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    YoungGrayHair's Avatar
    YoungGrayHair Posts: 13, Reputation: 0
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    #1

    Nov 20, 2007, 07:04 PM
    Loose weight or loose my marriage!
    I have been married for about 12 years , my husband has always had a problem with my weight. I have never been hugely overweight just a little pudgy.At one time I lost a lot of weight and got down to a size 4. I am now at the most I have ever weighed.180 size 12/14

    See the thing is, for the past several years my husband has had a really big problem with my weight , and as of these past two weeks he looks at me in disgust every day.
    Like,I cook huge meals for him in the evening and he hardly speaks to me, he gets up from the table and goes outside or stays really busy. I confronted him, halfway knowing his answers to my hurt.He said he cannot love me like I am , overwight , anymore.
    He needs me to loose the fat I have gained over time, he said he cannot touch me anymore. I just don't know what to do any more. Ihave tried the atkins , south beach etc. lost and then gained it all back, now it seems I just rebell bad, I just need a weight loss buddy to help me get back to a size small and save my marriage.I love my husband and I don't want to put my child througha divorce, I really need some links to some really powerful weight loss pills or something.

    My husband is 6'6 and has never had a weight problem.And he said either I loose weight or my marriage is over... please someone be my weight loss friend,buddy. Someone I have to be accountable to and someone who can point me in the right directions.
    TIA
    Kaytie
    s_cianci's Avatar
    s_cianci Posts: 5,472, Reputation: 760
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    #2

    Nov 20, 2007, 07:06 PM
    Show him where the door is and remind him not to let it hit him in the a$$ on his way out. Enough said.
    N0help4u's Avatar
    N0help4u Posts: 19,823, Reputation: 2035
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    #3

    Nov 21, 2007, 07:12 PM
    My friends husband left her because 'she wouldn't lose weight'
    He was with a thin woman for almost a couple of years and then went back to his wife.
    The grass isn't always greener!
    Let him leave if he is that selfish and get a life for yourself with less aggravation.
    No sense in hanging on to someone that is going to treat you like that indefinitely.
    Caralyn's Avatar
    Caralyn Posts: 61, Reputation: 13
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    #4

    Nov 21, 2007, 08:00 PM
    This is going to sound tough but I think you need to check if he is having an affair. He is obviously comparing you to someone, even if it isn't an affair, there might be someone he has his eye on, at work perhaps. If he doesn't want to touch you and he says it's because you need to lose weight, hes getting it some place else. Sorry. He's just looking for a fight. Does he leave after you row? Do some snooping. Has he become more conscious of what he eats? Has his diet changed? Hes watching his weight and there is only one reason a married man of twelve years suddenly changes his diet. Is he buying new clothes? There's more to this than your weight, I'd put money on it.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #5

    Nov 21, 2007, 08:28 PM
    Honey this is about more than your weight. If he loved you, he would not be so cruel. This is probably about something going on with him. If you lost weight, it would probably be something else he'd find wrong. You are not that big. The average size woman is a 14.
    If he would divorce you over some weight, he was gone anyway.
    You don't need to stay in a marriage where you are uptight about what you eat and how he will react to it. He is down right cruel, and you deserve better treatment than that.
    shygrneyzs's Avatar
    shygrneyzs Posts: 5,017, Reputation: 936
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    #6

    Nov 21, 2007, 08:37 PM
    I was once engaged to a guy who knew I was not a small woman, never was. He had no problem with it either. About three months before the wedding he started in on the weight. I did lose about 15 lbs and then he got scared, saying he loved me just as I was. So dratted confusing! Three weeks before the wedding he started in again on the weight. Turned out, he was seeing an old girlfriend on the side plus someone else when I worked nights! He had to pick a fight about something and that was my weakest point.

    I would bet anything the stress he is causing you is not helping with any weight loss either. Turn the tables on him and ask him to go walking with you. Stop cooking those big meals. Go low fat, join a gym or get some exercise dvd's and start getting active. You will take away his arguments. If he leaves, no loss for you. The guy sounds like a jerk - trying to provoke you into something so he has an excuse to do what he doing - most likely behind your back.
    JoeCanada76's Avatar
    JoeCanada76 Posts: 6,669, Reputation: 1707
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    #7

    Nov 21, 2007, 08:39 PM
    Yes, I would say everybody is right. Get out, this marriage is no longer. This guy is very mean. I think He is trying to come up with reasons or should I say make up reasons to leave to justify him wanting out of the marriage and putting the blame on you. When you have no blame at all. He is the one that needs to take the blame all away out the door like others have mentioned. I just can not believe how people can be so superficial. You need to know that you're a beautiful women no matter what you hear or do not hear from your husband.
    little firefly's Avatar
    little firefly Posts: 139, Reputation: 36
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    #8

    Nov 24, 2007, 08:15 AM
    A marriage to a man who dosen't love you the way you are, no matter what the size, is not worth having!

    When my now ex husband (he and I divorced a couple of years ago on totally unrelated issues and he's still very much a part of my life) and I first started dating 20 years ago I was in a size six. I've struggled with my weight my whole life, and On the day that we married 8 years ago, I was in a size 24. The only time he would ever talk about my weight is when I would bring it up. He told me that he loved me no matter what, but if I wanted to lose weight for health reasons or just to feel better about myself that he would help me in any way that he could. Well, I ended up losing 173 pounds in a 2 year period, but I did it for me, not for him.

    If you want to lose weight, do it for YOU, not for anyone else. I'm so sick of our society putting lables on what they think a woman's size should be for her to be considered attractive. Beautiful women come in all sizes. You just worry about you and let your husband deal with his own hangups!

    My best to you
    YoungGrayHair's Avatar
    YoungGrayHair Posts: 13, Reputation: 0
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    #9

    Nov 25, 2007, 10:58 AM
    Thanks to all of you, I agree that if want to loose weight it should be for me and your right up there it really is a stress on my result because when I start thinking about it all I just want to eat all the more.
    If what some of you are saying is true,then maybe I should do a little snooping, he has bought some new clothes lately and he is pretty particular about them being ironed neatly , I guess I am in denial about some things too, I just needed a reality check, but I think I may be one of those women who thinks maybe I can change things.If I just loose weight all this will go away, I mean I am not huge or anything, just slightly not perfect.
    If a man is cheating what should I look for , more indepthly ladies, what are the sure signs.
    Thanks I really don't wantt o end my marriage , then I would be a failure, I just would be so imbarresed around my family.. I should be able to make this work...
    Kayte
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #10

    Nov 25, 2007, 12:13 PM
    You lost him along time ago, and I would suggest if you and he wants this to work, you get into marriage counseling. That will save your marriage if it can be. He can love you no matter what, if your physcial appearance is what makes him love you, then you do't need him anyway.
    YoungGrayHair's Avatar
    YoungGrayHair Posts: 13, Reputation: 0
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    #11

    Nov 25, 2007, 08:22 PM
    I guess if I lost him a long time ago, why hasn't he left me?
    I guess I am frustrated and a little angry , if this is all true, if there really is anything to this, cheating... I want to believe there is nothing to this... maybe he is just a really visual kind of guy , maybe he really can't love me like I am , I don't know... all I know is I want to loose this weight fast... now..
    I want to make this work.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #12

    Nov 25, 2007, 08:32 PM
    If he can treat you this way over some weight, he is not a very nice or loving person. So the way I see it, he is either cruel or he's looking at someone else. So I guess you have to ask yourself if he is worth the misery he is causing.
    YoungGrayHair's Avatar
    YoungGrayHair Posts: 13, Reputation: 0
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    #13

    Nov 25, 2007, 08:54 PM
    We have been married 12 years , my child is 10, just 8 more years , and I can be free and leave even if I don't divorce.Just leave, but if I can loose the extra, that may help patch the hurt for now... I just need a friend to help get me emotional through ,someone to talk with daily.someone to help keep me on track, and go through the loss with me. I NEED this right now...
    If my husband is cheating or is simply not in love with me anymore , well then that's the way of it, right?Maybe I am not in love with him either, maybe I am so hurt and just feeling a little insecure right now.. that I just need to vent out or just vent in... I just need something, maybe a drink... he he.. no , really I need to just loose this and get through this.
    But I need to just let go and get thin, that's the answer, my marriage may be over , but my will is still not broken, I just need a little , push to get that will going...
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #14

    Nov 25, 2007, 09:16 PM
    If it will make you feel better about yourself to lose weight, then do it for you, but don't let your children see him belittle you over stuff like that. You don't want them thinking this kind of behavior is acceptable.
    Eat smaller portions and exercise. I walk 3 miles every day, a nice brisk walk. It's good for me and mentally I feel better.
    The longer you stay and take crap like that, the more you begin to believe it and it breaks you down.
    Do it for you, but don't let him belittle you.
    YoungGrayHair's Avatar
    YoungGrayHair Posts: 13, Reputation: 0
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    #15

    Nov 25, 2007, 10:09 PM
    I have looked back and read all the posts and it seems pretty obviouse that my marriage is definitely on the shaky rocks falling off into the foamy sea of failure. I just don't know how to handle this.I feel like I have somehow failed at a happy ever after life.
    It was not supposed to be this way.I have done everything I can think of to save our relationship.EVERYTHING.Foot rubs, massages,a hot meal on the table every day at the same time,all the above and down below as well.I just don't understand.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #16

    Nov 26, 2007, 08:28 AM
    You have not failed. He is being a butt. If you know in your heart that you have been the best wife you can be then that is all you can do.
    Sounds to me like this guy is nit-picking. If it's not your weight, it would be something else. But even if it is just your weight, there is a more loving and kind way to handle it. He could go for walks with you, he could help. But the fact that he is so cruel speaks volumes.
    This is him, not you.
    YoungGrayHair's Avatar
    YoungGrayHair Posts: 13, Reputation: 0
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    #17

    Nov 26, 2007, 09:29 AM
    I called a diet doctor this morning. I am scheduled to see her Friday.
    I also am joining weight watchers and I am looking into going back to school.
    I have been a stay home mom and wife, all these years,my husband did not want me to get a job,but he gives me a small allowance every two weeks$75.00.So plan to start saving some of that for an apartment I think.
    We talked this morning, I told him I plan to leave and he said I could not make it without him.That I could not get a job anywhere.That no one would hire me ,That I have no where to go.I have been estranged from my family all this time, he really does not like for me to go anywhere or visit my family, they live 4 hours away, he says he does not want me driving by myself that far.
    I have been spurred to do some digging, there is a program at the local college for people like myself,who have not been in the workforce for many years wanting to get a two year degree.
    The only thing is , my husband makes way too much money for me to get any financial helps.I don't know for sure just what my next move may be , I think I will just think on things for a bit and see just what to do.
    He did say that I could never make it without him.
    So I guess if he was wanting our marriage to be over , then he lied.He thinks now I will leave and that has brought out this reaction,Should have said that a long time ago, called his BLUFF.Every thing has changed now, I feel like my life is changing and I don't like it,Im halfway scared.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,794, Reputation: 2604
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    #18

    Nov 26, 2007, 10:55 AM
    He sounds very manipulative and cruel. Not a very nice person at all. Make plans to do what you have to do. I would't tell him what you're doing though. He will only discourage you or give you hassel. You just work on improving yourself.
    I wish you well.
    YoungGrayHair's Avatar
    YoungGrayHair Posts: 13, Reputation: 0
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    #19

    Nov 26, 2007, 11:13 AM
    Thanks Homegirl,
    I don't know if I can go through with it , but I will keep you posted on what's going on, if I do this..
    I will need all the words of wisdom and courage I can get.
    Kayte
    YoungGrayHair's Avatar
    YoungGrayHair Posts: 13, Reputation: 0
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    #20

    Nov 26, 2007, 11:15 AM
    By the way I have lost 4 lbs since posting... my stomaches in knots
    Go figure...

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