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toomuch7 · May 11, 2007, 08:26 AM

My daughter is 20 years old and lives at home. She is in university, 3rd year. We pay for her university, books, food, etc. She is a good student has always worked and pays for her extras. (clothes, going out with friends, and savings.) She is always been a great daughter and her father and I are proud of her. She looks young is petite and pretty, so I have always worried about her by driving and her picking her up from places after dark, as well pay for her cell (any phone overtime, she pays.) Lately, she has started hanging out with a group of friends, 24/7. She has also recently started working full time until university starts in the fall. My problem is that she will say she is going to be home at midnight or a certain time on weekdays. Weekends, she has been staying at her friends most the time. I have no problem with this, except, during the weekdays, she is rarely home when she says, I listen for her and worry. She has expressed wanting to move out, which I agree with her, but she has to pay for it herself. I love my daughter, living away or with us, I want to get along with her. She accuses me of being too controlling and treating her like a baby. Lately, she lashes out at me, complaining about everything I say or how I say it. Telling me to go on anti depressants. This hurts! I do her laundry, pick up and pay for her contacts, etc. I said to her just recently that I don't want to control her and just to let me know that she is safe. I also told her that she has to pay for her contacts, do her laundry and to call me after dark for a ride. She says she wants to get along and that she loves me, and that she isn't stupid and would not endanger her life. I am trying not worry about her and let her go. I can't help but think I may have spoiled her and robbed her independence. Also, she never has her friends over. I am a cool mom, we have a big house, pool, rec room with pool table. I always am nice and keep my distance. She always stays at her friends house where there seems to be all kinds of drama going on, which she professes to hate.

isabelle · May 11, 2007, 09:42 AM

Tough situation... it sounds if she is just trying her wings and you are there for her.
The problem I see is her secretiveness. I am not saying she is doing anything she shouldn't do, but staying away from home so long makes me wonder.
The advice I would give you is to keep doing what you are doing and let time tell the tale. She sounds like a responsible girl and I do not think you spoiled her ( well except for the washing her clothes ect) but a lot of moms do that and the kids turn out OK.
The biggest thing to me is her disrespect to you. Something or some one is causing that. I suspect her new friends.
I would watch for things to disappear and money to go unexplained.
I know you want to know she is safe, off the streets and that she is home ( someone's home) late at night, but sometimes getting the kids to make that little call won't happen.
You sound like a good mom that is keeping track of your child and if something wrong is going on I think you will know it.
This may seem like a small comfort, but sometimes we have to wait for something to happen before we can intervene.
You will find that different people on this board will different advice for you and while it may all be good advice you will have to choose which works best for you.
Please let me know what happens . Good Luck.

Fr_Chuck · May 11, 2007, 09:53 AM

Sounds like normal growing up , happens at 17 for some, and in their twenties for others,

Tough time, just love her and support her all you can, be there if she fails for her

toomuch7 · May 11, 2007, 09:58 AM

The friends she has made are not bad kids. There is no drugs. I am sure of that. I do know they sit around and watch TV a lot. I have met one of the boys in the group and I know he likes my daughter. He drops her off, waits for her to get in and has asked her out. She has told him she does not want a relationship with anyone at this time and that she considers him a friend and maybe in time she will want to date him. She does tell me about her friends. She also says she wants to continue with studies, go for masters or Phd if she can. Thank you for your response, I will watch for things disappearing, but, my daughter is very righteous and head strong. She would not tolerate that. Also, she wants to move by the university, which will be far away from her friends. She has no intentions in sharing an apartment with them.