[lost_sheep]

Right now life is bad. No friends, no family. It's just me and my kids. No home, no income, just bad. I want so bad to just die. But I know if I do my kids will suffer the life I had to endure in foster care. And what's worse I'm jealous of people like andrea yates (right now) she did something I could never do. But yet I feel no hope. Where do I find hope? How do I find hope? I know I'm not the only one who has ever felt like this, but how do I find hope?

[1badchoice]

I'm so sorry your hurting so much. I am glad that you chose to write at least. You are not alone... which you already know. Many people hurt and want to "end" things. I too can understand how you feel envious of women who have taken steps. I used to hear of people who committed suicide and wish that had been me. The thing is... time went by... things changed... and my thoughts/feelings changed. Often the only thing keeping me from hurting myself was my children. If that keeps you from doing something... good. Your kids will never have another mother. They also deserve a chance to live, experience things, love, grow. Sometimes you can only find hope one moment to the next... one day to the next. I don't know much about your situation other than your feelings so I don't really know how to direct you but I do know that sometimes just knowing your not alone, that people care, and that things will change helps. Please don't hurt yourself or your kids. If you want to talk... I would be more than happy to listen. Keep writing. Talk to someone... anyone. If you feel truly unsafe... call 911. There are places/people that will help. I have been there... it is a very big step but it may be what you really need to do right now. Hang in there. Cathy

[Auttajasi]

Lost Sheep:
From your post, I found several things that are very comforting to me and show me that, though you are having a down time right now, you are probably a very healthy person emotionally.
When people feel really depressed, almost everything becomes a possibility. Suicide, homocide. Few people plan on doing things like Yates did. She suffered from depression so bad that she became delusional. You on the other hand, know that suicide is not an option because you love your kids so much. Make it one of you life goals to focus on providing a better life than what you had. This is very powerful.
Secondly, you realize that you could never do something like what Yates did. You should be very happy about this. Be proud. No matter how bad things get, you will never do it. Depression can be very, very debilitating. Suicide is the 3rd leading cause of death by the way ages 15-34. This is because life becomes just too much when we are depressed and we feel that there is no hope. You will find hope as you take care of yourself and your kids. You may also find hope in religion if that is your thing. If it isn't, you can find hope living your life in a way you feel is your purpose.
I can feel that you are such a strong person.
Depression comes and goes. It seems to be a part of everyone's lives.
It is a time of soul searching. It is a time to remember the truly important things in our lives. It is a time when it is so important to try to focus on being happy. Take a look at your life and make a list of situations where you are not depressed or hopeless. What thoughts do you have during these happy times? Also make a list of situations where you feel hopeless. What are you thoughts during these times?
The key is to increase happy thoughts and decrease unhappy thoughts. Try to be positive. I know, it is very hard, but it is necessary.
Please keep us posted on how you are feeling, and if you feel like it, post for us the things in your life that make you really happy. Force yourself to come up with a big list.
Take care and stay in touch.