[rayneedshelp]

I'll be sixteen in 6 days and 13 minutes.
And I'm just drreading the day
I don't want to be 16 I don't want to I don't want to, someone make it stop!! I'm going crazy I hate myself so much. I think about it and it's the only words revolving around in my head. Feeling good is so far out of the question, I don't know how to feel that anymore.
I'd cut myself, but I don't know what to use. A kitchen knife? I burn myself every now and then. I burned and "f" on my arm. I was going to cut an A and T after it, but again, I had the whole knife-finding problem.
I can't deal with anything. I want to cry but I can't, the hhurt is hollow and just takes over me.
I don't know who to turn to. I have my best friends but I don't know how to tell them. I mean I have a few times, but I always feel weird and insecure and think like - ? It can't be that bad! They must think I'm crazy! Etc - and plus, when I'm with them I feel better than when I'm not.
I go on with the day to day, school, I do most my homework, go to work, but its hard. I have to push myself to get out of bed and barely bother to get dressed in anything nice. Maybe ill put on jeans and a hoodie, something big that shows no shape. I throw my hair up in a messy bun and I'm out the door. I see no use in trying. I can't even. Oh god, I'm so ugly. I switch schools a lot. My family is going bankrupt soon, so I just switched into a public school for the first time.
I'm usually very social, I was the kid who knew everyone and was friends with everyone. But now the way I feel gets in the way and I don't know how to talk to people or what to say. I have a few friends, but in all honesty I see no-one who makes me feel OK. I have no one I can walk up to and ask for a hug when I have a bad day. And I try to advance friendships, set up times to hang out outside of school, it just doesn't work.
Plus, most the time when I'm with someone I just wish I was on my own so I can go to sleep. I don't want to be with anyone. I crave for social attention, but after people start to talk to me I feel sad and insecure and I tell them I have to go, because I can''t talk. I don't want to go anywhere, I just want to go to sleep. I'm a smart kid, I am, I'm not just tooting my own horn I really am. So why is this happening to me?
I never see my friends, and when I do its all about catching up and " OMG I MISS UYOU!!! HOW ARE YOU!!! YOULL NEVER BELIEVE....blah blah blah" they don't want to hear all my .
All I want to do is sleep or watch TV. And even sometimes the TV makes me feel inadequate. A stupid object makes me feel stupid. But I just want to sleep and sleep and I want to feel better I really do I just can't. Of course this sadness comes and goes in bouts but I'm never actually happy. Right nows one of the worst I feel, but it comes in waves, I don't know when where or why it'll happen.
The truth is that there is no reason for anyone to like me. I'm fat. Not to the point where I wear plus sizes yet, but that doesn't make me any less ugly. I'm so ugly cuza my fat... ewww. Oh god I HATE ME!! And I can't say that to anyone because they won't understand. I hope to die, and then realize I don't want to die, I just want to be someone else. Wake up one day and be rid of me. The disgusting horrible thing that is me.
And I always feel guilty. Is that weird? I mean, I know I'm an idiot, but did I do something wrong? no. but I overanalyze every single little thing in my life. But still its all my fault.
I'm not sure all of what though.
And I just hate me. And want to be someone else or get RID of these horrible feelings. I can't be me anymore, I can't live in my house, I can't see these people or hear these things or eat these foods I need to be someone else. Someone happy and skinny and very friendly, and maybe if not a little bit talented, then at least fun. And not necessarily popular, but have true friends that they see a lot and do things with. And a boy.
I'd kill for a boy you know? But I don't know how to deal with girls, guys are even harder.
Kill me.
I'm already dead, but stuck here.
Finish me off please.
Or help.
Por favor

[Clough]

Hi, rayneedshelp!

So, what sort of good things are happening in your life, please? I'm sure that you could list a few if you really try!

I notice that you're really quite good at writing! Is that something that you like to do? Have you ever written a story, poetry or the lyrics to a song?

Thanks!

[ohsohappy]

Being your age is tough, trust me I've been there.

I think you should do what Clough suggests and think of some good things that are happening in your life. Write, anything. If you're scared of being judged, but want to let your feeligns out, write. It honestly helps more than you can imagine. Nobody else has to know what you're writing, you just have to get your feeligns out.

Maybe have a sleepover with your friends and do make-overs to help with yourself esteem, and they can be really fun, so you can socialize.

You seem to be overwhelmed with emotions. Take a step back. Breathe, and Write.
Write as furiously and continuously as you need to. Fill pages upon pages until they become books. Everything that you put on those pages will be something you have complete and total control over.

Also, Find soemone to talk to once you feel more at ease. Try to stop changing schools so that you have more stability, and so it's easier to make friends.

You have to WANT to be happy sometimes in order to be happy.

Say what you need to say and we'll listen, good luck.