[jupiter08]

My relationship ended 2months ago...

My story...

I was in a 2 yr relationship. I met him at work - I'm doing medical research and he's an assistant professor in medicine and also in research. When we met, he had a live-in girlfriend. He mentioned how things were going downhill long before we met and wanted to break up with her. I told him not to rush into things and was also doubtful because of our differences. He was persistent. A few weeks later he broke it off with her and we started dating. It was intense: he even talked about marriage and children and how they would look like - he said he's open to the religion and was hopeful for us. During the initial courtship, he even cried when I express some doubt. It went on for a couple of months - everything was perfect - he was perfect. Than one day, out of the blue, he tells me he's going back to his (supposedly)ex girlfriend. He said they have a history together and said he feels that's the right thing to do. I was devastated... He said he still wanted me to be a part of his life. Time went on, we were still in each others lives - via email and sometimes he would come see me and things would get physical. I told him what we're doing is not right, but he said that he doesn't want to loose me. He kept saying he doesn't want to hurt me or her.

Earlier this year (March 08), he finally ended his relationship with his girlfriend (again). The reason he gave: she wanted marriage (they were together for 3yrs), but he couldn't see her as the mother of his child, even though they were "very compatible". He said they're good friends (obviously so, since she didn't know about his involvement.. ) He said he wanted to be alone and figure things out. We continued to email and he would still come see me whenever HE wanted to. When I wanted to see him, he started making excuses. I would try to arrange fun things to do over the weekends, he would initially say he's up for it, than cancel at the last minute. He has the house and bought new furniture which I've never seen because he's never invited me over. We've never done anything in public after he broke it off the first time with me. When asked why, he said its too early (he's coming out of a break-up) and this would ruin his image by his peers (his ex also works in the same hospital).

A month ago (Aug), he started becoming very distant. I asked him if there was someone else, he said there is someone who's interested in him, but the only problem is that she's "young" - 28 (he's 42 and I'm in my mid 30's). He went on saying how she was his former medical student that he taught earlier. And that she allowed him to open up about his break-up with his ex-gf and also about me (which surprised me), how she's a wonderful person and he can see himself with her. I couldn't believe what I was hearing... The details he shared was unnecessary. He said that he's confused. He said he can see both of us in his life and (when asked) said that he still loves me and enumerated the reasons. He said that he doesn't want to end up alone. Throughout this he kept expressing strong physical desire with me. He would initiate late night chats - and he would elaborate on his fantasies with me and would want to come over right away. I let him into my place on a few occasions (let me stress: we have never gone all the way, although he wanted too several times) - but what stumped me was that his chat was on the same context even "after" he told me about the 28 y/o. He said these were all the reason why he's confused. Which further confused me..

A few weeks later (upon my return from my parents place), I asked him to come by my place and talk instead of emailing all the time (we sent each other daily emails), he started to beat around the bush - said he didn't mind seeing me, but as "friends and nothing more". Said he had no desire to hurt me. I asked to be direct with me - I asked him (point blank) if he was seeing someone else. His response: "I have been seeing someone and am making it work"... And he signed off. Its been 4 weeks since.

Some background information: He has cheated before on his ex-wife (towards the end of his marriage). Which he admitted when we first met. I'm also divorced - was in an abusive marriage close to 3yrs. He knew my story from the beginning. I don't get it, he's a highly educated person that comes from a good family. He had gone to therapy once after his divorce (the woman he left his ex-wife for eventually dumped him - they were living together for 2 yrs). It was after that he met his ex-gf. After their recent breakup (which he adds was mutual) he went to therapy again. I didn't find out about their break up or his recent therapy until April 08 (a month after they officially broke-up) - but he apparently confessed everything to the 28 y/o (whom he's now seeing) at the time it happened. His quote, "she allowed me to open up"... What hurts is that he knew I was still there for him, but yet went to someone else.

Another point that confuses me: Two weeks before he sent me his final email, he asked me (via IM) about love and true love - my thoughts and views on it. I thought it was something positive from his side.. So I elaborated from my heart about what I thought - I told him there is a difference between romantic love and true love. That true love comes from helping each other during crisis and not leaving when times get tough... that true love never ends.. He knew I was referring about my feelings about him - if we were together in the long run. Why did he ask me that question? Only to send me an email 2 weeks later saying that he's been seeing someone and is making it work..

It was a double slap in the face.. I was numb. And now the numbness has turned into sadness.. I was truly in love with this person. Why did he say he loved me.. even till the end? Now I'm paying the price for waiting and wasting 2 yrs of my life, and for believing in him. How quickly he is able to find love again and he's having a good time.. I don't understand why he said the things he said and did the complete opposite? He's professor and a doctor - he has so many students and patients looking up to him, he's gone through therapy, yet he continued to take advantage of someone who only loved him for himself.

Its been 2 months now - thoughts of him and our times sometimes emerge in my mind (trying not to think). I need closure.. I'm thinking of sending an email as closure. He won't care either way.. why would he now. He and I both reside in the hurricane affected area - he has not contacted me to see if I'm okay, but that doesn't mean I should be heartless like he's being now.

Please help shed some light...

Sorry for the long post.

[simoneaugie]

No matter what his lifestyle, family background or intelligence, he was/is treating you like dog poop.

It's wonderful to hear you say that you want closure and to be kind to him. You both love him and are a loving person. You wasted two years of your life, but look at the lesson there.

You deserve someone who is not so confused, in spite of therapy. You deserve someone who will love you back without games and lies of omission.

Be grateful that he came into your life and you learned what you did. Find someone better. If your paths cross in the future, see him as he is not how you would like him to be.

[Fr_Chuck]

Well it means you were the new toy when he was at the one place in his life, and now he has found a new younger toy. Most likely he was never really that caring but seemed to be.

[BrewCrew0981]

While sending an email to get closure might seem like a good idea to you now, it is really a horrible idea. I know it's hard. I want to call/text/email my ex and ask her questions ALL the time. But you have to think to yourself, "what's the point?" There isn't one. Just let it be, as hard as it is, and try and move on with life. Nothing but time heals.

[talaniman]

My dear, you had a birdseye view of how he treats his females, and tried it any way, and you got dumped just like she did, so what did you expect?

Don't be so blind by your own feelings, that you can't see his pattern of behavior. That's like expecting a snake won't bite you. You should have learned much from this experience, and should know better next time.

[h0llister]

I think you should move on. This guy has put you through so much pain and he has cheated a lot. I think you can find someone better that will love you and not hurt you. All trust has been lost , I'm so sorry this has happened to you but you did nothing wrong he has a lot of problems and its unfair for you to have to get hurt. There are lots of men out there that will treat you so much better. If I were you, I would be afriad of getting back together because of how much pain could wait ahead.

[hjpan]

He's a cheater.... *sigh* those type of males need to be extinguished cause it's not fair for females to be cheated on. It's vice versa as well!

Anyways, CUT ALL TIES! Delete his emails, throw away his gifts etc.

Good thing you didn't let him stick his useless manhood into you cause it sounded like he just wanted to get between your legs.