[X Brandywine X]

Hi,

I can't really think how to word this, but here goes..
I'm Kind of scared of men ::confused:

When I was younger my parents divorced and I know now that it was my mums fault, she had the affair with the man who became my "stepfather", and I can let that go.. But it is what happened after they divorced that has pretty much mucked me up..

This "stepfather" of mine was all right the first year, you know, lovely, kind, fatherly in the only way a step father can be. But come the second year, he changed. He obviously felt like he was comfortabley routed in the house, and that he could what he liked and my knob of mother would do nothing, and he was right, she did nothing.
Soo, yeah, anyway, this second year things changed. He became more aggressive towards me, started with just raising his voice more than usually, but as the year progressed, the shouting turned into Beating that by no means did I diserve.

These beating my mother ignored and "did not see". I couldn't tell my father, who I had contact with for a while, because it would upset him, and when I did finally think 'right I have to tell him' I suddenly stopped seeing him, and I always blamed his then lady, but now I know this was also my mums fault.

My "stepfather" was with us for 4 years, give or take, and for 3 of those 4 years, he beat me, broke many bones and factured dozen others, and then for the last year he was with us, other things were done to me by him, which of corse, at the aga of nine I did not understand, I do now, but didn't then. I couldn't tell anyone, my mum would have called me a liar and taken his side, my dad was no longer there, and well, I didn't understand to tell anyone.
The point of this Question is help.
I am now with a guy I have liked for some considerable time, and he fully knows what happened to me as a young girl, and is understanding about the fact that I can't seem to bring myself to lpeasure him in anyway. I know this is going to sound bad, I don't mind him doing things to me, in fact, I really like it, but I feel super bad, because, to put it in a simple way : The prospect of doing anything to him scares me and conjours memories of my "stepfather".

Is there anything I can do to help me get over this stupid fear, and to finally give my Boyfriend what he deserves?

I think a little bit is fear of not knowing what to do,

Is there anything I can Do?

Please help, this has been weighin on me for too long

XX
P.S sorry about the Length!

[justcurious55]

I don't think it's a "'stupid" fear. You've been seriously traumatized. I'm surprised you can bring yourself to even have a boyfriend after what you've gone through. I suggest you find someone to talk to about these things, like a good counselor/therapist. That's got to be a lot of baggage to carry and they can help you work through it. Be patient with yourself. There's no rush. Take your time healing.

[KalFour]

You poor thing.
Have you ever tried talking to your mother about those experiences since then? Or ever confronted your stepfather? Do you have any closure on those experiences?

This isn't something that can be rushed. If your boyfriend is serious, I'm sure he'll be patient and not rush you. Just try getting more comfortable with him. Spend more time hugging and touching and just getting used to the feel of him. Don't worry about trying to get things to move beyond that, even if it takes a long time. You have to feel safe and comfortable with him.
It might help if you close your eyes and focus on your senses, especially touch, rather than thinking too deliberately about what you're doing. I don't know if it will work for you, but focusing on current senses has helped me to let go of associations.

[Rohinald]

Hey hun.

I was in the same position not so long ago but I was abused by a "friend" the same age as me. Have you spoken to your mum about the abuse yet? I think that now he is out of the picture, it is essential for you to talk to someone and get help for this awful abuse that you suffered. I know how hard it is, and understand that you might be slightly scared about not knowing what to do. Perhaps taking to your boyfriend about being scared of not knowing what to do, I'm sure he'd be able to tell you ;)

A counselor could really help you hun.

[kt123456]

Omg that is so horrible. I imagine you are terribly scared then of course you have a reason to be afraid. I'm sure if your boyfriend loves and cares about you enough he will wait until you are ready. The worst thing would be to pleasure him while having thought of this bastard of a fella going through your head. I think you should perhaps seek professional advice.
Xxx