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    cameron 10's Avatar
    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Nov 12, 2009, 11:15 AM
    Cold feet
    Hi ,my fiancÚ is has cold feet worried about moving with 4 kids .Her mom has also been against it wwich I think is the bigger issue, whatshould I tell her?
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #2

    Nov 12, 2009, 11:24 AM
    Have the issues with her ex been resolved?

    If so,you need to talk to her,get to the root of the problem... although your getting married in August,there is a lot of work still to be done in your relationship... neither of you seem to be on the same page,or working from the same plan..

    If her mother is having that much of an influence on your fiancÚ now,its not going to change when you get married...

    Communication is the glue and the best tool in a relationship... starting talking and taking action instead of reacting.
    cameron 10's Avatar
    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Nov 12, 2009, 11:41 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by redhed35 View Post
    have the issues with her ex been resolved?

    if so,you need to talk to her,get to the root of the problem....although your getting married in august,there is a lot of work still to be done in your relationship....neither of you seem to be on the same page,or working from the same plan..

    if her mother is having that much of an influence on your fiance now,its not going to change when you get married.....

    communication is the glue and the best tool in a relationship....starting talking and taking action instead of reacting.
    Yes ,she took care of it this morning then this came up. She's 45 a teacher lives on her own I think its time to cut the cord .Her mom doesn't let her live. I have never loved anyone more its hard.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #4

    Nov 12, 2009, 11:49 AM

    If her mother is elderly then perhaps she feels responible for her,there would be a lot of co-dependency there,that will be hard to break... your going to have to find a compromise.

    I would advice against making her choose,you may not be the winner!

    Again,talk to her,find the middle ground,then both of you talk to the kids,and then her mother... try and not be the bad guy,there is middle ground here I'm sure,just no one has thought of it yet.

    Could I ask how long you have been together and how old the kids are?
    cameron 10's Avatar
    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Nov 12, 2009, 11:51 AM

    She's a great person and she can do this.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #6

    Nov 12, 2009, 11:53 AM

    I'm sure she is a great person, work together to come up with a solution... if she is upset about her mother,or worried about the kids she won't be happy and she will feel stressed... they will all pull her in different directions...

    Help her... be a team... work out the creases... talk talk talk..
    cameron 10's Avatar
    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #7

    Nov 12, 2009, 11:55 AM
    Kids are 8,13,15,18.20.Weve been dating 2 1/2 years we had the little boyfriend problem in dec he slept over on christmas day .I was with kids I know nothing happened but enough is enough with him.
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    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #8

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:00 PM
    The kids are with me 4 1/2 days a week with ex the rest .One in college other is gone most of time.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #9

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:05 PM

    Fair enough that the little boyfriend problem is sorted...

    My advice stands that you need to be a team... at the end of the day you want to be a strong couple and have a lasting marriage.. set the stage for that now.
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    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #10

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:08 PM

    Thanks ,any suggestions
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #11

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:14 PM
    Suggestions for a good relationship?

    Its actually a state secret,but ill tell you.

    Honest communication...

    Compromise.

    Mutual respect.

    Support each other.

    Listen to each other... really listen.

    Understanding and try to see each others point of view.

    Realise that you both need space on your own,and pursue separate interests and mutual interests...

    And COMMUNICATE... I can't say that enough... if your scared for her,worried about the relationship,tell her... be open and honest.
    cameron 10's Avatar
    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #12

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:16 PM

    Her sister has said the boyfriend was her way of pleaseing her mom .She has regreted it every sense
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    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #13

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:21 PM
    Thanks again you have been a lot of help.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #14

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:22 PM
    I would suggest if the ex is out of the picture and the situation resolved you leave it at that... do not keep bringing up past arguments... it will sabatage any future making up that's needs to be done..

    Don't throw it back in her face!

    She is with you,and going to marry you,she picked you...

    Trust is vital.
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #15

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:26 PM
    Other people will view your thread, make suggestions and offer other advice.

    In my limited time here I have found the majority of members give sound,objective advice... keep an eye on your thread.
    cameron 10's Avatar
    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #16

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:27 PM

    Got it I have done that in pas,t your good.
    cameron 10's Avatar
    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:31 PM
    Really this has helped
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #18

    Nov 12, 2009, 12:35 PM

    I'm glad I was able you help you get perspective... trust your relationship... let it be a staple in your life... but it takes work,and sometimes you might feel that you have reached a stale mate... but make a conscious decision together,that you each will be a support,without judgement...

    Be the one she comes too,and let her support you too..
    cameron 10's Avatar
    cameron 10 Posts: 26, Reputation: 1
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    #19

    Nov 14, 2009, 08:14 AM

    One more question for redhed35. Relationships should they be all give .True love means you will do anything for someone right? I have done things for her ,like give up time with my kids that you can't get back,bought her the ring of her dreams,moving out of my home and building another where she wants to live.She ask to hold off the wedding for another year,venues have been secured,dresses paid for ,cakes designed.I'm starting to dislike her it will hurt me deeply to let her go ,but will it hurt me more or longer to stay will she ever be ready I is what I'm asking you and myself ?
    redhed35's Avatar
    redhed35 Posts: 4,221, Reputation: 1910
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    #20

    Nov 14, 2009, 08:26 AM
    No,relationships should not be all give.

    Both people need their needs met.

    If one person feels their giving more and making more allowance and more compromises,its time to talk... or reconsider the relationship...

    I do think that there's a communication error in your relationship,and your not listening to each other... if you don't tell her what you need from her,she won't know...

    There needs to be a sense of fairness in the relationship... but I believe from your posts,she is easily influenced by others...

    She needs to hear all that you have posted.

    You are an adult,and to make an informed opinion and choice you need all the information,as does she... you need to talk!

    I do suggest you keep an eye on your thread,as other people will have advice for you too.

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