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    EnglishRose's Avatar
    EnglishRose Posts: 279, Reputation: 49
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    #1

    Mar 19, 2007, 11:41 AM
    My Mum is taking over!
    My mum is totally taking over my wedding plans and won't listen to what I want. I've always wanted asmall wedding with just close friends and family there but she says I have to be polite and invite the world and his dog! I come from a family full of un-married or divorced couples so she want me to invite peoples partners that they have only been with for 5 minutes and I don't know from adam. Am I being selfish?
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #2

    Mar 21, 2007, 10:13 AM
    I just noticed your question on the unanswered board. I apologize that no one has answered this sooner. I am sure others will stop by and weigh in with their opinions when this comes back around to the top of the forum.

    No, EnglishRose, you are not being selfish. Not by any means. This is YOUR wedding and you should be able to decide who you would like to join you in what is supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

    Unfortunately, you are experiencing what a lot of brides-to-be experience. Demanding relatives who are trying to make you feel guilty by not doing what THEY want you to do. Sometimes, the relative, in this case your Mum, forgets her place in this and feels this is as much her "affair" as yours. Are you parents paying for the wedding? When our parents are financially involved, they feel they have the right to dictate how things should be. It is unfortunate that not everyone understands this is the bride's day and not "all the relatives" day.

    If you want a small wedding, can you afford to do this on your own with your fiancé? It may come down to having to do that if you fully want to have control over your special day. I would suggest having a discussion with Mum and state that if she is not willing to honor your wishes, then you will have no alternative but to plan and pay for this yourself. I don't know how religious she is, but you might want to try a scare tactic if you can't afford this on your own. Tell her, you do not want strangers at your wedding. That a wedding is for a bride to celebrate her happiest day with those that she knows well, family and friends that she truly loves. Tell her that if she doesn't respect your wishes, she will leave you no alternative but to go to a justice of the peace and be married with your two closest friends as witnesses, and NO ONE ELSE will be invited. State all this very calmly and matter of factly to her, and then leave. Let her think about this for a day or two. You need to do something drastic to get her to understand that this is your wedding, not hers.

    It might just shake some sense into her. Hopefully you both can find a mutual and balanced compromise. If not, you need to decide if it is more important for you to have the wedding paid for by your parents, and allow your mother to do what will make her happy, or just pay for this yourself and do what makes you happy. Good luck in whatever you decide.

    I hope this helped. And, since I forgot to mention it before, congrats on your upcoming wedding! :)
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,278, Reputation: 7690
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    #3

    Mar 21, 2007, 01:30 PM
    There is a very interesting word, I learned it some time ago. That majic word is NO. It is your wedding, so you just tell her NO, you are going to do... nad NO, I am going to...

    And finally, no, if you don't stop I am eloping.

    You are letting her do it, so just stop her,
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #4

    Mar 21, 2007, 01:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck
    You are letting her do it, so just stop her,

    He is right EnglishRose. You are letting her do this to you. You really need to dig down and find the nerve in you to take back control of your wedding. Your mother knows that what she is doing is inappropriate. But, you are allowing her to get away with it.
    EnglishRose's Avatar
    EnglishRose Posts: 279, Reputation: 49
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    #5

    Mar 22, 2007, 05:59 AM
    I did put my foot down, but then it caused so much fuss I gave in. I can do it without her money, but I want to do it with her support. She actually bought dresses for my bridesmaids without me being there! She's now suggesting I have 9 bridesmaids to make everyone happy!!
    Synnen's Avatar
    Synnen Posts: 7,927, Reputation: 2443
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    #6

    Mar 22, 2007, 06:29 AM
    Oh good lord.

    I'm betting she didn't get the big wedding that she wanted, once upon a time.

    You need to go through the fuss, unfortunately.

    It's probably best to do it when you and she are alone, so she can't bring in "reinforcements". Calmly and quietly let her know that she is slowly ruining your wedding for you. Every time you turn around, you feel bullied and pressured into doing things HER way, rather than getting the wedding that YOU want. Let her know that you are willing to pay for the wedding your way, but that you'd really like her support in making your day special.

    I'm sure she's trying to make sure that you don't have any regrets later in life, and she sounds like she loves you very much. You just need to explain to her that this is YOUR day, and you're willing to do it YOUR way, with or without her.

    Congratulations on your upcoming marriage! May your lives together be long and happy!
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #7

    Mar 22, 2007, 06:37 AM
    Okay, so she is definitely stepping over the line here. Since you have already put your foot down with her and it is falling on deaf ears, you need to do it again. 9 bridesmaids is a bit much, for anyone, except if it is a Royal Wedding. Did she buy 9 dresses? You need to tell your bridesmaids that if she contacts them for anything, they are to report directly back to you. You need to take control back of your wedding and the only way to do that is to know every move she is making. Speak to all the service people involved -- caterer, florist, musicians,. tell them all that they are only to take their instructions from you and if she butts in, to call you.

    In any event, you need to stop her if you don't want this to spin any more out of control than it already is. Believe me, if she is being this controlling, she wants deperately to be a part of your happy day and you will have her support. Are you being married by a clergyman? I would suggest you make an appointment with him and discuss the situation fully. I am sure he has been through this type of situation many times. Ask him for advice on how to deal with this if you are uncomfortable with our suggestions. He might have other ideas for you.


    P.S. Sorry Syn, I didn't see your response before I answered.
    EnglishRose's Avatar
    EnglishRose Posts: 279, Reputation: 49
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    #8

    Mar 22, 2007, 12:59 PM
    She did have the wedding she wanted a few years ago so its definatley not that. She did have 7 bridesmaids though! I don't know how she expects me to fit up the isle! I do need to speak to the clergyman (shes a female, which may actually help) so I will mention it.
    EnglishRose's Avatar
    EnglishRose Posts: 279, Reputation: 49
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    #9

    Mar 23, 2007, 10:06 AM
    My mum is getting worse. She is now saying that I have no respect for her because I asked her to take the dresses she bought back. She says she is too hurt to talk to me. I don't want to hurt her but what else can I do?
    RubyPitbull's Avatar
    RubyPitbull Posts: 3,575, Reputation: 648
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    #10

    Mar 23, 2007, 10:48 AM
    E.R. hold your ground, baby! Mum is playing the guilt card. Give her what she wants, don't talk to her. It really isn't what she wants at all actually. This is very much a control issue and she is letting you know that she wants to be in control. If you keep trying to talk to her, she has "won" in her mind. She is being very childish doing this to you. Don't talk to her. Guaranteed, she will break and call you if not in a day, within a few days. She won't be able to help herself. She needs to know everything that is going on. She will crack. Believe me. Just hold out longer than she does. :)
    ncgirl_21's Avatar
    ncgirl_21 Posts: 79, Reputation: 6
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    #11

    Mar 25, 2007, 09:20 PM
    Englishrose,
    I'm in the exact opposite situation as you my mom refuses to help with my wedding at all because my fiancée and I lived togather and she's done everything in her power to prevent us from having a wedding like we want but that's just gave me the will power to make it happen trust me you have gotten some good advice here and holding out longer than your mother and not calling her in the end will work my moms finally relizeing that she's not going to stop me from having the wedding Ive always dreamed of. You have to be strong and you'll need some very strong friends as your back bone and a supportive fiancée also helps she'll finally get the pic it might be months later but it does work.
    gypsy456's Avatar
    gypsy456 Posts: 319, Reputation: 48
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    #12

    Mar 26, 2007, 03:43 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by EnglishRose
    My mum is totally taking over my wedding plans and wont listen to what I want. I've always wanted asmall wedding with just close friends and family there but she says I have to be polite and invite the world and his dog! I come from a family full of un-married or divorced couples so she want me to invite peoples partners that they have only been with for 5 mins and I dont know from adam. Am I being selfish?
    Who again is getting married??

    Ah you... and not your mum :) :) :)


    No, of course you are not being selfish.
    This is your day... this is your life... and you do not have to be polite by throwing a big party if you don't want to!

    Be clear.

    Sit around the table with your mum and tell her.
    She has a choice: she can be happy that her daughter is getting married or she can be miserable that she doesn't get it her way.
    Her choice.

    I wish you a wonderful wedding day.
    This is your day... for you and your future husband.

    And that's what counts.
    MrsJoseph06's Avatar
    MrsJoseph06 Posts: 189, Reputation: 22
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    #13

    Mar 30, 2007, 11:16 AM
    Sweetie you are not selfish in the least bit! My wedding was beautiful but all the stress and fighting that took place the 6months before the wedding really deminished the whole thing! It is your day and it should be how you want it to be! Just try to focus on the fact that you are getting married! It should be the happiest day of your life! Good luck!
    louie1's Avatar
    louie1 Posts: 183, Reputation: 49
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    #14

    Mar 30, 2007, 11:33 AM
    Hello,
    Sadly you need to be honest and brutal with your mum, this is your day not hers and it should be everything you want it to be. Sounds to me like your mum just wants to show off her beautiful daughter to the world.Are you her only daughter? Is it that she is so carried away with making the day in her eyes " perfect for you " that she has bypassed your feelings.

    Personally if it was me I would be straight tell her that this is your day not hers and if she continues to take over then yourself and your groom will go get married abroad with the people you choose for company.

    Good luck!
    EnglishRose's Avatar
    EnglishRose Posts: 279, Reputation: 49
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    #15

    Mar 30, 2007, 01:37 PM
    I am an only child yes. She is starting to come round a little, though I think she finally realised how bad I had gotten when I had an op the other day and come round from the anasthetic crying about the wedding because I had a nightmare about all the fuss!
    louie1's Avatar
    louie1 Posts: 183, Reputation: 49
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    #16

    Mar 30, 2007, 03:41 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by EnglishRose
    I am an only child yes. She is starting to come round a little, though I think she finally realised how bad i had gotten when I had an op the the other day and come round from the anasthetic crying about the wedding because I had a nightmare about all the fuss!
    Hope you are well after your op, I think lots of communication with mum she is just desperately trying to do her best for you. She has been looking forward to this day since you were born and has just got carried away with all the hopes and dreams.I am sure that mum loves you and would feel mortifyed if she knew that you were so upset as I am sure this is far from her intentions. Sadly what does not make it any easier is that you are an only child, does mum have a close friend that you could confide in who would help keep mums feet on the ground?
    EnglishRose's Avatar
    EnglishRose Posts: 279, Reputation: 49
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    #17

    Apr 12, 2007, 09:56 AM
    Sadly her best friend just mad e the situation worse. I have actually given up now and have cancled the wedding for now
    grateful's Avatar
    grateful Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Apr 17, 2007, 10:37 AM
    My inlaws want me to ask the bride and groom how much certain people have given as gifts. I don't even feel like this is mu wife and my owm business. Is there proper ettiquete about this?
    grateful's Avatar
    grateful Posts: 2, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Apr 17, 2007, 10:53 AM
    My inlaws want me to ask the bride and groom how much certain people have given as gifts. I don't even feel like this is my wife and my own business. Is there proper etiquette about this?
    shortygirl's Avatar
    shortygirl Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #20

    Jan 21, 2010, 01:47 PM
    I read this eventhought this happened in 2007 and don't think you will be reading this but wanted to comment. I know how you feel my wedding is in one month all these 6months of planin my wedding have been a nightmare not because I don't want to get married but because my mom is taking control of everything and its hard to say no because then she plays the innocent role that I made her feel bad in something's I am able to say not then she get real mad and starts crying other things are impossible and I end up crying like recently we received our inventaitons that me and my fiancé personally picked out together well my mom hates them she thinks the paper is ugly there not elegant enough and wants to make new ones for people who are picking. Well she asked for the invitation since it has all the info. To go get them done and I gave her the infor typed on a paper well she got mad and she said aren't u going to give me an invitation and I told her why I gave you the infor on the paper plus you think they are ugly so why do you want one well she got so mad she didn't want to talk to me anymore. I felt really bad but well what keeps my head up is my fiancé he tells me try not to stress about this situation with your mom what matters is that we are going to get married and be happy after that your mom won't be able to control everything on how you should do things or organize your home etc... Just enjoy and enjoy the special day... hope it helped.. At times I did feel like canceling the wedding because without my mom finaceling helping us then there is no way we can affor it but my fiancé helped me stay stron in some things I did speak up some were imposible and still are but what matters is I'm getting married and she couldn't tell me who to marry.. LOL

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