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    Angry_Mother's Avatar
    Angry_Mother Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Mar 30, 2017, 07:05 PM
    Son refuses to shave beard
    My 20 year old son just absolutely refuses to shave his beard, I've tried relentlessly nagging him, insulting him, and talking to him.
    Our relatives also do the same to no prevail
    I don't like how it looks and neither does his father, but he likes it and just refuses to shave it.
    What can I do?
    Nothing is working
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #2

    Mar 30, 2017, 07:34 PM
    Does he live with you? If so, evict him, or wait until some good looking female he has an interest in tell him she hates it. Sorry, just hard to tell a grown man what to do with his face hair.
    Angry_Mother's Avatar
    Angry_Mother Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #3

    Mar 30, 2017, 07:40 PM
    His father threatened to do so and he replied that he'd sleep at his friends house.
    Moving out doesn't work in my country, it's impossible to live on your own at 18 as in the west.

    I also have to mention he's asocial and doesn't really care about relationships with anyone
    ma0641's Avatar
    ma0641 Posts: 15,681, Reputation: 1012
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    #4

    Mar 30, 2017, 07:48 PM
    So, you'd break up your family over a beard YOU DON'T LIKE but your son does? Insulting him? Hmm.. exactly where do you live. I better not show you mine, you may not like it either. Is he supporting himself? Have a job?
    Angry_Mother's Avatar
    Angry_Mother Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Mar 30, 2017, 07:54 PM
    No job, he's graduating mechanical engineering this semester

    He's planning on a job when he graduates

    And we live in the middle east, no minimum wage laws, so a full day of work is $5
    Wondergirl's Avatar
    Wondergirl Posts: 37,873, Reputation: 5429
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    #6

    Mar 30, 2017, 07:56 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Angry_Mother View Post
    His father threatened to do so and he replied that he'd sleep at his friends house.
    Moving out doesn't work in my country, it's impossible to live on your own at 18 as in the west.

    I also have to mention he's asocial and doesn't really care about relationships with anyone
    You just don't like his beard, or there are cultural or religious reasons he shouldn't have one?

    If you just don't like it, team up with your husband and do reverse psychology on your son. Frequently mention to him how handsome he is now with a beard or how much quicker grooming is without shaving. Be excited and smiling and enthusiastic as you shower him with compliments. I'm betting he'll shave it off before long. Or more likely, YOU will start to see how handsome it makes him.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,790, Reputation: 2604
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    #7

    Mar 30, 2017, 07:57 PM
    He is 20. Is a beard the worst thing he can do?
    Choose your battles and stop insulting your son over a beard. You sound like a horrible person, way worse than a beard
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #8

    Mar 30, 2017, 07:59 PM
    As a child grows, certain aspects of his life can remain under the wishes of parents for the simple reason that they are supporting him. Room and board, school, clothes, computers, everything.
    BUT as he gets into his late teens and approaching his 20s, a good parent allows him to develop tastes and beliefs of his own. Opinions about life, thinking, goals, all that makes a person their own person - an adult.
    (As long as he remains under your roof, you decide the rules of the house. Those are distinct from personal development.)

    I think a beard is right on the edge of personal belief and rules of the house. If I had a son, I would let him have a beard. But you are his parent. You can certainly tell him that if he doesn't shave it off, he cannot live with you, and you won't pay for school.
    I think that would be a tragedy.
    I hope you allow him to be his own person.
    By the age of 20, what you want and what he wants will go nowhere with nagging. Just a lot of misery. It's either/or. He goes out on his own or you accept it.
    Angry_Mother's Avatar
    Angry_Mother Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #9

    Mar 30, 2017, 08:03 PM
    No religious reasons, we just don't like it.
    Culturally however, the rise of Isis has caused people with bears to be easily suspected but he claims he can easily prove innocence or remove any suspicions

    But we're his parents, shouldn't he obey what we say?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #10

    Mar 30, 2017, 08:09 PM
    I think I answered the question of obedience pretty well. Yes to rules of the house, no to personal growth, individual style and beliefs. Accept the beard or make him move out.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,790, Reputation: 2604
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    #11

    Mar 30, 2017, 08:11 PM
    He will not respect you guys enough to obey if you are constantly insulting him. Be his parents not tyrants.
    tickle's Avatar
    tickle Posts: 23,801, Reputation: 2674
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    #12

    Mar 31, 2017, 04:04 AM
    He is your son. Just love him and look past his idiosycrasies. If he is graduating and planning a future, then he has a lot going for him. He will eventually get tired of all that facial hair.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #13

    Mar 31, 2017, 06:42 AM
    Other than the facial hair issue, would you consider him a "good son"? Does he show respect and is he helpful in other areas?

    Does he take care of his beard? Does he keep it groomed? If he doesn't, would you be more accepting if he took better care of it?

    If he has a tendency to be asocial, then you aren't helping by being insulting, etc. You may be making matters worse and causing him to hide behind the beard. The beard may be his way putting a shield between himself and the world. Attacking his shield will only make him cling to it even more.

    How much of your anger is fear? Fear for what other people might think? Fear over what you think he might be involved in? Fear of your baby growing up?

    You can't control what others think. Beard or no beard, people who look for reasons to suspect someone of not "fitting in" or being "them" will latch on to anything as evidence.

    Are you concerned he could be involved in extreme beliefs/activities? Have you sat down and talked with him, listening to what he says? If you want him to listen to you, try listening to him.

    As a mother, I know it was a bit of a shock when my son started growing a beard. It was an outward sign that he wasn't the little baby I carried in my arms or the toddler I comforted after he fell down trying to fun faster than his legs could go. It was a sign that he was becoming a man. It was hard to accept he wasn't a child but that he would always be my son. He always will be my son unless I push him away by being too overbearing or unaccepting of his decisions. There is a point when as a mother you have to realize that you have to take a step back to give your child freedom to be themselves. The way they express themselves may not be what you would want but underneath outward appearances they are still a part of you.

    Love him. Accept that he is old enough to make his own decisions based on his own reasoning. Give guidance when asked for. Share your thoughts but do not make demands or ultimatums that will back-fire on you. Talk with him not at him. There is a big difference. Try to share your thoughts without causing him to shut down and push you away.

    Maybe try getting him a book on beard types and a grooming set.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #14

    Mar 31, 2017, 09:00 AM
    Sometimes you can no longer treat your "child" like a child, and have to step back, and let them make their own mistakes, and learn in their own way. They are still your child no matter what, so be there when they find out life is not as easy, and simple as they think it is.
    catonsville's Avatar
    catonsville Posts: 894, Reputation: 91
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    #15

    Mar 31, 2017, 09:29 AM
    It is time for you Parents to grow up and realize you have done a great job. Now let your son be your son, and there is no more need for you to tell him how to be a man.
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,303, Reputation: 7691
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    #16

    Mar 31, 2017, 05:32 PM
    Get over it, he is an adult and if he wants a beard he can have one. To be blunt it really is none of your business, it is just hair.
    Angry_Mother's Avatar
    Angry_Mother Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #17

    Apr 1, 2017, 03:17 AM
    Thank you everyone for your wonderful opinions, I am actually the son.
    I used this thread as a talking point in attempt to get to them, it was useless.
    I'm going to shave anyway, so I'll just move on.
    I'll just never be able to hold the same respect or love the way I used to.
    Cat1864 Had the longest reply that talked about nearly everything so I'll be responding to that comment instead of each individual comment.

    "Other than the facial hair issue, would you consider him a "good son"? Does he show respect and is he helpful in other areas?"
    Yes I show respect at all times, no matter who it is or where I go, people would tell you that they've never been treated the same before.
    I do help in practically everything around the house but not recently due to upcoming exams.
    And currently I'm top of my classes except one, in case you're wondering.

    "Does he take care of his beard? Does he keep it groomed? If he doesn't, would you be more accepting if he took better care of it? "
    I do take care of it when I have the time to do so, and no they wouldn't accept it, because they want it gone and they want what they want.

    "If he has a tendency to be asocial, then you aren't helping by being insulting, etc. You may be making matters worse and causing him to hide behind the beard. The beard may be his way putting a shield between himself and the world. Attacking his shield will only make him cling to it even more."
    That is actually a part of it, I applaud you for figuring that out :)

    "How much of your anger is fear? Fear for what other people might think? Fear over what you think he might be involved in? Fear of your baby growing up?"
    All of it is fear of what others think, they care too much of what people might think about them, and frankly I'm my own person, peoples opinions do not touch me whatsoever, I do what I believe is right even if I'm the only one walking down that road.

    "You can't control what others think. Beard or no beard, people who look for reasons to suspect someone of not "fitting in" or being "them" will latch on to anything as evidence."
    I've mentioned so several times to no prevail, people who want to talk will talk and there's absolutely nothing you can do about it, short beard long beard no beard, lifeless people will talk.

    "Are you concerned he could be involved in extreme beliefs/activities? Have you sat down and talked with him, listening to what he says? If you want him to listen to you, try listening to him."
    I assure you no concerns of me being an extremist exist in anyone's mind, they suspect I'm the opposite.
    And listening isn't exactly a strong suit because I'm their son and how could I possibly be right?

    "As a mother, I know it was a bit of a shock when my son started growing a beard. It was an outward sign that he wasn't the little baby I carried in my arms or the toddler I comforted after he fell down trying to fun faster than his legs could go. It was a sign that he was becoming a man. It was hard to accept he wasn't a child but that he would always be my son. He always will be my son unless I push him away by being too overbearing or unaccepting of his decisions. There is a point when as a mother you have to realize that you have to take a step back to give your child freedom to be themselves. The way they express themselves may not be what you would want but underneath outward appearances they are still a part of you.

    Love him. Accept that he is old enough to make his own decisions based on his own reasoning. Give guidance when asked for. Share your thoughts but do not make demands or ultimatums that will back-fire on you. Talk with him not at him. There is a big difference. Try to share your thoughts without causing him to shut down and push you away."
    They've raised me very well, they do not trust that they have.
    They do not trust that I'm capable of good decisions, henceforth replacing mine with their own.
    As for being pushed away, that's happened a long time ago.

    I would like to thank you all once more.
    Angry_Mother's Avatar
    Angry_Mother Posts: 6, Reputation: 1
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    #18

    Apr 1, 2017, 03:33 AM
    And I apologize for wasting your time and my own.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #19

    Apr 1, 2017, 04:15 AM
    For myself, you didn't waste my time. It can be frustrating to have someone change their story and it does cause some doubts over what is true and what isn't, but I understand your reasons. I am sorry it didn't work out.

    Hopefully, the future will show that you didn't waste your own time. There is a chance that maybe you planted a seed. It takes time or seeds to grow. Someday, when you are out on your own and have your life and family, they will be more accepting of you having a beard.

    Good luck in the future.

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