[lovelyrita]

I'm only 21, I'm pretty, I've got a bubbly personality and I'm humble and love to love people.. then somethinig happened. About two weeks ago I started to feel depressed. I mean, I've suffered from depression before and came out of it, but this time its different. For example, last night I cried and cried to my boyfriend on our couch about god knows what, just sobbing, hurting... physically mentally and emotionally... then today at work towards the end of my shift a co-worker and I got into a lengthy conversation about some bad things that have happened to us, and I flipped out. I started shaking, couldn't focus, got nervous almost, I actually ended up just leaving... I'm surprised I made it home I was almost afraid to drive. I scared myself. Now that I think about it, I don't go out with friends, I'm scared of getting a new job because... well I'm scared of people these days.. I consistently bother my boyfriend with throbbing questions like "do you love me REALLY?" "More than anyone EVER?" or "are you sure?"... Im pushing him away with all this craziness and I don't know how to stop it? We've been together for 9 months! And he's committed and faithful and I know it but my head won't leave me alone. I can't sleep right now because when I lay down I think all these bull*(*%( thoughts and they won't leave me. I don't want to kill myself but sometimes these thoughts race through my head like... "what the hell am i here for, i suck at life, im no good"... and I don't even mean to think them. Ive gone nuts. I need help. Im going to lose the little I have... which is my boyfriend and my apartment, if I don't get this figured out. Please help me I'm so %$& down and I don't want to be anymore.

Im going to add something. Ive done research on all my symptoms and it comes down to this. I have borderline personality disorder, meaning this...
And it scares me. A lot.




Intense unstable relationships in which the borderline always ends up getting hurt. Gunderson admits that this symptom is somewhat general, but considers it so central to BPD that he says he would hesitate to diagnose a patient as BPD without its presence.
Repetitive self-destructive behavior, often designed to prompt rescue.
Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others.
Hypersensitivity, meaning an unusual sensitivity to nonverbal communication. Gunderson notes that this can be confused with distortion if practitioners are not careful (somewhat similar to Herman's statement that, while survivors of intense long-term trauma may have unrealistic notions of the power realities of the situation they were in, their notions are likely to be closer to reality than the therapist might think).
Impulsive behaviors that often embarrass the borderline later.
Poor social adaptation: in a way, borderlines tend not to know or understand the rules regarding performance in job and academic settings.




BUT WHAT DO I DO WITH NO $ OR INSURANCE. I'm a freakin waitress.

[Lacey5765]

Seek professional counseling. Is it posssible that you have had some trauma in the past that you are trying to deal with now? It could be any number of things and I don't want to frighten you but some can be serious. Please see a therapist or Psychiatrist. IF you don't have insurance or your insurance doesn't pay there are community mental health centers. SInce it is effecting more than one area of your life you need help in finding out what is causing these feelings. DOn't be afraid or embarrassed by it. Seek outside help. Good luck and keep us posted.

[lovelyrita]

My best friend killed herself a couple years ago. She hung herself. Ive grieved and hopefully gotten over it. But she had borderline personality disorder. And I believe I do to. I suffer all the symptoms and charactaristics. Its scary because its really hard to deal with. Before she died we used to cut. Together. Its weird and scary, I'm just being honest because I really want to right now but I won't because I don't want to hurt my boyfriend and its embarrassing enough. I think tomorrow, if I can get out of bed. Im going to find a doctor.. a free one. This is ridiculous.

[Lacey5765]

I am proud of you! You can do it. I know how difficult it is to get out when you are feeling this way but this is the first step. I see cutters, and most have had some pretty bad things that have happened to them. I have a feeling there is more to your story. That really doesn't matter today though. Take the first step, as scary as it is. If you can't do it for yourself yet, do it for your boyfriend. He sounds like a good motivation for you. Let me know how your appointment goes.

[rachelC]

Hey. If you really want to keep the love of your life, you have to stop this childish behavior. If you keep on asking him do you love me do you love me, soon he will get sick of it and leave you. You're leaning on him too much, you need to learn to love yourself and learn to stand on your own two feet before engaging in a relationship. The best advice I can give you right now is to explore new things and work on your hobbies and just have fun for a week. Write your feelings down in a journal, talk to a friend, calm yourself down. You're probably very anxious and have anxiety problems. From the way you wrote, you sound like your in a hurry to get somewhere ,if that makes sense. Just relax for about aweek and see how things go. Don't stress yourself out, if anything stressful happens at work or with your boyfriend, take a deep breath, walk away and come back to it when you feel more stable to deal with the problem.maybe even write the person a note or something instead of speaking to them directly. Hope this helps.

Oh,and yes going to free counseling should help.

[steviebeezie]

Listen, you have depression. Not BPD. Well, I shouldn't say that, I don't know you, but just based on what you've written, you're describing panic attacks and depression, which often cause insecurity in relationships. You've left a huge chunk out of the DSM IV diagnostic criteria. Just because you have some of the symptoms doesn't mean you are BPD. I hate to say it, but one of the worst things about the internet is the availability of psychological information for people who aren't qualified to make diagnoses (including me.)

Now, as everyone has stated, you can find free counseling, and your doctor can prescribe you anti-depressants based on what you've gotten out of therapy. What you are feeling is totally normal--you have a chemical imbalance. It sucks, but you can get through this. Everyone has given good advice here--don't act the way your bad feelings are making you want to act, and please, get some help! Good luck to you! Depression hurts a lot, but you can get past it!

[Sunshine2]

im only 21, im pretty, ive got a bubbly personality and im humble and love to love people.. then somethinig happened. About two weeks ago I started to feel depressed. I mean, ive suffered from depression before and came out of it, but this time its different. For example, last night I cried and cried to my boyfriend on our couch about god knows what, just sobbing, hurting...physically mentally and emotionally... then today at work towards the end of my shift a co-worker and i got into a lengthy conversation about some bad things that have happened to us, and i flipped out. I started shaking, couldnt focus, got nervous almost, I actually ended up just leaving..... im suprised i made it home i was almost afraid to drive. I scared myself. Now that I think about it, I dont go out with friends, im scared of getting a new job because... well im scared of people these days.. i consistantly bother my boyfriend with throbbing questions like "do you love me REALLY?" "More than anyone EVER?" or "are you sure?" ... Im pushing him away with all this craziness and i dont know how to stop it? Weve been together for 9 months! And he's commited and faithful and i know it but my head wont leave me alone. I can't sleep right now because when I lay down i think all these bull*(*%( thoughts and they wont leave me. I dont want to kill myself but sometimes these thoughts race through my head like... "what the hell am i here for, i suck at life, im no good" ... and I dont even mean to think them. Ive gone nuts. I need help. Im going to lose the little I have... which is my boyfriend and my apartment, if i dont get this figured out. please help me im so %$& down and I dont want to be anymore.

Im going to add something. Ive done research on all my symptoms and it comes down to this. I have borderline personality disorder, meaning this...
and it scares me. ALOT.




Intense unstable relationships in which the borderline always ends up getting hurt. Gunderson admits that this symptom is somewhat general, but considers it so central to BPD that he says he would hesitate to diagnose a patient as BPD without its presence.
Repetitive self-destructive behavior, often designed to prompt rescue.
Chronic fear of abandonment and panic when forced to be alone.
Distorted thoughts/perceptions, particularly in terms of relationships and interactions with others.
Hypersensitivity, meaning an unusual sensitivity to nonverbal communication. Gunderson notes that this can be confused with distortion if practitioners are not careful (somewhat similar to Herman's statement that, while survivors of intense long-term trauma may have unrealistic notions of the power realities of the situation they were in, their notions are likely to be closer to reality than the therapist might think).
Impulsive behaviors that often embarrass the borderline later.
Poor social adaptation: in a way, borderlines tend not to know or understand the rules regarding performance in job and academic settings.




BUT WHAT DO I DO WITH NO $ OR INSURANCE. im a freakin waitress.

I have not been on here for awhile, I do not know where you are at as far as life goes. It sounds like you might have BPD, which is not the end of the world, unless you do not deal with it, meaning therapy and medication. Find your local menatl health center and find someone to talk to on a sliding scale. They can properly diagnose you with whatever the problem is. Better to find out now than later. And for the people out there who say, Just quit acting that way, maybe you need to do your research. Mental illness affects the brain, which is an organ in the body, just like the heart. Just because it is in your brain, does not mean it is not real. Hope that helps.