[UpstateUpset]

Where to begin... My mother and I have a very, very difficult relationship.
I don't want to go through all the wounds but they are many and they are severe. Lots when I was a teen she was very abusive emotionally- if a boy would call she would say-" I hope you're on birth control. I tried make-up for the first time to told I looked like a whore to wash my face. She accused my friends of having STDs we were 12 yr olds in the 80s- she has always been offended by other women and threathened. And insults and attacks were
As an adult- I learned to speak generally about my life because she will discourage and quickly attack my plans. I refuse to allow her to know my salary because out of college after an interview for FT work she abdgered me over and over about how much I would be making I told her it was more than average for the industry and it matched the numbers I had going. She slammed her hands against the steering wheel pleading she wanted to make sure I accepted a good offer. I told her. She exhaled in disgust and remarked:
-it was more than she made and she'd been working for more than 20yrs.
-I get college and make more than her
-I had six months to get out of her house , but she preferred three
My mother has made very hurtful comments to me more as if she were trying to impress herself with her cold and cruel her comments rather than concerned with how damaging they could be

[tickle]

Is there any way you and she can sit down and have a good discussion, get most of it out in the open to get to the root of the problem ?

[Emland]

What is your question?

[UpstateUpset]

I have tried several times she gets very angry and yells, denies what she said or says she only said it once. I know she resents me I was very close to my father and grandmother (paternal) when I was little. I think she feels I took away the attention she got from them. She told me "you're not so special I could have done what you did. But I chose to be a mother you owe everything to me." There's a lot of resentment- a couple of weeks ago I told her one day she will leave this earth and it not my fault if have no relationship because I have tried and she refuses to accept any responsibility. It shook her up but she still gets these hostile moods 2 nights ago we went to a few stores a woman had a return. My mother made a scene of grunting rolling her eyes and crossing her arms right next to the woman. I kept a neutral but pleasant expression on my face and ignored my mother's acting out. Next, at the grocery store at first she went her own way then she came up to me with crossed arms stood in front of my wheelchair and frowned. She wouldn't speak until I asked her what was wrong- she said she was going to sit out front. Back at the car she stood with crossed and I looked at her and smiled -she yelled at me she was waiting for me to get out of the way so she could put my groceries in her backseat. I asked what was wrong it seemed something upset her and she ran fingers through her hair and yelled nothing I'm tired and want to eat. It is so complex - so many layers.

[tickle]

You are venting right now and that's good. She sounds really stressed. You are to close to the problem and not looking at it objectively. You need to get away for a awhile. That's the way I see it for now.

You two are too close emotionally.

[AW805]

I think you should seek counseling. Not that I think that there is something wrong with you but that you have endured years of emotional pain caused by your mother. There may come a time that you will need to disassociate yourself from her for your own mental health and emotional well being. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back and saying if this weren't my mother would I have a relationship with this person?

[UpstateUpset]

I think you should seek counseling. Not that I think that there is something wrong with you but that you have endured years of emotional pain caused by your mother. There may come a time that you will need to disassociate yourself from her for your own mental health and emotional well being. There is nothing wrong with taking a step back and saying if this weren't my mother would I have a relationship with this person?

Wow- Thank you so much for your advice- I actually told her that if she were not my mother, she is no one I'd associate with. I could say the same for my father/her ex-husband. I am going to seek counseling when I return to my life. Right now, I can't do the work living in the same house-there'd be fireworks. And she'd question me. Moving forward- I realize I must distance myself from my family- for my sake and the sake of the family I hope to have one day.