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LauraFS · May 22, 2007, 02:15 PM

I am the step-parent of an 18 year old handicapped child who is not bathroom trained, has aggressive tendencies, and other behavioral issues that I am having increasing trouble coping with. The child's mother has primary custody of the child and his father and I have a regular visitation schedule. Due to the demands of his father's job, I am left to watch the child more and more. His mother's outlook is that during his father's scheduled visits, it's his 'problem' to find someone to watch him. That ends up being me. As the child, who is no longer a child, has gotten older, he has gotten stronger and his aggressive outbursts are harder to manage. I also am having a hard time cleaning him after he messes himself - I have tried everything I can think of to toilet train him, and speak with his teachers regularly. This is just a little, but I am at my wit's end and becoming more and more resentful towards my step-son and my husband. My husband refuses to address it with his ex as she can be impossible. So, how long does the custody
Order that we originally had in place pertain to a handicapped child and what resources can I seek to help me deal with my feelings of guilt and resentment as well as find some services to help manage his behaviors?

startover22 · May 22, 2007, 02:27 PM

I think that before your resentment gets any worse towards your husband and his son, you should seek out some professional help. It is not his fault that he is in constant need. Your husband should never be in the position to chose between you or his son. I would hope he could chose his son. Have your husband and ex wife ever thought about assisted living for him? That is where every one gets their own room and they learn how to live on their own so they can learn to "wipe", shower, and even cook on their own. How would they feel about that? Go see someone about this. There must be more options than just getting upset over this! Good luck.

J_9 · May 22, 2007, 02:44 PM

Before I answer this I would like to know what the specific handicap is as each is very different and each situation with each handicap is different. We cannot in good faith give a general answer to this question, aside from you seeking professional help, without knowing what the situation with the boy is.

For instance, the differece of a child with brain damage due to an accident is different than that of a child with cerebral palsy, or autism. So, to help answer better it would be better if you included the kind of handicap you are dealing with.

tickle · May 22, 2007, 02:51 PM

Dear Startover, I agree partially with your advice but assisted living cost money and unless there is government money available for disabled people (at any degree) in a community, or state (( don't know how it works down there), individuals can't afford the up keep.

Here in Ontario there are group homes for moderately disabled people, wheelchair bound or whatever, who are encouraged to live on their own up to a point. They are even encouraged to have relationships. These group homes are run by qualified individuals who, more or less, volunteer their time and the resources are funded by the community through donations, community money raising efforts. You can get the picture I am sure.

Then there are nursing homes. One still has to have the resources. So everyone is at a dead end.

I still don't believe this lady should be saddled with the nurse maid activities but that is basically what she is doing. Laura has to put her foot forward and search the net and try to find out what type of salvation there is out there. She is still between a rock and hard spot because she is not biologically related to her charge and has to refer to her husband or his ex for signing authority if and when she finds a way out.

J_9 · May 23, 2007, 06:46 AM

LauraFS agrees: My step-son has down-syndrome, with an abilities range from 18 months to 4 years on different levels.

I am sorry to hear this. I know how hard it is (I do have personal experience in this too).

Are you here in the states? If so, what state? I may be able to help with some support systems.

startover22 · May 23, 2007, 07:51 AM

LauraFS, I am so sorry I misunderstood. I really feel for you, I have had many friends in almost the same situation. I was just basing my answer on what they did. Since his handicap is different, it makes a big difference. I am proud of you for taking charge and wanting to get a handle on it! Hugs to you, and good luck!