[Deeva]

I come from a strict background where your potential husband is approved by your family. During my younger years, I was not encouraged explore relationships, or have a boyfriend and be 'open' to the different types of personalities that one should experience before finding a suitable partner. Instead I settled for this guy who is my husband now as he fitted the "bill" and seemed a very nice guy. My parents and society was extremely happy. It was a calculated decision as that was what was expected from me.. I have been married for almost 7 years, being a just do your wife duties person, with a caring husband and loving in-laws. But I have realized that my husband doesn't understand me or is quite not in the same level of thinking as me. Most of the issues if ever attempted to be discussed ends up in ridiculous interpretation of what HE thinks rather that addressing the issue , so most of the time I brush things under the carpet rather than choosing to argue. Last year I have been exposed to what is called ' thinking about what makes me happy'.. and the world looks like a whole new different environment! I'm going out with friends more and taking dance classes and enjoying more. I discovered the real me and how I have suppressed so much of my emotions and personality by being in this marriage. However my husband doesn't approve of me hanging out with my male mates and occasionally coming home late at night -although it would be OK for a man to do so in my society. So I keep restricting myself..

I'm wondering if I have settled for less and if I am truly happy in my marriage? My husband is a wonderful man in the sense that he is caring and loving, but we cannot discuss or talk about any open minded issues which makes any discussions impossible.. I fear to be myself with my husband as there is an ideal of what a wife in my society should be like.. and that ideal is not me..

I then met this wonderful man at work who I could talk anything with , laugh with him and simply be myself.. I fell in love instantly - literally within 3 months.. its then that I wondered if I was truly happy.. after 6 months I decided that I needed to leave my marriage as I knew that I was never this happy.. but things took a twist in another direction! The man I was seeing turned out to be a commitment phobe! He ran away like a flash soon as I told him of my intensions.. I told him that I wasn't leaving for him; I was doing this for me. But I was expecting him to be by me and support me.. Is this too much to ask ? Anyway he disappeared on my birthday in December last year leaving me to feel miserable and depressed. I was lost and confused and betrayed as I was madly in love.. All I could do was miss him more and more.. He came back to me and wanted a relaxed relationship a month later.. I kept waiting and waiting and taking all the blame he placed on me saying I'm insecure, I'm hard work, etc.. Until another 5 months later I finally realized that he was just keeping me hanging and using my marriage as a perfect excuse to be in a non -committed relationship.. this happened only recently and I'm trying to get over this man..

My marriage in the meantime is suffering and I'm filled with all the guilt of wondering if I truly love my husband, was the affair because I truly loved the other guy ? My husband doesn't know if this affair and I know I have to work on my marriage to give it a chance, but is it too late because I don't love my husband? If I already felt so free and happy with myself with another, does that mean my marriage is at an end anyway? I think I'm scared of being alone.. is this the reason that I'm hanging on to my marriage? Or is it because I truly love my husband ? If yes , then how do you know what the reason is ? I have asked this question many times in my head but I cannot answer it?

I read that I should keep busy and do other things - but isn't this shying away from the actual problem? I read that commit phobes don't ever commit and there's no future there. Is this true ? Some of you may think that I'm silly to fall head over heals in love with a guy in 6 months and decide to leave a marriage, but believe me I know in my heart that I truly love this other guy. But maybe fell in love before I knew the whole of him.. I still love this other guy and I feel that to work on my marriage feels like my hearts not in it. If I leave my marriage so many people are going to get hurt.. am I making a mistake in doing so ? Im really confused and frustrated.. Life seems like it's a misery and huge mess.. Just want your opinion on the situation

[fix-what-you-broke]

You say you read that commitment phobes never commit.. im with one as we speak, in fact been with him for five years... it does happen,he was scared of moving in together (but now admits he loves it)... he was scared of marriage.. yet we have talked and he admitted its on his mind... so yes, I guess they can change if it is the right relationship, with the right person for them..
I think in a way you have already answered your own question. You sound to me like your mind is made up that you do not want to be married to your husband anymore,and yes people might get hurt if you leave him, but its your life you are living,you have to be happy.
The other guy doesn't sound like he is ready for a steady relationship, or maybe its because he doesn't want to be a rebound,maybe he wants you to get a divorce first.
Or, you could simply sit your husband down and tell him you need to have a serious talk to him, get everything out in the open, and see where it goes from there,you never know, he may be feeling the same way as you..

[JoeCanada76]

Ever hear of the grass is not always greener on the other side. This is exactly that. You thought it would be better with somebody else but you ended up in more turmoil. Your husband treats you properly, is loving and caring. Yet you felt the need, to have something more and something else which actually made your situation worse.

No matter what, you need counseling. Counseling by yourself and counseling as a couple. It is important that you both get things out in the open. That you both need to have series talks and actually communicate better. That is the reason for this situation. Whenever communication in any union ends up not being open and honest. You have a break down in communication that is when things really do come to an end. You need to talk to your husband. He needs to talk to you.

Good luck in whatever decision you make. That is exactly what it is. YOUR decision. No body else's. You need to try to make things work. If after exshosting your options and you feel for sure there is no recovery then make that decision to make a better life for yourself but I can tell you right now, that better life is not with the other man.

Joe

[gypsy456]

Well... you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

This was your decision.
And it turned out to be a bit different than what you envisioned.
You write that your husband is a decent man... it was not enough for you.
And now the other guy turns out to be a commitment phobe which is not what you hoped for...

Counseling sounds like a good idea, Joe already suggested it.
Before this turns into a bigger mess and confusion.

Good lcuk.

[Deeva]

Thank you all for your responses.. I guess nothings easy in life.. I guess it's the way I look at it..

[freaked out]

Oh my god girl I am going through the same thin like excatly the same except my husband is not nice and he is verbally abusive and all that and everything els you said is true about me too and I do not know what to do either but I am moving closer to my decision of ending my marrige because I believe that if we have these feeling for someone els we do not truly love our husbands and they are not our true loves so I wish you the best and one day we will be happy...