[shatteredsoul]

I cannot take it anymore, this existence is filled with so much pain. I really don't get it. Look at all of us reaching out to anyone to help us take it away or make it better. Does the heart breaking sorrow we feel lead us to new levels of our capacity to give and receive love? Or is it just to test us and see what we are really capable of dealing with? I believe that everything and everyone lives on.. but do they see that our pain lives on? Do they see how we struggle alone without those that have died? Is it in vain to mourn and grieve for ourselves?? They are all in a better place, but we are still here WHY?! :confused:

[Lacey5765]

Shattered, bad day? We all have them. You can't be healed all at once. I honestly hope that once they leave here they can't feel or see our pain. I of course don't know this but think about this- they are in the Spirit World with other family and friends and this is a glorious place so how can they feel pain? If they could see or feel the depth of our pain they couldn't be happy either. Doesn't sound like the heaven I am working to get to. WE do grieve and yes it is for our loss not theirs. THey now have a fuller understaning of life and pain. They can see "the whole picture" while we can only see now. I think maybe they can sense are sadness to some degree but again I would hate to think that because of my limited understanding, I could cause them pain and anguish when there is really nothing they can do about it. They know what we don't- why the suffering and what we are meant to learn by it. I can see by your previous posts that you have learned a lot from your experience and others have learned from you. So is it in vain? NO. But is it easy? NO NO NO. It will get easier but will continue to take time. SOme good days, some bad. WE are here for you.

[J_9]

Shattered,

I have been reading your other thread and just saw this. Let me start by saying that you are grieving and that is normal. However, your grief seems to run so deeply. I think it may be time that you seek out a grief counselor.

We all have loss, we suffer greatly. I myself am 650 miles from my home to stay with my mother as we watch my father die a miserable death. Yet I know that this is the circle of life, whether taken away tragically or peacefully, we must go on. We must endure.

We all have to go through the processes of grieving, however, if it becomes unbearable and begins to crush our daily existence, it is time to turn it over to a professional who can help us deal constructively.

I am afraid that you have fallen so deep into your grief that, if it has not already, it will ruin your marriage and your family. I know that if my husband so openly grieved a woman who he almost had an affair with it would ruin me and my marriage.

Please seek some professional help on Monday. Yes, we all have bad days, but when they increase in number and intensity we need to seek help. Please get some help to overcome this lonely existence you are in.

[startover22]

J_9 has a good point here. Talking to someone that is a professional will help. Although you have every right to grieve, there are still people out there (for very good reasons) that cannot understand why it is hitting you so hard. It might make a serious situation for your family and friendships! I really think it is time you take this a step further. I am sending all the hugs in the world to you, except the ones I gave J_9 for her pain.

[shatteredsoul]

I understand what you are saying, but this isn't just about Myke. In the fifteen years I have been with my husband he has been number one. I have had no other desires or attractions to men. I have never wanted or thought about doing anything. I didn't even think I really wanted to do something with Myke until he died. Before that, I didn't even analyze my feelings and I kept it on a friendly, appropriate level. I entertained all of the feelings on these posts after I knew he was gone. The friend I had all of a sudden had so much more meaning. Last February, my husband's father got ill. I have always been very close to him and he has been like a father to me. The hospital he was in was horrible. His older son knew it wasn't good, at took him there anyway because it was so close to the house. He ended up declining quickly and while he was in there, his other son and his wife sold his house. (They lived with him and they had been thinking of moving) At any other time this would have been appropriate. Not when someone is so sick in the hospital that they may die. He wanted to go home to his room and they said no, we are selling the house and closing next week and we are moving out of state. I was so heart broken at their thoughtlessness and selfishness. Especially for a man who worked his whole life to support his family and his home. Anyway, they told me that pop was our responsibility and that they were done. I decided to fight with his HMO to get him transferred out of there to a better facility. I fought with the chief of nursing and his primary care physician and told them he will be moved immediately. They got him out and over to a better hospital where in 48 hours they diagnosed him with stage 4 cancer. The other hospital said there was no cancer cell growth. He was starting to deteriorate. WEll, I knew he didn't want to be there so every day I visited I asked him, what do you want to do? He had shattered his knee in the other hospital and they thought it needed surgery also. The hospital said they weren't equipped to deal with his level of cancer so they did the knee surgery and had him discharged. My sister in law told them that he had no home to go home to and had him transferred to a rehab. I wasn't there when that happened and I was furious. Who did she think she was? Why not delay the closing? Or rent the house for a month or two so he could go home? She wouldn't even consider it. Selfish Selfish woman. He had spent the last five years of his life helping her care for her children. Since they lived with him he was with them a lot. She had him babysit and go grocery shopping and go with her to the doctors with the kids. MY one niece has downs syndrome (but is very high functioning) and my sister in law used that to keep him at her beckon call. I never thought she would betray him. I btought him home to our house on hospice I thought I could help him he died in our home two weeks later.

[shatteredsoul]

The point is, I have experienced loss and tragedy with people I love. I have been able to get through it and it has been extremely difficult. I didn't know how much resentment I had against my brother and sister in law until this last death. This is for me to get through I know the lessons are hard but necessary. I am just not always strong enough to keep losing those that I love and care about. I don't know about you but I feel like I appear so vulnerable and weak. Therapy wasn't necessary with Pop's death, why should it be now? To do that seems very childish. I feel childish and reaching out to you guys may be too. I know start and some others have been with me from the beginning, but how long will they have the patience to keep picking me up off the floor. I feel like a burden, which is why I usually deal with stuff myself. I have really been so open and honest here and yet I am still hiding from everyone else. I thought I was stronger than I am. These deaths have shown me I have so much to learn and do. I am just so tired...

[startover22]

Oh shattered, you are not a burden, we all love it here, it is our "therapy" I think we are just worried because these things you are going through are very hard to deal with. We worry that we might not be what you need to go on. Not saying that you can't come here any time you want, we love you!

[shatteredsoul]

You have been exactly what I need to move on, I was meant to find this site and all of you on it. I appreciate all the heartfelt advice. LOVE YA TOOOO!!

[shatteredsoul]

Thanks man! I am trying to stop apologizing for how I feel or what I say. It is what it is, right? I like that analogy of me being a bright little light. I am warmed by just the thought of it!! Your are like the mockingbird with always a joyful song or praise to share with everyone. You find goodness in any bad situation, that is truly a magnificent thing!

[shatteredsoul]

I miss Myke I miss Myke I miss Myke and everything I wrote about him is gone. I can't ever see what I wrote. I knew I should've just kept a journal instead. I let the whole world see my pain and anguish over realizing how much I cared about him after he is dead and now everything I wrote has disappeared. I cannot believe this. All of the feelings are so private, especially because of my situation. He wasn't my father or boyfriend, he was a friend and I am married. This was the place to let it all out and just to have it vanish, really disturbs me. The loss of him has been unbearable, grieving and sharing with you has helped me not to go off the deep end. Why would all of my feelings and your advice be taken off here. It is not fair to me or to my memory of what I had with Myke. It helped to frame what we had (or didn't). I have worked through so many emotions that I wouldn't have otherwise. My heart is still aching for him and I still think about him constantly, this was a place of refuge to think about and now I don't know what to think.

[J_9]

I am so sorry your thread is gone. I searched and searched to no avail.

Now, let me reiterate. You need professional help.

Everyone here has been so good to you and helped you as much as one can. But it is time for us to take the kid gloves off. You need to face reality now. I am sorry this sounds so harsh, but you need to hear it.

You are not getting any better, as a matter of fact, I see you spiraling downward. Please, please, please, for the love of your husband and children join a grief support group and get some professional counseling.

Do you not realize that ths is going to ruin your marriage? Do you not realize how you are probably affecting your relationship?

Hun, I don't know what happened to your thread, I will look into it, and find out who deleted it. It could only be one of the moderators, and I know it wasn't me. I don't know why it was deleted, but it was.

Now, please get some help.

[shatteredsoul]

Either way it is maddening to think you can come here to get advice and help and then have your own thoughts and feelings just deleted like they never even existed. I guess my trip here is done. I have had many wonderful people reach out to me and made my soul searching go much deeper. That is a good thing. This is therapy, just no one is getting paid for their advice. I don't need a professional to tell me what everyone here already has. I have learned to function with my grief while I still feel it almost every second. Oh and to those that pushed me away, it is your own fears that did that. Not me. People can be oh so cruel, they use you for their own reasons and caste you aside. I never do that, to anyone. So to caste me aside now, that really hurts

[startover22]

I can't find it either Shattered. All I can think of is that maybe this thread was almost like your other thread and they wanted you to only have one?? Or we were steering off course from the original?? I don't know but I am sorry it was all lonst! I liked to look back too and see what we said in the beginning to the end... Sorry, I really am...

[J_9]

Bascially because the two threads were almost identical the original one was deleted because it was becoming too long and it was beginning to get "nasty"

I am sorry that it was deleted, but each thread only has so much storage space before it is closed or deleted.

Yes, Shattered, this may have been very therapeutic for you, I am sure of that, however, your grief is much deeper than any of us can really help you with. Believe me, I am dealing with my own grief right now watching my father die a slow and painful death. So, I do know where you are coming from. I also had a loved on pass a terrible quick death in a motorcycle accident years ago.

I am not casting you aside, but wishing you get deeper help so that you can go through the grieving process in a more quick fashion.

[startover22]

Yes, I agree, but I wasn't aware that it was getting nasty. Maybe a little off course, unless I missed something last night? Anyway back to you Shattered, you know what you wrote, we know what you wrote, it is kind of hard to forget words like those. J_9 has a point. Better help miht make the pain go a little faster. Doesn't mean you have to forget.

[shatteredsoul]

I have said nothing on here that was nasty that I am aware of. Maybe honest or open but not nasty. I don't know if you read it to the end, but it was all about pain and loss from beginning to end. Maybe it changed course a little, but they could have given me some warning or deleted the others. I have seen people respond to the most ridiculous posts and they stay on here. Whatever it doesn't matter. My experience here can never be deleted and what I shared with all of you will stay with me forever. I hope the intent of my feelings won't be forgotten. All I have wanted was to be true to my experience and be honest to my pain. I didn't have another outlet for that. J_9, I watched my father in law die in front of me, in my home on hospice. He was the strongest man I ever knew. I tried to save him and I couldn't. I struggled with that loss as I do this one and the loss of my friend's husband. I deal with it in a way that seems too intense and real for many people. I try to put on here what is truly going on within me, not just words to express. Maybe that is not what this is for. I have to start talking to myself I guess.

[startover22]

Hey Shattered, we can delete this one and go on to something else, like a chit chat post or something. Then we won't have to have a certain subject... J_9 I think not only shattered but we all need therapy, I doubt she will go get it because she is feeling better by being here. I get that same sense when I read her posts, she really lets it ALL out. It sounds very DEEP and that is rare with many other posters. I really like the fact that she has the ability to let it ALL out like that!

[shatteredsoul]

You have no idea how much your perspective means to me. You understand me and know everything so I don't have to explain myself. Thank you for seeing me, and my soul. I don't know really how to chat. (you can explain to me later if you want) My original post was the first time I had ever been in any kind of chat room, or website or whatever. I have felt you reaching out to me whenever I start to fall apart. That hand goes beyond this limited experience of connecting. You appreciating the depth of my feelings. just knowing this makes me feel that much more validated. I definitely don't want the shopping cart or the pigeons, but every time I see someone wandering alone on the street, I take a second look. I try to smile at them or wave, if they are paying attention. Sometimes they are and other times I realize their pain and isolation is so deep, they can't see beyond it. My being here is to prevent feeling isolated from all the emotions that have swept over me. I am no better than those people, I am just blessed to have some angels paying attention to me. You are one of them, and more because you don't even realize that is what you are. YOu are so open to embracing new ideas and perspectives. YOu try to give love so freely and that love has definitely penetrated my pain. Thanks for believing in me, even though I seem to give the wrong impression with my words. I just want to be a good person.

[startover22]

It is not the wrong impression. It is the HUGE impression that some times gets taken the wrong way! I do the same thing with the people in the streets. I take that double take and think really hard. Shattered I think you are going to be fine. Chit chat would have been the subject in a new post. This is my first time on anything like this too. I don't know how to go to a chat room, that was just a figure of speech. So off to a new subject and we can both unsubscribe from this one... Push the button Shattered! I will too

[shatteredsoul]

You are so right, here we go...