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    Cgirl's Avatar
    Cgirl Posts: 287, Reputation: 38
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    #1

    Apr 21, 2006, 08:34 AM
    Wedding ettiquette
    Hi everyone! I just wanted to get some opinions on something... my best friend is getting married this summer and she is having a somewhat large wedding (about 200 people) Do you think that she should be able to choose who comes and who doesn't or do you think it is proper ettiquette to allow her parents to invite people they know but she doesn't know, and the same with the grooms parents. They are paying for the reception (the bride's parents.) In my opinion, it is YOUR wedding, you invite who you want, regardless of who is paying for what. When I got married we had about 100 people (we have big families) but it was ALL close friends and relatives, there were no 3rd or 4th cousins or mothers brothers bosses there. I just think nowadays in 2006 it should be the couples right to choose who comes. What does everyone else think?
    mr.yet's Avatar
    mr.yet Posts: 1,725, Reputation: 176
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    #2

    Apr 21, 2006, 08:49 AM
    It is their day, they should be able to allow whom ever they please to attend this special day. Who cares who's paying for it, it is their day to share the love.
    NeedKarma's Avatar
    NeedKarma Posts: 10,635, Reputation: 1706
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    #3

    Apr 21, 2006, 08:53 AM
    This question has plagued grooms and brides forever. It would be a challenge to find any wedding planning that did not involve some strife concerning the guest list. The resolution seems to depend on the personality types of the people involve.
    ScottGem's Avatar
    ScottGem Posts: 64,966, Reputation: 6056
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    #4

    Apr 21, 2006, 08:54 AM
    Even though it's the bride's day, it's the parents wallets. Of course that doesn't give them the right to control the whole shebang. A large wedding like you describe has to be a compromise. When I was married, my father-in-law placed a limit on the number of people. We started allocating the spots 50-25-25 between my wife and I (the 50) and the families. Of course there was some overlap. Also, my father-in-law didn't use all his slots and my parents offered to pay for a few more. I don't recall any major battles as we all took each other's needs into consideration.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,304, Reputation: 7692
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    #5

    Apr 21, 2006, 01:05 PM
    The bride and groom should have first choice about how they want to come.
    Next the brides and grooms family should have some say as to who they would like to have invited.
    Cgirl's Avatar
    Cgirl Posts: 287, Reputation: 38
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    #6

    Apr 21, 2006, 01:18 PM
    Thank you all, I will let her know that. I think ultimatly it is the bride and grooms decision as to who comes, but I do agree, that the family can add a few people. I just don't think they should CONTROL the guest list, that's all. Thanks again!
    fredg's Avatar
    fredg Posts: 4,928, Reputation: 674
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    #7

    Apr 22, 2006, 05:45 AM
    HI,
    I agree with you, Cgirl, that the families should not fully control the guest list.
    There should be agreement between both families, and the bride and groom, as to who will be invited.
    Compromise is the key here. Not everyone can attend!
    milliec's Avatar
    milliec Posts: 262, Reputation: 55
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    #8

    Apr 22, 2006, 09:28 AM
    When our eldest son married, there were 300 people at the wedding. Here in Israel, this is an average wedding, because there are many families with numerous close relatives (like 1st cousins), also because it's a "pocket size" country, so it's not big deal to get to the wedding. Jewish families, generally speaking, are close-knit so every one is rather "close"
    SORRY- I'm back to the point:
    We decided that the young couple invited who they though would like to be present, and then, the parents of both sides invited the people they considered close enough to have them at the wedding. We paid for our guests and our son's , and so did the parents of our daughter in law, and there were no hard feelings.
    The point is, that although this is the young coupe's big day, there are still people who are close to the parents and not necessarily to the bride and groom, and the parents would like to share with them these happy moments.
    After all, everyone's feelings should be considered.
    I'd like to add the story of my daughter's marriage. She and her husband decided they wished to marry in Tuscany, Italy.
    Since this meant a trip abroad, only the parents of both sides, and the young couple brothers and sister with their respective spouses came to the wedding. Again, each side paid respectively.
    It was a wonderful wedding, and all of us had a great time.
    Mazel Tov to your friend,
    Millie:)
    31pumpkin's Avatar
    31pumpkin Posts: 379, Reputation: 50
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    #9

    May 7, 2006, 11:50 AM
    Hi Cgirl,

    Not to sound unromantic, but we have 2 daughters - 23 & 19. I hope not to deal with any of what I call "unimportant nonsense".

    It is one of the couple's very SPECIAL DAYS, so I think it should be up to them & the rest- compromise.

    Even if the bride's parents are paying. I think they should pay and then just be grateful they have at least gotten the child off their payroll!

    Just my opinion though! I do love them dearly. :rolleyes:
    Catseyes's Avatar
    Catseyes Posts: 51, Reputation: 5
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    #10

    May 21, 2006, 02:45 PM
    I got married 2 years ago. It was a special ceremony as we got married in the US in front of a webcam so that our family members in France could "see" the ceremony. ( we had to get married quickly for some personal reasons, and could not go back to France ).

    Now, we would like to have a religious ceremony so that there is a celebration with family members.
    However, my husband has already had numerous arguments with his mom : she wants to invite friends/colleagues of hers that my husband does not even know. My husband says "no way" .

    I would like to emphasize that we want to pay for everything in order to prevent arguments ( which does not seem to be efficient... ).

    His mother says it's her right to have people she likes at her son's wedding.
    I am so fed up with all the nonsense ( my mother-in-law is rather stubborn and does not know what the word "discussion" means) that I now want to invite only parents, grandparents ,and brother/sister to an exotic place. This way, the number of spots is ( very ) limited and cannot be contested.
    I admit it's not what I had dreamed of as a little girl, but I prefer this to countless hours of sterile "discussion".
    It might not be the best solution, and my husband and I are still trying to figure out what to do.

    Anyway, we are already married, so we could even decide to do nothing !

    I agree with all the people who said that it's the couple's special day. Not their parents ( and that's our problem ! ).
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #11

    May 22, 2006, 05:26 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Cgirl
    Hi everyone! I just wanted to get some opinions on something...my best friend is getting married this summer and she is having a somewhat large wedding (about 200 people) Do you think that she should be able to choose who comes and who doesn't or do you think it is proper ettiquette to allow her parents to invite people they know but she doesn't know, and the same with the grooms parents. They are paying for the reception (the bride's parents.) In my opinion, it is YOUR wedding, you invite who you want, reguardless of who is paying for what. When I got married we had about 100 people (we have big families) but it was ALL close friends and relatives, there were no 3rd or 4th cousins or mothers brothers bosses there. I just think nowadays in 2006 it should be the couples right to choose who comes. What does everyone else think?
    It's most definitely up to the Bride & groom to choose who they invite to the wedding.

    If the parents get involved that's just them interfering. Its always better to give them a job to do to concentrate on otherwise they overbear everything (just as my mates mum did on the sturday just gone) there were people she told not to come to the wedding even thiugh my mate wanted them there.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #12

    May 22, 2006, 05:29 AM
    The biggest wedding I went to held 600 - 700 people.
    It was a colleague of mine. Huge it was. Anyway the brides parents paid for the wedding and the grooms helped out a lot with the open bars, so a lot of money was put into it by their parents.
    My colleague said to me that she barely new half the guests, as most of the guests where friends of the parents, collagues, 3rd cousins etc...
    DJ 'H''s Avatar
    DJ 'H' Posts: 1,109, Reputation: 114
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    #13

    May 22, 2006, 05:41 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Krs
    The biggest wedding i went to held 600 - 700 people.
    It was a colleague of mine. Huge it was. Anyways the brides parents paid for the wedding and the grooms helped out alot with the open bars, so alot of money was put into it by their parents.
    My colleague said to me that she barely new half the guests, as most of the guests where friends of the parents, collagues, 3rd cousins etc...
    That's awful. Weddings are supposed to be about the bride & groom. They are supposed to involve their family and friends - not strangers. It kind of takes away the whole point of it being a personal & special occasion if you have loads of strangers present.
    Krs's Avatar
    Krs Posts: 2,906, Reputation: 320
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    #14

    May 22, 2006, 06:05 AM
    I know, I personally would hate it. But I suppose people are different and I guess as her dad paid it all, she prob felt out of place to say something.

    But I've been to weddings here and England and here they are abit different to england.
    Here its evening weddings, not sit down meals for a reception. Quite different.
    I enjoyed both...
    marriedtwo's Avatar
    marriedtwo Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #15

    Feb 27, 2007, 05:36 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by DJ 'H'
    It's most definately up to the Bride & groom to choose who they invite to the wedding.

    if the parents get involved thats just them interfering. Its always better to give them a job to do to concentrate on otherwise they overbear everything (just as my mates mum did on the sturday just gone) there were people she told not to come to the wedding even thiugh my mate wanted them there.

    If the bride and groom want to have the day go exactly the way they want and give no consideration to the families, then they should suck it up and pay for the day. To say the parents are just interfering by wanting to share the day with some of their close friends is terribly selfish. I guess it's okay to ask mom and dad to foot the bill, but they'd better keep their mouths shut? Sorry, I didn't raise my kids that way.:(

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