Ask Experts Questions for FREE Help !
Ask
    uptheranch's Avatar
    uptheranch Posts: 8, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #1

    Dec 17, 2008, 06:52 AM
    Teacher/parent affair
    Hi, I'm a senior teacher in a large primary school and have been aware for a little while that my colleague has been having a sexual relationship with one of the parents of our pupils. She taught his children last year, and I will be teaching one next year. We are a Catholic school and this sort of behaviour is disgusting.
    The Principal was made aware but simply wants to ignore it - she even helped the girl move out of her communal house to live on her own! The girl deserves a disciplinary - can you imagine what would happen if this all came out?
    PLease advise me!:confused:
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #2

    Dec 17, 2008, 07:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by uptheranch View Post
    Hi, I'm a senior teacher in a large primary school and have been aware for a little while that my colleague has been having a sexual relationship with one of the parents of our pupils. She taught his children last year, and I will be teaching one next year. We are a Catholic school and this sort of behaviour is disgusting.
    The Principal was made aware but simply wants to ignore it - she even helped the girl move out of her communal house to live on her own! The girl deserves a disciplinary - can you imagine what would happen if this all came out?
    PLease advise me!:confused:

    The child molester gets arrested as such; everyone who covered up the affair gets called in to testify; the parents of the child sue everybody; licenses to teach get permanently revoked all the way around for failure to protect the child.

    Just happened where I live.
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
    Uber Member
     
    #3

    Dec 17, 2008, 07:19 AM
    There is no child molester here, it's two adults.
    uptheranch's Avatar
    uptheranch Posts: 8, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #4

    Dec 17, 2008, 07:20 AM

    She's not a child molester, she is having an affair with a parent! In a way, I wish it would all come out as she is getting away with it under everyone's noses.
    stevetcg's Avatar
    stevetcg Posts: 3,694, Reputation: 353
    Ultra Member
     
    #5

    Dec 17, 2008, 11:34 AM

    So basically a teacher is dating someone that has a child that attends the school that he teaches at?

    The student isn't in the teacher's class. And the fact that that student will eventually be in your class factors into this how?

    Sounds to be like nothing is going on wrong.
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Dec 17, 2008, 11:42 AM

    Is either the teacher or the parent married? If not, and the child is not in the teacher's class... they can date whoever they wish.

    If either one is married, then yes, it is a BIG problem and your principal should deal with it.

    I'm not sure what you can do as an individual teacher in this situation other than taking her aside and talking to her.
    stevetcg's Avatar
    stevetcg Posts: 3,694, Reputation: 353
    Ultra Member
     
    #7

    Dec 17, 2008, 11:48 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by HistorianChick View Post
    I'm not sure what you can do as an individual teacher in this situation other than taking her aside and talking to her.
    If the relationship is legitimate (i.e. both single, consenting adults) then the OP has no place speaking to the teacher or the parent about it. It is none of a coworker's business whom a coworker dates.

    I might be off base here, but from all I see it is a matter of the OP being judgmental about a relationship that s/he has a religious bias against. If I am incorrect, I apologize. That is just my observation from the tone of the post.
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
    Uber Member
     
    #8

    Dec 17, 2008, 12:02 PM
    Steve,
    That's how I view it as well.
    xoxaprilwine's Avatar
    xoxaprilwine Posts: 582, Reputation: 71
    Senior Member
     
    #9

    Dec 17, 2008, 12:22 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by uptheranch View Post
    Hi, I'm a senior teacher in a large primary school and have been aware for a little while that my colleague has been having a sexual relationship with one of the parents of our pupils. She taught his children last year, and I will be teaching one next year. We are a Catholic school and this sort of behaviour is disgusting.
    The Principal was made aware but simply wants to ignore it - she even helped the girl move out of her communal house to live on her own! The girl deserves a disciplinary - can you imagine what would happen if this all came out?
    PLease advise me!:confused:
    First the problem is a breach of school policy especially in a Catholic School atmosphere (we are to lead by example - teachers play a great role in that). I would imagine that this type of activity is grounds for dismissal and proper conduct should be re-addressed at the least. If the principal did not take appropriate measures to inquire further or to re-advise the teacher suspected of inappropriate conduct, then they will also be reasonably held accountable for the situation. Secondly, is this parent married? Though in most cases this is not an apparent or part of the problem; it is of some value... the spouse (if there is one) deserves to know about the affair regardless if it is of consent between two adults. The problem to me is this type of behavior also contributes to a dysfunctional team effort environment and can cause some serious resentment/difficulties/disruption at the workplace. This behavior should not go unaddressed... it is not professional or ethical. School is a place of education and religion and that's where it stands... however there is not much that can be disciplined if it is not on occurring on the workplace.

    Are you going to file a complaint with the Catholic Bord of Education and bring the matter to light to be dealt with? If so, are you comfortable knowing that you may be placing yourself in an undesirable situation with your colleague? Have you spoken to the colleague alone?
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
    Uber Member
     
    #10

    Dec 17, 2008, 12:24 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by uptheranch View Post
    can you imagine what would happen if this all came out?
    Perhaps we should look at all the details of your private to see if anything would come out.
    stevetcg's Avatar
    stevetcg Posts: 3,694, Reputation: 353
    Ultra Member
     
    #11

    Dec 17, 2008, 12:26 PM

    Has anyone considered that this matter has been brought to the administration? The powers that be have done nothing and that suggests to me that there is no wrongdoing.
    stevetcg's Avatar
    stevetcg Posts: 3,694, Reputation: 353
    Ultra Member
     
    #12

    Dec 17, 2008, 12:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by xoxaprilwine View Post
    First the problem is a breach of school policy especially in a Catholic School atmosphere (we are to lead by example - teachers play a great role in that). I would imagine that this type of activity is grounds for dismissal and proper conduct should be re-addressed at the least. If the principal did not take appropriate measures to inquire further or to re-advise the teacher suspected of inappropriate conduct, then they will also be reasonably held accountable for the situation. Secondly, is this parent married? Though in most cases this is not an apparent or part of the problem; it is of some value...the spouse (if there is one) deserves to know about the affair regardless if it is of consent between two adults. The problem to me is this type of behavior also contributes to a dysfunctional team effort environment and can cause some serious resentment/difficulties/disruption at the workplace. This behavior should not go unaddressed...it is not professional or ethical. School is a place of education and religion and that's where it stands...however there is not much that can be disciplined if it is not on occurring on the workplace.

    Are you going to file a complaint with the Catholic Bord of Education and bring the matter to light to be dealt with? If so, are you comfortable knowing that you may be placing yourself in an undesirable situation with your colleague? Have you spoken to the colleague alone?
    How, exactly is it anyone's business what the teacher does? The people that are concerning themselves with what their coworkers are doing are the problem. It is no one's business except the people involved.

    How did the OP come about this information in the first place? Was his/her coworker wearing her "I'm nailing Billy's dad" t-shirt? No - snooping where s/he has no business. The OP should be ashamed of him/herself. After all, in a post that mentions religion and disgusting behavior, isn't it the same religion that states that only God may judge?

    Edited to add: even if one of them IS married, its still none of the OP's business.
    uptheranch's Avatar
    uptheranch Posts: 8, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #13

    Dec 17, 2008, 12:58 PM

    Listen, I am not a bigoted person at all and I apologise if my message earlier sounded that way.
    The parent IS married and I have to speak to his wife every day regarding another child she has dealings with. PLease don't get me wrong, if he wasn't married there wouldn't be a problem - everyone is entitled to their private lives HOWEVER, being new on the school's management team I feel really confused about what I should do. I am not being religiously biased in any way, but here is an example - yesterday the teacher called me into her room to "excitedly" show me a 50 gift voucher he handed her out in the playground. I told her that I felt uncomfortable and didn't want to know. I then went into the yard and was greeted by one of his children and his WIFE!! They talked away and all I could do was smile and feel like a .
    The principal doesn't believe anything is going on and has refused to believe it as the girl has denied everything - so basically I look like I'm imagining things but I have text messages she has sent me to confirm the affair. My boss seems more interested in protecting this girl than protecting the 2 innocent children. Imagine if they DO find out and his wife finds out that the boss of the school knows? How would the children feel knowing someone they trusted and had to see EVERYDAY was doing that to their family?
    stevetcg's Avatar
    stevetcg Posts: 3,694, Reputation: 353
    Ultra Member
     
    #14

    Dec 17, 2008, 01:08 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by uptheranch View Post
    Listen, I am not a bigoted person at all and I apologise if my message earlier sounded that way.
    The parent IS married and I have to speak to his wife every day regarding another child she has dealings with. PLease don't get me wrong, if he wasn't married there wouldn't be a problem - everyone is entitled to their private lives HOWEVER, being new on the school's management team I feel really confused about what I should do. I am not being religiously biased in any way, but here is an example - yesterday the teacher called me into her room to "excitedly" show me a 50 gift voucher he handed her out in the playground. I told her that I felt uncomfortable and didn't want to know. I then went into the yard and was greeted by one of his children and his WIFE!!! They talked away and all I could do was smile and feel like a .
    The principal doesn't believe anything is going on and has refused to believe it as the girl has denied everything - so basically I look like I'm imagining things but I have text msgs she has sent me to confirm the affair. My boss seems more interested in protecting this girl than protecting the 2 innocent children. Imagine if they DO find out and his wife finds out that the boss of the school knows? How would the children feel knowing someone they trusted and had to see EVERYDAY was doing that to their family?
    I understand your point, but I maintain that the whole situation is between the teacher, the man, the principal and god. People have affairs all the time. It's a shame, but it's a fact. What other people do is none of your business. The children aren't being abused. Sucks that their dad is a scumbag, but that's the way it goes.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #15

    Dec 17, 2008, 01:08 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by uptheranch View Post
    Listen, I am not a bigoted person at all and I apologise if my message earlier sounded that way.
    The parent IS married and I have to speak to his wife every day regarding another child she has dealings with. PLease don't get me wrong, if he wasn't married there wouldn't be a problem - everyone is entitled to their private lives HOWEVER, being new on the school's management team I feel really confused about what I should do. I am not being religiously biased in any way, but here is an example - yesterday the teacher called me into her room to "excitedly" show me a 50 gift voucher he handed her out in the playground. I told her that I felt uncomfortable and didn't want to know. I then went into the yard and was greeted by one of his children and his WIFE!!! They talked away and all I could do was smile and feel like a .
    The principal doesn't believe anything is going on and has refused to believe it as the girl has denied everything - so basically I look like I'm imagining things but I have text msgs she has sent me to confirm the affair. My boss seems more interested in protecting this girl than protecting the 2 innocent children. Imagine if they DO find out and his wife finds out that the boss of the school knows? How would the children feel knowing someone they trusted and had to see EVERYDAY was doing that to their family?


    I don't think it's your job to sit as Judge and jury. You reported it. No one else seems to see the evidence the same way and/or care.

    Why are you so interested in this? How does the "innocence" of the children enter into this - except, of course, when you report this and one party or the other gets fired and the children ask why.

    What is this person doing to the family? Apparently none of the married partners have noticed or cared - right up until you open up the hornet's nest. You said their behavior is "disgusting" so, yes, you are judging - I don't know if bigotted is the right word here.

    Deliver me from people who interfere in order to "protect" anyone - and deliver me from judgmental people.
    HistorianChick's Avatar
    HistorianChick Posts: 2,556, Reputation: 825
    Ultra Member
     
    #16

    Dec 17, 2008, 01:17 PM

    I really do understand your point and as a non-confrontational person, I would literally hate to be in your shoes, knowing what you know. But there is nothing that you can or should do.

    You have done what you could... you've told the management and they have refused to do anything.

    This girl needs to stop involving you in her issues. Be point blank with her next time that she "shares her text messages" with you... you don't want to know, you don't need to know, and you're not going to know.

    If the wife comes back, accusing you for not doing something, you say, "I'm so sorry, I did what I could."
    stevetcg's Avatar
    stevetcg Posts: 3,694, Reputation: 353
    Ultra Member
     
    #17

    Dec 17, 2008, 01:46 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by uptheranch View Post
    ...everyone is entitled to their private lives ...
    Unless you disagree with what they are doing in their private lives?

    No - this is her private life. Like Hist said - if you don't want her talking to you about it, tell her that. Aside from that, there isn't anything you should do.

    I understand that it might be hard to face the offending parent/spouse. But think of it this way - depending on the statistics you believe, upwards of 1 in 2 of the students in your class has a parent that is cheating, has cheated or will cheat. So just assume everyone is and facing that spouse will be easier.

    Also, you probably are not aware of the relationship between offending husband and his wife. Maybe they have the type of open relationship where he is doing nothing wrong. Maybe they have a don't ask/don't tell policy. Maybe they have already ended their relationship and are just staying together in face for the sake of the kids.

    Bottom line - any additional involvement you inject can only make things worse. If you feel the need to tell someone else, talk to God. He is pretty understanding and sympathetic.
    uptheranch's Avatar
    uptheranch Posts: 8, Reputation: 3
    New Member
     
    #18

    Dec 17, 2008, 01:57 PM

    Thanks historian.

    JudyKayTee, I know people have affairs everyday, I'm not stupid. However, I am a teacher and I have duties to the children in the school. This girl is flaunting her sexual relationship with a married parent around the school. Most of the staff are up in arms about this and yes, I'm proud to be doing something about this.

    Imagine you were a parent of a child and found out your husband was sleeping with the teacher who your child worshipped? Imagine ALL the staff knew and the other woman was given a new place to live so that she could continue her relationship without anyone finding out? Imagine the embarrassment your children would feel knowing this in later years?We live in a smallish town and when this all comes out it will be devastating for the whole school community - On the business side of school, this could be very damaging, the family are very popular and I know that the children and others would be removed and the name of the establishment would be extremely tarnished. To answer your question why I'm so interested in this - this girl has called me a liar to the boss. Apparently I made the whole thing up. My job could be on the line.

    It's hard not to judge in these incidents - I know I am at fault for doing this but I can't take guidance or advice from someone who is breaking the bare requirements of everything our school is founded on
    stevetcg's Avatar
    stevetcg Posts: 3,694, Reputation: 353
    Ultra Member
     
    #19

    Dec 17, 2008, 02:08 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by uptheranch View Post
    Thanks historian.

    JudyKayTee, I know people have affairs everyday, I'm not stupid. However, I am a teacher and I have duties to the children in the school. This girl is flaunting her sexual relationship with a married parent around the school. Most of the staff are up in arms about this and yes, I'm proud to be doing something about this.

    Imagine you were a parent of a child and found out your husband was sleeping with the teacher who your child worshipped? Imagine ALL the staff knew and the other woman was given a new place to live so that she could continue her relationship without anyone finding out? Imagine the embarrassment your children would feel knowing this in later years?We live in a smallish town and when this all comes out it will be devastating for the whole school community - On the business side of school, this could be very damaging, the family are very popular and I know that the children and others would be removed and the name of the establishment would be extremely tarnished. To answer your question why I'm so interested in this - this girl has called me a liar to the boss. Apparantly I made the whole thing up. My job could be on the line.

    It's hard not to judge in these incidents - I know I am at fault for doing this but I can't take guidance or advice from someone who is breaking the bare requirements of everything our school is founded on
    I would bet my paycheck that this isn't the only teacher in your school that has had an affair with a parent of a student in your school. I do not know you, your community or your school, but I know statistics and I find this bet to be a smart one.

    If you are so concerned with the reputation of the school it is in your best interest that this does not get out. Getting it out now will only start the proverbial ball rolling. The "transgression" has already occurred.

    And I'm sorry, but your school is based on the tenants of the Catholic church; an organization that has history that makes an extramarital affair look like a Sunday picnic. Being indignant of this matter is more than a bit hypocritical.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,505, Reputation: 4600
    Uber Member
     
    #20

    Dec 17, 2008, 02:12 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by uptheranch View Post
    Thanks historian.

    JudyKayTee, I know people have affairs everyday, I'm not stupid. However, I am a teacher and I have duties to the children in the school. This girl is flaunting her sexual relationship with a married parent around the school. Most of the staff are up in arms about this and yes, I'm proud to be doing something about this.

    Imagine you were a parent of a child and found out your husband was sleeping with the teacher who your child worshipped? Imagine ALL the staff knew and the other woman was given a new place to live so that she could continue her relationship without anyone finding out? Imagine the embarrassment your children would feel knowing this in later years?We live in a smallish town and when this all comes out it will be devastating for the whole school community - On the business side of school, this could be very damaging, the family are very popular and I know that the children and others would be removed and the name of the establishment would be extremely tarnished. To answer your question why I'm so interested in this - this girl has called me a liar to the boss. Apparantly I made the whole thing up. My job could be on the line.

    It's hard not to judge in these incidents - I know I am at fault for doing this but I can't take guidance or advice from someone who is breaking the bare requirements of everything our school is founded on

    You can justify your actions all that you want - it's none of your business.

    Playing devil's advocate here, what do you see as a resolution? Fire someone? How is that going to stop the affair? I have no idea how Catholic schools work - and I'm beginning to be grateful that I don't, quite frankly - but if this comes out in the open the children will [have to be] removed from the school? (... and I know that the children and others would be removed ) The children are going to have to pay for the "sins" of the parents - ?

    Maybe the respective parties know - I've posted this before. I've done any number of matrimonal investigations because one partner for whatever reason "needs to know." Report back, complete with photos, nothing happens, nobody leaves, nobody divorces, they just "need to know." Would I spend the money? No way. Do other people? You bet. Your interference is going to force a partner who may very well be hoping this all blows over into taking a stand, destroying a family.

    I fail to see that reporting an affair between a parent and a teacher is in the best interest of the child.

    I think your interest is very clear in your statement "To answer your question why I'm so interested in this - this girl has called me a liar to the boss. " This is revenge. You reported it. No one is interested/cares/thinks it's their business. Now you are out to "get" the person who called you a liar.

    I see you getting your way in this and then getting yourself sued. I trust you have personal liability insurance (as a teacher) and the Diocese is going to stand behind you.

Not your question? Ask your question View similar questions

 

Question Tools Search this Question
Search this Question:

Advanced Search


Check out some similar questions!

Step Parent Unfit To Parent? [ 8 Answers ]

I am trying to find out how to prove a step parent unfit. My exhusband recently married a woman who my child is all but terrified of. I have asked my child several times what is wrong and they tell me this woman is mean, keeps the child from their father, slaps them, spanks them (which the woman...

What makes an affair an affair or what classifies as infidelity [ 13 Answers ]

What makes an affair or what classifies as infidelity

Absent parent contesting step-parent adoption [ 11 Answers ]

My husband is attempting to adopt my daughter (age 11), he has been her dad now for about 9 years. The biological father has not seen his child since she was 5 months old and never paid child support. I have a child support order and a permanent restraining order which was granted in Kansas, 1997....

Custodial Parent allows child to live with non custoial parent [ 8 Answers ]

Can the custodial parent allow a minor child to move in with the non custodial parent? Can this be done with out a court order, if both the custodial & non custodial parent agree on the conditions or do they need to file with the court?


View more questions Search