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smoothy · May 3, 2007, 04:49 AM

Originally Posted by sveltskye

Anyways, I'm getting a little tired of being turned down for this reason. Why is it that when a guy says that he wants to be "just friends" with you it really means that he's really going to try and pretend you don't exist for a while? I've had this happen too many times to ignore the pattern.

That's just part of dating. Trust me I have been on BOTH ends of that numerous times. Its never easy, but it is part of life. And better to be turned down early than a year or two into a relationship. Keep in mind many guys that age are out for a good time ( as are many women)... and that includes sex. Most are not looking for or are ready for any commitment. All the more reason to count your blessings when you find out early on. You seem to be the opposite. More ready for a real relationship then they are. Don't make a common mistake that you think you can change them. Take them as they are assuming that's the way they will always be. Judge them in that manner and you will rarely go wrong. Just keep up your standards as there ARE guys out there that are a better match.

EnglishRose · May 3, 2007, 09:39 AM

Honey, the sucky thing with love is that the more you look for it the less you seem to find it. I actually think that you have appealed to these guys better natures. The scummy ones would, as you say, sleep with you and dump you but I think you have a better head on you than to look at these guys twice. These guys are realising that they can't promise to be faithful to you and that you will remember them for the rest of your life because everyone does remember their first. These guys don't feel up to that and that indicates they aren't the kind of guys for you. I promise you will meet a guy who will see this as a reason to live up to any expectations you might have but there is no hurry. Sex is great, but to be honest all you have missed out on the messy fumbly that happens when you have sex with teenage boys. This is not a great loss. Instead you will eventually feel secure with your first partner and be old enough and wise enough to know what you want and how to be safe. The first time really should be that way. X

ceriphante · May 3, 2007, 10:03 AM

Originally Posted by sveltskye

Why is it that when a guy says that he wants to be "just friends" with you it really means that he's really going to try and pretend you don't exist for a while? I've had this happen too many times to ignore the pattern.

OK well here's a bit more of an insight to the male mind or my mind anyway, in regards to silent treatment or vanishing act etc..

Mmm well I've used the no contact thing many many times but, usually its after a breakup where I feel the need to distance myself from that person completely for either of two reasons 1 - its going to hurt me to be near them or 2 its going to hurt them to be near me, usually if I am going to end up remaining friends with a girl after a breakup I distance myself for about three to six months then slowly start to make contact again, but hmm always just told her I needed space for a while when that was the case.

I've found that sometimes just being alone or not having anyone in my life as more than a friend for a period is good to help me see things a little more clearly or to simplify things.

Jeez I better shut up or the boys will be chasing me with pitchforks for giving away guy secrets here hey? Ah screw them, For the most part though if I break up with a girl its usually for the kind of reason where friends isn't an option i.e. she's mistaken my kindness for weakness or abused my trust or in someway disrespected me beyond me being able to consider that this person could possibly be a friend, or otherwise just given me so many headaches that I don't want to know her any longer.

I guess ultimately its all about just having clear communication where possible, I've got ONE ex and one ex only that I ever just vanished from her life, and it was because she cheated, I figured well, she did it once she can do it again, and absolutely nothing I could say to her would really hit home as to how much it hurt that she'd betrayed me. Much as it might sound egotistical I know that within I'm capable of commitment and the kind of love that lasts for many many years so as a result I'm not really willing to accept back anything less than that. I found the tactic of disappearing rather effective when I realised that the meanest thing I could possibly have done to her is just to live a happy life and exclude her from it completely, which I did lol, she rang me so many times and got an empty line, I'd just pick up the phone and leave it off the hook and go do stuff, I figured after a while she'd probably get the hint. You should have heard her friends next time they bumped into me hey? Apparently the title of Bastard is befitting to me, oh well I'll proudly wear that label if someone wants to cheat eh? Hahahahaha.. ah but life goes on doesn't it :)

Another situation that warranted its use was a gal that had a huggge crush on me but was too young we were hanging out and friends etc then she started to tell me things and I tried to explain look.. age gap too big no good... no matter what I tried she kind of forced me to distance myself from her, and you know a few years passed and she got in touch with me again and has never forgiven me for that but.. well at the time I thought I was doing the right thing by both of us.. oh well... life does go on.. now if you'll excuse me I have a mob of young angry men wielding pitchforks and torches outside my mud hut to go fight for a while :P~

Hopefully some of this was useful reading for you!

sveltskye · May 3, 2007, 12:59 PM

Thanks all for sharing some of the secrets of the male psyche :). I hope the pitchfork carrying boys don't maul you too much Ceriphante

Well, I had a strange situation this last time because I wasn't really in a relationship with the guy, it wasn't really a break up. More like he was giving off very mixed signals (like calling me every night but not asking me out) and when I asked him whether he liked me or not (in a perhaps more abrasive way than I should have) he said he wanted to be friends. I wrote more about this in my post on the dating thread here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/dating...him-87355.html I don't want to make him uncomfortable or seem like I'm chasing after him. It's just dissapointing that I feel like I can't even call him anymore to talk.

Now he's pretty much ignoring me and I feel like I don't know if he'll ever stop with the NC. I suppose its not a bad thing for me to be able to get over him easier now, but I find it just sad that you could be getting to know someone for a while and feel like you've bonded and then suddenly they just want to ignore you. This has happened to me before and its like once I crossed that line into liking them, they never were as affectionate with me again as they were before.

I've had a friend who had feelings for me, still does, and I had to tell him I would never go out with him (for one thing because he's too old for me) but we still hang out all the time. And he kind of made that possible by still including me and being my friend after I turned him down. So I know it can happen. But like I said, my friend is older than this guy and probably used to being friends in more complicated situations.

JoeCanada76 · May 3, 2007, 01:03 PM

Your obviously not with the right people, or the right guys. That is a fact that your just not with the right ones. Especially if they make you feel bad about being a virgin which you should be very proud of.

I was a virgin until I was 28 and my wife is the same age as me. So there you go.. You just have not found the right person.

Joe

ceriphante · May 3, 2007, 02:16 PM

OK I managed to escape relatively unscathed from the marauding mobs of chauvinist pitchfork wielding immature boys, it was funny I walked out of my mudhut and they realised I'm a man and ran away :P~

Anyway enough of the e-theatrics, I'm curious how many years your senior is your interested friend if he's only out of your bracket by say a year then maybe give him a chance eh?

I mean what is age ultimately? Aside from a number that represents how long since you invaded earth (were born), it doesn't show someone's maturity or strength of conviction or character really or prove that they are in any way incompatible with you, its just a number, its like someone's skin or eye or hair colour or height or even weight, it simply shouldn't come into question when it comes right down to it.

How's that for a mindblowing concept?

sveltskye · May 3, 2007, 02:27 PM

No, he's like 40, so well too much my senior for my comfort. Besides, I simply don't like him that way :) I'm open to having my mind changed about age, but it'd be on a case by case basis. I'm still sticking to my guidelines unless someone really proves that they'd be a good match or I become friends and end up crazy in love with them or something. I haven't had good luck with older guys anyway. I mean not like I've had any with younger guys either, but at least I can be mad at them for treating me like I'm younger than them!

ceriphante · May 3, 2007, 02:33 PM

Originally Posted by sveltskye

No, he's like 40, so well too much my senior for my comfort. Besides, I simply don't like him that way :) I'm open to having my mind changed about age, but it'd be on a case by case basis. I'm still sticking to my guidelines unless someone really proves that they'd be a good match or I become friends and end up crazy in love with them or something. I haven't had good luck with older guys anyway. I mean not like I've had any with younger guys either, but at least I can be mad at them for treating me like I'm younger than them!

Ahh yeah that is pretty much a big gap..
Lol you know if you lived here I'd take you iceskating and it would be fun assuming I'm not executed for giving away guy secrets by then eh...

Really good that you have guidelines it helps you find someone a bit easier
I'd just hate to think you'd miss out on the love of your life over a small number ha

EnglishRose · May 4, 2007, 08:41 AM

Whare do you live by the way hun?

sveltskye · May 6, 2007, 07:12 PM

I'm from Northern California. And iceskating is fun, too bad ^_^. Btw, thanks for answering at the other thread, ceriphante. You're probably right.

ceriphante · May 7, 2007, 02:52 AM

You're welcome :)
Time usually clears the unresolved stuff up a bit I find anyway...
Though it's hard to tell sometimes unless your in the situation directly but
Ah anyway pm me if you would like to chat in msn sometime anyway

chuff · Jun 24, 2007, 04:56 PM

Let me get this straight.

You are a virgin.

You have no baggage.

You may or may not have virgin powers.

Can I have your number?

chuff · Jun 24, 2007, 05:17 PM

"Skell agrees: Must you steal every girl i go after??"

Oh sorry, I didn't realize you had already made a move.

It's just that... well... you know Wap doesn't come around anymore. I've been struggling, you know. Trying to make the best of it but Wap just left me high and dry. I thought she was different but it wasn't the case. She said something about the fact that I live the US and she lives in Scotland but I think that was just an excuse. I am man enough to admit it Skell, I miss Wap. WAP COME HOME!!

ramblinguy · Jun 24, 2007, 06:07 PM

I agree with Smoothy. As far as telling the guy, why before you are at the "doorstep?" As far as feeling inexperienced, you are! Not a big deal. How experienced are most guys in their 20s really be, anyway? Nothing wrong or unusual if the right man or circumstance hasn't presented itself. It's just the path you are traveling. Let go of it. You don't need the pressure.

Gaining experience and understanding is available from a number of sources. There are always books, talking to your friends, and there is a video advertised for couples that is apparently quite good, but not porn which can be misleading :( Sorry I don't know the name of the program. Perhaps someone else does.

Skell · Jun 24, 2007, 08:10 PM

Originally Posted by chuff

"Skell agrees: Must you steal every girl i go after??"

Oh sorry, I didn't realize you had already made a move.

It's just that ......................... well................ you know Wap doesn't come around anymore. I've been struggling, you know. Trying to make the best of it but Wap just left me high and dry. I thought she was different but it wasn't the case. She said something about the fact that I live the US and she lives in Scotland but I think that was just an excuse. I am man enough to admit it Skell, I miss Wap. WAP COME HOME!!!

Time to move on Chuff. You made her your life and now your paying the price. Remember you need to date others and keep your mind open early on.

You went way to fast too early and you scared poor Wap off.

Give it time and learn from your mistakes Chuff! ;)

I miss Wap too though!!

calover16m · Jun 25, 2007, 01:52 AM

Unfortunately society is just a bad influence on people. There is nothing wrong with being a virgin but there are so many dirty things going on in the world that sadly its not as usual. Whatever you do don't let guys make you feel inferior or pressure you into doing things that your uncomfortable doing. Someday the right guy will come along and he won't care that you're a virgin, he'll just love you. He might even be a virgin himself.

calover16m · Jun 25, 2007, 01:55 AM

Unfortunately society just has a bad impact. There's nothing wrong with being a virgin its just that there are many dirty things in the world and virginity is not as common as it used to be. Whatever you do don't let men make you feel inferior or pressure you into doing things. Someday the right guy will come along and won't care that you're a virgin, he'll just love you. He might even be a virgin himself.

looking4love · Jun 25, 2007, 08:19 AM

Hey... u don't worry...
It happens.. that some guy may feel that you are a virgin & they predict that you may decide to be virgin till you get married... So, they all behave like thAT. BY THE WAY... I M 23/M... if I was I one... I would definitely.. agreed with u... & be your boy friend...

So.. don't worry U will get the right guy... If U think you can consider mee also.. becoz I'm also looking for a nice girl like you...

Keep in touch
Take careeeeeeeeeeeee

sveltskye · Jun 25, 2007, 12:10 PM

"Let me get this straight.

You are a virgin.

You have no baggage.

You may or may not have virgin powers.

Can I have your number?"

LOL you guys crack me up!! I've gotten more propositions on this thread than I have in real life!

Well, my latest news is that I met a guy and I won't be a virgin for much longer, I'm pretty sure. We came pretty close the other night and I told him and his reaction was "the only thing that this changes is that we'll go strictly on a when you're ready basis".

And yes, I DO have virgin powers. I may even be a little sad to let them go... nah, scatch that...

Skell · Jun 25, 2007, 03:47 PM

Originally Posted by sveltskye

"Let me get this straight.

You are a virgin.

You have no baggage.

You may or may not have virgin powers.

Can I have your number?"

LOL you guys crack me up!!! I've gotten more propositions on this thread than I have in real life!

Well, my latest news is that I met a guy and I won't be a virgin for much longer, I'm pretty sure. We came pretty close the other night and I told him and his reaction was "the only thing that this changes is that we'll go strictly on a when you're ready basis".

And yes, I DO have virgin powers. I may even be a little sad to let them go... nah, scatch that...

That's great to hear. See we told you that you meet a nice guy who was worth it one day. Just take it slow and be 100% sure he is the right guy. Don't go doing anything because you feel that you have to or it is about time. Be true to yourself. Keep them virgin powers as long as you want.

Good to hear your happy though!