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    Jsab11's Avatar
    Jsab11 Posts: 8, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Oct 18, 2014, 02:24 AM
    Does this dialogue sound natural?
    This is a part of the script for my short documentary film. This part takes place in a WWII battlefield.

    Tank crew 1 (captured tiger): There are tree tigers ahead of us. Here痴 my plan, listen very carefully! I知 going to fool them into thinking that I知 with them by firing at your direction. When you hear my shot, drive your tank backwards to a safer position. If our diversion works, they値l try to pursue you, which will give me time to outflank them.

    Tank crew 2 (T-34): But, sir, I believe we can take them out.

    Tank crew 1 (captured tiger): Negative. Even an 88 cannot punch a hole in their frontal armour at a close range. And even if we kill one of them, that doesn't give us any chance of killing the other two.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Oct 18, 2014, 05:29 AM
    Is arguing with a higher rank ("but sir") likely in a WW2 scene of this type?

    Also, in battle, there isn't time to say much (of course the main reason for rank and not arguing with your superior officers). Words are shouted, sentences are short. "Listen carefully" just doesn't sound like something anyone would say in the heat of battle. This is a pet peeve of mine in all sorts of movie situations where danger is imminent. In fact I wouldn't even say "Here's my plan" either. I'd shorten every sentence! You aren't explaining a war plan to the viewer; you are writing real life dialogue. The diversion tactic is pretty obvious, but you use about 50 words. It could be just "I'll fire in your direction to fool them. Back up then, and when they pursue you, I'll outflank them." SHORT, SHORT!

    The single word 'sir' is the usual acknowledgment when a subordinate is about to follow an order. Not even 'yes sir' in the heat of battle; the yes is understood. I wouldn't even say "but sir" because arguing is dangerous enough, so just argue without formality. Anyone arguing would spit out the words as fast as he can, knowing he's using up precious time by arguing. "I believe" is extraneous too! He either shouts "I know we can take them out, sir!" or he explains in as few words as possible why it's a better idea. "They are already confused seeing me; we can take them out!" THIS IS BATTLE SO MAKE IT SOUND LIKE IT.

    If they are of equal rank, then drop 'sir' and argue away, but keep it short. Immerse yourself in the action.
    odinn7's Avatar
    odinn7 Posts: 7,691, Reputation: 1547
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    #3

    Oct 18, 2014, 10:04 AM
    Also, let me add (since I happen to be a fan of WWII armor)....NO tank crew in a T-34 would ever consider being able to take out a Tiger head-on (even from a good vantage point it would be somewhat difficult as well)...much less taking on 3 of them at once. A T-34 was just outgunned by a Tiger in terms of cannon and armor...the only thing the T-34 had on a Tiger was speed. With that said, I doubt a T-34 crew would tell anyone that they believe they could "take them out" when referring to a group of Tigers.
    Precious7's Avatar
    Precious7 Posts: 333, Reputation: 61
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    #4

    Oct 18, 2014, 12:19 PM
    Just a small suggestion, To make a good effect of communication and conversation between Both Tank Crew you can use language in a way that attracts the audience ears for eg: - Instead of saying, ''But, sir, I believe... '', One can just say- ''I think / believe we can take them out" with a facial expression of the speaker who is showing his disagreement or whatever he is trying to say. In that way verbal communication will kind of compliments non-verbal. And spreads its magic. But everything is so far so good.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #5

    Oct 18, 2014, 12:32 PM
    I disagree. They aren't standing around headquarters. Each man is stuffed inside a tank. They can't see each other. And there is no time to 'believe.' And a soldier brazen enough to argue with a command better be damn sure of himself, not 'think' or 'believe' something. If I were his superior and he talked like that to me in battle, he'd get a dishonorable discharge.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #6

    Oct 18, 2014, 12:38 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Jsab11 View Post
    This is a part of the script for my short documentary film. This part takes place in a WWII battlefield.

    Tank crew 1 (captured tiger): There are tree tigers ahead of us. Here痴 my plan, listen very carefully! I知 going to fool them into thinking that I知 with them by firing at your direction. When you hear my shot, drive your tank backwards to a safer position. If our diversion works, they値l try to pursue you, which will give me time to outflank them.

    Tank crew 2 (T-34): But, sir, I believe we can take them out.

    Tank crew 1 (captured tiger): Negative. Even an 88 cannot punch a hole in their frontal armour at a close range. And even if we kill one of them, that doesn't give us any chance of killing the other two.
    Is this a documentary about an actual event/person or is this a film that is supposed to look/sound like a documentary?

    If it is an actual event, try to stay with the known or accepted dialog. Real life usually does not sound like what you hear in the movies.

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