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margarita_momma · May 17, 2007, 02:02 PM

My divorce will be final in about 10 days. I have posted a few times on here about how my ex-husband was stalking me and didn't want to let me go. Well, I think it has finally stopped and he is accepting that it is over. He is going to get custody of our 2 1/2 year old son because I believe I wouldn't be able to give him the life he needs. I can't support him even with the child support I would be getting and I am the one that moved out so I don't even have a stable home for him to live in. I know he will be happy, healthy and safe with my ex so I have accepted that I will not have my son to hold every day. The only thing I am asking now is, how do you start over your life? Where do you begin? I want to start over but I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I have met a new guy that is everything I ever wanted my ex husband to be but I still have that empty feeling. The knew guy has completely fallen for me and I do have feelings for him but I can tell they are not as strong as the feelings he has for me. I have told him I just need time to recover from my failed marriage and he said he understands and will give me the time I need to do that. I am flat broke because of all the lawyers fees, the new bills that getting an apartment brings, and paying my half of mine and my ex's debt so I feel like I can't start over and I want to so badly. Is there anyone out there that has felt this way? Am I all alone in this feeling? Any advice would be helpful. Thank you in advance.

:confused: :(

shygrneyzs · May 17, 2007, 02:25 PM

No, you are not alone in feeling this way or these ways. But you do need to stop feeling sorry for your circumstances. You feel like you are stuck in a rut and you are right now. You went from husband to new boyfriend while still married - so what did you learn there? You did not give yourself time to stop and rest and think through all the lessons and consequences and time to deal with the feelings of your marriage.

You say you are broke - you can get two jobs. Many many divorced people do that for the first year or two after the divorce. Just to get even and get those bills paid off and regain some financial footing. It would keep your mind off your misery. Maybe even help with your "poor me" attitude. I know this happens - it happened to me when I divorced. You need to stop dwelling on all your negatives that you have posted here and find the positives and accent those parts of your life and what you value about yourself.

Whatever you do, do not use this new guy to fill the voids. That works short term but not for the long term relationship. If you have not been to a counselor, I would hope you find some time to go and talk with him/her about your feelings and difficulties post marriage. You need to know you can start over and be successful. You do not have to live in the rut you have carved out. Good luck to you.

margarita_momma · May 17, 2007, 02:44 PM

Thank you for your response. The getting a second job things sounds like a good idea and worth looking into. Also, I didn't expect to fall for the new boyfriend. That was compeletly unexpected. It just caught me off guard to find someone that I actually had stuff in common, can make me laugh at any moment, and is so easy to talk to. We just fit together well and that's nice to have right now. He's my best friend. I plan on moving from the town I am living in now since there is so much bad tension and drama always happening here. I live in a small Texas town and anything you say or do is being watched by everyone. I just want to start fresh somewhere. Anyway... Thanks again for the advice. :)

shygrneyzs · May 17, 2007, 02:54 PM

Small town anywhere is all the same. What they do not know, they make up. Then you hear about it from the guy who was at coffee that morning and you think, "dang, now why wasn't I invited to that?" A fresh start in another town can often be one of the best remedies. Good luck.

Fr_Chuck · May 17, 2007, 04:14 PM

It is hard, there is no easy answer except to live each day.
Just don't rush into any "perfect" relationship, often we are not looking good since after a really bad relationship some people jump way to fast into another, But this does not mean this is not a great one, just give it time.

vlee · May 18, 2007, 07:33 AM

First I will say I am sorry to hear of your divorce. It is a very emotionally difficult time and in reality only time makes it better. I think you need to make work a priority right now, and really, get rid of the boyfriend. I know that sounds harsh, but getting into any relationship just after a divorce is a very bad idea. We all see qualities in someone new that we wish our ex had had, but the problem is you develop tunnel vision. You only see the good things about the new guy, and you latch on because it fills the void of being alone. Most of these relationships fizzle out anyway. Also, you still have your son to consider. This has been a huge change for him, and he isn't ready for visits with mom and her boyfriend, so I suggest if you opt not to break things off with your b/f that you take things VERY slowly. He shouldn't meet your son at all unless you intend to be with him for a long time, and you aren't in the frame of mind to make a decision like that yet. Instead of replacing one relationship with another, why not reconnect with friends, or make new ones? Do the single thing for a while. Kick back and enjoy your freedom before you get tied down again. Join a gym or a club, take up a new hobby. And lean on friends and family for the emotional support you need. Decorate your new place. Keep yourself busy with things that make you feel good about yourself and your ability to provide for yourself.

The emptiness you feel will fade over time as you begin to find out who you are again. When you find yourself under all those layers you've been blanketed in, then you will be ready to search for love. I really believe the best thing you can do is take your time.

margarita_momma · May 18, 2007, 08:36 AM

I understand where your coming from vlee when you tell me to get rid of the boyfriend but that's something I can't see myself doing anytime soon. I am taking it slow with him and I've already made it very clear to him that I need my "me time" and that I don't want to jump into things to fast with him. I know I have a problem with being alone. That dates back all the way to high school. I always had a boyfriend, even if I wasn't all that crazy about him. As long as I had someone there I was satisfied. I told myself that when my divorce was final, that I would live the single life for a while and do things by myself that I always wanted too. That's why it was such a shock finding my boyfriend because at the time I didn't want it. We started friends and it developed into more.

Thank you all for your advice. I really appreciate having someone to talk too.

vlee · May 18, 2007, 05:04 PM

Just don't let your relationship dictate your decisions. You say you don't like to be alone, and I get that, but don't allow your fear of being by yourself get you into a serious relationship you don't really want to be in. No one knows the loneliness and fear of divorce more than I. The constant worries about your child, your job, your rent, etc... But you know what? I made it through, and you will too. When your back is against the wall you there is no where to go but forward.

gypsy456 · May 18, 2007, 07:06 PM

Originally Posted by margarita_momma

My divorce will be final in about 10 days. I have posted a few times on here about how my ex-husband was stalking me and didn't want to let me go. Well, I think it has finally stopped and he is accepting that it is over. He is going to get custody of our 2 1/2 year old son because I believe I wouldn't be able to give him the life he needs. I can't support him even with the child support I would be getting and I am the one that moved out so I don't even have a stable home for him to live in. I know he will be happy, healthy and safe with my ex so I have accepted that I will not have my son to hold every day. The only thing I am asking now is, how do you start over your life? Where do you begin? I want to start over but I feel like I am stuck in a rut. I have met a new guy that is everything I ever wanted my ex husband to be but I still have that empty feeling. The knew guy has completely fallen for me and I do have feelings for him but I can tell they are not as strong as the feelings he has for me. I have told him I just need time to recover from my failed marriage and he said he understands and will give me the time I need to do that. I am flat broke because of all the lawyers fees, the new bills that getting an apartment brings, and paying my half of mine and my ex's debt so I feel like I can't start over and I want to so badly. Is there anyone out there that has felt this way? Am I all alone in this feeling? Any advice would be helpful. Thank you in advance.

:confused: :(

I am sure you are not the only one who feels like this...

Wise not to get involved with somebody new before you have your own life back on track...

Do what you promised yourself... live by yourself for a while, do the things you always wanted to do...

Being in a new relationship while you are not even divorced and are healed from this may be a bit too fast...

Good luck.

freaked out · May 24, 2007, 07:59 AM

I am going through kind of the same thing I am trying to be strong... just remember you son is the main thing in your life right now focus on taking care of your slef and that in tun will take care of your son and everything els will fall into place in time be strong and think about positive things

Mom of 2 · May 27, 2007, 10:22 PM

I too am dealing with the very same things after my divorce, so no, you are not alone. The emotions after a divorce are very similar to the emotions that one goes through with death, as you are grieving over the "death" of your marriage/relationship. I am currently involved in the Prism program, which is the adult component of Rainbows for children and this has helped me greatly. They teach you about the stages that I mentioned above. Check with your church, or a church in your area, to see if they have this program. In most cases, it is free. It is faith based, but is non-denominational. You are also able to interact with other divorced persons, which can also help you with the healing process. If this program does not seem appealing to you, then I would recommend some kind of therapy or a divorce support group. I agree with the other posts on this subject in that you should not allow your current relationship to be your crutch. Yes, it does feel good to be wanted by someone else, but you should be your own strength. This may be the relationship that you were meant to be in, so good luck with that and I hope it works out. However, don't rely on someone else to make you feel better.