[hate_and_love]

I used to cut myself and I don't regret because now that I look back it made me realize how dumb it really is. I mean yea I had family problems when I was in 6th grade and also medical illness too. I did it because it realived some of the pain from the whole family thing and my illness too. As the year started to past and everything start to cool down. I realized that no matter how many times I cut myselves it wouldn't do anything for me and it wouldn't cure me from my illness it wouldn't cure my sister running away from home whenver she felt like it,it wouldn't cure my mom getting sick all over again, it wouldn't cure my brother from getting into trouble with my parents and running away. And it wouldn't cure my dad from losing his job. When I was trying to stop in 6th grade I got a schock from the hospital because they kept telling me that my hand would swell up because I got on too much on the computer but then a doctor realized I had an infection( that if it would continue it would have serious damged BOTH my arms not only my hand ) and that made me feel like I was worthless that even the doctors ( I went to the doctors 6 times for my hand and they all said the same thing.) didn't want to take care of me. That the doctors had better thing to do then to help me get better. That was was more worthless then an ant. Now that I look back I see how horrible a job they did. All they did was look at my hand and say something. They never did any blood checks or anything (other then the last one ) That made me feel horrible that I started to cut myself again. My school didn't make anthing better because everyone (I mean everyone ) cuts themselves. Then one day I was looking at my mom ( she was still sick and was getting better. ) and remembered the same thing had happened to her. Hers was more serious then mine though ,the doctors kept saying she was fine until a doctor found out she had cancer. I realzied that it was pointless to cut yourself or something that foolish and promised myself to try my best and not cut myself anymore.
I still do it sometimes though and I get annoyed that I haven't stopped though but I don't do it as much as before though . I'm trying to stop all the way but right now that seems very hard. I haven't cut myself for 2 weeks and Im proud of myself but now that school is starting to get hard I think I might start all over again. I'm a try my hardest to resist the urge to but I don't know if I can. I just want to know if Im making progress and if there anything I can do to help me from staying away from hurting myself permanetly.

[starbuck8]

First, I'm so sorry that you've had all of these problems in your young life, and I'm very sorry to hear your Mom has cancer. Have you been able to get along with your sister a little better at least?

Look at this as a step forward! Everyday that you don't cut is another step, and something to be proud of. I know you like writing poems and other things. Sit down and write a "positive" poem about you. I know there must be lots of great things about you. You love your parents, you love your sister and your family, even though they might tick you off sometimes, you still want the best for them. That is a very good quality that you have. So as hard as it might seem to you to find positive things to write, there are probably a million that you are just not paying attention to.

You may think this sounds really stupid, but give it a try. I thought it sounded ridiculous and just plain stupid when I heard this too, but what have you got to lose, right? Get a large piece of paper, and some bright markers. Write things like, for instance, "I'm a great friend", "I'm pretty", "I'm great at sports"... all of the things that you are, even if you don't believe it. Tape it to your bedroom mirror, and every morning before you leave for school, and every night before you go to bed, read them outloud. (quietly, if you are afraid you sister or someone will hear, or even just in your head) Do it EVERYDAY, for at least a month! (hopefully longer) I totally know how weird that sounds, but just give it a try.

Also, I'm sure you already know this, but think about the permanent scars you will have when you get older, and want to wear that pretty dress, or that sleeveless top that looks so great on everyone else, and you feel too self conscious because of your scars to wear the cute things.

I think you should also talk to your school counsellor about this. This is not anything that will be new to them, and they can help you with some of the things you're dealing with. You don't have to tell anyone that you are seeing them.

Do you have any hobbies? I don't know what you like to do, but do you like animals? Specifically dogs? If you have a local animal rescue shelter, you might volunteer a few times a week, to play with the dogs that are lonely and unwanted. Everyone needs someone to love them right? Any shelter would welcome a volunteer to walk or play with the animals, and they give you unconditional love. Take pictures of the animals, and paste the somewhere in your room too.

So every time you feel like cutting, read your poem, the paper on your mirror, or look at the cute little puppy, and just tell yourself you aren't going to do that today.

I don't know if that helped you any, but I hope there is something in there that may have.

Please keep your mind busy on other activities, whatever they are that you're interested in, and just tell yourself over and over, that you will NOT cut!

Good luck. :)