[Nighteyes]

Welll Ill post this "question" here and hope that this is where it actually belongs.
I have in the past wrote questions based on my tromatice past, and this one well relates but won't get into the past details.
With my past destroying so much of me, and me being the stubbern person I am, I've been left at a cross road. Through my life I have developed incredably horrable coping mechanisums. I shut people out, I run from issues and confrontation and worst of all right now, I don't deal. I'm not sure what I can do about this, sure go talk to someone, but again with horrable coping mechanisoms comes the social anxiaty, the inability to deal with anyone face to face or on a phone unless of course I am the one in TOTAL control.
I recently lost my job, mainly due to me attempting tp pursue my education farth, but none the less lost a job so no $$$ for school.
My um.. Bf in which I am trying to break up with is in deabt to his ears due to his dead beat ex and the child they "share". His issues become my issues which becomes my stress and adds on to my already extreamly large stress load and Now I am lost!!
I don't know what to do or where to turn. I need help, and yes a sphycologist or what not would probably be the best to get that but again! SOCIAL issues! And I mean to an extream.. like to the point I Won't go out side for days on end just because I don't want to see people and have their eyes preey on me etc...
I am totally lost and messed up.. and well I don't know what to do about anything, it all starts and is derivited from my HORRABLE past... but how can I deal when I can't even deal with the idea of talking to strangers to buy bread! GRRR>. I fustarte myself!
Any advice is greatly appreciated :)
Thanks

[Illusion]

Well, you are very hard on yourself - and that is not going to help because you already feel like you can't do anything. Some people are not very social - and that's all right. Not everybody can be a social butterfly. You may just be shy and reserved. You may just like to keep your ideas and feelings to yourself. You may not like talking about your problems with other people. Maybe you learned that you had to deal and resolve your own issues on your own. A lot of people are this way. Could be this is just your personality.

I understand how hard it is to deal with the memories of terrible experiences. There is something here that I would like for you to know. Sometimes when we have suffered through emotional pain - the experience and the self - become entangled as one. And all the feelings associated with the experience merge with your self/spirit. When in fact, the experience is one thing and exists / existed / happened outside of yourself. You are in reality not entangled with any experience - no matter how horrible it was. We have learned to internalize experiences.

To heal is to work on the self/spirit to bring it into focus and as we do this, the separation of the self from the experience begins. The self begins to emerge as individual and as one. It happens naturally as the self begins to take its rightful place within you - peaceful, powerful, in harmony, complete. This separation is not painful at all because the self yearns for this freedom and recognition. It is actually a relief. And the more that the self is identified and centered, the more that you will see that you are not your experiences and that all along you have existed as I, the great "I am".

Most people had good parents and they are not even aware that this "I am" exists separate from their life experiences. It doesn't mean there are no disappointments and pain in life.

The past is over and has no power over you now. It is but a memory. If you continue to think that the past has control over you and that it is reality today - you are living but a dream. It is not your past that is making decisions, you are. It is not your past that is making choices, you are. It is not your past that is breathing, you are.

It sounds like you have a lot of pain and anger that has remained unresolved and that you need to talk about. If not therapy, then can you read on your own to find a new perspective? Can you take any classes? Seminars? Is there anyone you feel you can trust and talk with? You seem to realize that you need to move on and make some changes. You have several solutions available. May you find divine guidance in all that you do. Bless you.