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    sinvk's Avatar
    sinvk Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 2, 2012, 11:17 AM
    Need a quick favor.. Please
    I'm a Tamil brahmin from South India.. I'm in love with a non-brahmin Bengali.. I'm 23 n he is 26 and I can imagine what happens when I present this matter to my father.. My mom knows but will accept only if my father accepts.. My father is so strict and he won't listen to anybody in taking important decisions, not even my mom..

    We are so much in love and is past 2 years.. My parents will start inviting proposals once I get a job, am hunting right now.. He is employed.. We wish to have a proper arranged marriage, since we don't wish to elope.. His mother knows, and yet to tell his father.. The problems that will be arising would be difference is caste, culture, food and finally language.. We too know that it's a huge lot difference and we have nothing in common, other than our similarity in ideas, perception of life and the love and willingness to sacrifice and compromise anything for each other.. My parents will give more importance to the society than my love and my dreams..

    I really don't know how to convince my father.. We can't part too, we are so much involved that we cannot live without each other.. I can assure my parents that he will not leave me and will take good care of me like now, forever..

    Please recommend..
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #2

    Oct 2, 2012, 11:27 AM
    As we have told many other couples in the same situation, you will have to choose between your families and each other if any of the parents will not approve.

    Your father is bound to tradition and culture. I am guessing he will not soften.
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    sinvk Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Oct 2, 2012, 11:32 AM
    Exactly, he will never.. That's what I know about him till date.. If he accepts then I will consider that as the eighth wonder.. But I need both him as well as my parents.. Losing one of both will be as painful as the other.. We both are willing to wait till they accept, but we need their blessings too..
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    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #4

    Oct 2, 2012, 11:46 AM
    The only thing you can do is throw this gently into his lap and hope his love for you will overcome his beliefs. I know from my own family that will probably not happen. Tradition is very strong and unable to be violated in their minds.
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    sinvk Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Oct 2, 2012, 11:48 AM
    Yeah.. so do you mean to say that I must be willing to sacrifice one for the other? Isn't there any way out??
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    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #6

    Oct 2, 2012, 11:51 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by sinvk View Post
    Yeah.. so do you mean to say that I must be willing to sacrifice one for the other?? Isnt there any way out???
    From all the other similar questions we have responded to on this site, it seems there is no way to convince the older generation to relax on their rules and beliefs. Some couples have moved away to another country to marry, but most have given in to tradition and culture, to an arranged marriage.

    Do you see any way out of this, a way to convince him?
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    sinvk Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Oct 2, 2012, 11:58 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    From all the other similar questions we have responded to on this site, it seems there is no way to convince the older generation to relax on their rules and beliefs. Some couples have moved away to another country to marry, but most have given in to tradition and culture, to an arranged marriage.

    Do you see any way out of this, a way to convince him?
    I could not find a solution and hence posted my anxiety here.. We cannot anyhow think of moving out for the next 5-10 years.. I know its difficult to manage the society but I have no other option.. Its me who's going to live with him, not the society.. So am not willing to listen to what the society says.. After all this is my life!! At the same time losing family will be a pain for sure
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #8

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:01 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by sinvk View Post
    I could not find a solution and hence posted my anxiety here.. We cannot anyhow think of moving out for the next 5-10 years.. I know its difficult to manage the society but I have no other option.. Its me who's gonna live with him, not the society.. So am not willing to listen to what the society says.. After all this is my life!!! At the same time losing family will be a pain for sure
    Can you prevent an arranged marriage for years and years until you can move away?

    Is there anything that your father would accept about your boyfriend and a marriage? Let's start there.
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    sinvk Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:07 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Can you prevent an arranged marriage for years and years until you can move away?

    Is there anything that your father would accept about your boyfriend and a marriage? Let's start there.
    Yes, he has got lot many qualities my father looks in for a groom for me.. He is very caring, a full-fledged family person, has good family values, good respect for others, educated, decently employed, helping, approachable, jovial and soft spoken.. He keeps me so happy and protective.. It has happened many times, he supports me a lot.. Takes care of me like a kid.. He carries me like an angel.. If he's around me, then I don't have to worry about anything.. Also he has studied my character so accurately that he even knows where, when n how do I react to situations.. His behavior has wondered me many times.. He is such a sweetheart and does anything to make me happy..
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #10

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:10 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by sinvk View Post
    Yes, he has got lot many qualities my father looks in for a groom for me.. He is very caring, a full-fledged family person, has good family values, good respect for others, educated, decently employed, helping, approachable, jovial and soft spoken.. He keeps me so happy and protective.. It has happened many times, he supports me a lot.. Takes care of me like a kid.. He carries me like an angel.. If he's around me, then I dont have to worry about anything.. Also he has studied my character so accurately that he even knows where, when n how do I react to situations.. His behavior has wondered me many times.. He is such a sweetheart and does anything to make me happy..
    Very good!

    Does your father know him? Has he met him?
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    #11

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:18 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Very good!

    Does your father know him? Has he met him?
    He has been to my house during our House Warming.. He just knows that he's my friend, nothing more.. One main reason why I am so adamant in this case is that if I lose him, then that will be the biggest loss of a lifetime.. I don't wanto leave him for somebody else.. We both are possessive for each other.. And unlike other girls, I enjoy his possessiveness :P.. I enjoy his company a lot, I miss him every second.. The only thing I think about every time is Him, Him n only Him.. Even though we are not meeting for the past 6 months, he spares every time he gets for me after work.. I believe in long distance relationships, because its working very well for me..
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    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #12

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:21 PM
    Is there a way you can get him to connect more with your father, by doing something with or for your father? You need to forge a strong bond between those two.
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    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #13

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:26 PM
    As an American with little knowledge of Indian customs, I can't presume to give concrete advice. But I will, and you tell me if it's all wrong. Your boyfriend goes to your parents well dressed and bringing a small gift, and formally declares his feelings for you and his wish to marry you, in a memorized speech that doesn't take more than 5 minutes (in case her father gets upset). He praises them for being your parents, because you are so wonderful because of them. He states his ability to be a good husband, thanks them, and leaves, so that they don't have to say anything. If you speak different languages, he uses theirs.
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    #14

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:29 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Is there a way you can get him to connect more with your father, by doing something with or for your father? You need to forge a strong bond between those two.
    My father is a type of person who does not encourage me having boys as friends, nor he talks to them.. I have talked about him, praised him in every possible situation.. But my father never responds, he sits as if he is not listening :( I can't force him to make him listen right? I can do that only once I tell him that I am in love.. I'm just waiting to get a job.. I thank my parents since they at least want me to settle down first and then marry.. I too believe in telling him after I get a job, since I wish to be independent first of all and be of my own..

    I'm scared whether he will do something wrong, like hurting himself or losing life or any such sort.. I have a younger brother too, so I just wish he won't do anything at least for his sake..
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    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #15

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:39 PM
    The shame factor is big among traditional thinking elders in Asian countries. Would he be so unforgiving and take his own life?
    sinvk's Avatar
    sinvk Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:40 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by joypulv View Post
    As an American with little knowledge of Indian customs, I can't presume to give concrete advice. But I will, and you tell me if it's all wrong. Your boyfriend goes to your parents well dressed and bringing a small gift, and formally declares his feelings for you and his wish to marry you, in a memorized speech that doesn't take more than 5 minutes (in case her father gets upset). He praises them for being your parents, because you are so wonderful because of them. He states his ability to be a good husband, thanks them, and leaves, so that they don't have to say anything. If you speak different languages, he uses theirs.
    Joy.. That's so sweet of you.. Sounds so nice but doesn't match to our customs.. I just wish we were as same as you.. How nice it would have been if my boyfriend had dressed up nicely and handover a beautiful gift to my parents and ask me in return.. I can only imagine that in my dreams.. And we have a lot of languages in our country, even I;m not sure how many.. We have a wide variety of cultures but have lots of such pblms too.. Thank you for your advice.. I'd have if I were an American ;) :P
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    sinvk Posts: 24, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:44 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    The shame factor is big among traditional thinking elders in Asian countries. Would he be so unforgiving and take his own life?
    I don't know.. I'm expecting the worse, since there is such a huge difference and he would have never ever even thought in his dreams that this would happen to his family n daughter.. I don't know how will he take this and I don't know what I should do to prevent him if in case he attempts.. Am so worried.. :') I'm in such a dilemma that am frustrated n depressed of my joblessness, love, marriage, family and the list goes on n on...
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    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #18

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:46 PM
    Do you know of any couples who have overcome something like this and kept their families from despair?
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    #19

    Oct 2, 2012, 12:50 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Wondergirl View Post
    Do you know of any couples who have overcome something like this and kept their families from despair?
    No.. One of my aunt's had a love marriage.. She got married to a Kannadiga, she had actually eloped 30 years back.. They live very happily and recently married off their only son.. I can seek their help, but as I said my father won't listen to anybody in this matter
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    Wondergirl Posts: 37,846, Reputation: 5428
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    #20

    Oct 2, 2012, 01:28 PM
    Yes, consult with your aunt. She knows your father well? Would she help you with him, talk with him?

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