[Vicky_D]

I've been dating this great guy for five months now, and things are going great. We always do things together and we do love each other now already. The thing is, I met him over the summer, and we both are attending college right now. I'm 19, he's 22. The problem is, we attend two different Universities, that are about an hour and a half away from each other (same state though). I'm going to live back at my dorm this weekend, and he's commuting from his house to school.

I'm not jealous when he talks to other girls, and I don't think he's cheating on me at all. But I'm afraid that when we're away from each other and we will only get to see each other on the weekends, that he will adopt an "out of site, out of mind" mentality and start flirting with and seeing other girls on campus... since he can't see me that much and there's all these girls on campus, why not, right? I've told him about this fear and he says, 'well we only see each other on the weekends anyway now!' Which is true because I work during the week and he takes this martial arts class during the weeks and works on the weekends. We usually just hang out Thursday night and during the day on Friday.

I know he gets annoyed that I keep bringing this up and says I'm making a big deal out of nothing, and that we will see one another on the weekend (well, Friday and maybe saturday) and everything will be OK... and that we get to spend winter and summer break with each other and that we only spend half of the year in school anyway. Which is true, but I'm still afraid he'll leave me because my last boyfriend did just that. But I don't want my new boyfriend to suffer because of what someone did to me before!

Anyway, I'm afraid that my insecurity will ruin our relationship! I don't want to ruin this because we have something so special! How can I stop?! :(

[xadmin]

This will be hard for you to hear, but you need to stop with the insecurity. I believed you love him more than he loved you and you are thinking to yourself he is a better catch for you than you are to him.

This insecurity/jealousy type will only drive you crazy and make you seem needy which is NOT good or attractive. Play it cool and if things don't work out, walk away with dignity. I know it is harder to do than to say, but hang in there and goodluck

[talaniman]

You have already taken a good step with telling him about it, now you must work on doing things to keep you busy, and NOT be give in to the impulses to dwell on what he is doing when he isn't with you.

Your other b/f broke your trust, but you must work to overcome the past, and let the present work as it will. YOU MUST TRUST HIM, and get through this.

He can help, but you must be the one to not get carried away with your own feelings.

I suggest having positive activities, friends, and hobbies planned, to help you not dwell on the past, is the way to deal with this feelings when they do come up. It helps to have a strategy to deal with the negative energy.

It also keeps you balanced, and you won't depend on him to make you feel good about yourself.

[Vicky_D]

Thanks so much for your replies...

To xadmin, he's the one who said he loved me first, which... I was shocked... he asked me if I loved him too and I told him that with a little more time and us getting to know each other more, then I could come to love him. And I did eventually, and things are great now. I just feel like I'll ruin it... now the tables have turned and he's calling ME needy! I feel like I had the control in the beginning of our relationship, but now HE does! And I'm looking all sappy and paranoid!

And Talamiman, you're so right... everything you said is very true, I can't disagree with anything.

[xadmin]

Vicky, be very careful. I figured with your attitude, you will seem needy to him. It also sucks that the table have turned, but stay strong. It will benefit you in the end.

[Vicky_D]

Thanks so much xadmin, I needed this advice and encouragement from other people. I do have to stay strong, I'm just so afraid of betrayal... of being betrayed again.

Thanks again to you all!

[amicon]

Stay strong and be who you are.no need to be needy.:-)

[chuff]

Thanks so much xadmin, I needed this advice and encouragement from other people. I do have to stay strong, I'm just so afraid of betrayal...of being betrayed again.

Thanks again to you all!

I understand the feeling of betrayal. But what is betrayal really? It's an admission from the other party they were not as committed, strong, and loyal as you were. The betrayal is not you ability to love or be loved, it is their betrayal of themselves, because they can not commit to the relationship at the level you can. Well you classify it as betrayal and it hurts no question about it, but it's a reflection on them, not on you.

[Gemini54]

Sometimes the things that we most fear are the things that we create for ourselves. So it is with relationships - the more you focus on betrayal, the more it will be there like an elephant in the corner quietly manifesting itself.

It's really hard to conquer our insecurities and they can nag away at us, but at least you have the capacity to recognize that it's a problem. My advice is don't make him your life - he is part of your life (and an important part), but your life is, I'm sure, filled with so many other things. Make sure that this is the case - you will be a much more interesting and stable person if you have other interests, other friends, other hobbies and other goals for your life.

Stop with the worrying and the nagging. If you must, talk to a GF about your fears but not to him. Tell him that you trust him and start believing it. Act as if you do and your mind will slowly adjust to this belief.

You are still young and I'm sure that this won't be your last relationship - enjoy it and enjoy him. He may meet someone else, but then again, so might you. Don't manifest something that doesn't exist.