[katevesco]

My husband and I are in our 70's and live 3,000 miles from our son. He is a hardworking, successful, well liked man of 40 with an adorable wife and a new baby of just 9 months. My son had some troubled years in his teens and did get into drugs. We did our best but he did not really listen to us. Eventually he stole our car, got into an accident, called us to tell us where the car was and said "Have a good life", We did not hear from him for 2 years and in the end we traced him through The Salvation Army. He had moved 3.000 miles away.
In the years following he came home a couple of times, and we always gave him a job and paid him well. He was a good worker but always pushing the button. We dealt with the public and sometimes he made it difficult for us. He would stay for the summer and leave again in the winter to ski somewhere. Eventually he found he went back to school and made a success of his life. But we never really could please him, We have spent 20 years trying. We have given him money to help him out but he seldom asks for it. If he asks to borrow, he always pays it back if we take it. More than often we tell him he needs it more than us and forgive it.
A few years ago he met and married a wonderful girl and they started their own business. We drove the 3,000 miles several times over the years helping them financially and physically to build the business and reach their goals. We did a lot of renovating and building so it was hard work. We were happy to do it because we love our son very much and wanted him to be happy.
Each time we visited our son he had a ton of jobs ready for us to do. It became a pattern though that it would seem that around the time for us to leave, my son would become nasty and rude. He would make it clear that we were not wanted. If we asked him what was wrong, it would always end with a scene and tears. Yet always on our way out, my son would come to us to tell us that he loved us and that he did not want us to go away angry with him. With tears running down his face he would tell us that things would be different on our next visit. But they never were. Things just kept getting worse and it got to the point that whenever we were around he would fall asleep or go into his bedroom. If we took him and his wife out to dinner, he would just act so bored and even pick up a newspaper to read at the table rather than talk to us.
Last visit he even asked us to stay an extra day to finish a job. We agreed but on that day, it snowed heavily and we could not do the job. He did not take that well and we spent the entire day trying to make conversation with the back of his head. He did not want us there and he wanted us to know it. His wife was just torn apart because she loves us and is so sweet to us. Her parents live at the other end of the world and do not travel, so my daughter in law wants her son to know at least one set of grandparents.

Last week my daughter in law and our grandson flew here for a visit. We had a wonderful time with them and it was so relaxed without my son. Yet I woke up one morning to find my wonderful husband in the dark in the living room. He was crying. He told me he was 73 years old and he felt like a failure because he was not able to have a normal relationship with his son. Let me tell you my husband has accomplished so much in his life that it hurt me so bad to hear him say he was a failure.
I have written to my son to tell him what he has done to his father, and to tell him that we can no longer visit him to be treated without respect. I have told him that we do not want to hear or see him unless he figures out what it is wrong. If it is something we are doing then he needs to tell us so we have a chance to change. If it is something we have done he needs to tell us or get over it. I have told him that I for one do not want to see him on our deathbed telling us he is sorry. It would be way too late then and I would certainly not want to see him then. I ended by saying we loved him, are so proud of what he has accomplished and we miss him and hope that he can figure things out before it is too late.
So my question is: Have I done the right thing?
Kate

[Fr_Chuck]

I am not sure, this sounds about normal for today's society. The days of leave it to beaver or the clevers has long been past.
Children live 1000's of miles apart

But so he was a horses rear, the last thing you do is return hate for hate, you let him know you love him and are hurt, lashing out in anger is not what you do, it can only drive more distance. What you did at the end was right, the other part I will disagree with,

It is what you feel like, I understand it more than you can ever know,
There is something he has not forgiven or things is wrong,
But I hear a lot about material things, buying, buidling, and not much about personal time, I think there are a lot of deep issues from childhood on both sides that has never been gotten over.

[grammadidi]

Your son has issues, there is no doubt. Generally, it sounds like he loves you both, but he feels it is necessary to distance himself. While I understand why you wrote the letter to him, it seems like what you had was better than nothing at all. At least your daughter-in-law enjoys being with you and you get to see your grandchild! I actually wonder if your son's issues might be something between your husband and him? At any rate, you may just alienate him more with that letter.

My heart aches for all of you. If I were you, though, I would call the wife and tell her what you did and why, and ask if she could intercept and destroy the letter. If it's too late, talk to your son. Tell him that you reacted out of a deep pain at seeing his father cry and tell him that your letter was inappropriate, but you would like to discuss the situation. I really think there is more to this than meets the eye.

Some things are better left alone. Maybe this was one of them.

Good luck!

Didi

[katevesco]

I guess I did not explain myself too well. We have tried for 20 years to speak to my son, to find out what is the cause of this. He knows he is hurting us because it is so obvious. We certainly love him and he does know it. And there is nothing more I would love than to spend some quality time with him. We have paid for two vacations with him to see if things would be different if we were in a vacation mode instead of working all the time. That did not work. And I did not write that letter out of hate. You have no idea just how much we have taken quietly for 20 years. His friends don't understand it because he is wonderful to be with when we are not there. We are just so tired of that 4 day drive over and over again with tears at the end of it. Just once it would be nice to just sit and talk with him and have him listen, show a little interest in our lives. We are not looking for much. Just a little would be nice.
I did discuss the letter with his wife before I sent it. She has tried many times to talk to him about the way he is with us. She thought that perhaps we needed to stop being so forgiving all the time and show him that we can be pushed too far. You know when we are visiting he is not nice to his wife. He is hateful to her. She does not know why because when we are not there, he is loving. The last thing we want is for them to have a problem between them because of us. My daughter in law is so distraught over the way he is that we have aked her not to get involved at all. She does not deserve the flack. We don't bring up the subject unless she does. My son has no problem with us visiting with his wife and baby as long as he does not have to spend time with us. In fact when we visited and they were working, I was the one who looked after the baby. They had never trusted anyone with the baby to that point. They left the baby with me without a problem.
You know we are in the twilight of our years. We have never asked for anything from our son but love and trust. If you have that the respect will also be there. We think we are good people and we have really never given him a reason to mistrust us. He can love us without fear. He knows we would do anything for him and his family. He knows we are so proud of him.
As far as him having a problem with his father, if you knew his father you would know that not to be. He is a lovely man. Kind, loving and really he has been an excellent father. I don't think my son thinks any ill of his dad. He just does not want to be around us. He is an only child but he never is interested in the folks he grew up with or the rest of our family.
So maybe I did the wrong thing but only time will tell. We just can't go on being hurt like this. It is just too hard and I love my husband too. We don't have another 20 years to go on trying. No time left for that. We need to take care of ourselves.
But thanks anyway.

[Forgiven]

Kate, I believe you. I know how you feel. I really do! Sometimes a person feels like 'no good deed ever goes unpunished.' I have 4 adult children. I am a widow, almost 70, and all 4 of my kids (ages 45-50) have decided that I am a terrible person and always have been. They are writing me letters, telling me everything I have ever done that is wrong in their minds but every thing they mention is either untrue, twisted, exaggerated, misunderstood or trivial (i.e. I didn't give someone sugar for their coffee -- I wonder, couldn't they ask for sugar?). Everyone I know, knows the things they are accusing me of are not true. I am a church going Christian, consiensous citizen, never smoked, drank, cussed, or drugged ( not even perscriptions until I developed high blood pressure). I am not saying I am perfect but I sure don't deserve what my kids are giving me.

All I am saying is that I understand how you feel. I have written about 15 letters to them telling them how I feel about the way they are treating me but I haven't mailed even a single one of them and won't. I just do it to help myself feel better I know if I sent a scathing letter in answer to their scathing letters, I would have to say goodby to my relationship with them for good. I want to rebuild it. I just keep praying that God will work in their hearts and they will see what they have done and are doing. I pray they can muster up a little compassion for me while I am still alive. If they don't, it will be so hard on them when I am gone and the guilt will eat them up. I don't want that.

Is your son an only child? If not, do you have relationship with the others?

I am sorry I don't have an answer for you. I wish I did. Then I would have an answer for myself too. I will pray for you.

[grammadidi]

I feel for both of you, but I am at a loss as to what the reasons behind this kind of behaviour from your children could possibly be. Is it possible they suffered some abuse or injustice that you may not be fully aware of that they have decided you are responsible for? (Even if it was because you were not aware of it at the time and failed to protect them in their minds?) I have seen this kind of anger carry over from homes where a child was abused by a parent, step-parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, teacher, another relative or family friend unbeknownst to their parents.

Forgiven has dealt with the situation as I would recommend. Write the letters to get the thoughts out, but don't actually mail them to keep as much peace as possible. I cannot believe that no contact at all is better than what you had, Kate, but then, I am not walking in your shoes.

Just keep loving the best you can, let them live their own lives as much as you can and try very hard not to lose faith. It doesn't sound like it's either of your problems - and the kids will just have to work it all out for themselves... or not. Hopefully they will make amends before it's too late. Perhaps that is their lesson to be learned in life.

Warm hugs for you both...

Love, Didi

[Forgiven]

Didi, There is more background to my story as you suspected. I have been divorced from their father for 30 years and he recently passed away from a very debilitating disease that took him fairly quickly. They all have the idea that I hated him but I didn't. I tried to help him as much as possible in the last few years because he lived close to me and all our children live in other states (as far away as they can get.) In the last month of his life they all came and stayed with him and saw his suffering -- which was very hard for them to take. Now they are striking back at me (maybe trying to throw their guilt over onto me) because, in their minds, I hated him. He was a total opposite from me. An alcoholic, rabble rousing, fun loving, motorcycle riding, drug using, devil may care type of guy. They loved him and idolized him and knew how he treated me in our marriage so they probably think I should hate him. I am fairly ambivalent about him since we had been divorced for so long. After my divorce, I was single for 12 years, then married again. I had a wonderful marriage that lasted 10 years until he passed away at age 65 from leukemia. Being a widow now, I feel rather helpless against my kids and their accusations against me. I am very sad about it all and pray it will come to a happy end soon.

[katevesco]

You know if we had not been trying for 20 yrs what you suggest ( keeping the peace, writing asking what was wrong, showing him our love, being patient) then maybe I could agree with you that I should not have written the letter and tried to keep alive what little connection we have with him. BUT we have tried it for 20 years, we have asked, we have written understanding letters and we have shown him our love. All that comes back is pain and disrespect. There comes a time in life when it is easier and less painful to stop trying. I suppose I cannot expect anyone to really understand unless you have been witness to his attitude towards us when we are in the same room. To tell you the truth it sounds totally unreal to me when I read what I have written. But facts are facts and the sooner I come to accept the facts the sooner I will start to heal. Would you continue to reopen a wound in any other part of your body other than the heart? No sense to it, is there? The cut is deep and with each visit it got deeper until it became unbearable and humiliating. We practically beg for acceptance from him without him turning a hair. How long can you keep that up and have any respect for yourself? It destroys you and makes you so totally miserable that you are consumed by it. Ask anyone who has suffered and tried just as hard as they can for a long period, how they feel about themselves. Right now I have to consider my survival and building up my husbands esteem, which has been the biggest casualty in this sad story.
So, outnumbered on my decision I have to stick to it and try to get through it for whatever time the good Lord gives us in the world. Trust me, it is not easy and the thought that I could have done something different always haunts me. But I am only human and like everyone else I make mistakes but I do know that I and my husband have not made any mistake big enough to cause this painful treatment from our son. Believe me if there was a way to change things I would do it. But I have tried everything you have suggested for the past 20 years. It did not work.
Kate

[ordinaryguy]

This is unbearably sad. As parents, we like to believe that the efforts and sacrifices we make raising our children will be repaid when they're older, but the older they get, the more they become the product of their own choices and the less it has to do with ours. There really are no guarantees, I guess. Katevesco and Forgiven, I wish you both well and I'm truly sorry for your loss. I have two (almost) grown children, and if either one of them behaved toward me as your children do toward you, it truly would break my heart.

[Forgiven]

It is truly heart breaking. I understand your feelings, Kate. I have not been going through it for 20 years -- only about 3 years -- I still have hope of someday reconciling with at least some of my kids. I will tell you this. Some of the people I tell my story to, tells me that if their kids did that to them, they would just write them off. They say, "I would never force anyone to be around me that doesn't want to, not even my kids." "They can go their way and I'll go mine." Now these are people that are not going through it so it might be a different story if they were. Sometimes I feel like it is just too much stress and I will just let it go. Then other times I think it's worth fighting for.

[grammadidi]

Kate, I'm sorry. I do understand and I agree. There does come point in time where you do need to say enough! I also think your husband needs to come first. You are spending the rest of your life with him - not with your son. 20 years is long enough to try, and I guess the ball is now in his court. It's not an easy decision, and it does truly sound as if you have done all you can. It would just be heart-breaking to lose whatever relationship you have with your grandchild and your daughter-in-law. I hope that won't be sacrificed too, because then it hurts 4 people.

Hugs to you... I do really feel for you.

Love, Didi

[katevesco]

Thank you for your support and wishes. It does go a long way to help in the healing process. My husband and I felt miserable beyond words when we sent the letter but somehow the misery gets a little easier to handle as time goes on. It will never be easy unless the son we love so much uses the door we have left open for him. In the meantime we are going to make that 3,000 mile journey again but only to see our daughter in law and baby. My son owns a hotel but we will not stay there but somewhere close where we can see our daughter in law and the baby daily and even help out a bit with babysitting if needed. My son will know we are there but there will be no invitation for him to visit us and no attempt from us to see him. I would be very surprised if he would have any objection to us seeing his family as long as he does not have to be there and he doesn't. We really don't expect him to come as he knows we do not want to see him unless he intends to stop treating us without respect. So sometime next year we will take the trip and sometime between then and now we will be meeting our daughter in law and baby for a weeks vacation. It is not perfect but it helps. We will get through this. We have to.
Kate

[katevesco]

Well something has happened and I would like to share it and pose another question.
My husband, thinking that my son would be out at work, phoned my daughter in law today. My son answered the phone and my husband asked to speak to B... ( our daughter in law). My son asked who was calling and when my son told him it was his father, my son started into a long friendly conversation. He was asking questions about us, what we were doing, who we had seen and how was our health! He even asked about me and what I was doing. This is something he never did in the past. We always felt as if he was anxious to get off the line and if we ever tried to tell him anything about ourselves and what we were doing, he would give us a sarcastic."That's interesting" All this time my husband was on the phone he heard my daughter in law and the baby in the background. Not once did my son offer to pass the phone over to her. Usually he cannot wait to get shot ofus. At the end of the coversation he said "Please give mom my love"!
He acted as if nothing had happened. So where do we go from here? I don't think we should invite ourselves to visit and stay with him and his wife at their hotel. I do think we can visit and stay at a local hotel or in our motorhome in a park nearby. I still feel we should go with no expectations of seeing him and we should leave it to him to contact us if he wants to see us while we are there. What do you think?
I am somewhat encouraged, but again we have been here before so I am not taking anything for granted just yet.
Kate

[Forgiven]

I think your husband should send him a nice note (maybe by e-mail, if not, then USPS, )thanking him for the nice conversation they had. I wouldn't overdo it with the niceties, though. BTW, I'm taking it that he did receive the letter you sent. Maybe your husband could mention to him that you plan to be there on a certain date and see if he invites you to stay in the hotel. If he does, then do it. If not, then stay where you like. I would try not to push any buttons, if you can avoid it. Don't bring up the past and just start from here on and play it by ear.

I am sure he loves you and that has to come out eventually. I wouldn't put on my work clothes for him or pick up a hammer. Neither would I take out my wallet for him. Be nice, treat him like you would a friend.

[katevesco]

I kind of thought the same sort of thing. I don't know when we will make the trip. I am not sure about writing him and telling him that we are coming because he might feel obligated to offer us accommodation. But the note from my husband is a good idea. I can ask and see if he is willing. I know if there is to be a change then it has to come slowly and easily or the whole thing will be awkward and doomed to fail. You are also right about not working or giving help any other way. He really is well situated now and doesn't really need our financial help any more.
I know my son received the letter because my daughter in law told me she picked it up from the post office and gave it to him, When I spoke to her just a couple of days after the letter arrived, my son had not discussed it with her. He knows it upsets her and I don't like to involve her as it might cause a problem between them and I love my daughter in law. I should not be her problem. I don't want to put her in the middle. She has told me that the problem is not ours but our son's.
But I still have to keep in mind that this was only a phone call and it was not initiated by him. But it is a cautious start. I can only dream that my letter made him sit up, take notice and come to grips with whatever it is that has bothered him all these years. I really pray that he is dealing with that demon and whatever it is he can put it behind him and let us get on with life as it should be. We are certainly willing to let the past stay the past as long as we can move forward.
Thank you again.
Kate

[Forgiven]

Sounds like you have a handle on it. God bless you!

[katevesco]

Well I am not sure the handle is secure really. I am a little scared to tell you the truth because we have had so many dissapointments in the past. Another one might just top it for my husband. I suggested a little note to our son but my husband feels that would maybe send the wrong message that we are jumping in with both feet again. I kind of agree with him. This time slow and easy and not really expecting too much. Confidence after 20 years of nasty does not come easy and we do not dismiss the fact that he is a real charmer. Everybody loves him because he has such, believe it or not, a loving, easy going way about him that you just cannot resist. He is big on Carma but when it comes to us, everything goes out the window. Even people he does not respect get pleasantries from him. I tell you, we just don't understand it. I cannot tell you just how many people have told us that we did a good job with him. He is honest, hardworking, generous and good fun. Along with the hotel he has a responsible job where everyone loves him. We are the only people he treats badly and he does that well too. Before she met us his wife thought we were going to be really nasty people. You know he did not tell us he was getting married, nor did he tell us he was married for several years. Everyone else know except us. To tell you the truth we still do not know exactly when he got married. When we ask, he just says he can't remember. We don't ask his wife because it is not her problem. Go figure. So we tread softly and keep our guard up. Pray for me that it has a happy ending.
Kate

[Forgiven]

I have been praying for you and will continue. I know how badly it hurts. Ad.. . So many times whatever it bothering them is so far in the past that you wonder whay can't they get over it? I think it's natural to blame your parents for a lot of things but there comes a time to get over it! I pray he will get over it yesterday, if not sooner. The phone call is a good sign that it is about to change. God bless you.

[megsmile41]

I do not think you were wrong to send the letter. In fact, I think the problems have existed for so many years because the issues were not dealt with honestly and directly. Just because you are open and honest does not mean you are hurtful. I don't think we should allow our children to devalue and disrespect us no matter how old we or they are. Too often we think ohers should just know how they make us feel, and they really can't be expected to read our minds and hearts. My son is 21 and has broken my heart, and I certainly wrote to him and told him. I emphasized how much I love and want him to be a part of our lives, but not until he can treat us with a basic amount of decency, I will not be open to having him visit again. We can expect our grown children to respect us, if we show them we don't respect ourselves by allowing their hurtfulness to continue, without any boundary. I pray that you are able to reconcile with your son - but I think you did the right thing by putting it in writing. Now just let go and let God.

[mara1954]

Thank you for giving enough information to work with! We were in a similar situation a few years ago. I remember the heartache and worry I went through with this. To begin with, the problem is not you as parents but your son, who has something in his past he is not yet ready to deal with and angry that you don't seem to know it. He needs to finish growing up, but can't heal that bad part yet because he doesn't know how. The last thing you want to do is start harping on that. You need to let go and let God. We did and it changed our life and our sons. He is using you two to as punching bags because we tend to hurt those we love the most when we are hurting. In time, as you stay out of it and stop reacting, spending quality time and not quantity time, he won't have you to blame and he will attempt this behavior with his wife, co-workers or friends. Trust me, they won't put up with it and eventually he will be forced to deal with this himself. Which is good because then he can finish growing up and see you for who you are. Our son finally was confronted and is getting help. Our visits are peaceful now and someday, I know he will tell us about it. I am sure it was painful whatever happened. He dared to refer to it once years ago, but I became distraught so he backed away, and got angry again. I don't know if this helps but just lovingly back away a little at a time. It really is wonderful when we leave sooner when things are going well. There are lots of options to use. Sometimes we would say we would love to stay longer but we can only stay and do this much because we don't want to miss (whatever) My heart breaks for you, but know that he dearly loves you and it isn't about you or your husband. I have a sneaking suspicion though, since he won't have anything to do with family there is something there. I am only guessing though. Children from good homes strong and self sustaining and that is our gift for raising them well. So we stay a few days and even though things are going well, we still leave in a timely manner and feel so happy to be leaving a good note. We show no attitude, and we are gracious and helpful, but wait for a que so we don't "take over". There is so much peace in our family now, I am thankful for a good therapist who got us to that point. You deserve the same.