[roslin]

He wants everything only when he wish to have it. Why can't my wish be considered?? We are married now and this was not like this before!!

[talaniman]

Maybe he has gotten better at demanding, and have gotten better at giving in, and not demanding.

Whatever the case, you can change things by being more about getting your wishes.

[JudyKayTee]

Talk to him - you married him, you presumably share a bed and a life and everything that goes along with marriage.

Talk to him! Maybe he's more demanding. Maybe you're less cooperative. Maybe it's a little of each. The only way to know and tell him how you feel is to actually talk to him.

[Cat1864]

How long have you been married and what is he ignoring your wishes about? Is it on 'everything' or certain subjects? Have you tried communicating and compromising with him?

Are there cultural or religious reasons for his behavior to have 'changed'? Has it really changed or did you ignore warning signs telling you how he viewed married life?

Did you discuss your expectations of what married life would be like before you got married?

[roslin]

Its been 8 months we are married.he is not taking interest in what I need or what makes me feel comfortable.. he was very caring before marriage.. but since the wedding day everything is gone wrong... I have spoken to him several times about this but he says there is nothing intentional.there is no space for cultural or religious reasons to such a change.. before marriage I did not discuss anything as such because I never felt its required.. coz ours was a love marriage and we were very comfortable with each other... but now a day I get disturbed because he takes me out only when he wants,he takes me out for a movie or for dinner only when he wants.. when I ask him he comes up with some reason... this also applies to our physical relation... it only when he wants... I feel very lonely.. I don't know whom to speak about all this... we have discussed this several times but no changes as on today...

[roslin]

Its been 8 months we are married.he is not taking interest in what I need or what makes me feel comfortable.. he was very caring before marriage.. but since the wedding day everything is gone wrong... I have spoken to him several times about this but he says there is nothing intentional.there is no space for cultural or religious reasons to such a change.. before marriage I did not discuss anything as such because I never felt its required.. coz ours was a love marriage and we were very comfortable with each other... but now a days I get disturbed because he takes me out only when he wants,he takes me out for a movie or for dinner only when he wants.. when I ask him he comes up with some reason... this also applies to our physical relation... it only when he wants... I feel very lonely.. I don't know whom to speak about all this... we have discussed this several times but no changes as on today...

[Cat1864]

What has changed for you since you married him? Do you work outside the home? Do you spend time with your friends and family? Do you have any hobbies or interests that help keep you occupied and entertained without relying on him for all of your entertainment and social needs?

Love marriages take a lot of communication and compromise along with a healthy dose of understanding and patience. Unfortunately, many couples who marry for love, do not think about the changes marriage and living together will bring. They also tend to fall into the trap of thinking that their spouse should be their only social outlet.

Something we tend to do without conscious thought is mimic our parent's (or other adults who were around when we were growing up) relationship. How do his parents interact with each other? Does his father make most of the choices in their marriage? Look at the version of marriage that your parents modeled for you. Do you find yourself reacting the way you saw your mother act?

Look at the timing for when you ask to go out or attempt to initiate sex. Is he tired, stressed out, distracted, etc. Have you tried planning an outing of your choosing a few days in advance or he chooses the time but you choose the place or the movie?

As for sex, if he is tired and stressed out or feels pressured, he probably doesn't want sex. I am sure you probably feel like that at times, too. Learning to know when our partners are open to intimacy takes time with trial and error. Be observant as to when he normally wants sex and you will pick up on when the best times to try are.

Communicate with him and together find out what works for both of you. Don't expect big changes to happen immediately. Look for the small ones and encourage them to grow. Discuss the positive parts of your marriage with him. If all he hears and all you concentrate on are the negatives, then the marriage will fall apart before it even has a chance to grow.

[roslin]

We both are working.I work 6 days a week 0900 hrs to 1900 hrs and he works 5 days a week but in different shifts.. I feel this is one of reason I miss him more unlike before marriage.His timings vary week wise,like 0700 hrs to 1500 hrs next week 1400 hrs to 2300 hrs and next 2200 hrs to 0900 hrs.. its rotational for him every week.. We have no one here no friends no family and stay in nother city.We are in nother city just for our job.I am not occupied in any activities other than my job.I am completely rely on him for our social activities.Because this is a new city for us altogether.At office all are so professional,therefore there has been no friend there too.
Yes sometimes not always but I do try to follow my mother,like the way she managed all our finances,our food cycle and religious occasions and so on.But as far as her behavior is she is very calm and thoughtful but I am very impatient.After getting married I have realized many mistakes but I have changed them never necessary.

Yes when it comes to sex,he is comparatively much tired than before marriage life.He says because the work pressure is more now.He does not find time for anything while working.
We have spoken to each other several times to make this relation better than today.
But today I feel so left out because all my trials are not working.I have become so negative about sex now because every time I asked him he ignored.
Both of us had a discussion 4 days back again and now the situation is he is trying to make things better and now I am failing to react.I feel its all going to end again.I am scared to give it another chance in a worry to get hurt again.I am stopping myself now because I don't want to feel ignored again.I feel he'll do it for my sake of happiness and then again he'll be back to his busy schedules.
Tell me how should I bring both of us back to life in this relation.



MERGED/T

[Cat1864]

roslin, a quick tip for responding: You can use the Answer box at the bottom of the thread to respond. It gives you a lot more room to write and say what you need to than the Comment/Reply box does.

Unfortunately, rotating shifts are very hard to adapt to but it can get better. It takes time. It also means that the partner who has a more stable schedule has to be understanding and patient. Is there any chance he will be able to get a set shift?

If work doesn't offer any chances at making friends, what about home? Have you met any of your neighbors? They can be a great source of information on places to shop, restaurants, sights to see, etc.

You mention that your mother was primarily responsible for the religious occasions. Have you thought about following that tradition? Would that be an outlet for you?

Do you have any hobbies or interests which would be helpful in meeting people and making friends? Many hobbies such as reading, cooking, knitting, gardening, photography, etc. have clubs you could think about joining.

Exploring your new environment can be a way to have fun, relax, and become more comfortable with where you live.

This may sound a bit backward to you, but let all the pressure to have sex go. Learn how to relax together without the main focus being on having intercourse. Enjoy holding each other, touching and sharing quite time. Laugh together. Play games. Watch television. Listen to music. Dance. Flirt and tease. Through words and touch build a fantasy world together. See where that leads.

Everything in your life seems to be very new. It is going to take some adjusting and learning about each other but where you live. If you keep communicating and working together, everything can get better. Allowing frustration, fear, stress, anxiety, etc. to control your thinking will make things worse and harder to work through.

Try to concentrate on the positive thoughts and things that happen. Build on them.

[talaniman]

Cats correct, you need a happy social life without him and your own girlfriends to shop till you drop, and gossip with. I did the shift work for many years and it was hell on the family routine. Imagine being up when others are sleep, and sleep when others are awake. Hard to rest that way.Week ends are the worst, as you have to relax in a stupor for at least one off day, and get ready for the next shift on the second off day. It makes you restless, irritable, and discontented, as well as resentful, and a grouch.

Learn to relax, entertain yourself, make friends, and have hobbies and activities. Takes time and work is all, to adjust, and find your comfort zone. It doesn't happen over night for sure, so think in years, not days.

Make no mistake though, he has to make a lot of adjustments himself, and he will need your help through it all. Making this all about good sex is a mistake, as you must connect in other areas of the relationship also. While the physical is important for a healthy relationship, the mental, spiritual, emotional connections have to be built, nurtured, and attended to even more so. That takes a lifetime of working together, through some good honest communication, and some very calm listening, to ensure understanding.

It's a lot to deal with, and balance.