[NowWhat]

Hello All. I was watching TV the other day and the show was about "Mommy Wars". Have you heard of this?

Mom's think their way is the "right" way to parent their kids and all others are wrong.
What do you think?

What are your views on:

*Stay at Home vs. working
*breast feeding vs. bottle feeding
*Strictly organic vs. fast food
*spanking vs. not
*Play date/happy hour vs. plain old play dates
*cloth diapers vs. disposable

I can't think of anymore. I was shocked to see how passionate these women were. I mean, I like what I do with my child - it works for me. But, I know it may not work for you.
Any thoughts?

[Lonasnead]

Hi - thanks for asking that question - I'm not an 'expert' just concerned about this very topic. As a single, divorced, mother of two only children - 17 years apart - I do feel I have played both positions. I worked outside of the home - throughout the childhood of my oldest - from 3 months through most of his college years. With family first to care for him - then we moved, he had started school and I used the after school programs. His summers were spent with family. We had wonderful weekend time together - I was younger and keeping up active outside the home was important to me. We lived near the beach and everyday was a beach day after work. During pregnancy with my daughter I decided I wanted to stay home and be with her all the time. I was able to do that for the first 5 years and I'm so very glad I did. I was able to enjoy all the time with her - watch her first steps, first words, giggles, antics. I journaled for her - her personal book is filled - and at 29 she is amazed at all I kept track of for her future enjoyment (and mine). Now with that said... I used a babysitter when I wanted to go shopping or have a lunch out with friends and even though I felt I had done my homework in checking out sitters I was absolutely appalled at three separate incidents, with three separate sitters. Appalled! Then I chose a drop in well known country wide operated chain for the rare occasions I needed/wanted to go out without my child. That was more satisfactory. However, at age 3 I chose Montessori 1/2 day for her - that was a wonderful decision! 3 days a week - 1/2 day. She was in a truly wonderful learning enviorement. In looking back I can, and have told both of my children - please, from the time of your marriage live on one paycheck - because you'll have children and one of you needs to stay home with the child - that way financially you'll be ready to do it. It doesn't matter which parent it is - it needs to be one of them. You don't want/need someone imposing their ideals, or lack of ideals, even religion, upon your child. You want your manners, your thoughts of the way to behave, to respect, to speak, to eat, to talk, to immulate you to show in your child. Not the gum-chewing, shouting, slapping, etc (not that all child care givers do that by any means) - but only the mother and father should determine how a child should interact within and outside of their home. If you allow someone else to do so you have lost all control. Humble, wordy, opinion.

*Bottle - it's just plain easier... I've done both
*No to fast food - not necessary in today's world - or limit it to once out of a month
*I have to admit that I spanked my son (one or two 'whacks' with my hand on his bottom) - but rarely - not severe - he's a wonderful man today full of respect for me.
*I never spanked my daughter - and wished I had at times lol! I never yelled/screamed at her - so her first time hearing an adult scream at her (1st grade teacher no less) she broke down in tears and the teacher had to bring her into my office at the school (I worked there) because she couldn't stop sobbing she was so frightened.
*Play, play, play - as much as you can - time flies - it truly, truly flies by to fast.
*Disposable - let's be real here people. I had to use the cloth for my son - I wouldn't even consider it for my daughter.

I don't have grandchildren - my son's wife has cancer - so none there. My daughter is being married in a few months and they have asked me, already, if I will help them when that time comes. None on the way yet. I will and I'm happy to be asked.

You have to do what works for you and your child so that you both are happy and benefit from your relationship not only now but in both of your futures.

Humble opinion.

[Emland]

I'm going to give the cranky old woman answer. I don't care.

I don't care what you do, I am going to do what works for me!

1.) If you are able to stay home - that is wonderful. I am going to take a big ol' leap of faith and guess the majority of us work because we have to.

2.) Breast is best, but if work or genetics (mine was no good) doesn't allow it - bottle is fine. Combo of the two works, too.

3.) Organic? I used organic milk when I weened my kids off formula. It really tastes great - but $6 a gallon kind of makes it budget unfriendly. Thank heavens for Chik fil-a.

4.) Spankings - swats when toddler - haven't needed anything heavier than that.

5.) I don't even know what a play date happy hour is.

6.) Both types create waste whether you are using lots of water and soap or filling the landfill.

If the way you raise your kids is totally opposite with mine, I am completely fine with that with the exception of you going crazy with number 4 and taking it to a different level.

You have to do what is right for you and your family!

[robertsqueen]

What are your views on:

*Stay at Home vs. workingI think that it is up to you. I personally am going to work becuase I love working.
*breast feeding vs. bottle feedingI had to bottle feed beucase I have large breasts and it was impossible.
*Strictly organic vs. fast foodI think its up to you. I don't feed my son organic food, but I also try not to feed him fast food.
*spanking vs. not I think that if you spank for a good reason then thats fine...like for a childs safty.
*Play date/happy hour vs. plain old play datesI don't have time for playdates. I make my own playdates with my son.
*cloth diapers vs. disposable Dispoable. I don't have time to deal with cloth.

Those were some good topics... here are a few more:
Giving the sex talk/having the school do it
2 percent milk/skim milk
Doctors advice/families advice

[startover22]

Stay at home mom all the way. Unless you are talking about someone who just can't, single mother, husband not working and so on) I love being my kids real mother. Let me explain: I do daycare, not only because I need to pay bills but I have a true and honest love for children. The kids coming to my house from & am to 6 or so in the evening, they don't want to leave. They are in a very stable situation here, I love the fact that my kids get the much needed interaction too. My husband and I made a choice when our first out of four were born, that was to stay home. We made that choice by not living up to the Jones, not buying everything on credit cards, we only get what we can afford. Now let me tell you, when my kids are old enough and in school, and I get to work, well I am going to get that pair of pants that I pass by for the cheaper ones, I will get my nails done, I might even have ten pair of shoes instead of the same ones every single day. To you moms out there, you do not have to be like everyone else, they don't matter, your kids do. SORRY IF I OFFENDED ANYONE.
Breatsfeeding, with my first two I did not breastfeed, with my last two I was older and more comfortable, so I did. I wish I would have with my first two. What a difference it made between those babies and I...
I love healthy food, I also like taco bell. What ever as long as most of it is healthy. We usually have fast food 1 or 2 times a month, or none for that matter. We do eat a lot of ice cream though. I think the issue in our family is definitely the ice cream. Lot's of good conversations come about when you gather round for a good ice cream cone!
I think a good swat on the butt is necessary in some situations, I think I have used spankings maybe 15-20 times that includes all of my four kids in the last 12 years. I would rather not. I like soap for garbage mouths and timeouts for the rest. Even my 12 year old gets a timeout every once in a while, and boy does he come back to reality real quick. How embarrassing to get one of those when you are 12.
Play? Always play, but not past 8:00 cause that is when mom tunes into a pumpkin! Let's all unwind a little together by then... Unless we all just can't help it!
Huggies all the way... not much else to say on that one.
Love your posts, can't wait to see what comes of it!

[NowWhat]

For those of you that don't know what a play date/ happy hour is (I didn't either until I watched this show) - it is where a group of moms get together at a bar/restaurant and have appetizers and drinks while the babies basically sit there. It is more of a Mommy play date.

You know when I think about the future talk I am going to have to have with my 6 year old about sex - I cringe and wish I could let the school do it. But - I won't.

Eating out - we like it. I don't do a lot of fast food - more because of my waist line than anything. I made my baby food when she was little - one it saved money and two it actually tasted like what is supposed to be in the jars and three it was so easy. So, she eats a lot of different things now - her favorite is SUSHI! She's 6!
We do make sure she has a balanced meal that is healthy.

Diapers - I would have loved to do cloth - they have come along way - but no diapering service came out to where I live and I was not going to wash them myself - so we did Huggies!

I didn't even think about the milk - we drink 2 percent. I have never had skim.

Doctor's advice or family - maybe both? I don't know.

Stay at home for me. It seems like when I gave birth to my daughter - all my trust for other people came out with her. I could not imagine having someone else watch her.
We are blessed because we can do that. There are sacrifices - most of my clothes come from Wally World - but it is worth it. But - I don't think a mom is awful if she works. Most moms would probably like to be home - but just can't. Some moms would go crazy if they were at home all the time. For me - I like being at home and available.

Breast feeding - I TRIED! She was a big baby and wanted to nurse ALL THE TIME! My milk did not have enough fat content to satisfy her - so after 5 weeks we went to the bottle. But... if you want to and can - good for you.

I do spank when needed. Don't like to, but sometimes it is necessary.

[Squiffy]

Here are my answers! Honestly I think most mums do what is right for their kids, maybe not right for others, but right for their own!

1) I have been both a working mum and a stay at home. I loved working, I returned to work very soon after both my kids were born and didn't realise how much of their early stages I missed out on. My mum looked after them both while I worked. Now I am a stay at home, I love being able to raise them myself, but my mum still has them so I can do my own thing. I couldn't be a full time stay at home mum without a break! I need socialisation too!

2) Always a personal decision. I bottle fed my two after the colustrum, my daughter was premmie and had to be tube fed, my milk dried up too quickly depsite me trying to express. My son wasn't even slightly interested in breastfeeding, he would lay there with his mouth open rather than feed, unless there was a bottle! I will admit I hated the feel of breastfeeding, it didn't suit me!

3) Neither organic or fast food really. My mum cooks most of their food from scratch (she enjoys cooking!) but they do sometimes have fast food.

4) Spanking if necessary, not essential to me though.

5) I meet up with other friends of mine with kids and we let the kids play while we drink tea! They have plenty of normal play daes too though, so a bit of both I guess!

6) Disposbles for me. Maybe not earth friendly, but definitely mummy friendly for this mummy!

'giving the sex talk/having the school do it'
For me both would work. I have no issue with talking with my kids about sex, it doesn't embarrass or bother me, but I don't have a problem with school helping out there either.

2 percent milk/skim milk
I use semi skimmed (I am in the uk)

doctors advice/families advice
Again both work for me, I trust my mums opinions, and my partners too, but still value my doctors advice too!

[ordinaryguy]

I'm reminded of a quote I once heard attributed to Margaret Mead, the famous anthropologist. She said that after studying child rearing practices in different cultures all over the world, the only generalization she could come up with was that when it comes to raising children, "any way at all will work".

I've been in on the raising of two (the youngest is about to turn 20), and my take on it is that parents tend to overestimate the amount of impact they have on who their children become. We often take too much credit when it turns out well and too much blame when it doesn't. Human beings are so damn individualistic, and they have this really annoying thing called free will, so the combination makes it pretty hard to tell how much of the outcome is due to the choices parents made about how to raise them.

Like a lot of the other really important things we do in life, it seems to work better if we don't take ourselves so seriously that we mess it up by trying too hard to control too much too completely.

[vlee]

Wow! A lot of questions! Let me see...

I stay home with my kids, but think working is OK too.

I did not breast feed, I did bottles and that worked out well for my kids and for me. Of course I have no arguments against breast feeding.

We don't eat much organic food around here, but I am a mom who makes a home made meal every almost night. We do pick up fast food during weekend shopping excursions.

You all know I think spanking is OK as long as it isn't overused.

I had no idea what a happy hour play date was until I read this post, and honestly, who the hell takes their kids to a bar as a place to socialize? What ever happened to the park? We don't do play dates, I am the sole entertainer and I take my son to a mom and me class each week.

I couldn't fathom using a cloth diaper. I am definitely for the convenience of disposables. I know they are bad for the environment. Hopefully someone will invent the biodegradable diaper. But until then...

My kids drink 2% milk and always have from the day they stopped with formula. I drink skim.

Sex? Mine are young enough that it hasn't come up yet, but when it does I think it'll be good to get the info in both places. You can never have too much information.

Advice... I usually rely on my gut when it comes to my kids. I take family advice into account, but I think I probably put more stock in doctor's advice.

[NowWhat]

What struck me as I watched this show was how PASSIONATE these women were on these subjects.
There are books out there that are dedicated solely to this topic.
They say we moms compete with one another. Do you think that is true?
I mean when your girlfriend tells you that her kid is doing this - do you feel the urge to one up her?
Do we secretly look down on those that aren't in our situation? Like for us stay at home moms - so you think we look down on those who work and vice versa?

For me - I say do what works for you. That's what I am doing. I try my best and I hope I am doing the right things.

[alkalineangel]

I work, but would love to stay at home, and actually might have to with the second one on the way... daycare is expensive, but I am not going to work just to pay daycare just so I can work, you know...

I breastfed, and pumped and bottle fed breast milk when I was away... I have no qualms about formula, my son even drank that every so often, when we got low on reserved BM, but I like what's free...

I think organic food is silly. I don't have a problem with good old fashioned fruits and veggies that were grown however they were chemicals or not... never hurt me growing up... My son hates fast food. He will only eat home cooked meals. I still haven't found a good reason to change that.

I believe in spanking, but there is definitely a difference b/w a swat on the butt and throwing a kid across the room...

We have playdates once or twice a week, mainly the zoo, or the park, and despite the fact that we would probably all want one, there are no cocktails included...

Disposable all the way... I don't like the idea of washing the poop away when I can just fold it and toss it...

We are on 1% now, but I think that's the lowest I can manage... skim tastes like water... I am more of a soy person anyway... we have sensitive stomachs...

I will tell my son about sex...

Advice... I'll listen to anyone, do my own research, and come to my own conclusions based on what I've learned/heard.

[vlee]

I do know a lot of people who feel very strongly one way or the other, but I just don't enjoy the drama getting into an argument brings. I really don't care how other people do things. I do what I feel is right for my family, and I expect others to do what they feel is right for theirs. I don't like being preached to or receiving unsolicited advice, so I try not to give mine unless I am asked.

[startover22]

Vlee, I have to say that you are completely right. I am one of those people with strong views in some issues, and it seems that I have been judgemental in my posts. I am trying a harder to remember that we are all different. I get a little heated sometimes. Whoa calm down startover22. Hahah, Last thing, I am happy to read all of these views on children, I am really happy to see some great mothers out there. Excuse me while I go tackle the kids down and kiss them all over!!

[vlee]

I think it is good to have strong beliefs, especially if you can accept that others do too, and that you might not agree. I watch a good friend of mine with her kids and often wonder why she complains about their behavior and things when I can see first hand she doesn't discipline with consistency or fairness. But that's the chaos she has chosen. So I leave her to it. When she asks why my kids are better behaved in certain areas, I tell her what I do. So far it hasn't changed what she does, and I don't expect it will. I have to admit though, I often don't look forward to spending time with her because of her children... isn't that awful?

[startover22]

No, it is not awful. I understand. I have four and my third is a very independent soul. He goes and goes no matter what I do. The other three seem to accept any disipline and get back to their right choices. He is just a little different. I look at some of my friends and can't believe they let their kids do some of the things they do. My husband can't seem to keep his mouth shut, but I know that if I want them as a friend, I need to. I guess I have a very hard time with plain ole right and wrong situations, lying, cheating, respecting people, and common sense issues. I am going to better myself with tender thoughts on peoples feelings and actions. Thanks for the DRAMA post! It always helps to be put in your place sometimes!

[NowWhat]

We have friend that have kids our daughter's age and sometimes it drives me nuts being around them. They are nice kids - but they run wild! And the parents just don't know why - and I sit there and think - well your not consistent. I don't want judge them - because they are friends. But I sometimes just want to say to them - if you tell them something STICK TO IT! They give in all the time after the kid throws a fit. I think kids learn the art of manipulation really early!

[startover22]

Yes they do, my husband says my daughter has a really good way of making us split our decisions, HE'S RIGHT. Don't tell him I said that though! Haha. I am working on just kissing her, telling her I love her and agreeing with her dad. That can be hard sometimes cause I think he is giving the wrong answer. Anyway, aside from that I think our kids are a joy to be around and every kid that comes to our house, never wants to leave. Whether it be the kids I babysit or the 4 or 5 that come on the week ends and stay an extra night cause they have fun. They are eating us right out of our house and home!
I think sticking to what you say you are going to do, is the most important and the hardest. Now I just need to learn that a little better and life will be much more quiet and smooth!

[NowWhat]

I think sticking to your guns is hard. When my daughter is making a plea for something and I have said no and she gets upset - it is hard to keep saying no. And I have been known to give in.
She tries to play me against her dad sometimes. If he says no - she comes and asks me. It is starting to get her in trouble because we are aware that she is doing it.

She is now practicing for her future as a debate team captain! She tries to argue - it's a new phase - and it is trying my nerves. We are just cutting her off and telling her she will not argue with us. She gets mad and crosses her arms - turns around in a huff.

[startover22]

Wow, the debate team. You are going to have it harder than most. My daughter is not on the debate team, sometimes I feel like she is, ONLY because I let her keep talking. We have taken a new aproach by telling her it is not open for discussion any longer. And we stop talking about it. I have to make it very clear on here that I have a hard time doing this because I want her to know that I really do care about her feelings and love to hear what she has to say! I love all my kids dearly but of course we are always going to go through phases with them... I remember going through a punching in the arm phase, finally stopped but I knew it bothered everyone, I just felt really strong and cool when I did it. Then there was the doing my hair phase, an hour or SO in the bathroom. That is where my daughter is right now! ARGGGGGG

[NowWhat]

She's not on the debate team yet - she's only 6 - but boy, if she could be she would do great.
We do the "not open for discussion" thing too. It works.
She is also starting to be aware of her body. Yesterday I bought some rice cakes to try. I told her they were snacks for me and of course she wanted to try them and she did and liked them.
I told her they were good for my waist line. Well, that started a whole conversation about how she was fat and needed to lose weight. And she wanted to be thin. She is not fat at all. She is very tall (almost 5 feet) and she has an athletic build. So she is proportioned really well.
I kept telling her that she isn't fat - but she would say that she thought she was.

I really thought I had a couple of more years before I had to deal with this.
She will look in the mirror and on a good day she likes what she sees on a bad day - she will say she is fat or pick out something she doesn't like. (She told me she had a long neck)
I just wonder where it comes from. I don't talk about my weight around her a lot. She possibly over heard her dad and I talking?

I just wonder - does anyone else have this going on at such a young age?