[Ettevy]

Hi everyone,

As I read through your encouraging words, I find that I must be upfront about the relationship I had with him. Here it is... I won't lie... but I had my hand in this break up as well.
I believe that it is time to tell you exactly what happened. I began this relationship in November 2008 and on our first date, he mentioned that he was head over heels for me. We quickly came together. He met my family and I met his. We always said that a love like ours never happened twice. We both are pretty well-educated people and knew that the honeymoon would be over with time, but we were in love. The beginning was rocky as we both began to discover that we had many differences aside from our ethnic backgrounds. He had been with many women and I with only one man. He kept saying that he was on a downward spiral until he met me. I broke up with him a few times and he begged me to stay and I did, because I loved him and never wanted to lose him but was afraid that we would both crash and burn. I had been in a 7 year relationship prior to him and it had ended 2 months before I met him. I had begged him to not start so quickly as I didn't want another boyfriend and he convinced me that this was meant to be. We settled and made our lives together; however, I was adamant about not having his ex girlfriends be a part of our relationship as he was still friends with many. He and I decided that he would write them and tell them he no longer wanted to talk to them. That being said I was astonished by the email that he wrote many to all of them... he simply called them baggage. I never intended it to go that far, but he was confident and didn't regret his decision.

What happened next worried me as he began to slowly end all sorts of friendly relationships with guy friends. He mentioned that in his world all these people knew each other and to return to that circle meant uncomfortable situations in which I would find myself in a party with one of the exes. On multiple occasions I saw him withdrawing and becoming depressed. I pleaded with him to hang onto his friends... Slowly, he began to resent me as I predicted if he shut himself from that world. He simply said that my set of values and theirs did not mix. He began to put words in my mouth and would state that the things that he had said came from me. It began to get confusing. He slowly started to ignore me and I began to tell him that I couldn't be with someone like that.

In May, I was faced with a very stressful situation at work that escalated in June. HE came to my rescue by finding out legal resources that would aide me in my fight against the administration, but slowly I began to see that he was withdrawing physically as well. One month ago, I found myself begging him to stay. He had packed his bags right before one of the major obstacles I had in my fight. He quickly changed his mind as he knew that it was crass to leave at such a time. For the next month, I walked on eggshells. I was the best girlfriend in the world and he took me on a rollercoaster. One day he loved me, the next day he couldn't even kiss me. The day before we broke up was a bad day... He was withdrawn, anxious, depressed... He was rude to my family as they were over, but the next day he woke up in better spirits. In the afternoon, I had no choice. I confronted him and told him that he had me worried that I was afraid that he had in the past given up on many people: his family, his ex-wife (yes, he was married before), his career, his friends, and that now he was doing it to me. Well, he was very angry and told me that it was clear to him that he no longer felt what he had before. He said that he was actually more like his friends and that he no longer desired to be a husband and father. He also stated that he didn't think that this would ever work out. I asked him to try to make both worlds meet and he refused.

My world imploded. I felt lied to and rejected. As to appease me, he told me he would stick it out in this relationship until I felt better about the inevitable break up. He kept hurting me and I allowed it. I almost began to beg and he cut me off. I went to my car, called my mother and she told me that I shouldn't hang onto a person that doesn't want me. I returned to "our" apartment and found him making a puzzle... I said... "ok, you can go...if that is what you desperately want, then go" He didn't even blink. That is what he wanted... as he put it, he wanted his freedom... He shed tears and went and picked up a few things. I told him that if this was truly meant to be then he would return, but that he should be sure that he really felt it, because my heart could only take so much. As we hugged and said goodbye, he said "I wish that i could have been the man you wanted me to be." God, the blow came so abruptly. Somehow, I was to blame for he wanting to walk out. I was sooooo angry. I cried for hours and the next day I placed all his things in bags, called my friend, we hung out, and late in the evening she took them to him and he gave her my keys. I called him that night... Why?? I still don't know. He sounded bad, and let me know that he hadn't eaten all day. He said he wanted to take refuge at his parents house. Once again, he was clear that some people simply did not work out, and I asked him if he was happy now. He said that it took time. He kept saying, as if with authority since he had had so much experience in the past, "may be a couple of months, you'll have guys dating you very quickly." I wanted to die some more. I told him to reflect on what we had been to each other, on what he had told me in the past about our love. When I told him that I missed and loved him, he was silent. That is when I knew that it was over. I decided to never call him again. The next day I contemplated ending my life, but knew that there were many people I had to live for. I actually had a small surgery on Monday (just 3 days after the break up). He didn't call. Today, I am faced with the ultimate decision of my career, and he hasn't called. Next week is my birthday, and I know he won't call. I am dead inside. How could he simply not care anymore? Granted that he began to feel depressed at the boring life we were leading, but he never wanted to communicate. His idea at working on a solution was to simply become more withdrawn and see me as the cause of all his frustrations with life.

Today is one week since we broke up and I still want this man who is currently ignoring me. Why?? Do I not have dignity?? Am I wrong in wanting him?? I feel that I can see why he was so miserable, but to not care right now as I am going through hell recovering from surgery and dealing with what may be the end of my own career. I called him selfish once and it triggered a nerve as at first he was angry and then apologetic. He has many childhood issues from his past that I must respect and not divulge here, but my God, why introduce me into your world only to let me go like that. Was I a whim?? I even told him that I couldn't believe he could simply write me off... I love him and he chooses to not be with me. Deep down, I want him to return.. but not as the man I know now but the man I knew at the beginning. Is this man now the real him?? So many questions. Please help.

[HeadsHigh]

Its hard to come to terms with the idea of a lover no longer having the desire to stick things out by your side, believe me it's a notion that my brain cannot even process. You got involved with this man too early, 2 months after a 7 year relationship? This suggests dependency/attachment issues for sure, you can't honestly say that you were pressured into the relationship. His big mistake was cutting people out of his life for you, he'll always resent you for this, even though it was his choice.
A week is no time at all to be considering feeling OK about all of this, so stop giving yourself a hard time. No you're not wrong in wanting him but you are being selfish, yes he's walked out on you, but I doubt all of this is a walk in the park for him either. If you did love him you'd respect the fact that he is currently unhappy with the situation he is in and he needs his space and time. Your expectations of him now should not be what they were when you were together. Its sad and I'm sorry for what your going through.

[Ettevy]

Its hard to come to terms with the idea of a lover no longer having the desire to stick things out by your side, believe me its a notion that my brain cannot even process. You got involved with this man too early, 2 months after a 7 year relationship? this suggests dependency/attachment issues for sure, you can't honestly say that you were pressured into the relationship. His big mistake was cutting people out of his life for you, he'll always resent you for this, even though it was his choice.
A week is no time at all to be considering feeling ok about all of this, so stop giving yourself a hard time. No you're not wrong in wanting him but you are being selfish, yes he's walked out on you, but i doubt all of this is a walk in the park for him either. If you did love him you'd respect the fact that he is currently unhappy with the situation he is in and he needs his space and time. Your expectations of him now should not be what they were when you were together. Its sad and im sorry for what your going through.

Thanks for being honest. You should hear the cheerleaders around me. Everyone is on my side even after the story I just relayed. I am becoming increasingly more understanding of his feelings now that everyone is crapping on him. My mother does not understand how he could have simply run away during this very stressful time, but perhaps it was all too much for him. I understand now that he resents me and that the last person he wishes to see is me, but it is agonizing to constantly check my email and phone for messages. He clearly needed to be out of the situation and, frankly, may be I did too. I really hope that one day he realizes that the only thing I wanted was for it to work out. I truly do love him.

As for the 7 year relationship... he and I were over maybe 3 years ago. We just waited to break up until neither of us felt the pain. While it may sound terrible to many, it worked out really well. He is very happy in his new relationship. Called me a few months back to reassure me that he was doing well. I did the same.

I just received word about my career... still in limbo. Won't know anything until the 12th. In the mean time, there is healing to be done. My mother has given me this prayer book in the hopes that may be he will return. I know he won't, but I desperately want him to. Yesterday, it would have been difficult for me to fathom never calling him. Today, I know to leave him alone. If he one day sees that I really never meant to have him cut from the world he was a part of... may be he will return. I really really want him to return. Here come the tears again.

[HeadsHigh]

Its very easy to lose yourself in a relationship from what you've said it sounds as though he made you the center of his world, which isn't healthy. You both suffered, he withdrew and you got the blame. Now he needs to dig deep and stand on his own two feet.

He clearly needed to be out of the situation and, frankly, may be I did too.

I know this sounds like BS but as time goes on you'll start to see that he actually did the right thing for both of you. The love of my life walked out on me and now I can say that I'm proud of her for doing so.

Usually the blow of being dumped isn't softened, maybe if you had ended your previous relationship when it was actually over, you'd be more prepared and able to handle this break up.

[Ettevy]

Did you ever hear from her again?

[HeadsHigh]

Yes.. but it only caused drama. The no contact rule was something that I found impossible to stick by and at times she struggled with it too, but it really is the only way to come out of this in one piece mentally.

[Ettevy]

I know now to stay away. It seems that he will not be calling at all, and I know that I must do the same. God, it hurts. He sincerely is a beautiful person. I allowed my insecurities to get the better of me. I am actually seeking help.
Thanks for everything. Time is all I have going for me.

[HeadsHigh]

I allowed my insecurities to get the better of me.

Failed relationships are nothing but learning processes, this is what you've learnt about yourself from this one. Im sure you'll do the clever thing and make sure your next relationship benefits from this lesson.

Good luck with your healing process and vent on here as much as you need to :)

[Ettevy]

Thank you. I can't let him go. I really feel that he is the one. Yikes! I can't believe that I just admitted that to myself.