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    My boyfriend doesn't want sex.

    Asked Nov 17, 2006, 08:20 PM — 5 Answers
    This is a humiliating problem, but here goes.

    My boyfriend and I have been together for about 7 months. We had been dating long distance for about a month, then he moved from NYC to California to be with me. While we were living together we were still getting to know each other. The sex has never been often, even in the very beginning. This is hard for me to understand, especially because he has been with many people before me. I got the impression he was really into sex. Now he says that was just a phase in his life and he's not that into it anymore. But I believe if you love someone you'd be even more into it, no matter how much you've done it in the past.

    Now he never wants sex. He only initiates it every four or five days, usually after I've complained about us not having sex. He has told me not to initiate it and that I'm too aggressive, so I stopped making the move. I feel that he's only doing it to pacify me, which in turn makes it horrible for me.

    We have talked about this, and nothing changes even though he promises it will. He told me that if I just laid off him, we'd have sex more. But the thing is, the only reason I bring it up is because we never do it! I put lingerie on for him the other night and he said he wasn't in the mood. I put a lot of effort into keeping myself attractive for him. And other people say I'm pretty, so I guess I should believe them. I don't know why he doesn't want me.

    He has a different excuse every time.
    Too tired
    Not in the mood
    Too drunk
    Too hungover
    Too out of shape
    If we do it too much it will get boring

    As a sidenote, I've never had an orgasm from sex. He also uses this as an excuse not to do it, i.e. "I feel like less of a man bc I can't make you ." So his solution is for us to just not do it at all. However, I've made it clear that it's not his fault.

    It's always "later baby, I promise" I don't understand this. I told him that it's okay if he's not attracted to me sexually. I told him that maybe we should break up, because I can't be with someone and only have sex once a week, if that. He swears he's attracted to me, and I know he loves me, but I am at my wit's end. He talks about marrying me. I don't know how to move forward if this remains unresolved.

    Last edited by Girrlzilla; Nov 17, 2006 at 08:26 PM.
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    5 Answers
    RebelTaz's Avatar
    RebelTaz Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 17, 2006, 10:33 PM
    I know that popular opinion in modern society is that love = sex. That's not true, or rather it shouldn't be. Love has more to do with respect and admiration than physical attraction. The physical aspect (ie. Sex) is a by-product of love. Having sex with someone doesn't prove that that person loves you. One night stands prove that. If having not having sex more than once a week is cause for you to break up with this guy, then obviously you are not in love with him.

    It's possible that he may have a medical condition that reduces his sex drive. Certain medications can also cause a lack of sexual desire. Or, and I am probably going to be accused of being way off base here, maybe he just has more important things on his mind than sex 24/7. Sex drives are different for everyone.

    Sure, it's possible that I am being way too deep and philosophical here. Maybe it is that he isn't interested in you sexually. If that's true, there's no reason to believe that it has any bearing on you or your beauty.

    Before you go making rash decisions, think about it. You may be losing someone who really cares about you, both body and soul, in exchange for someone who's only interest is your body.
    kyop's Avatar
    kyop Posts: 48, Reputation: 11
    Junior Member

    Nov 17, 2006, 10:42 PM
    Question 1 would be, "Does he masturbate?" If so, then it's an attraction thing. Start looking elsewhere.

    If he doesn't, then he just might be a very non-sexual person. Whether it's a physical, mental, or emotional thing, some people just aren't that into sex. I will probably get flamed for this, but I feel sexual compatibility is a huge thing in a relationship. There's only so much a person with a high sex drive can change for a person with a low one. It invariably causes stress and often infidelity.

    Now don't give up on him right away, though. If he's truly concerned about not making you orgasm (and it's not just another excuse) then help him. If you can make you climax, then so can he. You just need to teach him. If he doesn't have enough endurance to do it, then bring him to climax once quickly and let him start on you while he "recovers". A guys endurance is always better the second time around. You can also play games to help you get there. Rent a porn and don't allow any physical contact until the end or until the two of you can't stand it anymore (the not-touching part, not the video).

    Basically, if he uses the "I don't feel like a man" excuse. Call his bluff. Explain to him that he's going to go to work and not finish until the job is done. If he says that he doesn't feel like having sex, tell him that he doesn't have to... but you do and he's going to help.

    Guys will generally appreciate this kind of take charge woman. Don't whine or ask for sex. Demand it. It's one of the distinct advantages you have as a woman. A guy can't do that. If he does, he ends up in jail or buying a 4 carat diamond. If a girl does it, she's the hot topic of discussion at the water cooler the next morning.

    Good luck with this. It's a tough dilemma to be in. You'll get through it.
    dbek's Avatar
    dbek Posts: 74, Reputation: 4
    Junior Member

    Nov 17, 2006, 10:52 PM
    How old are you guys? Guys have sex drives at a younger age than when women start having them. Heck once a week sounds really good to me. Lol Wait until you get married. With children lucky if it's once every 2 to 4 months. Although, sex is an important part of relationship-it doesn't matter how often but you are connect when you are having sex or is it just sex...
    Supermiaka's Avatar
    Supermiaka Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Nov 28, 2006, 11:14 PM
    I've been having the same problem with my boyfriend except that we've been going out for much longer 7 months, it's been around 2 years. He always gives the same excuses about not wanting to have sex but he would rather me suck him off instead. I don't think that it's really fair and I feel as if he's just not attracted to me at all. Is it perhaps he watches too much porn and sees girls giving head that he wants me to give him head all the time instead? Or do you think that it's a psychological problem and he's just not that into me anymore to like having sex instead?
    sidherose04's Avatar
    sidherose04 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
    New Member

    Dec 14, 2006, 10:02 AM
    This sounds EXACTLY like my fiancé. I have the same probably. He's either too stressed, too tired, or says he feels like "less of a man" because I can't orgasm from sex!! I'm not the only one it appears. I don't know what to do either. I know I'm attractive too, there are other guys who want me. I don't get it.

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