[confused-a-lot]

Hi all,
I've read a lot of different posts on here which have been a huge help, but have a scenerio of my own.

In short, perfect 2 1/2 year relationship is falling apart because she feels like she has lost herself. Ok, give her more space. Few days later she doesn't know if she wants to be with me anymore. Ok, take a break. Few days later I get a call from her and she says "I want to give it a try, want to work it out". Ok, now what?

I guess I won't know until I speak to her, but I'm looking for advice.

I have been understanding that somewhere along the line she has not been taking time for her. She needs that, I need my time too. She isn't the best on expressing her feelings or emotions. Which has played a big part in this.

Honestly, love her to pieces. Great girl. And we've built up a great relationship. Really would be annoyed to see it all be lost.

What do I say or do at this point?

[gypsy456]

Obviously something has bothered her... and until you sit down with her and talk in person you will not know why.

I think that it's a matter of waiting till you see her in person and then talk, try to find out why she had/has doubts.

Is this of any help at all ?

[talaniman]

You talk and try to work things out. Listen to what she has to say, without judgement or giving advice. If you both want the same thing and are willing to work together that's half the battle. Good honest communications is a learning process. There is no hurry to solve all your problems but start somewhere. How old are you two anyway?

[confused-a-lot]

Thanks all.

I'm 24 and she is 20. Age has never played a problem for us though.

I'm just worried that she feels pity, is staying because of family or friends or some other reason. I want her to be happy.

Honest communication has always been hard, as I touched on earlier, she doesn't really open up and express her emotions or feelings. Not to anyone.
I have spoken with her dad, whom I'm really close with. He admits that she gets this characteristic from him, until recently he would too shut down.

Communicating may be more difficult than you think.

[confused-a-lot]

I called her.

We are still suppose to be on a break apparently. She needs and wants space.
She sounded aggressive, like I had annoyed her. Perhaps breaking the silence during this break? But she wanted to work things out?

So now I'm even more confused.

She wants to work it out but wants space?

I guess I'll leave her to contact me when she is ready?

HELP!?

[talaniman]

You don't need help just give her what she wants and it sounds like to me that she wants to work it out is to keep you hoping and waiting for her. Unfair on many levels and you should not go for it at all. Stop the confusion and eating her crumbs, disappear from her life and be busy and unavailable. This is not love or caring she is showing you and no way are you being respected. If she was serious she would be talking right now. She wants you hurt and confused so you don't know what to do. Sorry move forward and don't wait for her games.

[confused-a-lot]

Hi all,

I have been put in a position I'm not really happy with, and I'm hoping for a little input as to what to do about it. I've read a lot on here and it is good, and I can relate but I have a situation of my own.

I (24) have been with my girl (20) now for coming up to 3 years now. She took some space, then a break beause she feels like she had lost herself. She came back and told me she wanted to give things a try, she loves me and doesn't want to be without me.
I've posted on this here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...tml#post414194

We had been up and down like a rollercoaster since she came back Arguments and all sorts. I would say more than half the time we have spent together has been talking / arguing / disagreeing / discussing about the problems we have had and seem to be going in circles. We had a huge argument about the relationship on Sunday just gone, and I asked her if she wanted this relationship or not. She was furious then and there and yelled at me 'yes, but I can't deal with you right now, give me some space.'

I received a message from her (after 4 days of no contact) and called her back about an hour or two later. She was home so I went to see her and we talked. She is now again unsure whether she wants this or not. I understand the situations at hand, how she needs to experience, grow and learn at the age she is, and the situation that the relationship hasn't been the greatest. She says that she loves me but doesn't want things to be this way. We talked, not argued or disagreed, but talked about her, us and myself. After an hour, she had to leave for other commitments but didn't leave me with any answer as to whether she wants this or not.

I'm in the same position I was not long ago, with the decision in her hands and on her terms.

Obviously there is a lot more to the story, but this is the basics.

I'm wondering whether I speak to her soon and if she can't answer me, do I move on?
Or do I give her the opportunity to reach a decision, however long it takes?
What else could I do, or what shouldn't I do?

Please keep in mind, I love her and do want this relationship.

[moomin007]

Hi Confused,
I would suggest that she wants something from this relationship or she would have walked anyway after the first break.
I think there are issues here that need to be addressed between you.

Have you suggested going to see a counsellor?
A counsellor will help you explore the areas that are causing conflict and hopefully find resolution to them. But beware, the answers you get may not be the answers you want!

I think you need to explain to her that keeping taking time away is hurting you, that you understand she is confused but that you want to help. You want to understand what she wants from this relationship. You also need to explain that to keep going round in circles is hurting you.

Why can't she 'deal with you right now?' Are there other factors going on that you are/or not aware of?

It takes two to make the relationship work. From here, to me, it sounds like you are doing all the work & she is letting you waft around until she decides what she wants. This is not fair on either of you.

I wish you well
Moomin

[confused-a-lot]

I too figure she wants this relationship. As you say, she could have walked a while ago, and also when I asked her Sunday she said yes she did want this. But now she is confused again?

A counsellor would be great. But she wouldn't go.

She has acknowledged that its all in her hands, that it's stringing me along, but she continues to say she is unsure. That she needs to work out what she wants, and with that she doesn't know what to do.

Why can't she 'deal with you right now?' Are there other factors going on that you are/or not aware of??

I think this was just anger and frustration at the time, she also told me to f*** off. I let it slide, she was angry. I think she was just asking for space in a mean way. I don't think there are other factors involved.

If I apply pressure to make the decision, it will just make it harder. If I give her space to make the decision, I'm left hurting and on hold.
I want the relationship and love her dearly, but this is twice that she has taken 'space' and been 'unsure'. I'm torn.

Thought I might add, for anyone who might suggest, I'm keeping busy with work, going to gym and doing my own thing. I understand all of that. I just don't know what to do with this situation.

[moomin007]

There are 3 things you can do:

1) let the situation drift on & hope she comes to her senses & comes back to you.
2) force the issue and have a confrontation with her
3) take control of it yourself and leave her alone.

I appreciate that the second 2 are rather drastic actions but this is not fair on you to let it drift on.

Is she seeing someone else? Is this why she needs 'time to herself'.
Why won't she see a counsellor? Has she something to hide?

From my perspective here, for her to have taken 2 lots of 'space' & come back 'unsure', it sounds as though she may not want you but has no-one else open to her either. I don't mean to sound negative here but this is a classic ploy of those who don't want to be on their own but haven't found anything better.

I think if you continue to let the situation ride, you are just opening yourself up to unnecessary hurt later on.

I truly hope you find the answers & peace you deserve
Moomin

[confused-a-lot]

Thanks for the reply.

there are 3 things you can do:

1) let the situation drift on & hope she comes to her senses & comes back to you.
2) force the issue and have a confrontation with her
3) take control of it yourself and leave her alone.

That's exactly right. But what to do?
The second 2 are going against what I want, in continuing the relationship.
And the first puts me on hold.
That's my question, what do you do in this situation?

Is she seeing someone else? Is this why she needs 'time to herself'.
Why won't she see a counsellor? Has she something to hide?

There is no one else. I'm 100% on that. She has said to me it's not me, it's the relationship she is unsure about whether she wants. That if she was to be in a relationship it would be with me. I have made it clear that if we split, I cannot be friends with her or in her life. That I'll need to move on as my feelings are strong for her, and I would find it difficult to move on if we still had contact.
She has nothing to hide, I just know she won't like the thought of seeing a counsellor.

[huno]

Hmm... this situation sounds all too common. I haven't been on these boards that long but I see this kind of thread come up a lot. It usually ends with the girl leaving the relationship.

Why? It's probably because she's bored with the relationship. There's probably nothing deeper than that. You said she mentioned needing to "grow and learn" and whatever else... that's her way of telling you she wants to start seeing other guys. At that age (20), she wants to be wild and party and have fun.

I'm sure she does like you, but she probably sees other girls out and about, partying, drinking and basically being wild and uninhibited and she wants a part of that. I've noticed that American girls crave freedom and fun and they want to do it without being judged by boyfriends, parents or peers. Other cultures praise stability and sense of mind: our culture promotes freedom and emotion over anything else.

I could be very wrong, but somehow I doubt it. I think you should just let her go for now and see if she comes back. Pressuring her to make a decision will cause her to become defensive and rebel, which isn't what you want. You need to let her come to grips with her emotions on her own and just hope that she chooses you.

[emopunk7]

Wow... Your girlfriend sounds exactly like mine and you two are having the same problems I was having. The constant arguing even though we love so much. I will tell you what most likely will happen... She is going to leave, especially if you pressure her. I say leave her alone for now and give her a lot of space... Let her see her family and be around them more. They usually act like this when you are all over them in any way. If you let her breath and not argue so much then there is nothing to get away from and there won't be a problem with the relationship... I say you tell her this in a voice message when you know she won't answer. "Darling, I know things have been tough and I see how it upsets you. The last thing I want to do is bother you. I love you and I just want you to take a few days to yourself to think about things and if you want to talk to me, I'll be here as well. Take care beautiful, bye" Then hang up after she says what she has to... I'm pretty sure she will love you even more for this because you are being understanding. I mean think about it... Dealing with the relationship isn't working because she is too frustrated... Well leaving it alone can't make things worse, in fact it clears things more quick. If she wants you then you will really know this way and if she doesn't then you will be glad it's over sooner than later and you leave with dignity and she will always remember that you were the bet guy ever and one day she may regret her decision... But either way, it's best to expect the worst at the time... I wish you luck buddy! Take care and let me know how everything goes!

[Jiser]

I can vouch for English women to being nobs!

[talaniman]

As I told you in your previous post, she is at the age that the mysteries of the world are calling and you must let her go. Take care of yourself by enjoying your life.

[confused-a-lot]

Thanks all for your suggestions and opinions.

The longer she takes this 'space', the further she is pushing me away.
I am now feeling that I may walk away from this relationship. Although I don't want to, it is hurting me too much and holding me up. I think if she loved and cared she would have shown this somehow by now.
I am going to enjoy my weekend coming, as I have things planned for myself. Sunday night or Monday at some stage, if I have not heard from her I will make arrangement to meet her in person and let her know it's over.

Does this sound reasonable?
What should I say, that is fair and to the point?

[talaniman]

I would just disappear out of her life, period.

[confused-a-lot]

Thought I would update you all on what has happened.

I had made my mind up that I would end things and save us both misery if she was still 'unsure'. I sent her a txt saying that 'we need to talk. In person'. I met with her and we talked for about 3 hours. I put it out there that I did not think this was fair at all or in no way showing me love or care, that this is not the respect I deserve. I told her that I can no longer be on hold for her and that if she was still unsure I would not like to prolong this situation any more, that perhaps we should not be together.
She was taken back by this a little, and told me she understood why I would feel that way. Shortly followed by, which shocked me, she said that she would like to work things out and give this relationship a try, that she loves me a lot and wants to be with me in a relationship.

The conversation went through what we both thought were our problems, where we would like the other to be more understanding and considerate, what we want from the relationship, what we want from each other and a lot of those sort of things. I put it to her hypothetically, does she think another try at this will work. She said she would like to think that it would. It felt like we spoke about everything. All the while, I still felt confused.
It was odd that it was me who seemed to need the convincing. I had built myself up to walk away from something that I really wanted and now the opportunity to have what I want has presented itself.

We were starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I told her that I would like to try with this relationship, but I'd like to see the changes made, on both parts. I guess you don't know until you try, and when we are good we are the greatest and both really happy.

Without knowing the gory details;
What do you think?
Can this work?
Is there any opinions of me? Her? Us?
I welcome all suggestions or criticism.

[moomin007]

Well,
Bravo you for grabbing the bull by the horns (so to speak) and bringing the situation to a head!
It sounds as though you have done the correct thing by talking it through.
What I would say at this point now is, be wary that she (& you ) do what you have BOTH agreed.
You will have to take this on trust and that may be the hardest part as you have been hurt before.
If you are prepared to give it a go, then go for it!

If you have made each other a commitment (behaviour, time off, meeting up etc) then make sure you stick to it.

Most of all, TALK! You've shown you can do it.

If things don't turn out the way you want then don't be afraid to walk away.
I really hope this works out for you both.

God bless
Moomin

[How_to_cope]

Well that sounds great but Ive heard and experienced this myself then 6 months later the same. But I believe this can work but maybe while your alone think of the reasons she may have wanted the break in the first place. Ive got a feeling you may have been a bit to available like most guys after a while wanting to see her a lot.

Try to pick up a new interest even though you have been together for a while doesn't mean you have to spend ll your time together this is what is probably ruining your relationship, spend a bit more time away from her and don't worry what she's doing. Cut the arguments there's no need to argue if your not happy with something in the relationship point it out if she doesn't straighten up get rid of her. I think you need to be a bit stronger like you have just shown. Tell her how things are going to be she will love that. Remember if its not going how you like it BAIL! Keep control of the relationship and guide it how you would like a relationship to be and she will follow. Don't let any drama creep in if it does straighten it out straight away.

Most importantly don't lose yourself , don't fall back into loving her so much and she's your world , just make her part of your life from now on and you may find she even wants you more.

Last but not least remember less time you give her the more time she will want to see you. This is important for the young girls until they get a bit older and can have a proper relationship with you they need to be pushed away just a little so they keep coming and there interest remains high. When she's ready to commit less of this will be required. But remember she asked for the break once so something must have been wrong. And her saying but I LOVE YOU be wary of this she probably does not even no what love is. Stand your ground and you will be fine!!