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glavine · May 14, 2007, 08:11 PM

I've been married for a few years now and I've always had a friend of mine help me on some jobs, and its began to cause problems at home,
Were not cheating and nothing has ever happened but my wife feels sure it has.
So here is my question, I've known this friend of mine for 7 years and at time I feel like were the best of friends , now my wife of less than 2 years wants me to totally give up my relationship with my friend, no more work , no more talking, what should I do. Thanks

LonelyLover · May 14, 2007, 08:47 PM

If you knew your friend before your wife she should be more supportive. Maybe you should sit her down and tell her that there is nothing going on then spend a little less time talking and texting your friend for a while. Tone it down a bit. If it doesn't work then just tell your wife that even though you love her that you will not give up your friendship with your friend. Let her know that even though you knew your friend before her yet you still chose her and she has nothing to worry about.

glavine · May 14, 2007, 09:05 PM

I fogot to mention a few things, but I do think those a good ideas, but I've tried them, she insist I have no contact at all, mainly cause she is my wife and I'm putting another woman before her.
As far as support goes , she's totally against it.

Thanks by the way

LonelyLover · May 14, 2007, 11:25 PM

Then you have to decide who is more important. She is obviously giving you an ultimatum and you have to decide. It sucks, but maybe she isn't the right one for you. If she can't accept your best friend, then she can't accept you. Maybe as a last ditch effort you can have the two of them spend a day together and talk it out themselves. Maybe she just needs to get to know this girl, find out if maybe she does love you and she doesn't want to say anything. Who knows, they may become best friends... lol! Anyway, hope things go OK...

Krs · May 15, 2007, 11:43 PM

Who is more important to you - your wife of this friend?

Does your wife have any reason to feel insecure about your friendship with this women?

Your wife should ALWAYS come first, however a compromise needs to be set in place here!

fix-what-you-broke · May 16, 2007, 07:09 AM

Maybe try to introduce your wife with your friend.let them meet up alone a few times to see if they get on, sometimes it's the fear of the unknown, or maybe they have met and I am way off.
Putting myself in your shoes, my partner has known his best friend since school, long before he ever met me. I would never dream of getting in the way, I let them have their time together, from day one I have said if he wants to go out without me that's fine, he's even gone to stay overnight,granted his friend lives over 100 miles away and they don't see each other often, yes my mans friend is male, but it wouldn't matter if it was female as the point I am trying to make is if it is just friendship gender shouldn't matter.
Maybe your wife is threatened by the amount of time you spend with your friend, I'm not sure, good luck

phillysteakandcheese · May 16, 2007, 07:50 AM

Is this statement true?

Originally Posted by glavine

...im putting another woman before her...

If you are putting your friendship before your wife, then I think your wife has every right to be upset with you.

The next question would be, why does she feel so insecure about this friend?

I suspect you have been giving more time and attention to your friend than you may realize or want to admit.

patientlywaiting · May 16, 2007, 11:35 AM

Originally Posted by glavine

ive been married for a few years now and ive always had a friend of mine help me on some jobs, and its began to cause problems at home,
were not cheating and nothing has ever happened but my wife feels sure it has.
so here is my question, ive known this friend of mine for 7 years and at time i feel like were the best of friends , now my wife of less than 2 years wants me to totally give up my relationship with my friend, no more work , no more talking, what should i do. thanks

It depends on how much you love your wife and the life you have with her. If you are always fighting and never happy together than choose the friend. If you think that you would miss your wife and your life together if you let it go than don't. Your friend should understand that you are married and that she should back out. Sounds like she might not have your best interests in mind. A true friend would never come between a marriage. Do you have kids? If there are kids involved get over your friend, you are someone's father and you can't replace those as easily as you can friends.

gypsy456 · May 16, 2007, 05:12 PM

Interesting situation.
I have been through something that may or may not have been similar.

When I met my -now husband- boyfriend he was still befriended with some ex girlfriends which was fine by me. However.. they were not fine with the fact that I was in his life... since I am a foreigner we started living together fairly soon -something they always wanted and he refused. Whenever they were on the phone they were not friendly -to say the least- and one told me over the phone I was only with him because of my green card.

It may not come as a completely surprise that I did not put up with this.
At first he claimed they had been friends for so long and "that they did not mean it like that"...
But when they were continuing to be unfriendly to me he told them: treat her with respect and if you can't then don't bother to contact me anymore.

I am sure they will be back in touch again which is fine by me.
It's just that I needed and want to be treated with respect.

Old friends or no old friends.

I would certainly not accept it if my friends would treat my husband without respect.

So... maybe your wife feels something similar??

glavine · May 17, 2007, 05:15 AM

Here's the thing, from day 1 I told her that I had a friend the I let work with me, wed go to tool shows together, we go workout and run together as friends and always have been. After I met my wife I told her upfront this was my situation and if she couldn't deal with that then we didn't need to talk, she said that's fine I have male friend to.
Now I quite all the above except for letting her work. I ve trained her for about 5 years and she can hold her own. My wife doest believe that at all. Never the less I just don't feel like I should be backed in a corner and made to decide between my wife and friend, not to mention I have a daughter. I don't won't to choose but having my friend help when I need her takes stress off me at my work. My wife wants me to hire a guy, but I've done that before where I had 8 guys with me and it was too much, now with just one we do most everything but when we need someone else for just a job that may last 1 day or 4days its nice to be able to call her and now she's not going to be calling me everyday wanting to know when the next job is. My friend doest care if she work 1 day a month or everyday.
She's just glad to help.
This whole thing makes me look like a jerk I guess but it not my intention to be that way. I don't enjoy upsettin my wife, but I feel like she isn't being reasonable with my jobs, its just work, that's all, me and this friend have never done anything, ever. And yet I get treated like I'm cheating, I hear that word so much.

Thanks to everybody who wrote back to this whether you agree with me or not I appreciate all the comments

Fr_Chuck · May 17, 2007, 05:24 AM

I will make this plain and simple, you are making excuses why you want to keep this friend. And what you are saying is that your fiiendship is more important than your marriage so it is simple get a divorce,

If you really love your wife you will understand that she thought it could be OK, but the amount of time and energy spent into this other relationship is not OK. And personally I can understand I really don't know any wife that would put up with it, And what I can't understand is why you would even have to thnk about it, If you really loved your wife, it would not even be a second to decide.

And yes this is making you look like a real jerk. But yes she is being reasonable since workouts, running and tool shows is not work, those are after hour events, that your wife can be doing. Time move on with your friends and develop your marriage.

Sorry it is your that I just can't understand is having a problem with this.

bushg · May 17, 2007, 05:55 AM

Galvine I read both of your post and I 100 percent agree with you. You told your wife upfront about your friend and she accepted it. And managed to accept it enough to marry you. You have already given up some of the things that you did with your friend... work outs, shows etc. If your friend does not make suggestive comments to you... (and you know if she is interested in you) and vice versa. Or if you 2 have never been sexually or romantically involved, then I see nothing wrong in what you are doing. Stick to your guns! Ask your wife why she feels so insecure about herself. And help her work on that. Good Luck... I know that it is hard to be at peace when you have to constantly defend your actions. May peace be with you

startover22 · May 17, 2007, 09:40 AM

If you want to be married still, I would lose the friend unless she is only willing to be with you AND the wife. That is why we are married, to share things in our lives together... Otherwise you have some interesting choices to make... Good luck to you!

NowWhat · May 17, 2007, 09:43 AM

IT sounds to me that more is going on that what is written here. If nothing else there is some sort of emotional affair going on. You may think there is no harm in your relationship with this person - but it constantly hurting your wife. When you took your vows - there was a part in there about "forsaking all others". That means everyone comes second to your wife. It seems to me that you are putting your friend above your wife. I would have a problem with that.
You need to be more aware of what you are doing. You may think it is innocent - but to your wife it is not. And your lack of willingness is proof to her that more is there.

gypsy456 · May 17, 2007, 09:51 AM

Nowhat brings up an interesting and essential phrase... "forsaking all others"

That does not only mean "physical".
If this is reaching -and by the sound of is it already has- the point where your wife is getting very unhappy about this... well, then why is it so hard.

It seems to become more and more a matter of principle for you.
But ask yourself...
You married this woman.
You have a child together.
The "only" thing that is a constant issue is the other woman in your life.
No matter whether she is just a person you work with, just a friend... if it bothers your relationship to this extend then I wonder how much you are willing to keep your marriage healthy... and your wife happy.

Maybe see a counselor.
It might help to have a third party shine a light on this.
Obviously your wife does not feel emotionally safe and whether you are "just being friends and working with this other person" is almost besides the point.

Your wife is not happy.
How much does that matter to you ?
How much do you love your wife...

Don't you want a peaceful and happy family life for you and your daughter ?

Good luck !

glavine · May 17, 2007, 03:58 PM

This has been a good experience, thanks for all the comments. Ill take them all into consideration.

ordinaryguy · May 19, 2007, 05:02 AM

Originally Posted by glavine

.
this whole thing makes me look like a jerk i guess but it not my intention to be that way. i dont enjoy upsettin my wife, but i feel like she isnt being reasonable with my jobs, its just work, thats all, me and this friend have never done anything, ever. and yet i get treated like im cheating, i hear that word so much.

Well, I'm going out on a limb here and taking a different tack than some of your other respondents. If this really is just a work relationship, and that's all it's ever been, and if your wife knows this, then I think she's being too controlling and jealous. If that's the case, even if you kick this friend to the curb, I'm willing to bet that within a few weeks or months your wife will find somebody else to be jealous of and start hounding you about that.

Maybe that's a good strategy to try. Tell your friend exactly what the situation is, and tell her that you need to not hire her for awhile to see if it really does change your wife's tune. If it really does fix the problem, then OK, you just have to make do without this particular employee. But if your wife starts up again with the jealousy and suspicion over some other imagined threat, then you know what you're dealing with and can decide how to proceed on that.

bushg · May 19, 2007, 05:44 AM

Ordinary guy, the only problem with this suggestion... is that this he would be lying to her and I think that he is a honest man. And if she is a woman that is filled with jealously she will not see his true motive but really think that he has something to hide. I thinhk he should stick to his guns... because he did not lie to her from the beginning of this relationship. But if I were going to take the trickery route.. I would do just as you suggested... sad to say but she prob. Would start in on another relationship he has that makes her uncomfortable.