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diya · Apr 30, 2007, 06:07 PM

Well you're almost there my friend, getting stronger... hold on to these sturdy feelings and follow them strictly... u'll be fine in just 2 weeks... trust me... no one is indispensable... life is moving fast and so should you... see that u don't lag behind and lose some of the beautiful moments that life has to unfold each day... be good to yourself...

SouthernBelle06 · Apr 30, 2007, 06:12 PM

I don't think that by not being her "friend" you are closing the door to a reconciliation if one were to happen. That is not what I am saying by "no contact" anyway. Can't you just be honest with her and tell her that a friendship between exes isn't always a good idea? Tell her that it is not always easy for you because you feel more for her than just friendship? Just tell her that it is not a good idea because it is confusing the issue? Can't you say "I would possibly be open to a reconciliation, but a friendship is too hard because I think of you as more than just friends?" Tell her to call you if anything changes and go on with your life. That way she will know to leave you alone unless she wants you back. This will clear the issue for everyone involved. And how is that not being open to a reconciliation on your part? It's just being honest and not playing games. Someone who dumps someone shouldn't be completely shocked if a friendship is difficult on the one who was left anyway. Please!

I am not saying that you should ignore all contact from her after that or if she were to say hello to you in public you should run the other direction or ignore her existence. Why don't you just cool the friendship part for your own sake? Like Skell said it's killing you and sometimes you just have to look out for yourself in life. If you pull back, it may make her rethink taking you for granted if you do think that she has feelings for you. If she is so worried about losing you, let her step up and do something about it and ask for a reconciliation if that is what she wants. I am not saying that if she were to call one day and say "hey, I want to try again" you would be in such "no contact" that you wouldn't even return that call. Do you see what we are saying at all? Just stop making it easier on her than it is on yourself. Nobody respects someone who does that. By cooling the friendship, she may or may not come back (if she was going to anyway... and who knows?) but at least you can start to try to get over it either way and stop this torture.

And if she doesn't ever call after you make your feelings known and just goes out with some other guy instead? Well, there's your answer and you will know how she truly feels about you by her actions. You did all you could. Just my opinion...

sypher373 · Apr 30, 2007, 07:41 PM

Originally Posted by Skell

She has let go. Thats why she is comfortable being friends with you. She doesnt really care for you anymore other than as someone who once she did care about. Nothing more.

She doesnt want you back.

She is interested in someone else.

You are in massive massive denial. Until you can accept that it is over you will make as much progress as you have to this point, and that is zero.

Skell,

I appreciate the help, just as I did in the beginning when you gave me tons of advice. What it boils down to is this: For some damn reason, I am still afraid to "hurt her feelings". Why? I don't know, she hasn't seemed to care much for what I think.

The part that was hard for me was the amount of leading on that she did to me I suppose. Its hard for me to think that she doesn't want me back when she tells me how she sees a future with me and all of this other bull@#%$.

I wouldn't say that I am in denial. Trust me, I am well aware that the relationship is over. The problem is, I am also aware that feelings exist on both sides. If anything, I have been going back and forth - I would let go of the thought of reconciliation for a week or two, then it would come back. It's a horrible push and shove in my head.

No disrespect to you, but I also disagree that I have made 0 progress. I understand that I am not nearly as healthy as I should be, but I have made progress. To be completely honest with you, up until now, I have been afraid to get angry. I felt it was immature of me to be angry that she broke up with me. I thought it was wrong to feel betrayed that I was pushed aside for something "that might be better".

Maybe I'm wrong now, but I'm pretty angry. I have no intentions of trying to make this easier on her anymore. I have spent the last months trying to heal myself, and not let her know that I am in pain. Maybe she doesn't know how much she hurt me, or maybe she doesn't care. At this point, it really doesn't matter.

Its her loss either way, and I refuse to try to save her from hurting herself. She made her bed...

Thanks again, and sorry for being so stubborn. I suppose I fell into the trap of being naïve about the situation and thinking something was different. Maybe I fooled myself into thinking that I am stronger than I really am? I thought I could handle it, but I understand there is nothing more detrimental to myself than to keep myself in this cycle.

She made her choice, let her live with the consequences.

Again, I want to apologize to everyone for being such a stubborn SOB. It hurts to think that there is no future at all, even as friends, between us - but that's the way I must think. It may happen, it may not... but for the time being, I need to be happy again.

I refuse to let this drag on throughout my summer break.

Thanks, and sorry again:o

Skell · Apr 30, 2007, 09:58 PM

Your not being stubborn, maybe a little blind but I can see you are a good guy and that's why we just want you to do what is best for you and so far it is hard to say that that is what you have done.

You probably have made progress, maybe I was a little over the top with saying you have made none, but you have made it the hard way. No one is saying it should be easy. It isn't. It is real hard and I can vouch for that. But you haven't helped yourself.

I think you know what the best thing to do now is. It won't be easy but it I almost guarantee you will be glad you finally do what is best for you.

Jiser · May 1, 2007, 01:32 AM

You don't want this to ruin your holiday do you! I am for one gutted I was dumped, especially for this summer when my best mate is going away - I won't see him for 5 months. But hey we live and learn and we have to make the best out of what we have. Ive booked lots of holidays, gigs, festivals and planned lots to do this summer when I finish my placement year (Working) so I keep myself busy!! That is so important. DO not mope about.

She doesn't care about you right now, if she did, she would be contacting you. You don't need her. Be strong,

LBP · May 1, 2007, 01:35 AM

As they say, her interest level has in you dropped in quite significantly my friend... You're a tool to her. I don't know how else to say it.

Move on. You don't need to talk to her. She won't be that sad when you move on... She'll probably be relieved. Why don't you mention that all this is hurting you and that you need to go one way or the other to move on? You won't like the answer I think... That's why it's better to take initiative and stop returning her calls. Tell her once, to be clear, but I really think you're just setting yourself up for a fall doing anything otherwise.

SouthernBelle06 · May 1, 2007, 02:09 AM

I agree with LBP. As I mentioned on my other post I think that he needs to tell her that he still cares for her as more than friends and that keeping in touch as friends only is too difficult for him. Then he needs to try to move on. I don't think that he should play games and just start ignoring her without explanation though. He will feel too guilty for that because he said he feels like he is "hurting her". But what about himself getting hurt by sticking around in a degrading situation? He needs to think about that too. If she wants to be with him again and to reconcile, she will let him know. He doesn't trust that fact and he needs to.

But at the same time, he shouldn't count on the ex coming back no matter how badly he may want her to. The sad truth is that most of us on here wanted our exes back too (myself included) but we finally had to accept the fact that it was over, realize that there is little to nothing we can do about it, go through the inevitable grieving we tried to avoid, and try to move on.

talaniman · May 1, 2007, 03:45 AM

I honestly think a fast clean getaway is in order, because if you have followed this poster there is no way she doesn't know exactly how he feels, and what he wants, yet instead of closure he has been led along for the past few months. Enough is enough, and I think complete no contact is in order starting now. Say hi in public, but otherwise unavailable completely, why spare her an explanation she doesn't need? Time to heal and move on. Anything else is an excuse to keep the door open, and in truth its been closed and locked for months.

sypher373 · May 1, 2007, 10:18 AM

Thanks for all the input guys, I guess where a lot of my confusion (perhaps denial) comes from is that I cannot understand her motives.

I know I have not been following NC, but this is what I have done... I have not contacted her in the last month and a half. Any conversation we have had, was purely her initiation. What confuses me so much is that it is quite often said..."If she has any reason to talk to you, she will let you know". Well she has been calling me, and I haven't been ignoring her, just trying to keep any emotional connection out of the conversation.

Can anyone explain why she would be doing this? I am quite certain she isn't stringing me along on purpose, as I said, she still cares for me, and I know she isn't intentionally hurting me. What seems rational to me is that maybe she is more ready to be friends with me than I am with her? Is it possible she just doesn't realize that she is much more emotionally healed than I?

sypher373 · May 1, 2007, 10:23 AM

Originally Posted by Skell

I think you know what the best thing to do now is. It wont be easy but it i almost guarantee you will be glad you finally do what is best for you.

Originally Posted by SouthernBelle06

If she wants to be with him again and to reconcile, she will let him know. He doesn't trust that fact and he needs to.

Two things that were said caught my eye...

Skell said that I know what the best thing to do is, and I think your right. Its becoming more and more apparent that I can't continue to let myself be hurt to spare her feelings. SouthernBelle also said that I don't trust in the fact, and I need to. I have started to raelize that what I do, has no bearing on whether she will come back or not. If she wants to, she will try, no matter where in life I am.

What I did realize, however, is the reason I have yet to make the commitment to move on. I honestly believe that it is a lack of trust in myself, and maybe a lack of self-esteem, that is keeping me from moving forward. I feel like I cannot do it, and if I try, I will just lose what I have - which in reality is nothing much at all. The worst part is, by staying here, I am hurting my self-esteem and self-confidence even more. It's a vicious cycle.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that her decision has been quite clear, and I have been making excuses for her.

Jiser · May 1, 2007, 10:54 AM

Common join the club! The road to healing, jump on the band wagon and lets gogo!

sypher373 · May 1, 2007, 11:49 AM

Thanks all for the great advice...

Its going to be tough, because we will both be back home for good during the summer, and I can guarantee she will want to spend time with me. I figure, the sooner I can start this and get it over with, the sooner I can be happy again and not care what's going on with her.

I just hope that I can be committed enough to myself to say no if she says she has realized it was a mistake.

Jiser · May 1, 2007, 11:55 AM

Fool me once but not fool me twice! By the summer you need to be in a healthy fun life. Do what you need to do to get there, and enhance your life with some amazing experiances, never let an oppurinity down - that is apart from said ex!

sypher373 · May 1, 2007, 11:59 AM

I am looking forward to summer. I think it will be a great time for me to keep busy and move on. Its much harder for me to be busy at school, as this school is terrible on the social/fun level.

Ill finally have a full time internship for work, hanging out with my friends on the weekends, and probably spend some of the money I'm making on myself :)

At the same time, I can't deny that I'm a bit sad about not spending time with her this summer. Even after the breakup, she had made plans and asked me to do things with her this summer, and perhaps I still will be able to. Only time will tell now, and I must wait to see how healed I have become by then.

Jiser · May 1, 2007, 12:03 PM

Yeh I wish I was with my ex for the summer, but its not going to happen so Ive made lots of plans and so should you!

talaniman · May 1, 2007, 12:07 PM

Sometimes when we are so focused on something, we miss other things that we should be paying attention to. When we can finally see the things we missed, we can feel pretty bad we didn't pay attention in the first place. Good luck with no contact the right way, and keep us posted.

sypher373 · May 1, 2007, 12:47 PM

Thanks again Tal and Jiser and everyone else...

I'll dfinately keep you posted as time goes by.

sypher373 · May 2, 2007, 02:20 PM

Its pretty sick how I am so worried about her getting upset, but at the same time when she shows no signs of being upset at all - I feel let down.

While I was worried that she would be upset by contact ceasing between us, I find myself wondering if she doesn't get upset if she really cared at all...

Sometimes its funny how self-destructive the mind is

LBP · May 2, 2007, 02:34 PM

Honestly, my friend, like I said before... in all likelihood she just doesn't care at all. Sorry. That's the way life is sometimes, especially when it comes to young women. You'll get used to it.

Last time I ever talked to my ex was directly before I burned the phone card I used to call her and her phone number... I thought I'd give it one last right, just for the sake of it. I told her, "Have a nice life." Her response? "What do you expect me to say?" I told her, you don't have to say anything... Then she told me to stop obsessing and mentioned how it "wasn't very cool" of me to use an internet website to work through my problems.

It's funny how you come to realize that things tend to happen for a reason.

sypher373 · May 2, 2007, 06:15 PM

Hi all,

I'm back, but I don't really need advice right now, just wanted to keep my thoughts together, so I figured that I'd write them down here..

I've started to realize why I am still sad. Its not so much that I miss her or want her back anymore... No, I think I'm over that for the most part. The part that still makes me sad is that it seems that she threw away what she had for something that isn't going to happen. I'm starting to see her as someone who is totally stuck on someone else, waiting around to see what happens with him in order to go on with her life.

That makes me sad, because its just sad to see that kind of a decline in a person that I knew to be much stronger. Im also sad because it seems she changed, and honestly I don't know if I'd want who she's become. She isn't the same person I dated 3 months ago. Its sad to think about, but I'm not feeling sorry for me, I'm feeling sorry for her.

I FINALLY understand what you guys always meant by "seeing things more clearly and for what they really are". Maybe it didn't as much as I thought, just the conversation with her that sparked the 'anger' and the reflection I've been doing.