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Biz · May 8, 2007, 06:45 AM

OK.. So here is my weight. I've been with my girlfriend for 4 years. We were best friends at college for about a year before we got together. Our four year relationship however has always been long distance. First when she went away to school (8 hour drive) and now that she is home ( 2 hour drive ). The only time we were together (non long distance) was for the 2 months that I stayed with her for one of her summer semesters. I recently graduated and started looking for a job in her city. I couldn't find one and ironically ended up finding a really good one in my city. This ended the possibility of our relationship moving forward. She can't move down here because she is currently attending school for her masters in her city. She recently told me that she can't take the on-going routine of our relationship anymore, and she wants it to go somewhere. She brought up taking a break. She says that she doesn't know if I'm the guy she wants to be with (for the rest of her life). And taking a break and dating other people will help her figure it out. There is no other guy, maybe I'm naïve to believe that but I do. She says that I'm the greatest person she's ever known, and that I treat her like gold. And she feels that I deserve better than the way she's been treating me lately (like crap, but I don't blame her, our relationship is in a stalemate.) I can barely go a day without talking to her, and my soul is hurting. She is my best friend, the one that knows me in and out. She told me that if I would have asked her to marry me during the two months we were together, she would have said yes. And the funny thing is, I was broke back then, and am a thousand times better off financially now. The distance is taking its toll, and I don't know what to do. I told her that I'd give everything up and move to her to make our relationship work. She is the type that won't let me do that. She says that if she realizes that I am the one, than she will transfer down here so we can be together. I tell her that I don't know if I can do a break. The first thing I say is that we might as well break up because I know that I won't be able to take her back after knowing or assuming that she has been with another man. "But that's not what she wants." And I don't want to lose her either. I'm heartbroken, and don't know what to do. Should I just give her this break and put my pride aside or should I just break it off and perhaps let go of my soulmate. Help??

Krs · May 8, 2007, 06:48 AM

Well I was in a long distance relationship.
They are hard, yes I know, very heart breaking at times and all based on trust.

However from experience for a long distance relationship to work, either party needs to move near the other otherwise it just don't work.

I am married to this guy, we had a long distance relationship for just over 1 year... none of us could bare it.
It was either he comes to me, or I go to him or we break up.
None of us wanted to break up.
I quit my job, left my family to be with him. Sacrifies need to be made for it to work.

talaniman · May 8, 2007, 07:07 AM

She is right about LDR, taking there toll. After 4 years I know you are close, but you should be closer. Get rid of the phoning and texting and talk to her face to face, and find out what she really wants, and make sure she gets it. Whether its marriage, a break, or a break up.

Biz · May 8, 2007, 07:13 AM

See that's the thing.. When we are together, it's like recharging the batteries.. It feels like everything is fine. But it's not, we go back to the same thing when we aren't together. And I know sacrifices have to be made, that's why I was leaving everything behind, and looking for a job where she lives.. She wants a break, I know it... But isn't the time we spent apart a break enough?? I don't see her for 3 weeks at times. I want to know if I should just break it off, or hang in there and let her date other guys.. or is this a wrong course? I could date other girls, but I don't want to.. I'm lost...

Krs · May 8, 2007, 07:36 AM

Having a break = separate / discontinue an association or relation; go different ways.

Althou you are 3 weeks apart, deep in her heart and also yours you both still know you are together.
So there is a difference.

Biz · May 8, 2007, 07:40 AM

That is very true KRS... I never thought of it that way..

But I love her so much... And if she comes back to me which I hope she will, how can I possibly take her back after even thinking that she might have been with another man on our break??

Krs · May 8, 2007, 07:43 AM

You can't be like that...
If she did or if she didn't.. you were on a break, so she was a free bird!

Biz · May 8, 2007, 07:49 AM

So in actuality, a break, means that she has a safety net.. If it doesn't work out for her, and figures out that other men aren't cutting it for her, she can come back to me. That's not fair.. I get the remains of guys who had a great time with her while she was confused and didn't know what she wanted.

talaniman · May 8, 2007, 08:34 AM

My gut tells me that unless you take direct face to face action and get this straight between you both, You will be drifting apart. 4 years and your going through this neebie stuff, and wondering about the future? Sorry sitting on your butt wondering ain't cutting it. Notice your options in my other post. You need to get with it, or get gone.

Biz · May 8, 2007, 08:45 AM

Tonight, I will lay it out to her... I'll ask her what she wants... She'll say "I don't Know"... then Ill ask her if she still loves me.. she'll say "yes/i dont know." I have two answers... if she says yes then ill tell her to take her break and figure out weather I'm the man for her.. It'll give our relationship a chance... if she says "i dont know" then she means no and its over... I'll end it...

My stomach is at my toes...

AW805 · May 8, 2007, 08:55 AM

Long distance relationships are really difficult to work through. I'm surprised you've lasted four years. It seems like your satisfied with status quo, however, she's reached a pinnacle in her life that she needs something more from you - being together.

My hubby and I have had our share of living apart (job related). The difficulty was on my part. It wasn't an issue of trust. I just missed sharing my life with someone on a day to day basis.

Having separate lives is not having a relationship. You need to sit down together and work out a solution. There will need to be compromise.

sypher373 · May 8, 2007, 08:56 AM

I know you don't want to hear this, but distance and changes like that in life are a severe hurdle for relationships. In the course of my three year relationship, I moved over two hours away to school. It was very rough for about 2 or 3 months, then it settled down. A year later, my ex-girlfriend moved to school, developed new friends, and I can't honestly say she is the same person she used to be. Distance changes people, and you need to be prepared for that.

As far as a break making you a safety net, that is not the case unless you let it be. You need to understand that just because she wants this break, does not mean that you are at her will. If she asks for a break, and you can't stand the idea, no one is telling you that you cannot tell her "its over".

I know how you feel about the break, beucase I had the same thoughts of taking my ex back after time apart - how would I view the fact that she was with other guys, etc, etc. In reality, there is no reason to worry aobut that unless it happens. If it does happen, it is oviously something that will need to be discussed, as if you are not comfortable with what happened in the time between, it is entirely possibly a reconciliation will never work out.

You sound like you have a good handle on things, and as long as you stick by your decisions, you will be fine.

talaniman · May 8, 2007, 09:06 AM

What ever you do have the courtesy of doing it face to face.

Biz · May 8, 2007, 09:17 AM

To: AW805 Everyone says they can't believe we've lasted this long.. And that goes to show the amount of respect, trust, and love we have for each other. This is why it's soooo hard.. She's my little red head.. My little irish girl... My best friend.. And I am not satisfied with our current situation... I hate it.. I hate how I never get to see her, and how I can't be with her when I want to.. This is why I was going to give everything up and move to be with her.. And then I ended up getting the great job... Now does she weigh more to me than my career at this point... I'd say yes, but that wouldn't be smart. And she wouldn't let me give this up for her... She's not that selfish... She could move down here however, but she's scared that I might not be the one... How do I convince her? If she doesn't know by now.. I break up with her and give her a life without me and make her realize that she can't live without me? Or do I chase her, and chase love, and not give up??

To: Sypher373 How do you get through it though man? I mean, before this relationship, I was cheated on, dumped, I cheated, I played. I don't want that life anymore.. She is the first REAL person I've ever loved... In some weird way, these few days have made me realize that I want to spend the rest of my life with this girl... and I don't understand WHY? All of a sudden, our relationship takes a bad turn and here I am wanting her more than ever? Does that make sense. I guess it does... And now, I have to decide on what the best course is... I feel like throwing up...

To: Talaniman We said we would talk about it this past weekend... And we tried but it doesn't feel real.. Like, I see her face to face and we go back to loving each other... It's like two different relationships exist... One when we are apart and on the phone, and another when we are together...

AW805 · May 8, 2007, 09:34 AM

Biz,
If you were going to give up everything and move closer to her how did you apply and accept a job that's long distance? You asked if you should "chase" her. Maybe you've got some issues that you need to work through.

You've really boiled it down to the ultimate question. Who's going to compromise? Doesn't sound like she is.

sypher373 · May 8, 2007, 09:44 AM

Originally Posted by Biz

To: Sypher373 How do you get through it tho man? I mean, before this relationship, i was cheated on, dumped, i cheated, i played. I don't want that life anymore.. She is the first REAL person i've ever loved... In some weird way, these few days have made me realize that i want to spend the rest of my life with this girl...and i dont understand WHY? All of a sudden, our relationship takes a bad turn and here i am wanting her more than ever? Does that make sense. I guess it does... And now, I have to decide on what the best course is...... I feel like throwing up....

Its hard, I won't deny that, no one will. Its human nature to want what you can't have, I'm sure you've seen in hundreds of times. Why did you cheat in the past? Why were you cheated on in the past? People want what they can't have. Its hard for me to say how I got through it, because I'm not through it yet. In sitting deep in the middle of it, and it still sucks. I can tell you that it took me a while to finally get some certain thoughts through my head. When you finally realize that nothing you can say or do is going to change how she is acting, or how she feels. You can will all you want, but it won't help a damn thing.

Your situation is different than mine, you have a decision to make. I wasn't given that liberty, I was told the decision, and left to pick up the pieces of myself. I've been told over and over again that I can lie to everyone else all I want, but the one person I can't lie to is myself. You know deep down what you need to do. Maybe some time to think about it might let you decide, though it sounds like you have put plenty of thought into it already. Maybe the exact opposite is what you need - some time away from it all. Clear your head. Go for a run, drive, trip to the gym... anything to get your mind away from the subject.

One last piece of advice, I've learned that my entire relationship wasn't what I would call healthy. Any relationship in which you feel like you can't move on after it is over is too attached. Im don't need a relationship like that (unless I'm married I suppose), and until that happens, I will be sure to keep my own, separate life that can be perfectly happy with or without someone else.

Biz · May 8, 2007, 09:49 AM

To: AW805 That's the thing though, I didn't apply for the job... Her and I simply posted my resume on Monster and I was called for an interview... I figured I'd go and kick some rocks over... I never thought I'd get the job... I mean I went on dozens of interviews up by where she lives and nothing... and the first one I get down here gives me an offer I can't refuse?? She is willing to relocate but all of a sudden she needs a break to figure out if I'm the one..? Maybe she is afraid?? And its not like there is a crazy age difference either... I'm 25 and she is 24... so??

AW805 · May 8, 2007, 10:13 AM

I feel for you Biz. I'm trying to draw from my own experiences. When my hubby and I were apart, my life settled into a new normal. Living day to day life without him. I could feel myself drifting apart from him slowly. When he came to visit, it was great. It was crushing for me when he'd leave but then I would settle back into my normal again... everyday life without him. I eventually got to the point where I was thinking about other men. Not in the way of having an affair but to have a relationship with. Since his career field was much narrower than mine, I resigned from my job and moved to be with him. I've never looked back.

Biz · May 8, 2007, 10:31 AM

I wish she could read your words... But she is not certain of weather I am the one or not like you were of your now husband?. She says that's what she wants to figure out... so what do I do? Let her go?? Or fight for love?? That's the MAIN question

talaniman · May 8, 2007, 10:45 AM

I would get in my car and go get her and marry the girl if she would have me, Hell after 4 years, and your not ready for the next level you never will be, and this long distance stuff is destroying you both. Who cares where you live or what job you have. Gas up and go get here before she has a chance to think about anything else. Unless of course you have something better to do with yourself. Don't let her get away cause your confused.