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    Silvermist's Avatar
    Silvermist Posts: 85, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #1

    Oct 15, 2016, 01:17 AM
    Friend or boyfriend?
    My friend says my boyfriend is a real ### to me and I should leave him. She told me if I don't dump him she doesn't want to be my friend anymore, she says she cant stand to see how he treats me. We had a big fight and she threatened to tell my mum. I don't know what to do. I don't feel that he treats me bad and I don't want to break up with him but I don't want to lose my best friend either. What would you do if you had to choose? I don't even want to choose. I think its wrong of her to put me in that position. I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend. I don't want him to get angry and I still want us all to be friends.
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #2

    Oct 15, 2016, 03:09 AM
    You're 14, right?
    Best friends (any friends) with any maturity don't threaten each other that way, but she can't be expected to have that maturity yet. And boyfriends come and go while friends are forever.
    You have to make this choice on your own. The third option is to try to gently tell her that you don't want to lose her and to please help you understand what is so awful about him. Is this the boy next door who was your boyfriend several months ago?
    smoothy's Avatar
    smoothy Posts: 25,495, Reputation: 2853
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    #3

    Oct 15, 2016, 04:24 AM
    I feel the same way as joypulv on this.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,790, Reputation: 2604
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    #4

    Oct 15, 2016, 09:23 AM
    Friends don't do friends that way but a 14 who knows. Ask her what it is about him that she thinks is so bad. Does your parent know you have a boyfriend?
    Silvermist's Avatar
    Silvermist Posts: 85, Reputation: 2
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    #5

    Oct 16, 2016, 02:16 AM
    Yes I'm still dating the same boy and yes my mum knows about him. I took your advice and asked her to tell me how she thinks he treats me wrong but I guess we just have different ways of looking at things. I think its normal for your boyfriend to be jealous when I look at other boys she seems to think he's over reacting, she thinks he's to controlling because he wants to know where I am and I just think he just cares. She says I just cant see it for what it is. Ive never had a boyfriend before so I'm confused is it normal?
    joypulv's Avatar
    joypulv Posts: 21,593, Reputation: 2941
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    #6

    Oct 16, 2016, 03:10 AM
    It's normal to be confused about everything when you are a teen. (It doesn't get a whole lot easier as life goes on, LOL.)
    I'm tempted to side with your friend, even though I can't judge, not being there. When I hear 'jealous' and 'controlling' a chill comes over me. I do know that some girls and women equate that with love and caring, but that's because they don't know what love is. It usually means a home life that just didn't have good love in it. Control is far, far from love. I could sit here all day writing about possessiveness and jealousy. Also, it usually gets worse and ends badly.
    To put a positive spin on this, I hope you can teach yourself a bit of independence. When you have a sense of who you are, what you believe, what you care about in life, what is important to YOU, what your value is in the world, THEN open yourself to romantic love followed by long lasting love.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #7

    Oct 16, 2016, 07:09 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Silvermist View Post
    I think its normal for your boyfriend to be jealous when I look at other boys she seems to think he's over reacting,
    It's normal to be jealous but how does he carry himself when he is jealous?

    she thinks he's to controlling because he wants to know where I am and I just think he just cares. She says I just cant see it for what it is. Ive never had a boyfriend before so I'm confused is it normal?
    Again how he carries himself is the key and how YOU react is even more important. If he is cool in both cases, then all may be well but if he over reacts with ANGER, name calling, threats or disrespect in ANY way, it's definitely not a sign of caring, and maybe your friend is right.
    Silvermist's Avatar
    Silvermist Posts: 85, Reputation: 2
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    #8

    Oct 16, 2016, 12:42 PM
    Quote Originally Posted by talaniman View Post
    It's normal to be jealous but how does he carry himself when he is jealous?



    Again how he carries himself isdoes the key and how YOU react is even more important. If he is cool in both cases, then all may be well but if he over reacts with ANGER, name calling, threats or disrespect in ANY way, it's definitely not a sign of caring, and maybe your friend is right.
    Its norml for people to get angry though right, I mean I cause him to get angry sometimes. Lol I seem to make everyone pissed at me think it must be a talent of mine. I know he loves me. Thanks for all the replys I will figure it out she's my friend I'm sure if I explain things she might see it from my point of veiw and still want to be friends I don't want to lose anything else.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,790, Reputation: 2604
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    #9

    Oct 16, 2016, 04:27 PM
    What do you do to cause him to get angry and what does he do.
    You are 14, there is nothing wrong with looking at other guys. How old is he?
    Alty's Avatar
    Alty Posts: 28,318, Reputation: 5972
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    #10

    Oct 16, 2016, 04:38 PM
    What does he get angry about, and what does he say or do when he's angry?
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #11

    Oct 17, 2016, 09:36 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Silvermist View Post
    My friend says my boyfriend is a real ### to me and I should leave him. She told me if I don't dump him she doesn't want to be my friend anymore, she says she cant stand to see how he treats me. We had a big fight and she threatened to tell my mum. I don't know what to do. I don't feel that he treats me bad and I don't want to break up with him but I don't want to lose my best friend either. What would you do if you had to choose? I don't even want to choose. I think its wrong of her to put me in that position. I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend. I don't want him to get angry and I still want us all to be friends.
    First off your friend shouldn't be making ultimatums for you. That's controlling and abusive, similar to what she is claiming your boyfriend is like.

    Jealously is a normal emotion. Everyone will feel at some point, but when it becomes a pillar of your relationship then it isn't healthy. It is a sign of a lack of trust.

    What would he be jealous of? He saw you talking to a classmate about a project you're working on. Not a good reason to be angry or jealous. If he sees you later engaged in intimate activities with this person, then that would be a good time to be angry and jealous.

    The point I am trying to make is, if he is always jealous, angry, then he's not secure in the relationship and doesn't trust you. This isn't healthy, and if that is the case then your friend has the right idea, you should dump him.

    You should also have a heart to hear with your friend about using ultimatums with you. That isn't healthy either.

    Good luck.
    Silvermist's Avatar
    Silvermist Posts: 85, Reputation: 2
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    #12

    Oct 18, 2016, 05:59 PM
    Thanks for the replys I get what your all saying. I don't think anyone is with out flaws in this world and I don't believe in leaving someone because of them. I know I'm only 14 and I highly doubt we will be together forever but we are now and he's helped me through a lot been there when I felt alone so how horrible would I be to leave him just because he gets angry with me and its not even that bad he usually just won't talk to me or just send me horrible text messages no big deal I tell him I'm sorry and its OK.
    Cat1864's Avatar
    Cat1864 Posts: 8,007, Reputation: 3687
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    #13

    Oct 18, 2016, 07:02 PM
    It is a very big deal if he is calling you names, making threats, telling you how horrible you are, etc. That is controlling and abusive behavior. Both of you need to learn how to communicate and what is appropriate and what isn't.

    Talking to other people, male or female, is not a good reason for him to act like a jerk. You should not accept his negative behavior.

    While it may seem like nothing now, this type of behavior doesn't get better. It gets worse. Every time you do what he doesn't like, he punishes you. It starts with talking to other males. He punishes you by ignoring you. You stop talking. Then he thinks you are looking at other males and punishes you for that until the only place you are looking is at him or the ground. Then your girlfriends take up too much of your time. Then your family. Then your own life. Finally, you are doing, saying, dressing, etc. just to please him and have no life of your own.

    He is still young enough to learn that controlling you and your life is not appropriate. He is old enough to learn that he should discuss the relationship with you instead of treating you like a possession.

    You are old enough to learn that you do not have to put up with people you care about treating you badly. You are old enough to learn that relationships should be built on mutual love, caring, trust, and communication. Relationships built on guilt, fear, or other negative emotions fall apart. Don't stay with someone who treats you badly just because you think you owe them. Helping you up while you were down is good. Trying to keep you down and in an unhealthy place is not love.

    While your friend may be crossing boundary lines, I think she may be seeing some things more clearly than you are. Talk with her about her fears. Listen. Try not to get defensive. Think about what she has to say.

    Then talk to your mother about setting boundaries in relationships. Don't put off learning because you are only 14. 14 is when you start learning what you want, what you will accept, and what you refuse to put up with in a relationship. Is his behavior what you really want in a relationship?
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,790, Reputation: 2604
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    #14

    Oct 19, 2016, 06:05 AM
    This is ugly behavior on his part and if you make excuses for this kind of abuse, you will for worse.
    talaniman's Avatar
    talaniman Posts: 54,137, Reputation: 10852
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    #15

    Oct 19, 2016, 07:43 AM
    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to Cat1864 again.
    Hope you listen, and give thought to what the two previous posters have put forth. I absolutely agree with them. You owe it to him and yourself to teach him what you feel is appropriate, and NOT appropriate treatment by him to you.

    This is how HEALTHY relationships are built, whether they are meant to last or NOT. I wouldn't dismiss the concerns of your friend either since she sincerely cares for you. At least you seem to know that boyfriends come and go but friends are forever. It's important that you, and your friend talk about your differences.

    You will get many life lessons like this about how best to set your boundaries, and priorities for good behavior not just for yourself, but how others treat you too, so consider telling this fellow it's not okay to go off and ignore you, and certainly calling names is out of bounds, as a reaction to such dumb innocent stuff!

    You owe it to him to push back on BAD behavior, and hopefully he will grow and do better. If he cannot then YOU must do better. Make sense?
    CravenMorhead's Avatar
    CravenMorhead Posts: 4,532, Reputation: 1065
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    #16

    Oct 19, 2016, 08:17 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by Silvermist View Post
    Thanks for the replys I get what your all saying. I don't think anyone is with out flaws in this world and I don't believe in leaving someone because of them. I know I'm only 14 and I highly doubt we will be together forever but we are now and he's helped me through a lot been there when I felt alone so how horrible would I be to leave him just because he gets angry with me and its not even that bad he usually just won't talk to me or just send me horrible text messages no big deal I tell him I'm sorry and its OK.
    Hi

    This is abusive behaviour of a male that is seeking a dominate relationship and not a mutual relationship. You haven't set up any boundaries with him so he is controlling you. He isn't trying, he IS.

    Think about a healthy romantic relationship, does this include horrible text messages? Not talking or communicating? It really shouldn't. It is a huge lack of respect. Onto of that it is re-enforcing BAD communication habits.

    Right now you're setting up the way you will deal with relationships for the REST of your life. Is this how you want them to be? I personally think you deserve better.

    Dump him NOW. This is REALLY toxic.
    Homegirl 50's Avatar
    Homegirl 50 Posts: 10,790, Reputation: 2604
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    #17

    Oct 19, 2016, 09:12 AM
    You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to CravenMorhead again.
    Silvermist's Avatar
    Silvermist Posts: 85, Reputation: 2
    Junior Member
     
    #18

    Oct 19, 2016, 03:27 PM
    I'm confused I didn't really think it was that big a deal, I mean it upsets me when he says horrible things or accuses me of stuff I wouldn't do but I just thought I don't know what I thought I just wanted to make it better so its easier to say sorry and forget about. I'm finding it very hard to accept what you have all written, I have no idea and something's you've written make sense but I don't want to believe that. I am just as responsible as him for letting it get to this point, I should have never have done things with him and he wouldn't of got so over protective :( I have a lot of thinkinv to do so thanks for all the advice

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