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hollyhunter · May 7, 2007, 12:39 PM

Well my husband never does anything with me and my 4 month old son. If he's not coming home and going to bed, he's going fishing. The only time we are spending together is when we're asleep, and when he begs me to have sex. What should I do?

startover22 · May 7, 2007, 12:42 PM

Go fishing with him! Then start taking interest in having sex with him, then he will want to spend time with you guys. Just a few simple steps, I hate going fishing but I do it all the time with him because it makes him happy, now the kids and I love it and we are always looking for the next good day to go. No you shouldn't leave him over that, maybe the lines of communication are closed and just need to be opened up. Have a nice talk with him try not to be accusing, that never works for me! Good luck.

startover22 · May 7, 2007, 01:12 PM

hollyhunter, you can get many more opinions on this same subject if you post your questions in the answer your question here box below your posts... Go ahead they all love giving great advice. It will surely be different than mine, and a lot of times better than my advice.

gypsy456 · May 7, 2007, 03:05 PM

Let me get this straight... you ask "should I stay with my husband" because he does not spend enough time with you and your 4 year old son...

You are married... married... commitment... married... hollyhunter, there is a 4 month old baby involved... how can you ask "should I leave him"...

Leaving is the easy way...
You said the words "for better and for worse.." what did you think.. that marriage was going to be one big party...

Sorry... in a way I think that it makes sense what Startover22 says... but if you would read between the line of her mail you will probably also read "do things together" and even if you do not like fishing make an effort... and once you make an effort it will become easier to communicate together...

I do things I don't really like... but I am married, I am making an effort.. and guess what ? When I do the things with my husband -even though I don't do it for myself- it is not that bad after all... because we do things together...

You have a 4 month old baby... that surely must say something.

Marriage is not easy hollyhunter, it is not.. it is hard work but it is worth it...

Good luck

Krs · May 8, 2007, 01:29 AM

Talk about it. Come to a compromise together.
Communication is always the key.

You are a full time mom looking after your kid and he is a full time working dad to support you and your kid.

missk · May 8, 2007, 01:29 PM

Just talk to him. Tell him how important it is that you do things together as a family. Go to a park or like the others said- go fishing with him or go for walks with the baby-sit outside with a blanket with baby and have picnic. Just hang in there-it's hard at first-your baby is only 4 months old. I think when baby gets older, he will be more interested and more involved. You need to take the initiative and let him know how you feel and suggest doing things together. If you don't talk to him, he might not even know you feel this way. As far as he is concerned, everything might be a-okay.

NowWhat · May 9, 2007, 10:39 AM

You need to keep the lines of communication open. We always hear about what an adjustment it is for a new mom. Not much about for the new dad. There is a lot of pressure for a guy because now he is responsible for this little life and keeping the house going and all of this and that.
Has he ever invited you to go fishing? If he does go. IF you ask to go and he says no - don't take it personally. He may use this time as his "me time" - we all need it. But there has to be a balance. He needs to know how you are feeling. And you can put it into terms that he may understand.
For me, if I wasn't getting attention before the lights went out - it was hard to give attention after they went out. A guy doesn't understand that. You need to tell him that. Because I am sure you feel more like an object than a wife sometimes.
He just needs to understand - you need to talk and make an effort to do things as a family.

Megan-x · May 9, 2007, 10:57 AM

Well to be honest what's the point of being with this man if all he wants is pleasure whilst during the day your slaving off doing everything you can for your baby? He has fun fishing when your looking after your lovely child which I'm sure you enjoy but its hard work for you. Personally I think your husbands sat back laughing and having a great life. But if you do leave him you will be struggled with being a single mother and maybe even have to fight custody. I would talk it over first with your husband and if he doesn't like the idea then you can consider leaving. Hope I was help. Megan-x

JoeCanada76 · May 9, 2007, 11:13 AM

People assume a lot. Megan-x how the f--- do you know the husband has it easy. Maybe he slaves away at work most of the week to support the mother and baby at home, but I guess you never thought of that did you. This lady was and seems to be looking for an easy way out. Well guess what. Having a baby changes a lot of things. Oh poor mommy has to stay home and take care of the new baby. SLAVING AWAY, what about the poor father who slaves away at work to try to pay the bills, and support the family.

Joe

Megan-x · May 9, 2007, 11:17 AM

Oh I'm so sorry! This is to help people and that was MY opinion! So I don't really care what you got to say! Don't even think about trying to start a pointless argument! If you really want to no it says "My husband never helps me and my 4 month year son" So stay out of what I put!

startover22 · May 9, 2007, 11:20 AM

All right you guys! Enough. Just let it go so we can help this lady out. She just need some help, being a new mother and alone can do silly things to a person, but there are ways to help yourself and not self pity yourself to death. HollyHunter, are you still out there, have you taken any of this advice?

hollyhunter · May 9, 2007, 11:26 AM

Yes, I have taken a lot of y'all advice and thank you for that. Some of you were harsh but you were just giving your opinion. So I really appreciate it. Thank you.

startover22 · May 9, 2007, 11:28 AM

Is he hearing what your saying? Is he picckin up what your puttin down? Is he reading what your writing? Are you giving any good loving to that great man of yours?

JoeCanada76 · May 9, 2007, 11:55 AM

When there is no communication or little communication that is when the break down of a relationship begins.

Baby is a lot of work, but women have been taken care of babies and yes doing it on their own since the beginning of time. There are many people now a days that are going back to mom staying home and husband out working.

Do you know how much pressure there is for a man. To keep his family together, to support and pay everything and to make sure things are taken care of. So your both working. It is important to always look at it both sides and not just one way.

Some people wanted to pounce on the husband right away, making it all the guys fault but there are two sides of the story. About the fishing, guess what guys get together and fish. It is normal.

So he has his outing time, if you feel the need. You have your outing time.

Or both of you two together fine something that is common for both of you and spend time together doing it. This will bring you closer and you will have a chanch to stay strong with each other.

Everybody needs their own space. Every couple needs their own time together. Dedicated couple time. That is the only way to keep close and keep communication open.

Joe

startover22 · May 9, 2007, 12:04 PM

I know this sounds crazy to most people, but keeping yourself busy with house work and such really does help, and being proud of yourself for a good supper made, well that is the best feeling in the world. Clean clothes and dinner in the oven and happy babies. There is something to be said about all of that!

NowWhat · May 9, 2007, 01:44 PM

Your child is 4 months old. You are BOTH going through changes. After my child was born - we actually got into a fight because my husband had the NERVE to leave his socks lay on the floor! Can you believe that? I look back now and laugh. I actually had a fight over one pair of dirty socks!
My husband makes the money and allows me to stay home and raise our daughter. It is stressful! The pressure to care for himself, his wife and now his child is almost crushing at times. I know he and I are not alone in the pressures of life.
But the key is to not give up - this will pass - and you MUST communicate!
Do not let this fester. IF you are having some issues with his behavior - talk to him. He maybe having issues to and if that is the case and you both are sitting there getting angrier at each other - what is getting accomplished - nothing.
So COMMUNICATE. Trust each other enough to realize that Both of you are going through changes as new parents - experience it together.

JoeCanada76 · May 9, 2007, 05:24 PM

Communication does not work for you because you have not tried. There are many solutions out there. It is up to you to try it. Communication goes both ways. Just because he may make sounds and says what do you want? Uhm, why not answer him?

hollyhunter · May 9, 2007, 05:48 PM

What you are not understanding is I DO talk to him and its like it goes through one ear and out the other. I'm raising 2 children. He still acts like the little teenager I married.

Tira68 · May 9, 2007, 06:10 PM

It sounds like you are having a hard time communicating with your husband. Why don't you try and plan a day of fishing with just him and yourself... have someone watch your kids. Since he loves fishing so much he would be in his element, and probably more open to actual real conversation. I would make a list of all the things you want to talk with him about, and pick maybe your number one complaint to start with. Also, I would ask him about issues he might have with you so that he doesn't feel like he is getting picked on. The last thing you want is to get him on the defensive side of things, because that's when it will all start going in one ear and out the other. After trying this a couple times if you don't have success I would tell him you want to seek out counseling to help you both communicate better.

JoeCanada76 · May 9, 2007, 07:04 PM

Originally Posted by hollyhunter

What you are not understanding is I DO talk to him and its like it goes through one ear and out the other. I'm raising 2 children. he still acts like the little teenager I married.

Your approach is not working, that means your not communicating. Men and women communicate differently. Instead of giving up why not get into counseling which will help you with ways of bettering your communication skills. Also give him the option of going with you and having counseling sessions together.

Your raising 2 children. That is fine. That does not change anything I said previously.

Communication is key, and maybe there is a reason why it goes in one ear and out the other.