Why am I so fixated?

HurtingALot · May 9, 2007, 11:36 AM

Multiple threads merged

Ok... so this is my first post, but for the past week, I have been browsing (and searching like crazy) these websites for some comfort. At times, I think I have found some, but I always come back!

Here's the story... BF broke up with me after 10 months together. The relationship was very one-sided, he is incredibly spoiled (by his parents) and just down-right selfish. Oh... also diagnosed as bi-polar and doing nothing to treat for it. Throughout our relationship, there were constant ups and downs and he treated me pretty badly... We have taken time apart a few times, but most recently, he has said that he thinks he should look for a new girlfriend... one who he is happier with. He said if I need an answer right now, then it is over, but he would like for me to give him some time (2 weeks) and see what happens. I am devastated. I was an awesome GF to him... did EVERYTHING for him... and put up with an awful lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have (my friends all told me I was nuts for dealing with him) ONLY TO GET MY HEART BROKEN?? I am beside myself and need advice. Does he come back when he figures out I was the best thing that ever happened to him? Or is this really the end?

sypher373 · May 9, 2007, 12:24 PM

From the general tone of your voice, it doesn't sound as though you were very satisfied with the relationship. You said he is spoiled, bi-polar, and the relationship was very one-sided.

Based on that, does it seem unreasonable to you that you may be better off outside of the relationship? Of course it is going to hurt, as something dear to you was taken away. Look at it in light of the things you have said here... maybe it would be good for you to get some time to yourself and see where you stand, and what type of relationship you want right now - if any.

HurtingALot · May 9, 2007, 12:38 PM

Thanks for your answer... You are right about my tone in my question. There are many reasons I was often unhappy in this relationship... But the fact that he is maybe finished is KILLING ME. I did everything for this guy... How is it that he thinks he's better off without me? He says he finds it hard to relax with me, that I'm not a relaxed, chill personality and that he wants to see if he can be happier with someone else. I am so sad!

SnaveLeber · May 9, 2007, 12:47 PM

Originally Posted by HurtingALot

I was an awesome GF to him....did EVERYTHING for him....and put up with an awful lot of stuff I probably shouldn't have

I think that the focus of this should not be is he coming back. Your post makes it obvious that you know you are too good for that behavior. I understand how you can be hurting, and how you can love someone even when the reprecussions of that love are tearing you down emotionally.
I understand the statement "Just forget about him and move on" Is a lot easier said than done...
But its necessary.
My suggestion would be to find something that takes up most of your time. Don't let yourself have any free time to focus on what's happened.
A really good option is working out. I do it, and it helps with the emotional state.
Physical activity releases saratonin (Gawd I spelled that wrong) into the bran, the 'happy chemical" which makes one feel better quite effectively... plus knowing you are doing something that is benefitting your health and is socially applauded, boosts our self esteem.
Also... the next time you get into a relationship... be friends with him for a while. Push off that urge to tell him "I feel something for you"
Watch him, how he interacts with his family and friends. His respectlevel.
If he isn't gracious and respectful to everyone else don't be so nieve to think he will be to you

HurtingALot · May 9, 2007, 01:04 PM

God... it's so amazing how helpful complete strangers can be! Thank you so much for your answers. Why is it that I am soooo hoping that he comes to his senses and wants "us" back? Does he really find his happiness with someone else instead of me? He is a pretty unhappy person, himself... is it reasonable that he will find "happiness" with someone else after I treated him so well? Does he regret? Why can't I let him go?

SnaveLeber · May 9, 2007, 01:09 PM

Babe, your problem is that your focus was always on him... and it still is. Don't make this guy god.

doubfulGF · May 9, 2007, 01:18 PM

Hi hurting a lot! If you read question about moving on after a break up, I know you'll learn a lot from there...
But I'm someone who is going through it right now.. moving on and the pain is just driving me crazy from time to time...
But that's why I'm already focused on moving on because I've already made up my mind that I will move on despite the pain I'm going through... so my problem now is just about how to move on... and it's being addressed and it's really not easy at all... easier to read it in the forum... but I know what you're going through

My advice is for you to decide first if you're ready to let him go and whatever you decide, you have to stand by it... we all have our options to make like spidey said in spiderman 3, and it's up for us to choose the right one... and your mind at this point knows the right decision , and your heart is denying it... so you have to just constantly tell yourself, it's got to be mind over heart this time... that's why our brain/mind is on top of our body and our heart is right there at the middle, because somehow, the one in control who is the mind, is usually the one who's seeing the whole picture... the heart can only see from your chest down, while the brain can see the whole body...

So just make that one time, big time decision of letting go... and we can move on together :) I'll be here... WE CAN DO THIS TOGETHER... GIRL POWERRRRR!!

from--hurting less and less each day :)

doubfulGF · May 9, 2007, 01:26 PM

Originally Posted by HurtingALot

Why is it that I am soooo hoping that he comes to his senses and wants "us" back? Does he really find his happiness with someone else instead of me? He is a pretty unhappy person, himself....is it reasonable that he will find "happiness" with someone else after I treated him so well? Does he regret? Why can't I let him go?

you know, I want to ask those questions too and I really did ask them but wherever you go, whatever you do, you wouldn't find that answer now... maybe years from now or maybe not at all...

the reason we can't let go of people is because we love them, we value them and we are attached to them. But somehow, we got to adjust and have the mindset that they died and there's not going to be any chance of them coming back... so we are left with the decision of just coping with the loss, grieving, accepting, etc... I want my ex back too sometimes at the back of my mind especially if I miss him, but I realize it's just because of attachment... I wish sometimes, I don't know how to love at all so I don't get hurt but then , we have to deal with the current reality that we love and we are hurt. But getting back with him will only prolong the agony... you know it, so don't justify it... AGAIN>>>LET'S JUST DO IT!

HurtingALot · May 9, 2007, 01:36 PM

How can I miss him so much? The thought of him being with/talking with/laughing with/HAVING SEX with someone else absolutely turns my stomach... Does he ever regret letting me go?

doubfulGF · May 9, 2007, 02:51 PM

Well, he might regret it but definitely, not yet not now... and there's also a possibility that he might not regret it at all if he'll be happier and more satisfied on his next relationship...
I know it hurts, but just think that if he ever was satisfied with you anyway, he wouldn't let you go...

HurtingALot · May 10, 2007, 06:38 AM

I have been thinking (and crying) a lot about my situation. I understand that he may not ever regret what he did, but I am SLOWLY trying to come to the conclusion that he really didn't ever deserve all that I gave of myself, if he doesn't regret losing me. I truly gave all of me to this guy... I have no regrets about what I could have done differently, as in some of my other past relationships. If he really lets me go this time, IT IS SO HIS LOSS! I am hoping that the last of my tears for him will be coming, SOON... (I crept into my mom's bed this morning crying my eyes out at 5am... and mind you, I am not 12... but turning 31 this coming Monday... ) He didn't deserve all the great things I did for him while we were in our relationship... considering he really wasn't nice many times... and he certainly doesn't deserve all of my tears now. I have always believed that everything happens for a reason and what is meant to be is meant to be, whatever that is. In time, everything comes together, it always somehow does. And, if he sees that he was a complete jerk for letting me go, MAYBE, by then it will be too late for him. I HOPE SO! I deserve something so much more complete in my life... not a bipolar jerk that has crazy hot and cold swings. Mind you, 48 hours before it was "over", so he says, he was at my job telling me he was so into me and begging to be with me... etc... etc... Is this even normal??

doubfulGF · May 10, 2007, 07:17 AM

Well, I guess it would help if we really just stop analyzing what's going on with him, what's the matter with him, etc. I used to do that a lot too, wanting every reason and justification for his actions... but it wouldn't really help so much... like I always say, no matter how much we would have wanted things to stay or even if we give our all , if it's not meant to be then it's not meant to be...

To love. To be loved. To love and be loved. To be sad. To be happy. To be despondent. To be hopeful. To hold on. To let go. To stop loving. Or to go on loving, no matter what. The options are out
there.
Sometimes, goals fall short, things go wrong and plans miscarry.
It's not the end of the world. For those who don't believe in
failure as an option, then it is the end for them. But for the rest
of us who believe that while we live, we have the power to change
the course of our lives, hope springs eternal.

We can choose to give up. Or we can choose to go on. We can choose to be scared. Or we can choose to be brave. We can choose death. But we can also choose life. We can go for our goals one more time. Or we can change our goals over time. We determine our destiny.

HurtingALot · May 10, 2007, 08:19 AM

Why is it that my mood fluctuates SO drastically all the time? At one moment, I am feeling like this could be the best thing for me... (the breakup)... and others (now) I am questioning how I will go on if it's really over. When I wonder what he is doing, or where he is, or what he might be thinking, I go crazy. I miss him... does he miss me? I am in NC and plan to stay there, no matter what... (I swear I will not contact him first... ) but I am really hoping he misses me and calls me... am I crazy?

SAB123 · May 10, 2007, 01:11 PM

Originally Posted by HurtingALot

Why is it that my mood fluctuates SO drastically all the time? At one moment, I am feeling like this could be the best thing for me....(the breakup).....and others (now) I am questioning how I will go on if it's really over. When I wonder what he is doing, or where he is, or what he might be thinking, I go crazy. I miss him.....does he miss me? I am in NC and plan to stay there, no matter what....(I swear I will not contact him first.....) but I am really hoping he misses me and calls me....am I crazy?

My Ex/fiance broke up with me 3 months ago. I now we are not meant to be together. But I have all the same feeling still that you describe above. It does get better trust me.

doubfulGF · May 10, 2007, 01:34 PM

It's really really normal and I felt that way too... but you know, always put this in mind, if he's not doing anything about it, maybe he really doesn't miss you or if he's not making a move, why would you?

It would hurt more to realize you have a wounded ego apart from the wounded heart.

HurtingALot · May 10, 2007, 01:35 PM

I know that it shouldn't matter what he is thinking/what he is feeling/what he is doing... but the fact is... it often does. I am so fearful that he gets to be happy... without me. I think I will die if this happens before I am through this process, if it really is over.

HurtingALot · May 10, 2007, 01:38 PM

Doubful... you are right. But it has only been a few days... we have not spoken for longer than this before... is it poss. That he just needs the time to miss me? Sometimes I just don't feel like I will be OK with him not coming back, regardless if the relationship was good or not. Is it truly possible for someone so Narcissistic to have made this decision before I did?

AW805 · May 10, 2007, 02:01 PM

Sucks doesn't it? Know this though, everyone goes through what you're feeling. It'll drive you crazy wondering if the ex misses you the way you miss them. Then one day you wake up and say to yourself-- why did I spend so many hours thinking of that butthead?

Box up the gifts and pictures. Be with friends and family-- keep yourself busy. More importantly, love yourself.

diya · May 10, 2007, 02:15 PM

Take heart girl, these are harsh realities of life... No one stays with you forever... if you start believing in it... it'll become easier for you to handle people and expectations attached with them... learn and live...

sypher373 · May 10, 2007, 02:51 PM

Separate your life from him. That way, if it does happen, you'll never know. Deep down you feel like you want to know. You want to know what he is up to, what he's doing, how he's feeling... but trust me... if you knew, it wouldn't help you at all - no matter what the answers were.