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    Charmed24's Avatar
    Charmed24 Posts: 31, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member

    May 7, 2017, 08:53 PM
    Left out by friends
    I went into college with one of my best friends from high school. There was a group of three friends we both started hanging out with a month before our summer began. Last Monday I wasn't doing anything all day. I got called into work very last minute for 5 o'clock so I said yes because I had no other plans. The moment I stepped out to the front at work I saw two of the girls we had started hanging it with and said hi. One of them was like "oh your friend (not gonna add names) and ___ are just over there. I didn't invite you because ___ (my friend) said you were hanging out with your boyfriend tonight" and I just replied with "oh I don't know why she would think that." I was immediately upset because this is something that always happens to me. I always am the one to be forgotten or left out and it sucks. A few minutes later my friend and the other girl showed up to talk to me. I just ignored my friend by serving customers and doing dishes in the back until she left. Usually I just laugh it off or pretend I don't care but this time I was mad. In fact I remember shaking so much that I messed up an ice cream cone because I was going to stand up for myself for once. I didn't want to have this conversation while I was at work though so that's why I ignored her. She's recently texted me asking me why I'm so mad and that she doesn't know what she did wrong. She started guessing and tried to say that their plans to hang out were very last minute and she just assumed I was busy so she didn't bother asking. Turns out they went out to lunch so I could have attended that because I was free all day. They only went to the mall briefly afterwards and that's when I saw them (I work in the mall). I don't know if I'm right to be mad. I just feel like I've let her walk all over me and I'm not taking it anymore. Too be completely honest I wouldn't even care if we weren't friends anymore, this has been going on so long that I just don't care for her. But our class has 16 girls and I have two years left so being or her friend or at least friendly is mandatory. I just don't know what to do about it. And leaving me out isn't the only thing she does. She's constantly being rude to me. Just saying rude comments. I remember one time our friend in high school curled her hair and was really excited about it and she told her that it looked childish and she should fix it. She also hates my boyfriend who is one of the nicest people on the planet. He's never done anything to give her a reason not to like him. The first time I introduced him she straight up said to his face that he looked like a rat, so he's never liked her either but at least he's got a reason. She's also told me to cheat on him and insults our relationship all of the time when there's nothing to insult. There was one time when she was talking to a guy for about a week and he called her beautiful or something and she showed me and went, I bet your boyfriend doesn't even say stuff like this. And I told her that he did and she didn't believe it and acted like her one week relationship (which ended shortly after) was somehow superior to my 2 1/2 year relationship. She also just makes comments here and there, like bashing my hair, or my makeup, or even my phone case, which doesn't seem like much but when she does it as often as she does it adds up and I end up feeling really upset about it. One thing I can't stand is that she always bashes my taste in music when she plugs in MY phone into MY car. I listen to a lot of old/classic music and she gets all salty because I'm not into rap and her weird techno rave music. And when she says it every single day of my life, yeah it bothers me. I just don't know what to do anymore. I can't stand her but I'm stuck with her.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    May 8, 2017, 04:35 AM
    I didn't read all this because all these details aren't the issue. (Try to remember that total strangers online 'aren't there' with you and the story just can't be very interesting.)
    It all boils down to the time in your life when all of you are going through a lot of changes.
    You are going your separate ways, you more than they. You are giving up the petty, stupid behavior of high school, like being critical of taste in music or phone cases.
    Be glad, and keep studying, and doing your part time job, and soon you will have different friends.
    No, you aren't stuck with anyone. Gently withdraw. If she pesters you, tell her you aren't into all the old stuff anymore.
    It happens to most of us.
    People who study for careers tend to drop the petty concerns faster than those who just give friendships the only importance in life.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852

    May 8, 2017, 07:27 AM
    No you are not stuck with her, you just choose to be. That's something you can control, when you get over the fact you NEED friends, or a clique of friends to pay attention to you and give you comfort by belonging to something.

    Not only is this a false sense of security but what a drag to put up with some one you will get annoyed by. Now why is that?
    Charmed24's Avatar
    Charmed24 Posts: 31, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member

    May 8, 2017, 04:12 PM
    I 100% agree, I just don't want to be so lonely because I know that's how I'll feel if I have no friends at all..
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
    current pert

    May 8, 2017, 04:28 PM
    Here's the question: do you just want to tell us each little story about what you don't like about her, and then insist that you are stuck with her?
    Because we can't change HER. We can only suggest how YOU can change.
    We did that.
    Sitting there right back where you started when you came here - how does that feel?
    Do you see that you can't have life both ways? This will happen in thousands of ways in the future. It's called being an adult. Choices.
    Here are your choices:
    dump her, stay busy, wait til you have newer, more adult friends
    keep her the way she is
    try to change her, something that you have to do without anyone here, because we can't help third hand

    You do sound passive. Work on some ways to cut her down a peg or two, without acting like her. Start with "Grow up" and walk away. She walks all over you because she can.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852

    May 8, 2017, 07:44 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by Charmed24 View Post
    I 100% agree, I just don't want to be so lonely because I know that's how I'll feel if I have no friends at all..
    She is no friend. You really do need to invest some time into how best to build a life that you enjoy with real FRIENDS, family and activities that make you happy. At the very least you need an honest very frank talk with your so called friend about how she treats you, and if that does not bring about change, then YOU need to examine why you need such a person to keep you from being lonely.

    Do you feel stuck because you don't have other options for fun, friends, and activities? That would be strange since you have a boyfriend. There is a huge world to explore and experiment with in very healthy ways so get with it.

    I think until you figure out you deserve better then you won't even try to do better. That would be sad.
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
    Pets Expert

    May 8, 2017, 11:51 PM
    She's abusive. She doesn't hit you, but she constantly puts you down, makes you feel bad about yourself. She's abusive, you're in an abusive relationship with her. If your boyfriend treated you the way she does, would you stay with him? If you would, then you need more help than we can offer.

    You don't like the way she treats you, so stop letting her treat you that way. Either confront her or end the friendship. If you choose to do nothing, then that's your fault and yours alone. You alone can decide how you allow people to treat you.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,790, Reputation: 2604
    Dating & Teen Expert

    May 9, 2017, 08:09 AM
    You are not stuck with her, you choose to be around her. Either put her in her place or stay away from her. Take your power back.
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
    Uber Member

    May 9, 2017, 09:30 AM
    Unless you are bunk buddies in a Prison cell. Nobody is "stuck" with another person... like was mentioned. Tell her what the boundaries are and she either agrees to honor them or you move on.

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