[flow_girl]

Hey guys and girls

My parents are so over-protective and I don't know what to do about it. I'm 19 and I still have to tell my parents exactly where I'm going, what I'm doing, who I'm with and what time I'll be back. Every time I come home they hassle me. From my career, my job to my boyfriend. Basically at the moment it seems I can do nothing right.

I don't know for myself what I want to do at uni and I feel as though their forcing me to make my mind up now. Its harder when their pressuring me to do law when its something I don't know if I want to do anymore.

When it comes to my boyfriend they don't want anything to do with him. They have sent the cops after him, send him daily sms and treat him like crap. Yes his past isn't so good, two assault charges and speeding fines but that was his past. Who he was 5-6 yrs ago. Regardless of that, I should be able to have a relationship with my boyfriend on my own, whether it works out or not. I should be able to have a relationship with him, without other people getting involved. Im embarrassed about the situation, especially when I'm in bed next to my boy at the time mum sends him a text. When he asks why my parents hate him, its emabrassing, akward.

Not only emabrassing but I feel frustrated as well. I feel frustrated and hurt. It hurts even more when my twin sisters boyfriend is allowed to come over. He comes over all the time and has has slept the last 2 nights in her room which is 1m away from mine. That she can have her man over without any fuss even though he too isn't perfect but I cant. I feel as though my parents single me out and its to the point now, where I feel as though I have to choose.. Matt or them.

So please I need advice on what to do. I've tried talking to my parents about the situation but it gets me nowhere. I don't want my relationship to end with them but already I feel uncomfortable when at home, like I don't belong anymore.

[NowWhat]

You are an adult now. If you feel like you need independence then take it. Move out of their home - pay your own bills, etc. Then you have a say on what you do. They are probably paying for school right? You could get student loans and send yourself to school.

Your parents love you and want what is best for you. You may not see that right now, but what they are doing is coming from a place of love.
Have you tried to sit down and talk to them? Let them know how this is making you feel?
Try that - you are not 10 years old anymore - you're 19, step up and have an adult conversation - they may respect you for it.

[danielnoahsmommy]

When I was your age I was in the same place. Too be honest I now kbow because of them, I went further in my education, made better choices , no pregnancies and they always looked out for my best interest. They love you. Sadley to say not many parents today give a damn about there children. I do agree to move out on your own, build some independence. When you are a little older you can look back and say to your parents I love you too.

[Fr_Chuck]

Of course you don't have to, merely move out on your own, and you will not have Or try working out an arrangement where you pay them rent and just don't tell them.

[talaniman]

Their house
Their rules
If your not happy live on your own, and be independent.

[jstrike]

From a parents perspective letting go of a child is one of the hardest things we have to do, especially when it's the oldest child. We tend see our children's successes and failures as a reflection of our parenting skills. It's not right, it's just the way it is. As NowWhat stated we love our kids and want what's best for them and it's very difficult to watch them make mistakes we know they can avoid. But that you have to be allowed to mess up, that's the only way you are going to learn. Listen to what they have to say, respect them and take their advice seriously but in the end you need to make your own choices. You obviously love them and are tying to do right by them and that's great but tell them that the decisions that you make are yours, the mistakes you make are yours and the successes you have are yours. That's the only way you are going to grow self-confident. It may be difficult moving out on your own but I can assure you that you will end up a stronger person for it.

As for the boyfriend, they don't see those charges as happening 5-6 years ago... they see someone with two assault charges dating their little girl. They see you getting close to someone who could potentially hurt you. I'm by no means advocating their behavior towards them but they need to try to make an attempt to get to know him. About the hardest thing I ever had to do when I was your age was to get my girlfriend's father to like me... it took a very long time, she's been my wife for 18 years now and sometimes I still wonder... lol. Actually I have a decent relationship with my in-laws but it took a very long time, they were very much like your parents. She was also in law when we met and switched over to education while we were dating... I got blamed for that and a few other things as well when she started to exert her independence.

(Sorry for the long winded post... )

[KimmieC]

Dealing with over-protective parents is very hard.. I should know because I had to tell my mom I needed to spread my wings and fly... just be honest with and they will thank you for being honest.Honesty is the best policy. Just be adult about it.

[Lacey5765]

OK here it is from a parent of a 19 yo daughter. Your parents love you and although we know we can't, we try to protect you from every harmful thing. The best advice I can give is prove you are making responsible decisions. Talk with your parents about your boyfriends past so they know you are fully aware and what changes he has made since them. Reassure them you aren't dropping out of school but may want to explore other careers and let them no what you are thinking about and how you have come to think about that career. Show them you have investigated it and aren't being careless. I to ask my daughter where she is going and when she will return. Not because I don't trust her but I do genuienly worry for her. Just watch the news today( 18 yo abducted and killed at a Target) She lets me know where she is and wakes me when she gets home. Remember if you are the oldest your parents are just as inexerperienced as you about this. We don't know how to let go. We have held on for 19 years, letting go may take a little while.

[froggy7]

I have to say, if my daughter was dating someone with TWO assault charges, I'd be worried too. One, I might be able to handle, if he could convince me of what's changed between then and now. But two... you do realize that that means he physically attacked someone, severely enough that they decided to get the police involved, and with enough evidence that he could be convicted? And he's done it twice? That's something you seriously want to take a look at. Also, be aware that even if he's changed, that record is going to follow him (and you, if you stay with him) around. For example, let's say you want to get an apartment together. If it's a felony conviction, which I'm pretty sure assault is, most apartment companies won't even bother showing you the unit, because they won't rent to a convicted felon. It's going to make it hard for him to get a good paying job, etc. Consider all of these factors when you decide whether this is the guy for you.

And then, as many other people have said, if you want more freedom, take on the responsibilities as well. Move out, and then you will only have to deal with your family's disapproval, but not their rules.

[flow_girl]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I did sit down with my parents the other day and told them how I felt, what I was thinking. They now realise where I'm coming from and myself too, I realsie where their coming from as well. We have now come to an agreement and so far its working.

[Lacey5765]

Glad to hear it! The more you act like a mature adult, the easier it is for us parents to treat you that way. Good luck. Remember us parents were actually 19 once (some longer ago than others)! And we really want our children to be happy.