[Gibblets]

For those of you who aren't familiar with my story, I'll quickly sum it up:

I've been seeing this girl for over a month now and we have great chemistry. Things moved quickly and around 3 weeks into it, she asked me to sleep over. We did not and have not had sex (of any kind) so when we sleep over it's just some cuddling and kissing, etc. She confessed to me that she still talks to her ex, and it got me worried that she was using me for a rebound. They went out for 3 years, broke up a year ago but remain friends. I have no idea what I want out of this companionship so I haven't given the ex much thought because there's no real reason to. Things got a little heavier in bed last week where we began to do more sexual things and she started crying, saying that she's vulnerable and is trying her hardest to trust me but it will take time. She also told me that if I didn't want to see her anymore because of her ex, she'd understand.

So fast forward to last night, where I decided it was about time to address these issues. We were messing around again, and this time it progressed to oral sex before she started crying and backing off. At this point, I realized that I had to say something, so I told her that we need to slow it way down with the physical intimacy and simply have light fun and really learn about each other. I suggested that we either stop sleepovers altogether or do them but not get sexual at all. She agreed.

I told her that I have no idea what I want or where I want this to go, only that I like her and want to find out more about her. I basically said that it doesn't hurt to go slow and just let this thing take us where it's meant to go. She smiled and agreed and asked that we both get an STD test which may alleviate some of her anxieties of messing around.

I don't know what else I could have said, but at least we are on the same page. Both of us are about a year out from very serious long term relationships and are both kind of hesitant of diving into something new and deep. Only time will tell I suppose.

[sypher373]

Sounds like you did great. It's a perfect start to a possible relationship -- open communication.

I wouldn't be worried at all. On top of making yourself feel better, I'm sure she feels safer with you now to. It shows that you care about her, as well as the both of you together.

Congrats.

[Gibblets]

Sounds like you did great. Its a perfect start to a possible relationship -- open communication.

I wouldn't be worried at all. On top of making yourself feel better, im sure she feels safer with you now to. It shows that you care about her, as well as the both of you together.

Congrats.

Thanks man.

Yeah I just didn't want to keep it going without knowing where we stood- not in the sense of "oh, are we an official couple" but more so about where we were in terms of our hearts and minds about the possibilities contained in our current companionship.

I'm just worried that I'll be used as a rebound, but she told me last night she's cutting off all contact with her ex and that she's trying her best to move on. I can tell it's hard- I mean, it's pretty obvious when she starts crying as we get intimate. It makes me feel terrible and I always stop right away but I don't know... it just shows how deeply she's affected by all of this.

Do you guys have any suggestions as to how I can slowly get her to open up to me? Not to take advantage of her by any means, but just so she can trust me and not feel as vulnerable? I guess her feeling vulnerable when she's with me is a good thing? Because it shows that she has feelings for me? I don't know...

[sypher373]

First off,
I know that you can control being used as a rebound, and I think you know you can control it too. If you control the speed of the relationship, there is no way that she can 'use you' for anything. Its important for you to take it slow, but you know that. Make sure she has the time to decide what she's doing before you get too committed.

Im not too sure about her opening up to you, but I think that her being vulnerable when she's with you could turn into a bad thing if you don't keep an eye on it. You don't want a girl that is going to be so overly attached that "she can't live without you". Not sure how true that is, just some ideas.

[Gibblets]

First off,
I know that you can control being used as a rebound, and I think you know you can control it too. If you control the speed of the relationship, there is no way that she can 'use you' for anything. Its important for you to take it slow, but you know that. Make sure she has the time to decide what shes doing before you get too committed.

Im not too sure about her opening up to you, but I think that her being vulnerable when shes with you could turn into a bad thing if you dont keep an eye on it. You don't want a girl that is going to be so overly attached that "she can't live without you". Not sure how true that is, just some ideas.

Yes I agree. There's a difference between us agreeing to take it slow versus actually doing so.

Currently, we see each other no more than once or twice a week, usually on a weekend and some random day during the week. We either have a sleep over or we go out and do some activity. Do you think this is slow enough? Or shall I slow it down even more? Maybe see each other once every two weeks? Ideas would help as to how slow is slow enough.

As for the sleep overs, I have great self-control so when we do sleep over, we won't be having intimate contact anymore, well at least until we are both tested, which should give us some more time.

[talaniman]

Your handling of things is right on, logical and caring. As you talk more you can begin to see where your going, and if she is moving on in her on mind with the ex. Keep those expectations under control, and the pace your at should be okay. Much Luck.