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yoyokerk · Feb 21, 2006, 09:02 AM

I feel hopeless, my kids have virtually pushed my partner out of their lives and mine. Now I have to sneak around to see her. What should I do? Should I stop seeing this person that I love, just because my teenagers have told me so?
I am very confused...
yoyokerk:( :( :(

100Years2Live · Feb 22, 2006, 07:50 AM

Your going to hate this but absolutely! Your teenagers (I'm assuming their your offspring) must have complete say-so. They where there first, they get seniority. Just because you think you love this girl doesn't mean you honestly do. Your teenagers are there for you and always will be. They may be rebellious at time but they do love you. And they, even though inexperienced have a acute ability of knowing things you don't. Why don't they like her? Have you even asked them? I believe you should. Im sorry if I am making myself sound irrational. But I faced this problem as a child and I hated my Step-Dad. It led to an all out war in my family, and ended in My Mother having a second divorce. Please Talk to your Teens. They are really good at ruining your life if you do so to them.:)

Chery · Feb 22, 2006, 12:22 PM

The advice you received so far is very rational and you really should sit down with your teens and talk with them.
Some of the questions you could ask are:
What type of person would they be content with as an appropriate partner for you?
What qualities would they expect from a new partner?
Are they ready to have a new person in their lives, or are they totally against you seeing anyone - then that would be a little selfish, but you could use their help.
Be open with your children and tell them that you have needs also, and they will understand this when they get to the stage in their lives when they are interested in the opposite sex.
If you are strict, then you should expect strictness from them now too, so maybe you can come up with a compromise together as far as dating goes.
I hope that you will be able to communicate and work this out to everyone's satisfaction. Tell your kids they are very important in your life and that nobody will ever replace them or their Mom, but life must go on and it's no fun being lonely and you'll need their help.

Good Luck, and please keep us posted.

If you are really serious about the woman, you should also have a talk with her and eventually get them all together to air out their differences - maybe you'll get lucky and find them all communicative because keeping her a secret will not work for long - only create stress.

DrJ · Feb 22, 2006, 12:45 PM

Yes, be open with your children and talk to them. But I have to disagree. Just because they don't like your partner doesn't mean that you don't love her. That is ridiculous. Where is their mother? Like MOST kids, when a single parent finds a partner, the children get a feeling that this person is supposed to "replace" the other parent. That is where the problem is. You need to explain this to them because as long as they feel this way, they will NEVER approve of ANYONE!! I mean, who can replace MOM?? There isn't ANYONE on this Earth that could ever do that.

You need to be honest with them. Expain to them your stand point, your intentions, and the fact that your new partner isn't here to replace their mother. They ARE teenagers. Im sure they are a bit confused... Im sure they think ALL KINDS of other things are okay that you KNOW to be otherwise... why is this any different?

Sure it sucks that they didn't take to her right away but hopefully over time, they will see the side of her that YOU see... they need to realize that this person makes THEIR DAD HAPPY. Once they mature enough to realize that, they will accept her

yoyokerk · Feb 23, 2006, 12:03 AM

Thank you all so much for your replies. I have taken some advice from some of you and talked more with one of my daughters so far. She is the oldest. She has spelled it out to me clearly that she wants me to date, she told me that neither her or her sister have no problem at all with it. Just that it must be with a man and not a women no ifs ands or buts. So I am frustrated, do I just go back in the closet and end my relationship? Or do I do keep seeing my partner behind their back? :confused:

fredg · Feb 23, 2006, 05:51 AM

Hi,
Since you have clarified about your "partner", it is going to be very, very difficult in convincing your children.
Just look at the history of the same-sex relationships in the United States; in regards to how others feel about them! Most all very, very negative.
My guess is that your children are NOT going to accept this. The only way you have is "behind their back".

DrJ · Feb 23, 2006, 12:26 PM

Woah woah woah woah... I see why you chose the words you did. You may have wanted to clairfy this when you first ask for advice.

However, most of what I said still stands. They do not have a say in who you love. They may not accept it... that's just too bad. If your partner has lived this lifestyle for some time, she should be used to it, I would assume.

You are an adult and capable of making your own decisions. Do you have a say in who THEY date? What if you don't approve of one of their dates? Will they willing give him/her up?

I admit, if this were my mother, I would find it difficult to accept but I wouldn't want to stand in the way of her happiness either.

Chery · Feb 24, 2006, 05:05 AM

Whatever your choice in partners, it's your life and you will be lonely if you let your kids rule it. They will eventually grow up and leave the house, and should accept your choice, as long as you are happy.
Your happiness should mean something to them, you gave so much of yourself and they can show appreciation and love by supporting you.

No matter what your choice, wish you lots of luck and many stressless years!

Many famous people world-wide are living an alternative lifestyle and are happy - you have that right also.

zelhay · Feb 25, 2006, 12:51 AM

Have a talk with your teens

They probably have a reason why they don't want your partner

Ask them.. know their reasons..

GenomeX · Apr 12, 2006, 09:28 AM

I would totally disagree with going your teens way. You've raised your children (and I'm assuming that you've raised them well). Now since you love them so much, they should love you in return. Your teen children will be with you only for a few more years.. whereas this lover of yours might be the one, and therefore be with you for your whole life.

If your children really love you, then they will want to see you happy. Since you've given them so much of your life, don't you think its time that they at least allow you to love someone you want to love. If they know that that girl makes you happy, and they dont like her and want you to quit your relationship with her.. then it means that they are quite selfish and dont care about you enough. (watch the OC, season 3, when seths Girlfriend dislikes her dad's new girlfriend, but still acts that she likes her since her dad's new GF makes him happy).

Personally, if my parents were to divorce, obviously I would feel really sad, but I would in no way ever ever ever keep them from their decisions since I only want what makes them happy. For example if my parents did divorce, and my mom was dating a guy that made her really happy (and she really liked) but of whom I thought was a complete doushebag.. I would never infere.. because again I would see that the doushebag guy made my mom happy.. so that's all that matters. I'm a teen, I'm only going to stay with my parents for a few more years, so I might as well think about them before I think about myself... your teen kids should realise this.

Fr_Chuck · Apr 12, 2006, 12:10 PM

The ridicule and harassment your children could suffer from living in a non standard household has to be considered. Why many people accept non standard lifestyles publicly most don't truly accept it and your children are most likely ashamed. Depending on their ages perhaps you should wait in finding a new partner till they are grown.

When my boys were teens I waited till the youngest left home before finding someone new since I did not want to add to an already hard situation.

Choices on lifestyle may be your choice, but you are not entitled to force this lifestyle on your children.

Have you considered allowing them to live with their other parent if that is an option

ashley19 · Apr 24, 2006, 06:01 PM

I am a teenager and I don't like my moms boyfriend but I acept it for her.. they are teenagers and should understand you love this person and you also need to be happy, if they don't understand this you shuld tell them.. soon your teens will be gone away creating their own lives.. you need to look out for yourself.. your teens are probably just thinking of their own embarressment.. I think you should put your foot dowr and do what is rite 4u their opinions are important but should not drive you and the one you love apart, that's not fair..

kp2171 · Apr 24, 2006, 08:53 PM

I'm not going to tell you right or wrong about sex of partner.

I will say that when I started dating my wife her daughter was sooooooo against me.

She basically said to me "shes a good person. shell come around"

She did. Mostly when I started to force myseld into her life. The weekend I painted her room and bought new furniture was a turning point... not because I got her stuff, but she saw I was really vested in her.

Took almost 1.5 years for her to warm to me, and even then, it took a few more for the relationship to be "special"...

So I guess I'm going to say you need to make healthy decisions for you and for your children. If this person is truly vested in being a part of their lives, and is willing to put up with a lot of noise, then maybe its fine.

I do NOT think the rambling, irrational thoughts of teens should dictate a parents actions. I do think the welfare of the kids should be considered.

There. That make things crystal clear? Didn't think so.

yoyokerk · Apr 24, 2006, 09:39 PM

To all of you have been so kind and given me heeps of great advice,:) :) :)

Well everyone, I guess you do not need to worry about me anymore, as my partner and I have split. This has been for me a really big struggle and now that we are apart my stress level has gone down emensley.

I found out about 3 weeks ago that I have cancer and have had to focus whatever strength I have into preparing how I am going to fight this. My fatique level has been very bad the last 6 months and now I know why.

Unfortunately, when you are sick, you really find out who is there for you and who isn't. My children have been so supportive. My sister (who is a nurse) has moved in with me. I am so lucky. My partner decided that she could not support me and put her own need aside to care for me, therefore, we were left with no alternative but to end it. I am not a person that needs to be doted on all the time. However, in our relationship, It was expected that I be the strong one.

It was quite interesting to see the reaction of the children to our split. One was thrilled that it was finally over. My other daughter was sad for me. She was sad that I did not have a partner to see me through my illness and to particapate in all the appointments, etc... I was last week in the hospital 3x by ambulance because of extreme pain.
Anyway thank you again,
greetings
Yoyokerk

fredg · Apr 25, 2006, 05:15 AM

HI,
You do not say what part of the World you live in; I live in the US in VA.
Sharing this might help somewhat.
My wife was found to have lower base tongue cancer in Dec, 2003.
She went through Chemo and Radiation Treatments in 2004, with me retiring in 2004, to take care of her, and help her make all these trips every day to hospitals. Now, she is Cancer Free, and still recovering somewhat from all the Chemo treatments.
I do with you the best, and please talk with some of the good folks in Cancer Support Groups; probably at the hospital or the Cancer treatment facility. There is always very positive things happening, and it's just one day at a time.
I do wish you the best.

kp2171 · Apr 25, 2006, 07:02 AM

So sorry to hear this.

If you need a place to vent, you know the site.

You've got a lot of work in front of you, but stay strong, focused on yourself and your girls. My wife's friend's daughter was diagnosed with a nasty spinal cancer... took time, but she somehow got through it all. Pain free and cancer free after 5 years.

Best regards.

Chery · Apr 25, 2006, 08:00 AM

Originally Posted by yoyokerk

To all of you have been so kind and given me heeps of great advice,:) :) :)

Well everyone, I guess you do not need to worry about me anymore, as my partner and I have split. This has been for me a really big struggle and now that we are apart my stress level has gone down emensley.

I found out about 3 weeks ago that I have cancer and have had to focus whatever strength I have into preparing how I am going to fight this. My fatique level has been very bad the last 6 months and now I know why.

Unfortunatley, when you are sick, you really find out who is there for you and who isn't. My children have been so supportive. My sister (who is a nurse) has moved in with me. I am so lucky. My partner decided that she could not support me and put her own need aside to care for me, therefore, we were left with no alternative but to end it. I am not a person that needs to be doted on all the time. However, in our relationship, It was expected that I be the strong one.

It was quite interesting to see the reaction of the children to our split. One was thrilled that it was finally over. My other daughter was sad for me. She was sad that I did not have a partner to see me through my illness and to particapate in all the appointments, ect.... I was last week in the hospital 3x by ambulance because of extreme pain.
Anyways thank you again,
greetings
Yoyokerk

Hey girlfriend, you are not alone in this, you have your family, and you'll also meet new people, in and out of the clinic, as you go for your visits. I generally tell patients that it's not a good idea to get to know people while in the hospital, but I've just completed a four-week stint myself (spine operations) and I've had cancer too. Anyway, I met some nice people, nurses and patients, that I will continue to stay in contact with now, and am the richer for getting to know them.

You too will get to know new people and find comfort in the friendships evolved from this. And probably more understanding ones than the ones you know now.

Sorry that your girlfriend did not stay - but this shows you that she was not cut out for a long-standing relationship as much as you are.

Now you can concentrate on looking forward, without the stress. And you'll probably win your other daughter over with a new relationship too. She probably saw something in the relationship that you did not see, and didn't know what it was except that she did not agree with it. Sometimes things like this see the light too late, but you're lucky that it was found out early enough. I'm sure she will approve of the 'special' person in your life, once you find the right one.

Until then, please keep us posted, you know that we are here for you every step of the way, and can let it all out here, so stay with us..

Wishing you all the best,

Chery

Sending you and yours a lot of HUGS!

anexpert · May 17, 2007, 12:38 PM

Originally Posted by yoyokerk

i feel hopeless, my kids have virtually pushed my partner out of their lives and mine. now i have to sneak around to see her. what should i do? should i stop seeing this person that i love, just because my teenagers have told me so?
i am very confused.............
yoyokerk:( :( :(

I think that you should do what makes you happy and if your children love you then they would want you to be happy. I would say just sit down and talk with them and let them know how happy your lover makes you and then speak with you partner and try to make a compromise between your children and your lover.you shouldn't have to choose.