Umm hi guys. Anyway. Here's the deal. I am 17 and my boyfriend's 23. After being in a relationship with him for 5 months, I lost my virginity to him (We were... 16 and 22 at that point). I'm not proud of this and am tormented by it everyday. I feel so much shame. I live with a very conservative family and are close to God. I didn't really mean to give it to him, I mean I know that I'm so young. I WAS ONLY 16. But I was upset at the time and just wanted to be distracted by anything (but I wouldn't do this kind of thing for just A DISTRACTION. I mean I trust my boyfriend so much. Though he was why I was upset that time). And I know that I couldn't blame him for everything because I HAD let him do that to me. But sometimes I do. Now, I'm in a stage where I'm a bit addicted s**. But we're trying to change. Trying to wait up to the point of marriage. I feel a bit pressured into marrying him in the future because I'm not really up for sleeping with more than one man. But... I can't move on from what happened. I can't help but feel that he's used my vulnerability to have s** with me. I can't believe that I had s** at such an early age. I feel like my options were taken from me. I think I wasn't ready for that. Yet. I don't know what to feel anymore.

But my boyfriend's not a bad person. He's very thoughtful, caring, loving and is willing to marry me. In fact, he's up for secretly marrying me when I turn 18 (I told him no and that we have to wait. Lols.). He's close to my family. He brings me to his, but I'm too shy to bond with them although they're very welcoming. I know that he can financially support me when the time comes. It's just the s** thing. I feel that it ruined this relationship for me in a way. I expect more from him now even if he's always so busy. I want him to always call me, always text me, always get my hints, always do what I want, always listen to me. When he doesn't, I feel like he doesn't care and that I have to beg for his attention. Yes, I could be clingy, but it's always a bit pent up. Never all out. Then I think of all the bad times and that s** experience and I'd get way depressed. I'd cry and feel so much guilt that I wouldn't know what to do. I can't tell him this because he's going to feel upset and it'd make me feel bad. I just don't know who to talk to. There's just so much frustration in me. I'm more unhappy than happy and sometimes I feel like I'm falling out of love with him and then think about leaving him.

I wish he'd have more time for me. I wish he'd change a little. I wish I understood him more. I wish he knew how to comfort me and not make me feel worse when I talk to him about "that" topic. I want to do something about this because I'm hoping we could be better. I wish I could stress about the more important things that would improve us rather than the same old problems that get me stuck in the past. I wish he'd understand me too. What do I do? How do I improve my situation?.