[shatteredsoul]

I wrote such a long comment on my last post (how do I manage this existence)about how happy I was that I dreamt about Myke and the hug he gave me. IT was amazing. I dreamt of him again last night although I am still trying to make sense of it. I woke up and it is Mother's day. I feel so incredibly sad for his mom. I know this day is killing her. First MOther's day without her only son. I have my beautiful son and daughter with me today and I am so thankful. Yet I feel so sad and angry today. I do so well and then I fall apart. I found out from a guy at work that he wanted to get me flowers for Mother's Day and put them on my car, but he was worried I would throw them away. I was really surprised about that. The fact that he wanted to honor me in some way as a mom. He really respected that. I wish he knew how much that means to me. I wouldn't have thrown them away either. I can't stop crying. It is a good thing my husband took the kids fishing for a little while because I can't hide my feelings. In my dream it was like we were trying to run away together or something. We were at somone's house trying to stay there. We didn't do anything, but we were together. I remember jumping in the pool and making a big splash to make him laugh. I remember swimming laps and him just sitting and watching me. It was so strange. Then when I woke up, instead of being happy he was in my dream again, I felt so angry inside. I want him back. I know I am being selfish because I couldn't have him even if he was alive. I get to have him for a little while and then I feel so lonely when I am awake. Yesterday I was at my daughter's dance competition so I was really distracted all day. I thought wow, I am doing so much better. Now I am a basket case. I want to know why are all these feelings coming out of this dream? AM I the most selfish person or what. I think I am mad at myself for allowing it to affect my home life so much. I just wanted to stay in bed and go back to him. I have to move on, and that makes me angry. It feels wrong to move on without him. Yet that is life. His whole family is suffering with his loss, all of his friends and people he loved. That is so damn sad. It makes me sick. A beautiful 22 year old guy, with everything going for him, and in one instant he is gone. The pain I feel for everyone is immense. I am going to try and pull myself together, if anyone has any insight to this, or my last post, I appreciate it!!

[RubyPitbull]

shatteredsoul, I have seen all your posts and the responses to them regarding this situation. You have received some very good, kind, and compassionate advice. I am not sure how much I can add to that. What you are experiencing is grief over the loss of someone you loved. You were at the height of your falling in love stage. You were never able to act on your feelings. I know this is very hard for you but you did do the right thing by never following through. All it would have done was complicate your life terribly. I know that you know this logically.

The grieving process for those we love can be very complicated and long. Everyone handles it differently and everyone gets through it in their own time and their own way. You have your good days and bad days. It appears to me that you are holding onto to him tightly because you don't want to lose that feeling of someone new that made you feel sexy, young, and alive. You have been married for many years and we have a tendency to take our marriages for granted at times. You love your husband, but that passionate falling in love stage has been way over and done with for many years. That is what you had with Mike. He made you feel special and sexy. It gave you a high. Now that high has been taken away from you and you are trying to hold onto it. Honey, what you are doing is so damaging to your marriage. Your husband was right -- you are focusing too much of your energies on this. The poor man doesn't even know the real reason and he was able to assess the situation correctly! What does that tell you? It tells me that your husband is the right man for you. You need to actively refocus your energies on your marriage, your children, and your life. If you don't, you will continue this "holding pattern" you have created for yourself and your home life will be damaged by this.

I think you need additional help on top of what you have found here. I would strongly recommend a grief counselor for you. You need a professional who will work with you on a one on one basis and can give you constructive advice in how to move yourself past this stage and into the stage in which you appreciate the fact that, in his short life, Mike had a friend who truly loved him and you had someone who adored you and made you feel good about yourself. You need to learn how to appreciate that and not continue to feel angry and lost. An objective third party who is experienced in this can help you work through this on a week to week basis, face to face. He/she might suggest a "date night" with your husband. Pick a day of the week as a regular date night. Get a babysitter. Go out to dinner with your husband to a romantic place and talk about your week. Share funny work stories, talk about politics, about the world situation,. This is just one example of the many tools that a counselor can actively give you to work through this.

You need to relearn how to focus on your husband again and create that best friend bond that seems to have fallen to the wayside now. Good and open communication is what ensures this. Talk about everything and anything that deals with your life together. Mike is a subject that should be broached with a counselor and with us. No one else that might blab this to your husband accidentally. It just isn't necessary to create a scenario where your husband might find out about it. At least for now. For now, you need to find the joy you used to have in your home life. And, you need to be active about it. Today is Mother's Day. You need to spend time with your family and do family things. Give yourself a mental break from your grief. Just do it. Please.

Since I don't know where you live, here is a link that will help you find a grief counselor in your area. Please make an appointment this week. Since you only have us, and no one else in your life that you can talk to about this, you need the added support a counselor can give. Please click on the link and type in your area and click on the Loss and Grief help section.

Psychology Today: Find A Therapist

[shatteredsoul]

I know you are right. Thank you for such thoughtful input. It does mean so much. I am really thankful for such insight from strangers. It is amazing what you can tell someone you don't even know. Happy Mother's Day to all. I will do my best for my family and my husband, they do deserve it.

[shatteredsoul]

I haven't dreamt of Myke since I wrote that. I think I ruined it by getting all upset. Up until then I had three dreams about him and I felt him there in all of them. Now I think he isn't going to visit me because he sees how upset I get and he wants me to be o.k. I wish I didn't get so bent out of shape on Mother's Day. He wouldn't have wanted that. HE doesn't want to take away from me being a mom. He came to my dreams to help me and now he isn't coming to help me. Does this make sense or do I sound like I am talking gibberish.? Now I ask him to come and he doesn't. I think he is pulling his presence away for me to move on. I don't have to move on. I can think about him if I want. I can't make him be here for me, but I need him. I have been better with my family and things are moving along, but I have not forgot about him or the connection we had. I want to keep that alive!! I wish it didn't have to hurt so bad. It just hurts soooooooo bad.

[RubyPitbull]

Shattered, I think with the one month anniversary of his death, it has brought up the emotions again. I noticed you had a good weekend with your hubby. That was good and it was a productive thing to do for your marriage.

Don't place too much emphasis on dreams. Part of the healing process after a death is having less dreams of the people we have lost. You feel guilty, lost, and sad when they don't appear with the frequency they used to. You don't have to forget him, but you do have to actively start to move on. I am not saying that you have to do it this moment, but you need to start figuring out how to work on, and concentrate on, the here and now. Your work, your family, your hobbies, your friends. There is nothing wrong with thinking about Myke and holding a special place in your heart for him. But, you cannot let it be a disrupt to your life when you have a family to consider. I still think talking to a professional will help you find the way to honor Myke's memory in a positive way and to live your life the way it should be lived. Of course, grieving is a personal journey and we each need to find our own way through it. But, counseling does help give you the tools and direction necessary.

I lost my dear sweet husband to cancer over 5 years ago. His illness and subsequent death took a huge toll on me. He was my best friend. Friends and family were there at the hardest moments, but they drifted away very quickly, getting on with living their own lives. I couldn't move on and had a very difficult time of it. I went for counseling. I could sit in her office, bawl my eyes out, and not worry about disrupting anyone else in my life. It has been a huge uphill battle for me but I am so glad that I went for the sessions. I have no idea where I would be now if I hadn't. I think about my husband every day. But, I don't let his death cripple my life. I know that he wouldn't want me to do that. I have found that working with abused animals and rehabbing them for adoption is very fulfilling. I have found new hobbies that fill up my time. For you, the great thing is, you have your family. You have children who need you and a husband who loves you. That is so important. You can find solace in them, and you can learn to live with the memory of Myke. You can find a way to make both of these issues work together to help give you the direction and purpose you need. It just takes time. Since you can't let anyone other than the people here know the pain you are in, a therapist's office will allow you to release all the emotions that you are keeping inside of you. I think crying is an important part of the grieving process. You can't really do that comfortably now. Please give careful consideration to what I am saying. I feel for you honey, I really do. I wouldn't suggest this if I didn't think that it would be of great benefit to you.

[shatteredsoul]

You know Ruby, it seems that the people we love and need the most are the ones we lose. I called my dad to wish him a Happy Father's Day and tell him how much he means to me. He got quiet and then he said I made him cry. I have maybe seen him cry like 3 times in my whole life. When my parents got divorced, when my grandpa died, and when I had my kids. He lives far away and I don't get to see him too often. He told me that he has an enlarged lymphnode on his lung and he needs to get a catscan. He said it may be nothing. I am trying to be positive and strong. I am trying to focus on work and all the good things going on right now. I had a great day with my family and my husband and I had a date night. I feel like I try to get on track and then I get news of something else. Whether its my friend's husband who died, or the two month anniversary of Myke death with the four other men on that plane (on the 21st), or my dad and whatever illness he may be fighting. The feelingsa are overwhelming. I know I am going to need help. I have checked into getting a therapist. I know that will be beneficial, once I start going, but I have to verify that they take my insurance and stuff. I just feel so scared about him being sick, even though I am hoping its nothing. My dad has been my rock, and he has shown me how to have faith in God and in myself. He has always been so strong. I am terrified of him not being o.k. Its so hard to be fearless. I want to be, I want to trust in the unknown. Its just so confusing and painful.

[shatteredsoul]

Thanks Lacey, I appreciate that. You have quite a kind heart.

[Lacey5765]

Can you get away to see him? Maybe the change in scenery would do you good. Even if the tests come out all right it would be good to see him. I hope the therapist will work out. IF that one doesn't take you insurance keep looking. YOu know we are only so good here. LOL

[shatteredsoul]

Hello there Lacey, thanks for your suggestions. I would love to get away to see him, I am hoping before the end of the summer and the scenery in Wyoming where he is , would really be good for me!! He gets a PET scan of his lungs tomorrow. I don't know how long it will take to get the results back. I am hoping within the week. I wasn't able to go to the therapist that I thought, I am a little discouraged. I haven't given up, I just have to look for another one. YOu guys have been great on here, I've taken up the suggestion to have a candle ritual for Myke and it is working really well for me. I found a little buddha statue with a tealight candle holder. I light it at night for a few minutes. I talk to Myke and when I am ready I say goodnight and blow the candle out. Sometime I leave it on longer than others. I still look for him everywhere and try to see the signs that he gives me. I know he wants me to be a good person and good to my family. I need to do something with my life to help others. I don't know what though. I kind of want to start a camp for kids in the wilderness and also use it to help the environment, I just don't know how to get started. I would like to create one for troubled youth. Maybe foster kids or ones that are high risk. I also care so much about nature. I take my kids to do beach clean ups and parks to plant trees. Yet, I yearn to do more. Myke being in my life woke me up.

[Lacey5765]

There are many grants available. YOu might take a class at your community college on grant writing to get more info about them. Stick with the therapist idea. I am sure you can find one that takes your insurance. I am glad you are a little more settled now and it is great to look for signs. Just don't miss out on life looking for the signs if you know what I mean. You have added a lot to posts on this web site. Maybe that is another way you were meant to help others. Good luck to your father. I hope his tests come out well.

[shatteredsoul]

Good idea Lacey, I never thought about that. I didn't know I could take a course on grant writing. I guess I been trying to help others as a way to get out of myself and my own pain. I don't know how much good it has done, but it has all been honest and from the heart. Its hard when people don't always respond to me, but I have to get over that and not be such a baby! LOL True, I do need to focus on the life in front of me. I have been doing better but I guess I can always work a little harder on myself in that way. In some way I want to feel that he is with me and looking to see how much I care. That is more about my ego than anything. Sad but true. Yes, his test is today and I thank you for your positive thoughts. I wrote him a letter and he wrote a beautiful one back to me. His love for me has given me strength and hope. He has amazing insight and wisdom, and no fear of death. I wish I could say the same. I have had difficulty with going to a therapist because of my belief that I can handle things on my own. It seems like I am surrendering rather than reaching out. You know? It is again, about swallowing pride, seems to be a recurring theme in my life. I am trying to deal with it constantly. This lesson is a tough one for me. NOt really on the same topic but,I have a younger sister, only sibling, who has been depressed most of her life. She tried to take her life once when she was staying with me after we got in a fight. She still suffers from other issues and won't take medication or stick with a doctor. My parents worry so much. I tend to think she has Asperger's syndrome, but unless she gets diagnosed, we can't help her. I also think she suffers from social anxiety. I guess dealing with all of that over the years I have come to think I am not as bad and therefore, I don't need that kind of help. However, thanks to all of you I realize, I have issues!! I am going to therapy to deal with it and hopefully it will help. Its hard to wake up and smell the coffee sometimes, but I am trying here. Thanks for checking in on me. Its nice to know people care!! I hope all is well with you. OH, I decided to go sky diving for my birthday next month, I have never tried it and I figure what the heck, right?? Maybe I will be close to all the angels in my life watching me.

[RubyPitbull]

Hello shattered. How is your dad doing? Did they give him any clue as to his condition yet? How are you doing?

[Lacey5765]

Hey SHattered, did you get any news? Thanks for sharing about your sister. That does put a different spin on things. Maybe you haven't allowed yourself to see that you have needs too because you aren't as depressed as your sister? Or don't want to give your parents someone else to worry about? Hey think of it this way. I work with therapist, they need work too! It is not a sign of weakness to seek help. It shows intelligence. If you had an infection you would seek antibiotics right? I think it is time you put yourself first. You can't be the mom and wife you want to be without first taking care of yourself. SKy diving sounds wonderful! More proof you are a brave woman. I would love to try it myself.

[shatteredsoul]

I think many times I overlook my needs because of the overwhelming ones my sister has. Yes that is very true. I think also my kids and their activities get in the way too. Its easy sometimes to put your own needs at the bottom of the list. I think you are also right about not wanting my parents to worry. I have always been the strong, capable daughter who doesn't need quite as much attention or focus as my sister does. My sister is also very critical of my parents and I so I often times just remove myself and my problems from the equation. While she doesn't take control of anything and has all sorts of issues, she points to me, my parenting skills and whatever else she doesn't agree with that she thinks is wrong. She notices all things negative and overanalyzes everything to the extreme. My parents have their hands full with her. I guess I have been able to whine and cry a little on here more than I do to my own family or friends. YOu are my safe haven in a way. Yes, Ruby my dad had his test, but no results as of yet. I am hoping we will have some idea of what is going on by the end of the week. My mom is going to a therapist to deal with her issues of worrying and being such and enabler of my sister and her lifestyle. She supports her and helps her, babysits her child and takes care of so many things for her. She calls my mom whenever she and her husband are fighting. (long story) My mom is learning to set boundaries and limits, but she deals with so much guilt from when we were growing up. My sister blames her for so much and has so much resentment towards her. I try to be positive and uplifting for my mom, so I hate to make her worry about me too. I know I need to do some work on myself and you are right about the analogy with antibiotics. I guess I think I am used to handling things on my own, why should this be any different. I am trying not to worry about my dad, and your thoughts and sincere interest really helps. Thanks you guys!!

[RubyPitbull]

Shattered, most of us who are put in the position of dealing with, and handling other peoples problems, are so used to managing everything that we think the way you do. We believe that if we have managed to come this far with all the burdens we have carried, we should be able to do this on our own. Guess what? We are the people who need the outlet that a therapist give us more than anyone else! Did you know that therapists & psychiatrists go to counselors themselves? They carry so much of the burden in their lives, along with their patients problems, that they get overwhelmed. You need to think of it as an outlet to vent. Sessions are like safe havens where you can say and do anything, get all the pent up feelings you are having out in the open without worry that anyone will repeat it, and with the assurance that at some point, answers for coping and living our lives with feelings of fulfillment will be forthcoming. Your mother is doing the absolute right thing for herself. She is not only learning how to cope with your sister properly, but how to deal with your father's health issues. I only hope that what your Dad has, is not life threatening and can be managed. If it is cancer, we have come a very long way in that field. Let me know if it is as soon as you know. I have a book recommendation for both you and more importantly, for your mother. It is a book written by doctors who explain step by step how to manage whatever cancer you are dealing with. The burden will fall on her shoulders to be the caretaker and she will need to know every detail of the disease and what questions to ask the doctors. Doctors get caught up in medical jargon and will not offer up information if it is not asked for. This book teaches you how to take control of yours & loved ones healthcare. My husband had pancreatic cancer. It is one of those diseases that usually kills a person within 6 months of a diagnosis. Well, because of that book, we were able to keep him going for close to two years. He had quality of life until the last two months. I credit that book for helping me to focus on what was important and to manage his healthcare appropriately. It came in handy when my father was diagnosed with a different cancer. By then I was a "pro" and one of the doctors handling his case thought I was a doctor who lived in another area and was only there to make sure my father was being given the proper treatment! So, I hope in your Dad's case, it is not needed. But, if it is, I cannot recommend it enough.

As far as your sister goes, it sounds like you need to do what your Mother is doing. Your sister is an adult with a family of own. Her chronic neediness and instability are truly problematic and draining for everyone around her. You need to learn how to turn that enabling switch off too, and to find a way in which you can continue to be the support your Mother needs without getting yourself sucked into your sister's issues. If the two of you are going for counseling, you can learn to work as a team and possibly find a way to get your sister to recognize that she needs to get help for herself and stop blaming others for everything that is going wrong in her life. What happened in her childhood, when she lived under your parents roof, is in the past and she needs to come to that realization. Anything that goes wrong in her life as an adult, is her responsibility, not your parents or yours. She is an adult who is in control of her decisions and actions, no one else. Both you and your mother need to understand and accept this before you can get your sister to understand and accept it, and start taking the steps necessary to get herself some help.

[Lacey5765]

I know how it is to be the"strong" one in the family. My parents are both deceased now and I have one brother who I haven't had contact with since Christmas. Before that almost a year. I was the 'good" child while my brother has never been responsible. When my father died I had to take care of my mother. Not physically but emotionally. My brother then took most of my mothers money and then I had to help her find a new home and set her up closer to me. Meanwhile try to keep the brother from doing the same thing again. She also was an enabler and it killed me to see her excitement when he would show up. I knew he was there to get more money, she would act as if he was the son of the year. I do resent him sometimes. I haven't heard from him because I made it clear that I would not help him financially and so he has no need for me or my family. As a mother of 4 I understand that there is not much time for ourselves. I am at fault as much as you are at not takeing time to build myself. It is much easier to give advice than to take it!

[RubyPitbull]

Both of you are definitely not alone with those situations. I hear about stuff like this all the time. It is so sad that this happens as frequently as it it does. And, it leaves the responsible sibling completely frustrated. The fact is, the parent loves their child and recognizes the defects. They blame themselves completely and are constantly questioning themselves on where they went wrong. Lacey, it appears to you that she acts like he is the son of the year. What is happening is that she is hoping if she does this, he will "see the light" and change if she keeps her attitude positive with him. She thinks she is doing the right thing by giving him more attention because she truly believes that he does need her attention more than you do. It is unfortunate that parents don't realize the damage they are doing to their other children's psyche. They know you are tough, well balanced and don't realize that it really hurts you. They think you understand what they are doing in taking the time for the needy one, thinking that is what is required of them. It is a case of trying to correct "their mistake" their whole lives. Some eventually realize what they have taken away from the "good one" by focusing their energies on the needy one. Some don't. My father was that way with my brother. He did eventually realize the mistakes he made with the rest of us and the fact that he became too much of a crutch for my brother that he did more damage to him allowing this to continue into adulthood. But, for me, I left all that behind me a long, long time ago. It made me a much stronger person and taught me life coping skills at a much earlier age. For that, I am grateful.

[shatteredsoul]

Well, I hope it isn't cancer because I watched my father in law detiorate very quickly with stage 4 cancer. First they didn't detect it in the hospital, so we had him switched to another one and they found cancer cell growth within 48 hrs. First they said throat cancer and then realized it was mouth cancer. He was in so much pain. The first hospital he was in, he fell into my husband's arms when his he stood up and his knee shattered. They only wanted to fix the leg and said he had an infection. He had a big lump under his chin and they wer giving him antibiotics. My brother in law and his wife lived with pop and they had kids there too. They sold their home while he was in the hospital (IT had been his home for 30 yrs) and decided to move to Georgia even after they found out he was so sick. We were so appalled by their behavior when all my father in law wanted was to go home and be in his own room. It was sickening. I went to the hospital every day and the one day I didn't go was the 100th day of school and I promised the teacher I would be there. My sister in law had him transferred to a rehab facility because they were discharging him since they weren't equipped to handle his stage of cancer. She said he had no home to go home to because they were moving that weekend. I was so upset because they were not eqipped to manage his pain or anything. He could barely eat and they were giving him vicodent for pain crushed up in applesauce. I asked him if he wanted to come home with us. We brought him home on hospice and he stayed in my son's room. He lasted almost three weeks. At first I thought I could save him. If I could fatten him up and get him ready for chemo or radiation. But it was too late. He was happy to be home, but his body was done fighting. He fought colon cancer 15 years before and was in remission for the last 12. He was a fighter. I know cancer is such a scary disease, but hopefully he won't have to endure that kind of pain or suffering that pop did. It was hard. My mom and dad have been divorced since I was 12. My dad has been remarried three times and the 4th wife wants a divorce. My mom is gay and her girlfriend of ten years just broke up with her on New Years Eve. My sister also has issues with her because of that. So we are not the traditional family to say the least. My mom was in the convent before she met my dad and was a little naiive to the world to say the least. Well, that is another story. I know what you mean about my sister. My parents are still close after years of struggling with everything, but they are united when it comes to my sister and I. They are aware of the toll my sister puts on them and that it affects me. My mom is always worried about that and my dad is always saying, YOu have to understand your sister is different. If she were mentally retarded people would understand, you just can't see what is wrong with her by looking. Yet she won't take medication or stick with any doctor no matter how hard they try. She moves around and can't keep stable for anything. All of my family offers to help in some way. She has to help herself before anyone else can. It is sad. Thank you for all of your advice, I would still love the book. I am sorry both of you have experienced such grief and sorrow with your own family. We are all united even though we are different!

[RubyPitbull]

Shattered, I don't remember if you mentioned if you lived close enough to your Dad to be able to help him if this does turn out to be cancer. I remember reading about your father-in-law on another post. It always amazes me the depths at which people will sink. You don't know the true character of a person until someone falls gravely ill and dies. I cannot fathom taking someone's home, money, or possessions.

Here is a link to the book. It absolutely covers everything. When you get a chance, if you have one of those super bookstores like Barnes & Noble or Borders anywhere near you, stop in and look through the book. Amazon.com: The Complete Cancer Survival Guide: Everything You Must Know and Where to go For State-Of-The-Art Treatment of the 25 Most Common Forms of Cancer.: Books: Peter Teeley,Philip Bashe The original edition came out in April 2000, but they have an updated and revised one, I believe it was published in 2005.

[Lacey5765]

I am afraid I can relate to the taking everything from someone who you are supposedly to love. My brother caused my mother to loose her home. After I was able to get her back on her feet health wise and financially he returned and convinced her to live with him. Her health soon declined and she died within 9 months of moving in with him. Thus the distance in he and I. I was not ugly at all to him. I know that he has his own guilt to deal with so adding my anger would not bring her back. Ruby, I see what you mean by giving to the most needy child. It really din't bother me most of the time. I am usually stable LOL. Except currently in dealing with my 19 yo. Only when it affected my children did it make me crazy. For instance the last Christmas she was alive she made sure that all of his children (who we haven't seen in years) got gifts. Then she ran out of time and money to shop for my children or for my husband and I. I don't mean that she didn't get them anything but not much thought into it. She actually did not give my husband nor I anything and we were the ones who were providing the Christmas dinner. ( Well we always did anyway) Again I didn't care but felt bad for my husband also because he had spent a lot of time and money helping her. Oh well, She is gone now and I miss that she could have been around for my children. All of my family is gone except for my brother who as I have said we don't see. Shattered You are amazing to have been through so much and still be so positive. You are indeed the strong one. I hope that your father does not have cancer but I know you will get through anything.