[ImNiceMIL]

To synnnen... in answer to your response. This isn't a question of who has the last say in raising children. I know the facts. I was allowed to raised my son and make my own decisions. They will be allowed to raise their child without interference by us. My son was raised with the values for equal love and attention to all grandparents--even step grandparents! However, there are far too many parents of the groom/husband who are being shunned from their sons lives. So, if it is a problem for my son it is also a problem for MANY sons. It's like we have had to completely let go of any relationship we ever had with our child... it's like death. Do you think that the son's parents have any less feelings for their sons than the parents of the daughter? So, why is it that DILs just can snubbed their husband's parents but the wife's parents are honored and loved and brought into the marital fold? Yes, the sons should stand up but they want to keep peace in the family and go along with their new family because of how they were raised to respect others. After all, if the DIL gets upset then her mother takes it out on the son and then sisters step in and make life miserable. It's like a castration process by the women of her family. I've been at the receiving end of her unreasonableness. DILs who only want their family just get their way without any consideration for the husbands family. And, society promotes this mental sickness by calling the MIL toxic and suggesting from the start to place BIG limits on the husband's parents relationships. This is a mentally sick thought process that is becoming prevalent in our society. Parents sitting on the sidelines waiting to be called in and treated no better than the neighbor across the street. If I had a daughter and she were treating her MIL this way, I would be having a conversation with her about the importance of these people in their children's lives. But, I don't have a daughter.. I have just my son.

[Synnen]

Just want you to know that my mother HAD the toxic mother in law. My grandmother was CRUEL to my mother--and my dad didn't stand up for her, because he didn't want to lose his mother.

We spent more time with my mother's mother than my father's mother, definitely. But that was because WE, the children, did not like our paternal grandmother saying bad things about our mother. My mother always gave us the choice about who to spend time with, and my paternal grandmother was always too bitter about my father being "trapped" into marriage to remember that my mother was still the mother of her grandchildren.

I think there is fault on BOTH sides. Have you welcomed your daughter in law as you would a daughter? Have you stood up for her to other people. Have you seen her side of things and not just your son's side? Have you gone OUT OF YOUR WAY to invite her to things and to make her feel welcome, or to include her in your traditions? Have you adjusted to HER traditions gracefully, or have you been snotty about it? When you see something she might do easier a different way---HOW do you point it out? Are you really making it sound like it might be easier for her to do it "your" way, or are you making HER way sound silly or stupid?

I have the world's best mother in law. I'd do anything for her, because I know she'd do the same for me. My FATHER in law is a different story altogether. He makes the same snide comments that I hear other women complaining about their mother-in-laws making. He refuses to follow rules set up for the kids, and breaks them at every opportunity. He also refuses to deal with the kids when they get cranky, or his way of dealing with them is to give in to them, so that there has to be re-training of how "nice" people behave or of what the REAL rules are when they get home.

He'd say, though, that he was a model father in law and a terrific grandfather.

I suggest the women (and men!) that think they're the innocent party and are being shunned and left out of their grandchildrens' lives take a good hard look at how they treat their grandchildrens' parents.

[ImNiceMIL]

Oh, thanks for responding again and I do appreciate your straightforward questions. I am truly not a snotty person and my husband is a very loving man who does not interfere or inject his opinions. I was looking forward to having a beautiful DIL and enjoyed shopping and giving special gifts for holidays. Gifts were given with the idea that she could return them if she didn't like them and I shopped at her favorite stores so they would be the type of clothing she wanted. On the other hand, she has come off with my family as judgmental and demanding and just inhospitable toward them. They had travelled some distance to the wedding. These are adult children. They built their own home and really have no need for parents to help them. On moving day, we asked if we could help move them as it was a special day. We bought everyone breakfast and proceeded to help move them. Since it was their home, I helped where I could. Her mother set up her beds and kitchen up and I just took my direction where needed. We have been invited twice in over 2 years to their home to be entertained with their parents but never invited with just the 4 of us. Each week her parents stop in for Sunday coffee. I have mentioned to my son several times that it would be nice to be able to stop in for a few hours too. We live 35 minutes away and have called when we were in the area and have been told that they were too busy. Giving advice? We haven't been asked nor have we given advice. With my family all out of town and my husband's family who do not get together very often, it is hard to compete with the DILs family who are young and have lots of informal get togethers. She is just not interested in our family. She will only do the "duty" things and for a very short span of time... she is very controllling and my son goes along with it. It's very hurtful.

[hoofy]

I understand the hurt and frustration that you are experiencing. I am the mother of three adult sons and have had a similar situation with my oldest sons wife. She is very much a "grudge" holder and seems to look for any and every way possible to "control". It seems that maybe being the "sons" mother rather than the "girls" mother has a lot to do with problems. We settled on being "Grammy" and "Papa". The DIL calls the shots on visitation (they are 3 1/2 hours away) and often times leaves when we are coming for a visit. In our day, this was known as "rude". She seizes the opportunity to go to visit an Aunt in a neighboring town. After 10 years, our son and DIL have given us three delightful grandchildren. It is hard to bond with the kids as much as we would like because our son and DIL have peculiar rules pertaining to the kids. For example, no cartoon characters on toys or clothing, no toy guns (until about a year ago), only certain toys with safety features can be given as gifts and all gifts must have prior approval. Contributions to college funds are always permissible :-) My husband is a retired teacher of 35 years and I raised three sons so we aren't exactly clueless when it comes to appropriateness. Anyway, good luck and at least your son hasn't started to be more like the DIL !

[Synnen]

The original post was from TWO YEARS AGO.

I doubt she's going to come back and read your experience at this point.