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LizzyAn · Jun 21, 2006, 06:34 PM

We each had one of the children after our divorce and then my youngest decided she wanted to live with her dad and my other daughter. I disagreed and she moved anyway. Now I am faced with proving why I should have the custody back the way it was. My oldest is calling my late at night and calling me at work demanding to know why I won't leave them alone. Their father has discussed me in a negative light and left modification requests out where the can read them. I feel like I am having to fight them all and they all hate me. I want to give up. Help!

CaptainForest · Jun 21, 2006, 07:03 PM

Quite the pickle you are in.

Divorce and custody battles tend to get nasty…

How old is the daughter that left you?

Not much to say other than tell your kids your side of the sorry, and keep fighting if you want.

magprob · Jun 21, 2006, 07:27 PM

Dad has probably been "whispering in their ears." If you truly were a good mom, it will not take them long to remember. Get your own things in order, do the things you didn't have time too, and before you know it, your kids will be coming back to their Momma like nothing ever happened. Above all... just relax, don't push, and love them.

The worst thing we can do is play our children against our ex-spouse. That is something you will regret for a long time, and, your children will never forget it . They really know what is going on... right and wrong.

valinors_sorrow · Jun 21, 2006, 08:37 PM

I offer you a different point of view than you are likely to get. It is born out of watching the saddest thing I have ever witnessed.

Seek legal help as soon as possible. US courts are much more savvy about how this happens. Parents who interfere with the children's relationship with the other parent are often considered in violation of the divorce decree. Your papers may even have a paragraph that addresses this very topic.

Sadly, my husband waited too long and far too much damage was done to appropriately stage an acceptable legal fight by the time he was up to speed on it. He lost the kids. If he had to do it all over again, he would have sued his ex-wife immediately over her systematic and blatant damaging his relationship with the children, as ugly as that is. She counted on it being too ugly and she won that way. It was the only thing worth fighting for, he now sees. How sad.

I hope that helps.

Added in later once I realised this information could be misconstrued: I am not advocating fighting over the kids in any manner, but rather taking appropriate action to stop one parent from actively ruining relations, IF that is indeed happening. No kids should be subjected to an active campaign of that sort, at any age, as it has documented profound damaging effects. Its not something that goes away and its a tangible contributor to the "dead beat" spouses phenomena in the US. Courts make provisions for this now. That is all I meant here.

LizzyAn · Jun 21, 2006, 09:51 PM

Thank you, they are 15 and 16 1/2 yrs old. Your right I'll call an attorney tomorrow. I've told them my side but am tired of having to defend myself.

talaniman · Jun 21, 2006, 11:35 PM

STOP! Your kids are old enough to have seen more than you give them credit for. You have no real reason to defend yourself and your time and focus should be on YOU! Let DAD be DAD and take the opportunity to lavish yourself with the things you had to sacrifice to raise your kids. Have faith that you have done a good enough job in instilling them with THE RIGHT STUFF that they can make up their own minds and make good decisions. Let their FATHER handle things and stop worrying now is the time for YOU! SAVE that lawyer money for... you?? OR send it to me :cool: :D

MAGPROBE

The worst thing we can do is play our children against our ex-spouse. That is something you will regret for a long time, and, your children will never forget it . They really know what is going on... right and wrong

I agree 100%

Cassie · Jun 22, 2006, 03:05 AM

Your EX is probably telling them things about you, one of them being you do not care about them. When they ask why you won't leave them alone, tell them you love them, miss them and need them in your life. Do all you can, make sure they know what you are doing so your EX cannot twist it around. If they stay with him you have a clear conscious knowing you have done all you can and they cannot come back on you later with guilt. They will come around later, but they must feel and know you fought for them.
Divorce is hard on children. When a parent uses them as tools for revenge it does so much damage. If one has to use children to fight a battle, they are a very weak vengeful person.

phillysteakandcheese · Jun 22, 2006, 08:06 AM

I agree with Talaniman and Magprob on this one.

I know it seems cold, but at those ages your kids need to make their own decisions about who they want to live with. Let them go. They'll return soon enough.

fredg · Jun 22, 2006, 08:42 AM

Hi, Lizzy,
Calling your Lawyer to try getting custody of your teens, at that age, will definitely "back-fire" on you, if they don't want to live with you!
At that age, the judge will allow them to live with whomever they wish.
Divorce can be a very nasty thing; as you are going through.
After my first marriage ended in Divorce after 7 yrs, I remarried 3 yrs later, to a woman who was also divorced. It's now been 29 yrs of marriage.
My wife's daughter was 5 at the time. Her Dad put my wife through a lot, legally, but never won anything. As a result, he bad-mouthed my wife to his daughter (my step-daughter) so much, that now, my step-daughter thinks much more of me than her real Dad.
She is 36 yrs old now, married, and we have a 9 yrs old grandson. She only visits her real Dad about once a year, and at that, doesn't even want to see him anymore. He did it all himself, with the way he acted years ago.
PLEASE don't fall into this "Divorce Trap" of arguing, trying to have things your own way.
One answer you had was very, very good. Love your children, be there when they need you; but DON'T bad-mouth their father, and don't get into lawyers fights with him.
Your children will soon figure out all this for themselves. A Mother is their first concern, normally, and they will eventually want to come back to you.
Stop the fighting; you will only kill any hopes of your children ever wanting to be with you, at all.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.

LizzyAn · Jun 25, 2006, 04:05 PM

True that I need to take care of my own needs. I concluded over the last couple of days that the situation can only ruin my life if I let it. I will not be a rug for them but I will be their mom as long as they allow me to and then I will go on with my life to enjoy it.

talaniman · Jun 25, 2006, 04:34 PM

LizzyAn

Problem is I owe 1/2 of my income to c.s.

Not sure I understand.

jms1226 · Aug 4, 2006, 11:25 PM

Not to ignore the obvious, but maybe they're just happy with their dad. Maybe he's not doing anything to 'poison' them against you. They might well resent you for divorcing him, they do love him. They probably don't hate you, but they may well resent you for having chosen what you've chosen. That's a risk that everyone takes.

JoeCanada76 · Aug 5, 2006, 02:17 AM

I agree with others. Leave the kids alone. They obvously want to live with their dad and they must be happy with their dad. You did say that YOU are the one that divorces their father. For whatever the reason, fighting over custody at this age would back fire and your children will be even angrier with you. They already made the decision to live with their father. So now, what you need to do is be open to a relationship with your children at anytime. No matter how angry they may be you need to always show them and tell them that you love them. Eventually they will come around. It all depends on how you deal with the situation. I do not necessarily believe that your husband is saying bad things to them about you, although it does happen and could happen. What bad things do you think he will say, or is their any truth to what might be said? Are you worried about this?

Good luck with everything and I am sure everything will work out for everybody, just make sure you are always opened with your children.

Joe

valinors_sorrow · Aug 5, 2006, 04:51 AM

Originally Posted by lizzyan

Problem is I owe 1/2 of my income to c.s.

Originally Posted by talaniman

LizzyAn
Not sure I understand.

I think she means half her income goes to child support.

Fr_Chuck · Aug 5, 2006, 06:28 AM

In the US system of justice, at the ages the children are, the judge will take what they want ( yes they get to tell the judge and often in closed chambers) where they want to leave and about 90 percent of the time, unless one parent is dangerous that is where they get to live.

Now also it can be because he is not as strict, if he has more of the money and so on. You trying to force them to live with you if they do not want to will only push them away more and more. They are also old enough to be included in all of the court proceedings, and should be told about any motion and case that invovles them, leaving court papers out, is no sin, actually they should be given copies and allowed to discuss them with both of you.

Settle the divorce if it is not settled, settle the property settlement and move on. Get the teens to visit you and spend time with you, and go on.

It may not be till they are 30 that they will come to understand more what happened.

When my wife left us, my kids ( one of them hers that I adopted) all stayed with me and did not have a lot to do with her for several years.
But even after that they slowly got back with her and have a good relationship with her now. The more bridges you burn with them now, the harder it will be to get with them latter.

Even if you win a court case and drag them back to you kicking and screaming, have you really won anything ? They will just run off and go back, then you have a choice of calling the police on them or not.

talaniman · Aug 5, 2006, 07:47 PM

Originally Posted by lizzyan
Problem is I owe 1/2 of my income to c.s.

Other than getting a reduction or another job, the responsibility is yours and I suspect this is the heart of the matter.

s_cianci · Aug 6, 2006, 08:33 PM

This is a very natural reaction. Divorce and the accompanying breakup of the family is very confusing and frightening to a child. In your favor, it's generally very hard to get a custody order modified unless there are very compelling reasons for doing so. There's really not enough information in your post to guess whether your ex has a shot at getting the custody order modified on behalf of your youngest daughter. Talk to your attorney who handled your original divorce or, if more practical, hire a new one.

LizzyAn · Sep 4, 2006, 06:43 AM

You all have some good points, however, since I am not a drug addict or partier or an alcoholic and I take good care of my children and am at home in the evenings to actually raise them they should not be taken from me. Yes it is documented that he is turning them against me, they wrote letters against me to the court while at his house and have told me what he said about me which is not true. We now have a family investigator assigned and I am glad.

valinors_sorrow · Sep 4, 2006, 10:19 AM

One spouse turning children against another spouse is becoming a hot topic in the courts. And those who do it are starting to experience some serious consequences for it, at least where I live. It is understood by many professional now how incredibly damaging it is to children. It is not the same as fighting over the kids. It is the systematic disparaging of a spouse at all costs with the sole aim of eliminating that spouse from the kids' lives. I have seen it be bitter to the point of uncontrollable rage and physical violence while the kids are threatened and just fragmented beyond belief in the process. It is hard to imagine a parent willing to do this until you see it firsthand. If this is what it is, I encourage you to use every honest and legal method available to you to stop it. It is that bad.