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JulesG · May 7, 2007, 07:13 PM

My hard to control 14 year old son stays up late and will not get out of bed for school.

He has always had a problem with authority and unless teachers or parents are speaking to him in a way that he likes, he rebels. He does not treat his parents with respect.

I'm afraid he is ruining his life and setting bad patterns for the future. He socialises with older teenagers and appears mature. He has an older brother who is still at school and
Who has never had any of these problems.

Should I just wait this horrid period out and hope he gets better with time ? Or is tough love an option? i.e. no lifts anywhere, no pocket money (he has a parttime job that he manages to always get to) so he doesn't need my money. There's not much I could deprive him of to motivate him into action.

Help

tawnynkids · May 7, 2007, 08:35 PM

Ohhhh boy. Let me guess... used to be a great kid? This change came on kind of sudden and out of the blue? Funny how they seem to get in the least amount of trouble when you just kind of leave them alone (or as you say talk to him/treat him the way he wants) huh, but still enough to be considered a problem teenager? But start to lay down the law and enforce those boundaries and watch him do double time to get into the worse trouble possible, right?

You could check into some sort of independent study program where he might only go once or twice to take his tests and turn in work, and the least amount of time fighting with all the teachers. That may ease some of the school issues. When you have 2 kids so different makes you think man who's kid is this right? You just want to say to people I swear I didn't raise him to behave this way, you should see the my other one really I promise!

However, if he did do a sudden change in the attitude area, and is withdrawing from the family... have him checked for drugs. There are home kits you can do. God forbid and I hope it's not but that can play a big part in what's going on. Counseling would definitely be in order or if he refuses to cooperate, maybe just encourage him to talk to an older male role model you approve of that he may feel comfortable with.

If he's clean then it's probably pure rebellious teenage crap and he has just hit that point where he has decided he can be the one who makes his own decisions. That you will have to ride out as patiently as you can. Continue to require respect for yourself and family members, and authority. If he has been given that good foundation, and it sounds like he has, he will fall back on it when the maturity starts to kick in. And you will probably be flooded with apologies for such stupid behavior.

Oh and above all love and support for who he is, bash the behavior not the person. Good luck!

MissAdvice · May 7, 2007, 08:37 PM

Originally Posted by JulesG

My hard to control 14 year old son stays up late and will not get out of bed for school.

He has always had a problem with authority and unless teachers or parents are speaking to him in a way that he likes, he rebels. He does not treat his parents with respect.

I'm afraid he is ruining his life and setting bad patterns for the future. He socialises with older teenagers and appears mature. He has an older brother who is still at school and
who has never had any of these problems.

Should I just wait this horrid period out and hope he gets better with time ? or is tough love an option? i.e. no lifts anywhere, no pocket money (he has a parttime job that he manages to always get to) so he doesn't need my money. There's not much I could deprive him of to motivate him into action.

help

There maybe some legal action placed upon you the parent if he is not in school. You may want to talk to a law judge, to see if you can get him put into a mental hospital for immediate therapy. You are yet still involved in his life until he is of legal age. Therefore to resolve this problem, he needs to be hospitalized for a psych evaluation. He may be feeling peer pressure from others, being bullied or maybe something else is wrong. Many times teenagers feel that we adults do not understand them, he is going through teenage stuff. I suggest tough love on your part as a parent, if he won't go to counseling and perhaps home schooling, then you have no other choice but to get him committed. It may seem harsh, but in years to come, he will respect your decision.

startover22 · May 7, 2007, 08:39 PM

What does dad say about this? And good answer tawnynkids... I am not sure about a special school though, sometimes you have got to be tough. I on the other hand am a year behind you, so keep posting I want to see what works with your son so I can use it with my son. Hopefully he will stay the angel that his mother wants him to be. Good luck.

JulesG · May 7, 2007, 08:44 PM

Thanks to those that responded to my question - some interesting ideas there - except having him committed - I mean really - if we did that for each rebellious teenager our
Hospitals would runneth over and then some...

Fr_Chuck · May 7, 2007, 08:53 PM

If I told him to get up and he did not, well cold water poured on him normally gets him up, only had to do that once with any of my boys when they were teens and partied too much.
But of course if he had not TV, no computer, no sterio, he could not be staying up late at home or was just bored

But what would I do, call the juv officers to come get him and drag him to school, no child of mine would refuse to do what I said.
And if I had to, he would be in boot camp and learn to say yes sir and no sir.

Letting him fail or get expelled is not being a parent, being a parent is knowing when you have to get tough and force them to do things.

But no actually getting him professional help is most likely what should be done, sorry but letting him win and get away with it is not what should be done.

tawnynkids · May 7, 2007, 09:24 PM

"MissAdvice disagrees: Drugs??? Well thats typical, do you think those at Columbine or Vtech were on drugs, or were they bullied?"
Now, I don't know the specifics but I would guess both.

Gee MissAdvice was that because I disagreed with you... pay close attention here... I said it could be a possibility. You have to try and cover all the basis my dear.

You wanted to just flat out have him committed!

MissAdvice · May 7, 2007, 09:28 PM

As one posted, drugs.. accusing a kid of drugs can be a very devasting thing, ecspecially if you have never found anything in his possession. A psych evulation is what's needed, because there are many avenues teenagers experience, from peer pressure to low self esteem. Many teenagers experience anger, depression, suicidal thoughts during the teen years. I have raised two kids one of which is now 25 the other who is almost 18 and I have seen these behaviors. It was peer pressure for one of my kids, and low self esteem for the other, which by the way was caused by other kids calling her fatty. Give yourself some relief, let the therapist figure it out, they are qualified to deal with this. Give yourself a pat on the back for loving your kid to the point you posted and shared your grief with us. Good luck :o

tawnynkids · May 7, 2007, 09:32 PM

Oh OK and being the neighborhood "mental case" wouldn't be devastating?? They have a hard enough time being seen as the kids who has to go to a counselor.

krystal1973 · May 7, 2007, 09:39 PM

Not going to school is not an option. He must go there are no choices in the matter, he doesn't have to like it, he just has to go. Being disrespectful to authority can cause many problems through out his life. It is your responsibility as a parent to insure that he goes, push pull or drag him there, he will get tired of the fight eventually and just go. Although he probably won't be happy, he will at least learn to go.

tawnynkids · May 7, 2007, 09:42 PM

I would like to apologize to everyone reading and especially to Jules, squabbling is counterproductive to your question and to all the good advice you have been given here. After all it is just that, advice, you can take what you like and leave what you don't. I do wish you the best of luck with your son.

dogma · May 7, 2007, 09:51 PM

Originally Posted by JulesG

My hard to control 14 year old son stays up late and will not get out of bed for school.

He has always had a problem with authority and unless teachers or parents are speaking to him in a way that he likes, he rebels. He does not treat his parents with respect.

I'm afraid he is ruining his life and setting bad patterns for the future. He socialises with older teenagers and appears mature. He has an older brother who is still at school and
who has never had any of these problems.

Should I just wait this horrid period out and hope he gets better with time ? or is tough love an option? i.e. no lifts anywhere, no pocket money (he has a parttime job that he manages to always get to) so he doesn't need my money. There's not much I could deprive him of to motivate him into action.

help

Well I was the same way when I was that age, and I really wish I would have listen to my parents. Looking back I guess what would have helped, was someone that I really looked up to and respected to sit me down and really talk to me and guide me maybe even daily, maybe he needs to talk and let out some stuff he has on his chest. He might be bottling it up and pushing it down, so someone he can open up to with out feeling ashamed. I don't believe in tough love, but disipline is a must. Get him a UA and see if he is using drugs that could be the problem. Like smoking pot would make you lose modivation and not care also be very moodie, and you said he never misses work maybe so he has money to keep up his habbit?

tawnynkids · May 8, 2007, 11:44 AM

Jules, I wanted to add besides counseling you should check to see if there are any Children's Anger Management programs in your area. Besides helping him deal with possible current issues it could really serve him for the rest of his life. Anger is just a healthy emotion dealt with in an unhealthy manner.

vlee · May 8, 2007, 12:49 PM

As always, my answer is therapy. It is the best way to figure out exactly what the issues are, and why they are there. Only after identifying the problem can you begin to correct it, so you need to get to the root of this lousy behavior. Good luck.

talaniman · May 8, 2007, 02:00 PM

Where is dad in all this, as that's what a 14 year old needs is manly direction. I've heard a lot of things, but where is the man influence and disipline. How come he isn't into sports or running up and down like all 14 year olds do? Call his father.

JulesG · May 8, 2007, 07:02 PM

He has played sports all his life until this year. Just stopped- peer influence I think.

Father away a lot on business - also does not have a good relationship with son - doesn't appreciate bad language or disrespect ,so turns off.

This doesn't help the situation - however there's many single mums out there who bring up OK
Kids.

I think 14 is a bad age. Even his brother who has never given me any problems was at his worst at that age - he's now 16.

J_9 · May 8, 2007, 07:11 PM

Okay, one thing I did not see here is:

Who is the parent?

Every person here has a valid point, yet may have been written out of context.

1) This boy, and the entire family needs counseling.
2) Many school districts hold the parent responsible for the child not attending school

Yes, 14 is a bad age, but you must put your foot down and be the parent. 14 is only as bad as you let it be. Trust me, I have been there twice and will be there again in November.

I don't believe in terrible two's, just don't let it happen. I am the parent and my children know it.

Now, as far as committing him. No, not yet, but he is on the path of destruction. From my current education I see possibly antisocial behavior, ODD (Oppositional Defiant Disorder), etc. If this continues I do wonder if he will one day be incarcerated.

Now, dad is not always there, dad works, dad travels. Well, Dad needs to step up to the plate. Dad needs to stop turning off... Unless he can afford a good attorney.

Jules dear, you are in a bad place and a bad time, and my heart goes out to you. But YOU are the parent.

Kick his a$$ out of bed in the morning, drive him to school, sit beside him all day if you have to, but you are the parent, not him. He now seems to think he rules the roost.

Honey, unless you get him into counseling your troubles have only begun.

talaniman · May 9, 2007, 07:44 AM

At the risk of being the bad guy, your son is reacting to, to little parental supervision, and a lack of discipline. When Dad,(?) is away mom has to keep strict control, or kids tend to push the envelope to see how far they can go, and what they can get away with. You and your husband are not a united front, and honestly sets a bad precedent for this little bugger, by not coming down on his bad behaviour. First you need to take back control of your house, and keep him on a strict leash, and let him pay consequences for all bad behavior, starting with his privacy and his means of independence, his job. When he is away search his room thoroughly to make sure he isn't into something he should not be in. Make sure you know his friends, and above all, you are not his buddy, and he wants you to be tough and keep your eyes on him. None of this is easy, especially with a father who refuses to help, and that has not been lost on your son, trust me, but you will have to get tough, and not let him run over you. I wish you luck.

Fr_Chuck · May 9, 2007, 07:49 AM

Yes, and I will add "peer pressure" not to do sports, the jocks at least the way I remember it from my kids are a serious peer group of their own, and one most others did not mess with. If it is his "peers" he may well have changed to some wrong friends.

startover22 · May 9, 2007, 09:33 AM

Talaniman, you hit it on the nail. I would also like to say that there should be no job unless he gets good grades. He will respect you more if you set some ground rules. Going through his room is a great idea, I am sure you will find things about your son that you never knew. That's OK though, just work through until he can trust you and you can trust him again. Therapy might help with that, then he can have a serious conversation with someone who is there to listen to him. Otherwise he will talk to his friends and get crazy advice. Good luck! And call dad to help.