed towards me, it was suggested to me that he could like me.

    Since then I avoided him because I was frightened by the feeling of pleasure I got when I realised that he might have feelings for me. I love my husband, my marriage is good and I didn't want to be attracted to another man (a man who I like and admire anyway).

    He started flirting a lot with another work colleague who has been chasing him for a year. He's not attracted to her. I was told that she made a move on him before and he rejected her but she still chases him. I ignored this behaviour and he stopped flirting with her.

    He cooled a lot towards me and is now friendly but just in a casual way. Today we were on a course together with this same work colleague. The three of us were working well together and he was warming to me again which was great because I would like us to be friends again (we had a great working relationship before all this happened) but as they were discussing something I interrupted with a question ( a bit rude of me I admit) and he looked annoyed.

    For the rest of the day he was very focused on working with her and I was not so much ignored, as forgotten about. I was struggling with the course and hoping he could help me so I asked him if we could grab a bite to eat together at lunch. He told me he was going out for lunch but didn't end up going. It was an excuse not to have lunch with me but he didn't want to give me a direct "no".

    During lunch he was laughing and joking with the group (people on the course from another company).

    Towards the end of the day, he mentioned to me that the course had really helped him in that area. I was nice to him and said I could see he had no problems with it. He said he wasn't completely OK with it but getting there.

    As we were leaving, this work colleague who likes him had asked him for a ride home. At a previous course with her he gave her a ride home and they stopped for a meal on the way. He sometimes eats out on his way to and from work as his wife is ill.

    Anyway, as we were leaving I asked him if I could talk to him. He looked reluctant and hesitated (as if he thought I was chasing him!) and said 'ok'. I then told him that the reason I asked him to lunch was to ask could he give me some time after work to help me with this course. He gave me a nice reply and a million reasons he couldn't help me (to be fair, he does have a lot going on at the moment). Then he went over to his car where our work colleague was waiting for him.

    My question is do you think he is playing games with me or just does not want to work with me any more?

    He used to like and respect me. Then he developed either feelings for me or maybe just got attracted to me. I did the right thing (what a married woman should do) by not encouraging him. Then when he cooled off I was friendly with him again. Now it seems I'm not even on his radar and when I am, he neither likes or respects me any more.

    I kind of hope he is playing games because if he is, then he's just a jerk.

    If he's not playing games then I've ruined a great working relationship and a friendship without knowing what I did or how to fix it.

    Sorry this is so long. You are all on the outside looking in and can see what's going on. I'm too upset to think straight any more. I should probably try and avoid him again but I don't want that. I just want him to like and respect me again. Please can anyone tell me what I did to lose his respect.

    I'm aware that I'm obsessing over this but I just feel I've done something wrong without knowing what! I'd love to fix it if I could. I'm not looking forward to work on Monday.

    Any advice would be welcome.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,010, Reputation: 10852
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    #12

    Apr 27, 2013, 01:52 PM
    For whatever reason the dynamics of this workplace relationship has changed and I doubt you can fix it so obviously stop depending on him for as much friendship or a smooth working relationship going forward.

    He just isn't the reliable go to guy he was, so adjust your behavior accordingly. No telling what has changed him, and maybe nobody knows but him, but start being more realistic with your dealings with him in light of the latest developments of your interactions.

    I doubt if its anything you have done but whatever is going through his mind none of his friends, or wife's friends have a clue either so let it go. Don't blame yourself.
    mbyrne230's Avatar
    mbyrne230 Posts: 35, Reputation: 2
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    #13

    Apr 27, 2013, 02:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    For whatever reason the dynamics of this workplace relationship has changed and I doubt you can fix it so obviously stop depending on him for as much friendship or a smooth working relationship going forward.

    He just isn't the reliable go to guy he was, so adjust your behavior accordingly. No telling what has changed him, and maybe nobody knows but him, but start being more realistic with your dealings with him in light of the latest developments of your interactions.
    Thank you, that makes a lot of sense. I will have to adjust my behaviour towards him.

    I just hate that I might have inadvertently caused this behaviour and I hate that I could fix it if only I knew how.

    I don't want him to be attracted to me again and was shocked that he might be (and argued against it) when it was suggested in this forum.

    Then I was surprised by how flattered and pleased I was. I don't feel like that now. The novelty wore off.

    I realise our working relationship has changed and I can accept that but I need him to like and respect me again if we're to work together. I don't know why I lost that.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,010, Reputation: 10852
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    #14

    Apr 27, 2013, 02:57 PM
    Maybe re-evaluate your own feelings, and be realistic in what you expect from a former good friend who ain't so good anymore. Between like, and respect, go with respect.

    He may never like you the same again and that's no big deal at work is it? We all like to be liked. Bummer when that changes.
    mbyrne230's Avatar
    mbyrne230 Posts: 35, Reputation: 2
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    #15

    Apr 27, 2013, 03:59 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    Maybe re-evaluate your own feelings, and be realistic in what you expect from a former good friend who ain't so good anymore. Between like, and respect, go with respect.

    He may never like you the same again and that's no big deal at work is it? We all like to be liked. Bummer when that changes.
    Yes that's it. I'm actually missing the positive attention I was getting before. I'm probably getting my just deserts because I shouldn't want that from someone as well as from my husband.

    If he wasn't gorgeous I wouldn't miss the attention.

    Don't worry, I'm not proud of myself for this.

    It also bothers me that he gave my work colleague so much attention today while ignoring me because when he was attracted to me before she noticed the attention he was giving me and she told me that she was surprised that he could be attracted to me. She said that, unlike her, I wasn't attractive enough for him.

    She has certainly had a triumph over me today and it rankles. He made it obvious that he was ignoring me and paying attention to her.

    I wish none of this had happened. I was happy before. Now I feel competitive and rejected and there's more important things in life I should be thinking about. Maybe it's a mid life crises.

    Thanks for being patient with me. You're probably dying to tell me to grow up!

    It's just awful that another woman insulted me and then a man who used to be my friend shows he agrees with her in public.

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