[miracle]

hi,
I and my guy have been together for 10 and a half years. we have parted several times for short durations but keep coming back to each other. we really love each other but we have recently realised that he is commitment phobic...how do we overcome this..he is willing to but we don't know what to do?...we want to get married now...

[Tresbella]

If he is willing to get over his commintment phobia well that is the first real step. Knowing he has such a problem and wanting to fix it. I was with my guy for a year and 2 days before we were set to celebrate our 1 year anniversary he dropped the bomb on me that he did not believe we should be "committed" and "identified" as boyfriend and girlfriend. I am now in the process of leaving. In your case, you must hash things out. Openly communicate as to why he is scared to commit, what steps you guys want to take to help him ease his fears.

[Jiser]

Communication is key! Why did you split up before and for how long? Has the spark gone, talk over your problems face to face.

[Lilywhite]

I suffer from severe commitment phobia and it has ruined all my relationships and my marriage. I am just starting over again and I´m in my late forties.

I have been doing this dance of committing and avoiding, seducing and destroying for all these years, but I think it´s never too late to change.

Maybe we can help each other. First rule of business is to identify the problem, which your boyfriend has done (mine hasn´t and he´s over fifty). Then find out why you choose a man who has commitment phobia. We marry our unfinished businesses, as the saying goes.

I think that building self-confidence is the key and then we can begin to find good and healthy relationships. I will probably let my boyfriend go because he cannot commit and talking to him hasn´t helped. In fact, he´s not really a boyfriend, because he cannot even commit to being that.

Try talking to yours.

Best of luck,

Lily

[lavenderly]

Commitment phobia is so common nowadays. There are simply too many distractions for one to stay ignorant of the choices out there.

If your guy acknowledges (he does not need to take any actions, he only needs to believe) that there are still many "untested" markets out there, he will likely not be able to overcome being commitment phobic.

Commitment phobics are usually those who crave being in love and being loved in return. Yet, they cannot settle down perhaps due to their experiences in past relationships (such as being cheated on), having problematic childhood (such as divorced parents), or having too many dreams to chase after (such as career wise).

You need to talk to him and make him open up about his fears. Assure him about the things he is afraid of and get him to talk to others who had overcomed their commitment problems.

If things do not improve, there are many, many ebooks that can help you and him in this situation. Some comes with after-sales service such as a commitment phobic community. To change a man, it takes years. So do not force him to commit and get married now. It will not do u much good.

P.S. I've heard that once the right person comes along, the commitment phobia will eventually fade away. Can anyone tell me how true is this?

[Lilywhite]

"I've heard that once the right person comes along, the commitment phobia will eventually fade away. Can anyone tell me how true is this?"

It happened to me once. I met the love of my life and we decided to get married. I had no problems committing then. It felt "stronger than me", very fated.

Unfortunately, he wasn´t divorced, so he "vanished" just before the wedding. Throwing out the wedding dress and telling the guests and the priest there would be no wedding was certainly no fun. He lied to me about being totally divorced, but it wasn´t the case and he couldn´t face me to tell me the truth.

Obviously, I cannot say how the marriage would have been as it never took place, but this just made my commitmentphobia worse.

Regards,

Lily