[trujew]

Hi everyone. For some of you, you already know my dillemma with my ex boyfriend. I've been writing a couple of times already about how I was dating a married man who was poly, but then we broke up. Where I am at today (now about three weeks since the breakup) is trying to maintain a friendship with him. I know, I know... many of you have said I should break all ties off with him (and I think you are all right). Problem being is that it's easier said than done. I know that if I keep a friendship thing going, its still a way of being attached to him but I feel its killing me inside to let go. I just don't want to let go!

Ugggghhh... I feel so weak and almost ashamed of my behavior but I feel so connected to this guy I don't want to lose him all together in my life. Meanwhile everything inside me says I know I need to break it off because I can't find true love (which I claim I want so much) with him still in the picture. I mean, I am trying to convince myself that maybe I could have a friendship with him. Anything in life is possible... right? I still have a friendship with my ex husband? The only difference between my ex husband and this guy is that I am still very much in love with my ex boyfriend. My ex husband I don't feel the love I used to feel with him.

I just don't get my behavior. Some days I am strong as an ox while other days I swear I act like a teen in love. I don't want to sit here and put myself down and or justify my actions because that doesn't provide for anything. I know counseling is a thought I am possibly going to pursue for this. I mean I sit here and write to you all and share myself and I do take peoples advice but not fully. I think perhaps I am just too scared to face being alone. I think that's it. I know that I deserve more than sharing my man with someone. But I feel so strongly connected to this guy I want to scream sometimes. I have met several guys over the last few months and don't feel what I feel with my ex boyfriend.

All right, well I am going to tell on myself right now... I ended up sleeping with my ex boyfriend the other night. We had a talk the next morning about how we can't do this (or I should say I told him this). I know I shouldn't have slept with him but I feel so lost and empty inside.

I also feel like I am being selfish and perhaps taking advantage of the situation. One of the things we keep doing is talking to each other like we are sort of still together. We still say I love you to each other. In fact, this May 18th we would have been together a year and my ex said last night to me on the phone, that I better not make plans for that day because we are going out. I was kind of caught off guard and a bit weirded by that. He acts more of being in denial than I do. I think he really can't believe we are over. Even though we've had discussions about just being friends many times already.

Sometimes I think that just to keep him, maybe I should join a poly group myself. What the heck is going on with me?? Am I that really in love with this guy that I can't see that someone else out there could be just as good or better than this guy? Why do women like me do DUMB things like this?

Give me the reality check I need to hear people... but have some compassion too! Is there a chance for a friendship? I can see by ending all ties it would clear my head up and I can move forward. But I think I am just afraid and part of me is still holding onto expectations that he will try and get me back.

Peace to all.:(

[Lez]

Its going to be hard for you to go from having that closness with him to just friends. Sounds like he don't want it to be over as well but like you say you deserve more than having to shear his love with someone else you won't feel selteled and truly happy if there is someone else in the picture.
Have you had time to yourself to think over things or did you go straight in to the friendship soon as you split? I'm not saying cutt of all contact because you don't want to loose him completely but you need your space to sort out what it is you really want.
For him saying I love you back will only make you build up hopes and he needs to know that he needs to decide what it is he really wants to and for him to have his space. How much contact do you have with him?

[trujew]

Its gonna be hard for you to go from having that closness with him to just friends. sounds like he dont want it to be over as well but like you say you deserve more than having to shear his love with someone else you wont feel selteled and truly happy if there is someone else in the picture.
have you had time to yourself to think over things or did you go straight in to the friendship soon as you split? im not saying cutt of all contact because you dont want to loose him compleatly but you need your space to sort out what it is you really want.
for him saying i love you back will only make you build up hopes and he needs to know that he needs to decide what it is he really wants to and for him to have his space. how much contact do you have with him?

Since our breakup, no, we haven't spent time away from each other (phone wise that is).

[Lez]

I would cutt back a bit on how much you spend talking on the phone just for a little while give him his time to see what it is he wants explain to him that its doing you head in. they say absents makes the heart grow fonder

[Zebra]

Okay - You ask for a compassionate reality check so here goes. I read your message several times and, as best I can tell, your ex-bf was and still is married.

You are not going to like this - If he was and is willing to run around on her, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same thing to you if you were married to him? Speaking as a guy myself, trust me, he would!

This relationship is only good for one of you and it isn't you. Wave good-bye, close the door, put it in gear and drive away. Your real "Prince Charming" is waiting just around the next curve, and you will be able recognize him because he will treat you like a real "Princess".

[trujew]

Okay - You ask for a compassionate reality check so here goes. I read your message several times and, as best I can tell, your ex-bf was and still is married.

You are not going to like this - If he was and is willing to run around on her, what makes you think he wouldn't do the same thing to you if you were married to him? Speaking as a guy myself, trust me, he would!

This relationship is only good for one of you and it isn't you. Wave good-bye, close the door, put it in gear and drive away. Your real "Prince Charming" is waiting just around the next curve, and you will be able recognize him because he will treat you like a real "Princess".

Something about what you wrote here just felt so extremely comforting to me. Thank you so very much!

[sypher373]

I think you're a bit scared about leaving him behind because you are afriad that will ruin any chances you have for a friendship in the future...

What you need to understand, is that if he is a friend worth having, he will understand that you need space to yoruself. You said it yourself, it will let your head clear. Once your head is cleared, then you can pursue a friendship with him, if that's still what you want. Don't be afraid that taking time and space to yourself means you will never be friends with him, your not ruling anything out.

It seems that may be part of your fear... sound right?

[talaniman]

Your to close and emotionally involved to be friends now so forget it and concentrate on getting a healthier life. He is pursuing you to make you part of his harem and as long as you stay in contact with him you will never realise what you want from life. Whether he understands this or not, what you want is important so stop contacting him and get a life that you enjoy and stop thinking with your heart and get the facts. Either be a part of his harem or be free to find your own happiness. That poly whatever is crap in my book (harem sounds good, but my wife would kill me just for thinking it)

[brkfstatiffs]

I just went through a really hard break up a few months ago with my ex live-in now ex boyfriend. Things got really messy at the end, another woman etc. All I can say is that for 6 MONTHS I wanted to do the friends thing and felt it was impossible to not have him in my life at all. Promises were made to me , I gave him my trust over and over so we could build a friendship... and in the end, 7 months down the line I have finally learned to let go. We haven't spoken in 2 weeks now and sadly that's the longest stretch. But I think I've finally moved on. It still hurts, especially knowing there was another girl, but each day I become stronger. Keep yourself busy, get out and date, go out of town with friends, that's what I did. I know in the future we will be there for each other as friends, as that's what we both want, but in the meantime, I need my space and strength.

[brkfstatiffs]

p.s. that's another reason I realized I need space, we would sleep together too from time to time, and in the end even though it was exciting and felt good, it brought emotions back into play. A big no-no. if you go out and do your thing, he will respect that and in the end probably be begging for you back.

[gypsy456]

Does not sound too healthy to me.

You are emotionally way too much involved.
And isn't he married??

Let go... let go and move on.

Just move...