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AW805 · May 6, 2007, 12:17 AM

Help! My daughter is 19 years old. She just came home from her first year of college and we have learned that she failed most of her classes. After her first semester, she was struggling and my husband and I sat her down and calmly discussed options for her. She promised that she would do well... but now we find out her grades are worse than ever! We live on the west coast and she was attending a Christian college in a nearby state, now she is telling us that she wants to work part time and attend a community college part time in Louisiana with a couple of friends from high school. Needless to say we are shocked with the failing grades and now wanting to move (on our dime of course). When we told her we were no longer going to finance her and that she needed to pay back all the money she wasted on college, she agreed. We know that she's been secretly plotting to keep the money and move with her friends. She tells us that she has no where to go for now and needs to stay with us to save money but to top it all off she's just been plain mean. She's been acting really distant from us and has been saying unkind things about me to her friends. I don't know where this is all coming from. Whenever I try to talk to her she's rude and rolls her eyes. I don't know what to do... I'm just sick about all of this. I don't want to be taken advantage of but I don't want to leave her in a lurk because she is young and has bad judgement.

JoeCanada76 · May 6, 2007, 12:29 AM

She is 19 years old and she needs to be left in a lurk in order to show her responsibility.

She may have bad judgement, but you brought her up and now it is her turn to make decisions for herself and to learn how to deal with the consequences.

Who cares what she is saying to friends. That is none of your concern unless what she is saying is true.

What are her friends like? Sounds like they are not that good if she is secretly plotting to move with them?

Anyway, the only thing you can do is let her leave the nest and let her learn what the real world reality is.

Of course, this needs to be decided between you and your husband together as a family on how to deal with the daughter.

THat is just my take on it, good luck.

AW805 · May 6, 2007, 11:34 AM

We talked about her leaving and going out on her own without my help but she says that she needs to stay home for the summer to earn money. Should I let her stay or give her a timeline?

Also, I do care about what she says about me to her friends or anyone else. I've asked her why she is so angry and rude to me this last past year and she said she doesn't know why. I think its disrespectful to speak about your parents in a negative way. I've been her biggest supporter so it hurts me. I would have never spoke ill about my parents and never have. Maybe I'm old fashioned.

PS. We did not pressure her or have an expectation for her to go to college, she chose to.

iscorpio · May 6, 2007, 12:24 PM

I think maybe sometimes parents put too much pressure on their children to pass exams and such, this alone can cause them to fail, you do not have to pass exams to be successful in life, you just have to be dedicated to your chosen career. Take care, love and peace anne x

talaniman · May 6, 2007, 01:44 PM

You have been very supportive to her and now she has to make her own choices about her life, so let her. If she is still there after the summer she has to pay her way, or move, that simple. As parents we do the best we know how and we have to learn when to let go and let them find there own way. She is young and will grow and realise how you love her and are so in her corner, but for now if she is trying help where you can but you don't have to take crap if she is ungrateful. As long as you and hubbie are on the same page, you'll be okay and so will she. These are emotional times for all as she is wondering about her future and so are you, but she has to recognise bad treatment of her parents will not be tolerated.

shygrneyzs · May 6, 2007, 01:49 PM

NO, don't support her. If you do allow her to stay home this Summer, may her pay part of the expenses. She can buy her own food, cook her own food, do her own laundry, clean her own room, etc. Make it as uncomfortable as you can. She can work two jobs too - to save that money up. You have a list of expectations for her and a list of rules - including curfews. When she does not comply, adios.

I know that does sound terribly harsh but many of us have survived times like that. It is easy to be the adult when you are being that adult on Mom and Dad's dime. The best thing my parents did for me was to give me my wake up call. Sink or swim.

s_cianci · May 6, 2007, 01:58 PM

Keep in mind that college isn't for everybody. I agree that, if she is not attending school full time and maintaining satisfactory grades, then she pays her own way. And yes, she should pay back the money she wasted by failing out of college. And if she continues to treat you disrespectfully, then she finds a new home.

jillygirl524 · May 6, 2007, 10:57 PM

Would let her go to a community college close to your house and tell her to live at home, otherwise she can pay foreverything on her own. Also community colleges are much better for certain people who are better hands on rather can a grade only based on 2 exams

AW805 · May 7, 2007, 07:37 AM

Thank you to everyone for great advise and comments. It's always harder making decisions when you are emotionally involved. I really needed this.

AW805 · May 7, 2007, 05:33 PM

This is a continuation of a prior post of my daughter the jerk.

My husband is out of town visiting his parents and I don't want to call him with this. It's just I don't know why I feeling like I'm being betrayed by my daughter. She is no longer planning to move to Louisiana but she is still moving out of state to be with friends. She's not talking to me about it. She's being really secretive and it upsets me because she owes us so much money for her first year college. I haven't let on that I know. I just don't know how and why she is such a phoney. I didn't raise her to be this way. She was raised with good Christian morals.

I guess I just pretend like I don't know anything until she drops the bomb on me(?) She has said so many things about me to her best friend that she hates me. She actually wrote my daughter and said that. I'm trying to play it cool. It's just that I'm the type of person who is (tactfully) honest and to the point so it is tough pretending.

shygrneyzs · May 7, 2007, 06:36 PM

What do you have to lose by confronting your daughter with what you know? What could she say? She will either admit it or lie again. Maybe she will get upset and move out now. You deserve to hear the truth from your daughter and she owes you and your husband the truth, not just to hang on in your home until the time is right for her to fly out the door, thinking she really got one over on her parents.

I really feel for you in this tough situation. We love our children, but we do not have to love everything they do. God bless you and your husband and your daughter. Hope all works out well.

jillygirl524 · May 7, 2007, 07:52 PM

Just confont her, if she ows you so much money.. cut off her cell phone, car other things, pluss when she moves she will be paying for things she never did before and won't be able to afford it and come back such as (cable, internet, food, gas, car insurance, laudrey detergent, electricity-water-heat, tolietries, tons of stuff, also I would'nt let her take her TV, bed, desk and other things in her room that really belong to you, explain the situation to her, also call her dad its his daugther too he should have a choice, also again she is the one who betrayed you its not the other way around