[Kia]

I am just writing to ask about suggestions for dealing with anger and pain of unrequited love; and the person treats you like dirt on top of it. I already know that I was stupid to let it even get that deep, let myself be used, and for me feeling the same way for so long. I totally understand, it won't happen again, and I realize ALL of my mistakes but I don't understand why when you love so hard and have good intentions; people still want to on you. Now I'm not looking for pity or anything; I just need to find some ways to "sit with the pain" like I've been advised. I can't sit; I'm pissed and hating the one man I loved so much & I know he doesn't care because someone else's feelings mean so much more to him. This isn't the first time it has happened; and that is why it's so hard for me to deal right now. When I "sit with pain" it just stays in my heart and festers, and I blow up at the next guy I deal with and I'm hurt all over again. It's like I "implode" instead of exploding and it affects how I deal with others around me. I am sitting here at work right now ; and I want to destroy something literally. I just don't know what to do and its showing in my face and attitude. I can't put on a smiley face and be sociable at this point. If anyone has some basic tips to deal with these feelings and trying to heal would help out a lot. Thanks:)

[persainpapaya]

Well... the first thing is to realize your mistakes and how you got in the situation, (which it sounds like you have done already), next step... FORGET HIM. Sounds hard, I know. The only way I know, is to throw yourself into a project, work, anything. Find something that takes full concentration, and go for it! I jumped into my work when this happened to me. I volunteered at my church, took a bible class in the Evenings, was a pre-school Directors assistant and waitressed part time in the evenings all at the same time. I won't say it's easy, but something the bible taught me was to "take my thoughts captive". Which to me, means that every second that you start to have a thought about him... FORCE yourself to INSTSANTLY think about something else. It's good to have a plan on what you will think about in that moment. For example... You have the angering thought and right away... you tell yourself, "NO!", OK, what is my schedule for the rest of today? Now name in your mind, each thing you must accomplish that day. The strange thing is that after a while, it becomes a habit, and you stop letting your mind torture you. You get used to moving on in your life, because you've got better things to do than think about how mad you are, etc... I really hope this helps. Blessings.

[tawnynkids]

There is a fantastic book written on dealing with anger called "The Anger Trap" by Les Carter. It's $10 bucks on Amazon and should be available in your local major book store (like Barnes & Noble). Highly, highly, highly recommend this whether you have an anger problem or you think someone else does. It also gives a great perspective on how to look at our emotions and our happiness.

And if you are having difficulty forgiving another fantastic book is "The Choosing to Forgive Workbook" by Frank Minirth and Les Carter.

[Kia]

Thank you, I will try those ideas:)

[tawnynkids]

I wish you the very best... keep us posted won't you?

[Allheart]

Hi Kia,

You have some really good advice here. I am so sorry you are going through this. Feel like writing the ex a letter... hmmmm Take a look at how some of the other members got rid of those negative thoughts and feelings:

I hope this helps, even just a little Kia. Just know, you are not alone
Take a look at this thread, and if you feel like it, tell your ex everything you are feeling!

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...tml#post399329

[Kia]

Thank You I will write that letter soon. I just want to flip my question around a bit though before I do. Can anyone answer what is the difference between true love and obsession? Can they be one in the same? What if you love someone and want them to be happy; but also feel like you need them around or your life isn't right somehow ( because they have been there for years); so your attempts to move on never last because if they come around you fall in love all over again; but you feel like a significant part of your life is missing or different if they are gone too long?

[tawnynkids]

I think the difference might just be in the underlying motive. Obsession seeks to satisfy self and true love seeks to satisfy others. You can love someone and not be "in love" with them. Love is more than just a feeling, love is acts. Acts we CHOSE to do. So love is a choice, not just something that "happens" to us and is out of our control. Ok more great books... "Love is a Decision" by Gary Smalley and "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman.

[Kia]

Okay I kind've don't understand. When someone you are in love with leaves, you hurt & you want them back. That's not obsession though right...

[tawnynkids]

"What if you love someone and want them to be happy; but also feel like you need them around or your life isn't right somehow ( because they have been there for years); so your attempts to move on never last because if they come around you fall in love all over again; but you feel like a significant part of your life is missing or different if they are gone too long?"

That is a good question and also dealt with in the "Anger Trap" book by the way. You said "you need them around"... be careful handing your happiness to someone else. Ultimately it is only you who can decide to be happy or not. Handing someone else the control over your emotional well being is a recipe for constant disappointment.

[tawnynkids]

I wouldn't say that is obsession, it's loss and grief. It's normal to want someone back that you loved when you didn't want them to leave (provided it was a healthy relationship). It's not normal and is obsessive if you can't let go, can't move forward and can't leave them alone.

[Kia]

"It's not normal and is obsessive if you can't let go, can't move forward and can't leave them alone."

Okay... what about 2 out of 3.. lol Seriously though; that was my issue. I only moved on ( with him in the back of my mind) when he stopped calling. As soon as he called my current relationship would fizzle because I couldn't say no to him if he wanted to talk, sleep together or hang out. I would only call him back or talk if he called me though; but I never stopped loving him. I just hope I can move on now...

[tawnynkids]

It's hard but you have to let go for your own sake. Talking to a counselor can really be helpful or even just someone close to you. I feel for you. Good luck and I hope it gets better. It can if you want it to. But we are all here to at least listen though we can't solve it for you.

[Kia]

I am just writing today to vent because its been a particularly rough emotional day today. It's been 3 days since the whole argument and I just feel like I'm drowning and no one is around for me to lean on; even just a little bit. This site is my only outlet for the way I feel. I was just hysterical not to long ago because keep thinking about who he's spending his time with that isn't me. I don't know who to blame anymore except God because I prayed every night, had dreams about him; while trying to hide my feelings by pretending we were friends for such a long time. I tried to date and sleep with other people hoping my feelings would change, but they never did. I never really cut contact wth him . Now that he has told me about someone else, the pain is so fresh because I never heard him mention anyone else before. It cuts like a knife & I just am so lonely right now. I'm a good person who made wrong, wrong, wrong decisions, and I am alone now.

I don't have the energy to do activities, and I've been crying a lot. I can't talk to anyone about this, and I'm so alone. I just don't understand why God would hurt me like this...
It really makes it hard to be a Christian sometimes...
Casting love spells have been running across my mind all day, just to get him back to ease the pain; but I know its silly. I just feel like I prayed so hard either for him to love me, or for my feelings to go away; but neither has happened... I don't even have a new guy in my life or anything... its just hard and unfair..

[mckenzie134]

Anger is so hard to deal with I've been dealing with iot for two months. I still get angry at myself for giving too much and for being to trusting of domeone else's feelings

[Kia]

Okay, I'm having another vent night. Today was difficult one andI am writing as I get ready to go hang out with a guy from out of town. I just realized that I am nervous right now. I a nervous because I don't know how to act or, how to be; for lack of better words. I've been hurt a lot. Ive been hurt in ways where I specifcally have felt like I was passed over, or chosen over for someone else. I used to be very senitive and caring when I was younger and the boyfriend I was in love with got married while we were "working on things" I found out after the fact, yet he said he still loved me. I had a boyfriend after that who became a sex buddy/ friend after a few years, and then he told me one day he was living with his girlfriend. He still would come around but one day I said what did he think about us ,and he said this girl was really in love with him, so he didn't know. Which pretty much meant he was going to stay there. Yet, he claimed he still loved me. Then this guy I totally fell in love with ( most recent) for 5 years that I suppressed my feelings for because he kept saying he wasn't ready for a relationship told me this last time we were about to sleep together that he needed to deal with some chick who had feelings for him, and he knew I still kind of liked this other guy. I flipped out! It was like I blanked out. I screamed and yelled that I told him I loved him countless times before, and even during an argument in the past he said " so what". We kept arguing distanced from each other, and then started talking again and we had smoothed it out. So him tellng me about somebody else hurt me worse than I can even explain. It still hurts,and I am literally afraid of getting close to someone. Even ater that he called the next day to blame and threaten me for something being thrown through his woindow. I had nothing to do with it and had no idea what he was talking about. Yet, he said " I better not see you in the street."
Myself esteem and heart have been stomped on, and I sometimes feel I'm not good enough. It hurts so bad because I don't understand why the men I have cared about seemed to choose somebody else's feelings over mine ( I'm crying now). It's unfair and I don't know if I hide my feelings too much, or I am too sweet...
Anyway, I'm going to go hang out with this guy now. Maybe I'll sleep with him or something to numb the pain tonight.
I just feel so distraught and unsure if I'll ever find a guy who will really love me or give a crap about me without taking advantage just to walk away in the end...

[Kia]

Pray for me you. I need it fr real:)

[inthebox]

Kia

Who are you? I mean without any boyfriend? What do you enjoy, like , dislike?
What are your goals, your passions?
You don't have to write it here, just know who you are. Know that you are worth more than what anyone says and you deserve more than the bums you describe.

It just seems, from what you write, that your identity is tied to who you are with.

Try giving dating a break for a while. Volunteer - hospital, nursing home, animal shelter, etc.. The reward of making someone's day will wipe out anger.

Grace and peace

[Kia]

I understand, and I try to focus on getting involved in oher things, but my confidence has felt so shot in my personal life that it sometimes overshadows other things. It's like just a feeling of not being sure how worthy I am in general. What can I say about myself as a woman, if by 26 I haven't held down a good man for a relationship. I know I have my flaws, but don't other women?
I used to be a college athlete for my school & I am a good singer. I just figured that when college was done I would be on the way to settling down with someone. But,I'm further away now than I was then.
Last night the guy from Miami mentioned being my boyfriend and I aid no "you wouldn't want to be". He asked why ( I didn't want to explain my insecurity issues); and then said it was fine, we could keep it caual. I was hoping for a little resistance; someone to kind of fight for me...

Anyway, I didn't really want to but we slept together. While we were sleeping his friend came in and asked what happened last night. I heard him say "nothing, we just went to bed". He didn't introduce me to his group of friends when I got there late last night either. This morning I left for work and he said " call me later.." oh Great..,. I wanted to tell him that I changed my mind, but him telling me to call him later & the fact that I wasn't formerly introduced, makes me feel not so positive about the situation.

[talaniman]

As others have tried to tell you, leave the guys alone, and find out who you are, as you are so miserable because you think you need a man to validate your existence. That is so unhealthy, as you should find your own happiness in the things you like to do, and accomplish on your own. Until you are happy with yourself, you will always be frustrated and miserable when someone doesn't make you happy. Be happy, and you will find someone to SHARE it with. For now find you.